Name: Monday Morning Podcast 9-10-18
Uploaded: 2018-09-10T18:56:27.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 9-10-18' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-09-10. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 9-10-18' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-09-10. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 9-10-18

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the monday morning podcast
for monday
september 10th 2018 how's it going how are ya how are ya um i am back from a
whirlwind tour i
fucking crazy weekend i'm actually sitting here uh podcasting in front of the
tv which i know a lot
of you don't like simply the fucking steelers and browns had a tie wow
jesus christ when this is the exact reason why you don't like it this is the
exact fucking reason
because i get distracted i haven't seen a fucking tie since like they've had
overtime i don't i don't
recall one um zero zero and one uh the pittsburgh steelers and the cleveland
browns how about that
um anyways yeah i'm sitting here i got the red sox game on in the background
the houston astros are
trying to become the second team this season to sweep the red sox while boston
is trying to go
two for two today against the city of houston all right now we already done
kicked the shit out you
fucking football team now we're trying with your baseball team i'll be honest
with you uh i thought
the patriots looked good for the first two and a half quarters um special teams
was letting up more yards
than i would like than you would like bill you as a what a football coach you
as a comedian a shit
joke telling fucking jackass who decided to fucking record a game and fast
forward through the
commercials yeah bill what did you see on your game film um fair enough fair
enough you know there's
always room for criticism who am i to sit here and act like i'm above it um
yeah i thought i was very
impressed with our pass rush i was very impressed with our ability to uh
contain uh what's his name
watson there i thought he was going to be a nightmare i also thought he might
have been a little gun shy
about running because he was coming back from a knee injury so i thought when
he he ran when he had to
but i was impressed with him staying in the pocket um i liked uh the new uh
left guard we got there
left tackle i should say taking over for nate soldier soldier however you say
his name he's only there for
fucking 20 years now he's playing with the giants um brown whoever that guy was
he's keeping all those
beasts up front four of uh the texans where they got clowny they got jj watts
and then they got some
other guy like maniac or something like that like his name is literally like it's
like psycho or maniac
or something like that um not a nickname the name he was born with as a baby oh
look at that little
cute baby what's its name uh clarence maniac uh you want to have a play date uh
no i don't
why are my fucking headphones fucking uh god damn these fucking cheap ass
fucking things i swear to god
i just can't win cannot fucking win what is going on now this is all brand new
shit i got all brand new
shit here people speaking of which if you want to fucking if you want to uh a
couple things i'm selling
i just bought a new mixer uh my old one works fine but i'm getting back to
doing these uninformeds
with joe de rosa which is going to be up on my patreon page coming up here in
november we're going to
tape some episodes get a little in the can and that type of shit and some other
stuff so i'd get a
mixer where i could actually have enough microphones for more than two people
so i have a mixer with the
cords and all of that shit uh if you want to start your own podcast if you want
to open up your little
podcast shop across the street and compete with me uh let me know i'll figure
it out because i already
started dean del rey selling some shit i got a drum kit that i'm selling all
right i'll get all the information
i'll have it posted on my fucking twitter site um i'm selling this uh one of
those sonar like travel kits
you know it's kind of like the uh quest love one the the what is it uh whatever
that one that he does
with a little fucking 18 inch bass drum it's the same thing but it's a sonar um
and fucking beautiful
i just don't have the room for it anymore i got a i made a little drum room in
my um garage so i don't
have to have a studio space for my drums so now i brought the big boy kit home
and now i got that
little one which fucking sounds great by the way and i also have the uh the the
fucking pads there where
it's silent you know what i mean where it doesn't it doesn't uh you know the
mesh ones or the real
ones i got it tuned up nice my buddy tuned it up i should say um after i kind
of fucked it up a little
bit but um whatever that's what it's come down to people this is the new me
okay i'm getting rid of
shit and right now you know what my whole fucking day my headphones aren't
working right now i have no
fucking idea if you can all i'm doing is just looking at the fucking mixer i
know that you can
hear me i haven't been able i fucking came home i went to watch the fucking
patriots game uh my wife
angel that she is taped the game for me and then i'm sitting there watching it
and it the thing just
like it starts fucking up then i gotta hit pause i gotta shut it off i gotta
turn it back on it was
doing like one of those fucking things and it started off what was doing it
every couple of minutes
then once a minute i'll fuck you you cunt foul ball foul ball
was that fair or foul
foul all right sorry um it's two to one red socks by the way astros are up
he just hit one down by the pesky pole it went foul
anyways so then it started doing it like every 30 seconds and it was like every
eight fucking seconds
and i was loving watching the game tony romo i'm calling it right now tony romo
if he fucking keeps
doing this shit he's gonna be a hall of fame broadcaster i have never learned
more shit
about football i don't think maybe since i'm going back maybe like john madden
the way the guy's breaking down all of this stuff and there's always been all
these coaches and all
this shit tried to do it somehow the way tony romo does it it's like you get it
he does it in real
time um it's fucking amazing so i was enjoying that so you know how the world
works oh what are you
enjoying something well let's fuck up the recording of it so that's what ended
up happening and um
you know what's funny about my fucking headphones is if i sit up and i'm
uncomfortable they work
perfect but if i lean back and i'm comfortable i swear to god dude i don't know
what the fuck i
think i i did i killed tesla in another fucking life is that what i did and
this is my fucking punishment
this is literally all brand new shit
i i swear to god i don't know what the fuck i did i kick edison in the balls
during a previous life well he's a fucking thief anyways right
i i swear to god
unbelievable and this is the shit right my wife never flips out about shit like
this you know why
because it never happens to her because she buys new shit and it works my wife
will like lose her cell
phone in grand central station and then i'll call it and there'll just be some
guy yeah yes i have it
no no i'll bring it to you right i lose my cell phone that's fucking it over
cold case file
no leads no nothing that fucker is gone
all right so it's better over here a little better over here a little better
now this fucking thing is hanging off here this whole fucking podcast is just
gonna be me
bitching about this fucking wire that i just bought now it's off now it's off
now it's on
oh i see what happens when there's a little bit of weight and it's hanging down
oh it can't
handle that can you can't fucking handle a little bit of fucking weight is that
what it is
i just figured what out what it is oh we got a quitter here everybody we got a
little
fucking snow fight don't we let's just move the whole fucking table for you
buddy yep everybody
gets a fucking ribbon now my mixer just fell off the fucking table this whole
this is just going off the rails here
why do i try to make my life easier it doesn't work out so anyways i uh can i
lean back can the old
man put his back up against the couch hello test oh there we go there we go all
right so i'm back
what you just what you just saw there was why my wife is sick of living with me
you know everything's a conspiracy theory with me i really wish when those sort
of challenging
moments and in the first world country as a blue-eyed white male that was
actually a
challenging moment for me as people are there are like literally fleeing war-torn
fucking countries having god knows what done to them right if there is a god
and he's looking down right
now and he hears all this screaming and yelling and shit about stuff that's
going on
and he finds what's this what's this poor soul screaming about right after he
looks at the horrors
of war and he's going to just see some bald 50 year old fucking moron
doing a podcast by himself yelling about a microphone cord
he's just going to look down and it is a he by the way all right
fuck all this feminist shit well now they're turning everything around you know
fuck this you know there's got to be something has to still be a guy right why
not god
oh why do i love being an asshole i just i enjoy it i'm sorry i do all right
he's going to be looking down and be like who who is that i made that all right
do me a favor when when he passes yet give him the uh tell him to take the down
escalator
um i don't know where i'm gonna go when i die you know you ever think about
that
shit i watched that mr rogers uh won't you be my neighbor
did you fucking see that
you guys watch that thing whatever you call it there documentary
i have never felt like such a piece of shit in my life after after watching
that
he's definitely fucking weird though man he's so fucking weird
you know says the guy by himself losing his
shit talking into a microphone i have the nerve to say that this guy's weird
but um
i i you're take it easy end of the inning gun down
um sorry
anyways i uh i watched that documentary and uh fred rogers
um like i said if this if if there is a god and christians are right
and god had his son without having sex with a virgin
um
jesus i mean i just how do you even say it out loud and still believe it
i mean it's just clearly written by guys who don't want sloppy seconds you know
so then they
got to have to have like that like she's a virgin no one ever banged her before
so she doesn't know what good sex is she doesn't know what a big dick is
now i could feel comfortable
to mount this person i mean is that is that was that the underlying theme of
all of that
huh now hey look at that that's sort of a feminist look at it isn't it
i don't know what it is i'll tell you right now i don't like it um sorry my
apologies to everybody
south of uh washington dc mason dixon line there do you guys know the first you
know the gettysburg
address yeah i had no idea where that was in the first battle of the civil war
i thought it was like
you know somewhere in the sec they were in big ten country they were in pennsylvania
i had no idea
we never would get that far we know we'd start with those three ships
the nina the pinta and the santa maria they came over they somehow they came
over after uh
columbus right columbus came over to like i don't know like cuba or the bahamas
haiti he was down
around there right and then the nina the pinta and the santa maria they all
came over together right
sort of the first carnival cruise it's kind of like that without you know a
workout room
and scurvy and shit like that right big belt buckles
they must have incredible neck muscles back then huh that big fucking hat with
that belt on there
looking down at your soggy fucking boots bringing your head back up um
anyways they were all trapezi the coach used to come off slide right off their
fucking non-existent shoulders so anyways we would start with that
shit and then we would maybe get to the war of 1812
never fucked with the civil war as far as where i went to school we never
fucked with it it was just our country fighting each other why why would that
be of interest to
anybody you know maybe that was just northerners being cool you know not
talking
shit after winning ah we do