Name: Monday Morning Podcast 9-17-18
Uploaded: 2018-09-17T16:50:33.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 9-17-18' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-09-17. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 9-17-18' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-09-17. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 9-17-18

hey what's going on it's bill burn it's time for the monday morning podcast
from monday september
17th 2018 how's it going how are you what's up with you um how was your
football sunday
i don't know what's going on with me like i felt like i had a cold now i don't
know what i have
and uh my wife's like well maybe you have allergies it's like i don't have
allergies i've
never have allergies in my life and she's just like well sometimes there's
there's late
onset allergies so she's got me thinking i have allergies i never you know i
thought allergies
for like people who had like inferior dna you know just like weak people you
know like the kind of
puppy that the mother ignores and just lets it die doesn't let it let it get
any milk you know but
we're human beings and everybody's special so you keep these people going and
then they just walk
around constant state of like you know listening to their nasally voices oh my
god did somebody eat
lobster in the last month and then you gotta like fucking vaccinate your house
whatever it is
defumigate your house because somebody with allergies comes by you know but
evidently i'm one of those
people you know my mom should have ignored me who knew who knew i maybe i have
late onset who the
fuck gets allergies at 50 you know it's funny about all you other non-medical
people out there right
now what are you doing you listen to this podcast and now you're googling this
shit right everybody's
just addicted i'm gonna get the answer right now you know do you ever do you
ever consider the source
not to mention the the the the fucking guy who's uh you know looking for the
information
being you not having a fucking medical degree all of a sudden you're you're
like some doctor
i do it all the time that's why i got a nutritionist because i was trying to
learn about food i just
couldn't figure it out everybody just you know had a conflicting opinion it was
like these goddamn uh
feminists and uh the guys with the date rape drug they just can't seem to get
on the same page
no it's like democrats republicans you know what i mean they all agree on what
the problems are and
they're just sitting there pointing fingers at each other these fucking people
in in the food industry
it's the same thing you know i got the fucking giants cowboys game on and there's
some fucking
asshole he literally is sitting on the field at a little two-top table
how much are those tickets these guys are running around fucking smashing their
brains out right and
then that's an incomplete pass and the guy puts his hands up like where's the
flag
what is he is he a high-ranking official at the the home depot corporate office
can you imagine like the jobs that we have nowadays can you fucking imagine if
you just met people from
the past and they're just looking at you like you do what what do you do and we'd
all be saying this
shit and just be like they would all be just looking at you don't do anything
and your wife does what she what like the whole fucking nothing would make
sense
you know i wonder if it's gonna be like that in a hundred years like we can
actually you know if
we were still around a couple hundred years we could just fucking look down on
people
and what their jobs are because robots are now fucking i don't know entering
data
i don't know people i don't pretend to understand but how did you guys enjoy
how was your second week
of football mine was uh you know i mean we lost it wasn't that big a deal
though
everyone's gonna make a big deal you know edelman's not back yet it's the
second week of the fucking
season you know you know what do you what do you know what the fuck okay the
fucking jacksonville
they're all gonna be fucking freaking oh my god we finally beat the patriots
does this mean we win
the super bowl all right that's what everybody does everybody gets all fucking
excited like you know when
you watch an action movie you know the rambo guy is he freaking out no did
chuck norris freak out no
you know freaks out the guy who's gonna fucking die that's who so everybody
relax you know jets fans
how many times are you gonna get you're gonna let the lazy new york sports
media
fucking gas up another guy all right he's had two fucking solid weeks he's gone
one and one he's
thrown for 300 yards whatever fucking uh both weeks very impressive you know
but you don't become a
legend in september i know you're hopeful i mean even the fireman came back
what when did he come back
you guys were such cunts you know what the fuck is wrong the jets fans steve
they chased a fireman
how long are you cursed for post 9 11 in new york you chased a fireman out of
your own fucking stadium
and you got the balls to think that a couple of decent weeks of football and
all of a sudden you're
walking down the street talking to the camera talk calling out tom brady tom brady
the man you guys
all we all wanted to be tom brady we all wanted to be good looking be the
quarterback marry a supermodel
have a nice fucking dimple in our chin full head of fucking hair marry i
already said that part right
fucking win five fucking superbowls
get a respectful fucking nod from joe montana as you're putting on your yellow
fucking jacket right
we all wanted that
all right
well guess what despite all these fucking instagram accounts out there that are
telling you you can do
anything you want everybody's fucking special reality is there's only one tom
brady
all right so all you green cunts down there i'm happy for you i'm happy that
you're excited but you
might want to reel it in a little bit you know you ever have a friend of yours
every time he fucking
meets a chick he thinks that's the one you know and you just go like i'm not to
pick this guy up off
the fucking mat again how many times can i sit across from you as you're crying
in your fucking beer
all right when are you just gonna fuck abroad and move on
that's the problem with these jets fans they're fucking romantics
oh they fell there's eli right there that's eli i know throw him for a
touchdown with a minute and a half left
too little too late you know they probably let him go right down the field
i love listening to uh people flip out this time of year
you know i'm actually okay i'm taping this sunday night all right i'm gonna
predict i'm just gonna go
around the league look at the scores here i'm gonna predict the fucking overhyping
me with my
fucking 50 year old allergies i have allergies i can't there's no i don't i won't
allow it
i already have a varicose vein i can't i can't fucking compound that with an
allergy
um anyways when i had it right here i had the nfl scores didn't i isn't that
what happened now now
why wouldn't you go for two there then you're only down by nine that's just
three three drives with
three field goals you could get back in this game with a minute 28 left i mean
he's gonna have he's
gonna have some some uh questions to answer after this game by people who never
got picked in gym class
um all right let's go around the league here we go the scores here all right
this is this is what my
predictions are going to be all right the chiefs i mean i'll tell you right now
i've seen a lot of
people coming to the league but this patrick my homies however you say is the
homes i mean this guy
if he keeps this up kansas city will be undefeated and they will win their
first super bowl since super
bowl four and patrick cojones is going to have the greatest season ever in the
history of the nfl
i do have to tell you though if patrick mahomes was my homes was doing this
shit for the jets or anywhere in new york good lord they they would have
declared a state of
emergency onside kick the giants get the ball look at this here we go cowboys
are going there's still
not enough fucking time left um but this is when you as a gambling man you're
like this is
fucking fixed right flipping out although i think the giants were favored am i
wrong i have no idea um
they're gonna fucking sit there and freak the fuck out uh ryan fitzpatrick i
mean the bucket is jesus
fucking christ the two and oh the first time since fucking 2014 is this gonna
be their year
i don't know shit about anything at this point all i can say about the buccaneers
is they're two and oh
they've scored 75 points and they've let up 61. all right 40 of those fucking
points were the goddamn saints
so you know i don't know you know you know you don't fucking win games 48 40
and shit like that in the uh
in the playoffs so i would be relaxed with them you know who obviously the most
impressive team in the
league has got to be the fucking ramps this scored 67 points and only let up 13
i know they played the
fucking raiders they fucking dick and they but they did what they were supposed
to do they beat the
shit out of them after a lock lost their first fucking half um jaguars look
good though but anytime
you got tom coughlin anywhere near it you're gonna win they look good uh patriots
you know who knows
i don't know maybe we'll see we'll see what happens when edelman comes back we
had a couple of
fucking injuries i don't believe in the dolphins even though they're two and oh
i feel bad for the bills
uh the chiefs god knows the chiefs the chiefs love nothing more than fucking
fucking stroking their fans in september will their fans finally get to bust a
nut come playoff time
or will they once again go home with fucking blue balls
um who else i think that's fucking it mostly you know packers i like the packers
i like the rams
and then i like the direction the jaguars are going in and the chiefs i just
too many
fucking times they did it last year everybody gets all fucking excited and then
all of a sudden the
holidays come along and right then they all start dressing up like fucking
native americans
you know they eat too much pumpkin bread and then they just the bed and fucking
november i have no
idea basically i'm judging the entire franchise and what they've done in the
past even though they
probably have brand new personnel i still believe i still believe in john gruden
despite all these
people is it already time for concern i mean if they go oh and three is john cruden
on the hot seat
uh i know they were winning all day today and then they lost in the end but
this is a
fucking franchise that has been fucking lost at sea for a long time i've been
impressed with you know
john cruden played a great his team played a great first half against the best
team in the league i think
the fucking rams um the most impressive team so far and uh you know played damn
good against the broncos
not good enough long enough or whatever i i still believe in this guy so that
so there's my two cents
there's my fucking white noise no pun intended to eli goes dp uh incomplete um
you know what they said when i was watching the patriots game
uh what's his face there tony romo another fucking gem
another gem like he it's just like every second like quote the cycle of flying
every time you fly
you learn something right every time you listen to a game and tony romo is is
doing the color you
fucking learn something there was a guy in the jaguars he had our guy beat and
he was running along
there was a you know run along the sideline when it be called that pattern and
he was right on the
sideline and tony said if he ran two yards more in like more towards the field
it's such an easier throw for the quarterback he said he actually ran the route
wrong
i don't know if he got forced outside but just you know tony's also going to
side with the
fucking quarterback but it was so interesting going oh yeah because then he
could maybe throw to the
outside of the shoulder and that guy still has a step or a step and a half to
adjust to the ball
if you just run right on the sideline the fucking guy's like a half step behind
you now he has to
throw a goddamn strike what is he eli manning into the fucking last drive of a
super bowl
um all right enough of that fucking talk uh it's still really early um i called
the my bookie people
i p