Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-20-18
Uploaded: 2018-09-20T19:10:27.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-20-18' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-09-20. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-20-18' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-09-20. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-20-18

hey what's going on it's bill bird it's time for the thursday afternoon just
before friday
monday morning podcast and i'm just checking in on you i'm just checking and
just seeing
how your week's going you know you know i would think if i was a new york yankee
fan despite the
fact we're only a couple of games up for the one game playoff i would say that
i'm having a pretty
good fucking thursday you know did you see the last couple of games did you see
last night's game
in particular i'm gonna tell you guys right now i'm gonna gradually wean you
off
of watching espn fox sports west listening to the fan okay nobody gets it right
more times
in my own mind in my own world without doing any research on how
any of those other people how many times they get it right nobody gets it right
more than the man you're listening to right fucking now
what the fuck did i say
well bill you've said a lot of things all right fair enough i have said a lot
of things
have i mentioned this fucking wire sucks jesus christ god forbid i turn my
fucking this is
unbelievable it's a brand new fucking wire does anything work is this how like
china is going to
slowly like they know they can't fucking bomb us right so what do they do they
just make everything
just a little bit not fucking right and it just it's going to gradually drive
them fucking crazy
now what do i do i gotta move this thing over here bring this up because god
forbid there's any weight on this wire
the second there's weight oh all of a sudden it doesn't work now it totally
doesn't come on i need to hear
myself i need to hear myself talking about how great i am all right there you
go
um i told you motherfuckers i love how i'm mad at you guys like you ever said
no you didn't bill
you never told us that right fuck is my water
oh jesus is this gonna be one of these oh there it is there it is um
i told you way back in fucking august when the red sox swept the yankees
and espn's like oh it's fucking over
what's over espn
oh i guess maybe a divisional race who gives a fuck
you know what i mean there's still the wild card
still the fucking wild card dude that's like there's an axe murderer outside
your fucking house
and you just lock the front door and you leave the back door wide open you're
like well i guess that
takes care of that not to mention if you have a wood door you know if it's a
motivated axe murderer
you know he could just chop down the door
which actually would work in your favor gives you time to try to find something
to defend you know
defend yourself
his axe you know technically speaking will be a little more dull
because they're going through the front door but this is all beside the point i
told you motherfuckers
back then i was like until david price goes into the fucking motherfucking yankee
stadium
and wants a goddamn game i don't give a fuck that we're out there sweeping the
baltimore orioles
all right
regular season stats you know what that's like that's like the guy who was the
fucking big man on campus in high school
right he's the fucking all right he's the captain of this
he's got the dimple in his fucking chin he's banging a fucking cheerleader
right and everybody's like
oh my god
he's gonna be the president right
now what happens
you go back to the reunion and he looks like me
i'm just saying
like it doesn't make a difference if you win 89 games or fucking 129 games what
murders is how you're doing against the fucking teams that you're gonna see in
october
you know but that's not the business that those those so-and-so's over in espn
and fox news and whoever else i'm i'm lumping into the same fucking category
that's not the game they're in
they're in the game of what the fuck you see is what the fuck it is and we will
hype the shit out of it and not even remotely look at it analytically
so then if what happens happens you can be like i said it was going to happen
but what you said was going to happen doesn't happen then you get to do the
what happened
what happened was you got enamored by a bunch of fucking victories against the
orioles and the fucking tigers and bunch of things i mean these guys they hit
like over 9 000 home runs in the regular season
and they were absolutely anemic in the playoffs well yeah well how did they do
against the fucking astros
sorry anyways you know what you know what that's like it's like watching paul i
love paul to death
i gotta get him on this i have to get him on this fucking podcast because i'm
always making fun of him
and i want you guys to know that it comes from a place of love all right most
of the times it comes from a place of love but right now
it comes from a place of concern okay one of the dumbest fucking things that
you can do
besides buying a fucking goddamn i a fucking speaker wire i'm blaming it on
china
okay it's it's always a great guess everything's fucking made over there
all right it's like when when you get you're eating a donut you're like what
what's the main ingredient ingredient
in here the one guess you have is corn corn is in everything if you don't
believe me watch the one
documentary i ever watched about food and now are using that as my bible i saw
it years ago so i'm
probably misquoting it all right having said that no what i just said was a
fact
one of the dumbest things you can do is the first game of the week bet a bunch
of fucking games all
right and i'm not talking about fantasy and i'm not talking about all the
people the sports gambling
podcasts that i read uh advertising that i told you to to go out and do that
exact fucking thing
so this would be hypocritical now for me to tell you this but i you know you
don't know who the
fuck anybody is until about two three fucking weeks in all right i've tried to
tell paul verzi this
paul verzi is the king of betting football college or pro in fact when i first
became friends with him
back when college football wasn't brilliant enough to realize that they they
needed to have some good
matchups in the first few weeks to get people into it to pull them away from
the nfl and this is this
is what's happening you know even though i haven't looked at the ratings okay i'm
saying it's happening
therefore it is happening okay now these goddamn feminists and me tours can
just say things happen
without any evidence and goddamn it i can say this is happening with no
evidence no research no nothing
all right fucking college football is is is getting better ratings right now
than the national football league
dare i dare i say a presidential address
okay now if netflix doesn't have to give out ratings then why should i have to
look at them that's what i
say um anyways paul uh this is like 10 fucking years ago 12 years ago when i
first knew paul this is
back when they had all the cupcake games you know to establish the rankings for
whatever reason they would
have like ohio state go play uh eleanor rigby's nursing home right nursing
school of nursing or some
shit right and then they would be favored by like 80 points and fucking versi
would go out and just
the first week of football you know being a college coach is so much harder
than being a pro
professionals uh coach simply because every you know three four years you got a
brand new team you're just
constantly every year is a fucking rebuilding year now all these goddamn
millennials which they're not
millennials once again 1980 to 1995 they're 23 to 38 years old i actually just
told a 38 year old
woman yesterday that she was a millennial and she couldn't fucking believe i
said yes you are
according to the one website that i went to and didn't even look at a second
one to even back it
up you are a millennial and she said i don't identify as millennial and i was
like are you
angling for your own bathroom um i don't you know i'm doing this right now
because i don't know what
the fuck's going on in the world right now i just know it's a fucking everybody
is in a goddamn hissy fit
about everything so i just know and i know that you don't need evidence you don't
need fucking anything
people just say things and then it's not only the person that did the thing it's
the person that
stood next to the guy that did the fucking thing so in the future god forbid
god for
fucking bid you're standing on a subway platform and somebody jumps in front of
a train to commit suicide
um they're gonna blame you for assisted suicide because you stood there and did
nothing
um sorry that's probably a slight exaggeration it's probably bad you know i
probably should
have read up on the story a little more i probably don't know what i'm talking
about
i probably won't even upload this but i might but if you're listening to it you
know i did
so verzi would go out and he fucking would just just the first week of college
football you have no
idea who the fuck anybody anybody is and he would just he would just dude it's
a lock
i mean it's literally a joke nebraska giving 58 and he'd fucking bet on the
favor right he's doing it
again this year all right last week he fucking bets uh you know he's got that
that fucking homecoming
theory a good road team coming off the loss playing the next week at home he
doesn't give a
fuck how many fucking points they're given he he can't lay off it
so he keeps calling the lions the hapless lions the hapless lions it's just
like dude
their first game of the year they had a one okay everybody's gonna have a game
the
fucking patriots just had a game against the jaguars but it was week two
so nobody's saying that that's who they are but last year they had a game
against kansas city
and all of a sudden the whole fall the wheels were off the tom brady era was
over and what ended up
happening old tommy brady brought us right back to the fucking super bowl he
threw for 500 yards
over 500 yards in the game and he lost because our defense sucked that game you
know um
because they were they only held nick foals to over 300 yards
which i guess was a great day if the other guy threw for 500 but at the end of
the day
if you don't come out with victory then what does it mean um
so last week first he's telling me that the lions the hapless lions you take jimmy
g coming home
san francisco it's a lock and he's texting me the whole game as san francisco
was winning
saying what did i say i said it all week exclamation points he's an absolute euphoria
that he said something that now looked like it was going to happen and he's
looking at matthew
stafford like this fucking guy likes to lose every week like this guy doesn't
have any pride like this
man can't get out there and slim that fucking rock and next thing you know the
fucking lions come back
in the end and they end up covering the spread now we've all been there all
right so you learn from
your past well if you learn from your past you wouldn't keep gambling but now
you come back for more
what as far as he do again this week he's teasing the patriots they're playing
i think that they play
i don't know somebody's playing he keeps calling them the hapless lions because
they had one bad
fucking week so now the lions are playing the patriots our former fucking um
coach is coaching the team
he's been with you and what man fucking patricia there like that guy doesn't
know some of the
shit that we do okay now i'm not saying the patriots won't go in and kick the
fucking shadow i'm not
saying the pages i don't know what the fuck i'm saying i'm just saying the you
just lost betting
against this fucking team and you're still calling them the hapless fucking
lions
they were on the road they almost beat the fucking 49ers
they had one bad game all right and this brings me back to the red sox all
right they sweep the
yankees in the beginning of august and everybody fucking all these guys in
these sports shows
they put their tasseled loafers up on the desk you know fold their fingers on
top of their head and
that's over it's oh it's it ain't over it's not over
it's not fucking over so my prediction the red sox uh i just don't think we we
don't ha