Name: the Monday Morning Podcast 9-24-18
Uploaded: 2018-09-25T00:40:28.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 9-24-18' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-09-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'the Monday Morning Podcast 9-24-18' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-09-25. Transcript available.

the Monday Morning Podcast 9-24-18

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the monday morning podcast
for monday uh
what is it september 24th 2018 what's going on how are ya i just realized my
fly's down am i at
that age now 50 years old i mean that guy walking around doesn't even know his
flies down hey where
are my glasses um i still haven't fixed this all i do is just bitch about this
wire rather than
going out and getting it fixed why would you do that bill all right i just flew
back from charleston
south carolina for that i was in richmond for that i was in not norfolk norfolk
virginia i was down
in the fucking south had a great time had a goddamn great time i gotta tell you
something richmond
virginia the altria theater uh top five top five theaters in america i've ever
played at there
was the i don't know if i don't know what it was the whole layout of it that
dome above how great
the sound was the crowd was amazing it was incredible you know i know what she's
oh what
about us in norfolk i had a great time there too great crowds the whole fucking
time great people
they didn't lose their houses because of the hurricane i haven't been to
fucking
north carolina yet you know i was so relieved that when i got to charleston
because they said the thing
was gonna hit them dead center you know and uh i was like so what am i gonna do
show up everybody
lost their house i'm gonna come down there being like oh what's up with this
fucking wire on my
parking like a bitching about that people just lost their house i didn't want
that i was so relieved
so relieved that i didn't have to go to disaster don't ever send me to a
disaster area i am much
better hundreds if not thousands of miles away doing a benefit where the money
is then sent to that area
you get me in the area my act my act does not work when people are knee deep in
water in their living
room it just doesn't okay i've tried it doesn't work and it's just you know it's
just not a good thing
but you know it's you know there's other comics for that it's a great big
beautiful fucking world of
comedy um anyways i flew back today and uh guess who was sitting next to me on
the plane
frankie valley i couldn't believe it i was freaking out
this guy and you know i i didn't bug him he was literally right next to me and
his whole vibe
was he didn't want to be bugged so i did not fucking i didn't say one fucking
word to him other than
excuse me because i had the window you know and uh the guy's like 84 years old
you should see him
popping up out of his seat the end of the flight to grab his bag you know
probably expecting someone
to bug him and uh incredible shape kept himself in like he fucking weighs the
exact same he weighed
back when he was singing all those songs it's very inspiring um actually when i
looked him up
one of the questions that people asked what you know are like all the top
questions one was
how did frankie valley die you know that's when you know you crushed it in life
you've been living so long people just assume that you're dead
i don't know i was pretty impressed by that i hope i live that long
when did bill burr die uh he's still alive
you can go see him down at the fucking hooky law in chickpea massachusetts
all right what's your favorite frankie valley song you know what mine is mine
is that remember that song
yeah my eyes adore you though i never laid a hand on you my eyes adore you like
it's something and it's
something you couldn't see if i got bad i adore you so close so close and yet
so far
he sat next to me on the plane i didn't fucking say shit to him
he just had you know
he i was it was enough it was enough he was fucking no i'm a really big fan
great
now he has to go wash his hand um
so if you see him you know fucking leave no i'm just saying straight it was it
was his mood today
i'm talking like i know the guy i did sit next to him for like fucking three
hours
i wonder what he would have done if i just started singing his fucking song if
i was you know
if i just put on my fucking headphones i just started singing his shit
songs he sung like nine million fucking times then he has to hear them
disgustingly out of tune
probably would elbow me hey kid shut up
i did it better or something you know something cool something that a cool old
guy would say
um man i hope i'm in the shape he's i hope i live that long and i hope i'm in
the shape he's in he looked fucking great
and uh
for what i can hear he still sings his ass off so that was pretty cool
i'll tell you what wasn't cool
i'll tell you what i didn't enjoy
was how the new england patriots
got their asses whipped
by a bunch of goddamn nerds
nerds
oh this happens every september
every september we start off slow and then everybody has us dead and buried
it's fucking over every second the new tradition in the afc
is in september the patriots are done and kansas city's going to the super bowl
how many times have we seen it well bill it's only the second year in a row
well it feels like five
kansas city it's over it's a gift wrap it up in a fucking bow
right
fucking unbelievable
fucking verzi man
verzi jinxed me
he fucking teased the patriots
i didn't even give him shit
that's the second week in a row
that he's lost on the lions
as he calls them the hapless lions
fucking unbelievable
not as unbelievable as this goddamn fucking wire
oh did i move my head
oh is this a comfortable position
now go fuck yourself
um
i i was actually doing
i did two shows last night
my wife taped the game
so i haven't even seen it
but i was watching
just the ticker on my phone
because i don't know how you guys
you fucking download the app
and then you gotta have your
how do you keep all your passwords
well how do you keep
how do you keep track of them
you know
unless you just don't give a fuck
and you just use the same one
every goddamn time
i'm not i'm not even good
at coming up with passwords
like when i go to type it in
that the computer's like weak
eh
that's getting better
and i'm like fucking
zebra cunt 98
they're like fair
it's like how the fuck
is somebody gonna figure that out
anyways
um
balloon herpy
49
week
like does
does somebody already have that
i have no idea
but let me ask you this
when was the last
fucking time
here's a goddamn stats for you
stats or stat
here's a fucking stat for you
when was
a question i have
when was the last time
the browns
the lions
and the buffalo bills
all won
in the same week
jesus christ
i mean you're talking
the browns and the lions
have both gone
oh and 16
in this decade
right
was it this decade
i don't know
the years are flying by
32
fucking
losses
you know they always do that
when they talk about the national debt
and they try to put it in terms
that you can understand
i'm gonna put 32 losses
in terms that you can understand
lost
lost
lost
lost
lost
lost
lost
lost
lost
lost
i'm gonna fucking do
times three
plus two
lost
lost
a lot of fucking losses
um somebody's gonna use that as a ringtone
lost
lost
sorry
anyways
um
it's weird
my team is one and two
we actually have a worse record right now
than the cleveland browns
haven't said that
it's kind of fucking fun
seeing these teams that have sucked so long
be good
i want
does anybody out there call the buffalo bills this week
maybe you bet on it
but who the fuck
who the fuck saw
27 nothing
whatever the fuck they were up by
17 nothing
against the fucking
what are the vikings doing
are the vikings putting their fans out of their misery early this year
they usually wait to the playoffs
playoffs
um
i watched a bunch of football this weekend
i watched
i watched alabama
roll tat
i watched them against the aggies
love the aggies quarterback man
that guy's a fucking gamer
he kept a minute for like a half
almost to the half
but uh
i swear to god
watching
watching the uh
alabama crimson tide
it's like watching the patriots
where the players are so well coached
like
the way they turned it on
at the end of the first half
to be like
okay let's get another touchdown here
and let's
well whatever the hell
they were up by like
i think
i can't remember
maybe seven
let's go in the locker room
up by four
they put their foot on the gas
and they went right down the fucking field
and they scored
aggies come out
they shut them down again
they got the ball back
and then they kicked the field goal
they tacked on
an extra fucking ten points
and it was like
wait a minute
wait
we were down by one score
we were down by a touchdown
like three minutes ago
we're ready to jog in
you know
feeling good about ourselves
and all of a sudden
they give them the old fucking
right there
Fred twice
and then the uh
alabama was getting the ball
coming out of like
halftime
and you're like
they're gonna go down
they're gonna score another touchdown
this fucking game is over
that's essentially what they did
and
the fact that uh
Nick Saban
I always go to forget his name
and I just remember that chant
when I went to the LSU game
and the whole student section was going
fuck you Saban
so I always have to say that once in my head
I have to picture that memory
and then the audio plays
fuck you Saban
oh Nick
Nick Saban
Nick Saban
um
the job that that guy's doing down there
considering you know
all the players that you lose every year
everybody thinks they're a pro
or they're just a senior
and they can't play anymore
and you're just constantly rebuilding
the fact that they
that
whatever the hell he instills in them
they get it immediately
um
you know
it was pretty impressive
I miss the LSU game
fucking college football
their games are like on
they have like random games
on like Tuesdays now it seems
it's on Friday I think
I miss that
but they're 3-0
I think we got Florida next week
I did say we
I'm in
I'm in with fucking LSU
I
you know
can't
can't root for Alabama
they're just too god damn good
right
I'm not looking forward to that Alabama game
that's gonna be rough
but who knows
maybe
that fucking Cajun Hulk Hogan
can talk him into
I don't know
I don't know
you know what
that'd be fun
I gotta watch Alabama every week
cause I never watch them
when they lose
how angry
does Nick say
I actually worry
for his loved ones
when that guy's taking a loss
like that poor Alabama kicker
he fucking shanked two punts
the fucking look
on Nick Saban's face
oh my god
it was like he wanted to rip
the kid's fucking foot off
um
anyways
I hate fucking podcasting
when I flew across the country
when I fly
I don't know what it is
all my funny
just goes out the window
my brain isn't working
fucking sitting here
Jesus Christ
um
the hell was I gonna talk about
I have absolutely
nothing to fucking talk about
how many minutes
and I'm 12 minutes in
12 fucking minutes
oh I got one for you
you know
somebody
come home right
all I wanna do
is jump in the shower
and just wash the fucking
airport off of me
all right
can't do it
because I own an old house
and we got a plumber in here
for the 9 millionth time
trying to fix
whatever the fuck is wrong
with the toilet
this time
can't do it
I swear to god
give you guys some advice
if you ever fucking
somebody ever describes
a house as having character
I'm telling you
just head for the hills
all right
if you meet a woman
and she says
guys find me intimidating
just run for the hills
there's a couple of
fucking red flags out there
um
ladies
write in
tell me
what is it
so I can help out women here
what's the
what's the red flag
with the guy
you don't know him
and he says
drink this
something creepy
I don't fucking know
um
anyways
the red socks clinched
that was all exciting
until the yankees clinched
and it's just like
oh so we're both
zero and zero
like what
what am I getting excited about
why is everybody
popping fucking champagne
and all that
the indians
won the series
I think they took
two out of three from us
I'm telling you
terry francona
is laying in the weeds
and nobody sees this guy
people
how many times
do I have to be right
I'm gonna pat myself
on the back right now
I've been killing it lately
I said it wasn't
fucking over
when we swept the yankee