Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-27-18
Uploaded: 2018-09-27T19:28:24.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-27-18' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-09-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-27-18' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-09-27. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-27-18

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the thursday afternoon
just before friday
monday morning podcast and i'm checking in on you i'm just checking in on you i
am just checking
in to see how your week's going now see there's a lot of people out there in
the podcasting world
they will do one podcast they'll fucking talk to you they'll tell some fucking
stories
they'll do some ad reads for old zip
recruiter and they'll say goodbye and you don't hear for the those motherfuckers
for the rest of the goddamn week
see those those podcasts they don't care about you the way i do
you see when when you give yourself to jesus
and you understand that we're all brothers and sisters i don't look at y'all i
don't look at
y'all like just a bunch of listeners i look at you like my brothers and sisters
praise jesus
praise jesus and give me your fucking money and when it rains out and the
waters come up
i ain't letting you in my fucking arena um i still love that he didn't fucking
let anybody in
joel olstein the fucking dude's a gangster man fuck you you ain't getting my
blue carpet all wet
all right jesus wants you to get wet he wants you to float out into the gulf of
new mexico
uh my eyes adore you i can't get that fucking song out of my head though i
never laid a hand on you
my eyes adore you fucking something man fucking something and i'm fucking
something so close
so close and yet so far oh i carried your fucking books to school that song is
so fucking sad
it's a sad song you know what i lived it i used to do you know something i was
on uh i did an episode
you know i got these big shows coming up f is for family third season is coming
up so i'm starting the
old um promotion tour like right now right now i i have 20 minutes between
radio phoners so i figured
hey you know what i mean i'm a guy i'm a guy who does a podcast right it'd be
nice to get 20 minutes
this podcast out of the way that's what i'm doing right now is you're sitting
there going wow this
guy bill checked in on me he really cares about me i'm actually right now
trying to get this out of
the way okay if you want full disclosure all you people out there all you kids
out there on the
internet you know sniffing fucking glue and fucking trying to make water
bottles stand up after you
throw them you know i talked about that on conan i just don't understand why
everybody finds that so
fucking incredible you know when you really think of the technology out there
the fact that you can
take your own fucking unmanned helicopter and fly it over some over somebody's
fucking yard and watch
some topless chick tanning her fucking tits right you can do while watching
that in your in your
fucking room okay beating your fucking millennial dick you know all of us if
you would think
somebody throw flips a fucking water ball up in the air if it stands upright
everybody runs out of
the room like they just saw a fucking witch it's incredible to me you know that's
what's fascinating
that's what's fascinating about entertainment you never you have no idea what's
gonna be a fucking hit
and what is it right just fuck just sitting there you're writing the shit you
shoot the shit you put
it out there you have no fucking idea that's why when something is a hit hollywood's
like oh my god
they like vampires fucking make 900 of those until they get sick of it then
they move on to the next
thing like i i'm kind of hoping the superhero shit is has it finally died down
i was driving down the
street the other day ba do ba do boop and i saw a billboard ba ba do boop and
it said the world has
enough superheroes and it just said venom and i was like oh my god finally they're
gonna make a movie
about one of the bad guys right i can guarantee you if this movie venom is a
fucking hit next thing you
know there's gonna be a lex is it luther is it luger is it luder lex the bald
guy like me
you know
whose whole fucking thing
is that like he just can't he can't stand fucking superman in his full head of
hair
do you know i was talking to somebody yeah just you know what it is it's not
even the full head of hair
it said he has the audacity to have that little curly cue right down the front
just mocking
you know i bet lex had a nice sense of humor at one point before he got all
bitter
you know i bet lex could maybe tell a story
i bet lex had some fucking attributes that made him special you know
but superman got that jet black hair doesn't he it's so black he has blue
highlights
you know that his uniform just sets it off which brings out his eyes what color
is his eyes
that's when you know you're you're like two into superheroes when you know like
what color their eyes
are
the first time i opened a comic book and i saw his steel blue eyes i was just
like oh my god
who is this
i felt like i just wanted to swim in the ocean
of ant man's eyes
what do you guys think about stem cell research
i don't understand why this country is okay with one
one company
you know taking over the food supply poisoning it
and then selling the company
to another company and everybody just walks away like what they did didn't just
happen like there's not
they're not fucking eight-year-olds walking around with full fucking beards
because of all the
fucking hormones and shit that they've put in the goddamn food i don't
understand
why this country is okay with that but stem cell research is like oh that's the
work of the devil and then you hear all these fucking stories of people leaving
the country they go out you know and they get the stem cell treatment
and they come back to this country it's like i thought this guy was a mouth
breathing moron i mean he just explained the theory of relativity to me what
the fuck happened well he got stem cell research on his mouth
they shot it right into the gaping hole that he used to have when he would
stare at you
mouth agape when you would flip a bottle over and it would land on
upright they shot it right into it was like a mist
it was a stem cell mist
and all of a sudden his eyes lit up and his mouth closed
and now he's a fucking smart guy
you know i've heard about guitar players like their hands
from years of fucking doing the tap-on solos trying to keep up with eddie van
halen you know they fucking get that thing and they come back
and they have the hands of a 12 year old
but they they keep the experience
of being on the road
it's a devastating combination you would think something you know you never you
you know
it's one of the few times it seems like you're gonna have your cake and eat it
i mean any sort of movie
if i'm writing that movie script that guy has the hands of a 16 year old
but he loses all of his fucking experience
of being on the road and all of a sudden he's got to go play a fucking arena
and everybody wants the legend
and he's coming out there with his young hands
but he can't remember his songs man
he can't remember his songs
my eyes told you
i've got my fucking hands fixed
but i can't remember how this song goes
i fucking don't remember this shit
even though i'm the guy that fucking wrote it
you know
that's a netflix series right there
then he just he what it's like the hulk meets eddie van halen
and every fuck
the end of every episode he walks away with his guitar
you know hitchhiking
because he got booed off the stage again
because he couldn't remember how it went
and like every fucking episode
he remembers a little more of his catalog
but he has to practice so much
that he's fucking up his hands again
and he's losing money because nobody's showing up
and now he's not going to have the money to get the stem cell research again
so of course
the woman that fucking spun his blood in the centrifuge becomes his love
interest
is anybody writing this down
this has to happen
all right
you have my permission to go into netflix
and you pitch this series
okay you want to see
you want to see a fucking streaming services
industry person's eyes fucking light up
you just walk in and go
i got an idea for a show
it's like the incredible hulk
meets eddie van halen
and i guarantee you
you won't even have to get through the pitch
and there's going to be a fucking
they're going to slide that check across the table
as they play their
what's that fucking song
that quick little song they play
it's almost like when you watch law and order
boop boop boop boop boop
they're going to do that
except the netflix song
it's sort of just a note right
isn't it
they just hit one note
i don't know what the fuck i'm talking about
um
this show
it's it's like
it's like captain america
meets cc deville
just hear me out
well my only question would be
how does he get his hair underneath that mask
i mean that's that's what bumps for me
does does he slick it down
do we see some hair coming out of one of the eye holes
i think that could be funny
do you guys think that could be
i think that could be funny
though i never laid a hand on you
my
how much more fucking time do i have before the next phoner i gotta do
bill were you always funny as a kid
tell us what do you find funny today
how do you come up with your material
do you have writers
do you pull from your real life
i just did an interview with these guys
these guys were great
but in the end they go
hey bill cosby just got sentenced to 10 to 15 years
what do you think about that
well i mean nothing funny
are we gonna end on this
um
anyways
anyways
i mean that's that's right up there with fucking uh
what's his face
the tight end from the patriots
you know just viewing somebody one way
and all of a sudden you just look at them the other way
and you're like holy shit
and it just fucking affects the whole
the whole way you look at their work
bill can you can you separate the comedy
from the drugging and the raping
when we return we got some more
um
bill are you familiar with the hindenburg crash
and we have audio
new audio just surfaced
we found a 78 speed lp
from back then
of people
on the hindenburg
screaming
as they burn to death
uh
have you heard it yet
and what are your thoughts on this
tell the folks
what you're going to be joking about
um
anyways
let me
let me uh
i got seven more minutes
before i'm going to hit pause
and move on to this next one
so anyways
this stem cell research
you know i got this fucked up shoulder
and i've just been you know
fixing it old school
i'm thinking maybe
when i go to eastern europe
you know
when i have a day off
on my tour
i'm going to fucking stop
into some local place
in like transylvania or something
have my blood spun
you know
good evening
by one of these fucking guys right
is it true that white people
in eastern europe
have flat heads
like frankenstein
do they have like bolts
coming out of the side
um
i don't know
they were behind the fucking
iron curtain
the whole time i was growing up
so anyways
i was talking to somebody
about this shit
and
a buddy
all of a sudden
like this is
all the stuff
that people are whispering
about right now
hey a buddy of mine
was an australian
he got his knees done
i i saw him the other day
he was jumping higher
than a fucking pogo stick
right
and all this shit's
getting in my head
and i'm going like
wow stems
this is fucking incredible
doesn't have to do
like a baby
has to fucking die
or something
for them to be able
to do it
is that what it is
does the rest of the world
not care about
dead babies
they just look at them
like a fucking
rusted out car
you know
like a parts car
because you're
you're you know
you're just
taking a little baby
liver out of it
and somehow you put
i mean
you know bill
it would probably
help if you
fucking read up
on it
they actually
this guy was
trying to tell me
that through
stem cell research
they've actually
cured male
pattern baldness
but there's so much
money
in fucking
people like myself
throwing Rogaine
on their head
i don't do that shit
i did it one time
and i literally felt
my heart speeding up
now i don't know
if that was just
the panic of me
dealing with the fact
that i was going bald
or if it's actually
a 