Name: Monday Morning Podcast 10-1-18
Uploaded: 2018-10-02T18:03:06.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 10-1-18' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-10-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 10-1-18' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-10-02. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 10-1-18

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday, October 1st, 2018.
What's going on? How are you? What are you doing? Are you going to go sober?
October?
Come on, man. It rhymes. Everybody's doing it. I think Rogan and those guys are
doing it again.
I would do it, but I'm doing Boston this weekend and there's no fucking way,
okay?
It's just certain cities you can't stay sober in, all right? And that's one of
them.
So how about take it easy, October? Settle down there, fucking October.
Anyways, I just got back from Denver. I'll tell you what a weekend I had.
By the way, the fucking cab driver almost killed me coming home from the
fucking airport.
She was a sweetheart, right? Talking about kids. She's a grandmother and all
that.
Oh, wow. It's got to be amazing and blah, blah.
She goes to make a left onto my street and right as she turns her left hand,
turns it signal on.
For whatever reason, she just starts drifting and she's coasting up to where
she's going to stop to make a left.
She starts drifting over the white dotted line there into the right lane.
So now people can't go in the left lane and she's also in the right lane.
And I'm literally like moving away from the door like, what the fuck?
And people are slowing down, beeping at her.
So she just cuts the wheel hard.
Rather than pulling up a little bit and getting in the lane, she cut the wheel
hard.
So her fucking ass, her right ass cheek of her Prius was sitting in that
fucking lane.
And I'm like, oh my God, we're going to get killed.
So there's all these cars coming and people are beeping at her and I could feel
her getting stressed.
So I just calmly just said, yeah, you know, there's a lot of traffic this time
of day.
You know, there's always a lot of traffic, you know, what are you going to just
nice and fucking chill?
Like I'm not getting impatient, right?
But she still got impatient and she saw a gap and she shoots through it.
And I see this fucking guy on a motorcycle that's a little ahead of the pack of
the cars in the, you know,
it's two lanes on the other side of the road, he's on the right lane.
And she pulls out and I just go, guy on a motorcycle, guy on a motorcycle.
I thought the guy was going to fucking T-bone right into me.
And she gets across the street and she laughs at me.
She goes, I saw him.
I saw him.
It's like you fucking saw him and you still went.
I'm telling you that she needed glasses because every time she would pull up to
a red light,
she would stop like 20 car lengths behind and then slowly like creep up.
So I don't know what her fucking deal was.
She's like, I saw him.
I saw him.
Yeah, I saw him too.
You just didn't see the fucking look on his face.
Looked like Eli Manning two weeks ago.
You know, when his face was all mushed up.
He had that, you know, like you saw that chick in the ring.
Yeah, that's one of those things where I was just like, I know what that feels
like.
She scared the fucking shit out of that guy.
Because he had like a bunch of cars behind him too.
And he had fucking slam on that slam.
But he had to like, there was, it was definitely.
All right, let's be honest.
You almost die every time you get on a motorcycle is pretty much what happens.
So I would say on a scale of one to 10, that was, it was a good six.
It was a six.
But a six on a motorcycle is a fucking, you know, that's like a nine in a car.
It's probably even worse.
It's even worse.
It's because like, you know, you got airbags and shit.
It's yeah.
Um, anyways, I saw him.
I saw him fucking laughing at me.
Like I'm a fucking little girl in the back seat.
I'm like, Hey, you know, I don't know where you're from with that Transylvanian
fucking accent,
but, uh, I don't know how you do it over there.
We ain't got bat wings over here, baby.
Um, so anyways, um, what was it?
Friday night, I actually did a sold out show at the fabulous forum in Los
Angeles, the same
place where, you know, Larry bird, magic Johnson had their great battles with
Kevin McHale
fucking clothesline fucking, uh, Kurt Rambis, all of that shit.
I saw the great Mario Lemieux play there.
I saw Wayne Gretzky play there.
Um, I remember seeing the 1999 Lakers there with like fucking Shaq and Kobe
with Del Harris
coaching.
And I believe Dennis Rodman was on that team.
Um, and then I, you know, I saw the Foo Fighters.
I saw the Queens of the Stone Age.
I, uh, saw a bunch of shows there and then all of a sudden I'm fucking there,
man.
It was unbelievable.
So I want to thank everybody who came out to the show.
Um, I'm not going to lie.
It might've been the best show in my career.
I thank fucking Christ because I had a bunch of friends there and that was not
the one where
you wanted to walk off stage.
Like, ah, I hit the warning track and every night, I was good.
It was an impressive pop-up to make an out to end the inning bill.
Um, but we went down there, um, during the day, me and Dean and all these guys
went down
there and, uh, you know, did the deal, you know, I set up the drums and all
that.
We played, uh, Dean was posting clips and shit.
Dean's never sung any better.
And it was just, it was fucking, it was awesome, but I almost fucked up because
we played from
two 30 to like six o'clock, two 30 to fucking six o'clock.
And like, I was gassed around five and, uh, then another buddy of ours showed
up right at
five.
So we played for like another hour and the forum people were so cool.
Cause they wanted us done by like five 30 and we just kept pushing it a little
bit.
And I got off the stage and I was fucking wiped out.
Um, and I was like, oh no, did I just fucking use up all my energy for the show?
But fortunately, um, you know, the butterflies get going and everything.
And, uh, it was so fucking cool.
They got, uh, they got, they gave you this little gift bag.
I'll tell you this for when you guys, you guys work there eventually, right?
When are you guys listening?
When you fucking sell it out?
Um, they got a little, it says, uh, what'd it say?
The forum backstage.
It was this really super fucking high quality, like tote bag, something that I
would never
take, but it had, it had like, it was embroidered and had like the forum logo
on it.
Um, then inside it had a bunch of t-shirts and, and, uh, fucking hoodies and
stuff that all
said that, uh, backstage thing on it.
So it's kind of a fucking obnoxious thing to wear.
If you have it, I guess you'd have to know.
You'd be like, oh, that guy must've fucking performed at the forum, but it was,
it was
fucking, it was so cool.
So anyway, so I'm waiting to go up and I got to Dean and fucking Joe Bartnick
destroyed
and they went up there.
Like they were going up at like the fucking the store or the laugh factory, not
announcing
there.
Dean's always just fucking got his arms up.
Like this is going to be fucking awesome.
So he went up there, crushed it, comes off stage.
He's got like goosebumps and shit, fucking, you know, Christmas morning grin on
his face.
And then Bartnick goes up there, just fucking levels the place.
And, uh, I don't know.
I kind of fed off that.
I'm like, well, these guys aren't even fucking nervous.
So I went out there and, um, the sound is incredible in that place because, um,
now it's, it's strictly
a music venue.
So they fixed all the sound and, you know, shit wasn't bouncing around all over
the place.
And, uh, the crowd, you know, you could bring them up, you could bring them
down to a whisper
and then get them going again.
And I did like 90 minutes, literally didn't want to get up to stage, but I was
so fucking
focused on having a good show because, uh, I mean, every time I land at LAX, I
look at
that building and also the new football stadium they're making, but I always
look at the LA
forum and I always just think of the Showtime Lakers and the Boston Celtics and,
uh, and the
Pistons when they played them in the fine.
Just think of all of that, like legendary eighties NBA hoop.
And, uh, if I fucking had a bad set there, every time I landed, I'd have to be
like, oh,
and I bombed there.
So, um, I was on stage about 40 minutes before I finally stopped and took in
the fact that I was
there.
I was so like, you know, focused on just having a good show.
And I, I fucking, I'm not gonna lie to you.
I got all of that one.
I walked out of there, no fucking regrets.
So, um, I really want to thank everybody.
I know I've already said that, but I really want to thank everybody that showed
up.
That was like the fucking night of my life.
And, um, you know, I had this great after party and there was all these friends,
people
from episode family, um, comedians and, uh, people I took acting class with my,
my wife
went out of the way and, you know, invited all these friends and families and,
um, it was
fucking killer.
Right.
And, but typical me, I'm sitting there, I'm having a good time and all that
shit.
And then it's just like, I have like a 9 44 AM flight the next day to go to
fucking Denver,
right.
To work with fucking the pride of Trenton, New Jersey, Paul Verzi.
Right.
So I kind of learned something, right.
Cause I went the next day, I went to Denver and it was this beautiful opera
house, right.
Just fucking beautiful, but it had these really high, high, high ceilings in
the balconies
were way in the back.
And I think that's so those, you know, as people sing opera, they were
ridiculous so
they can just blast it out and it just fills up the whole arena.
Like I, that's something I, I, you know, when I was in Italy, I wanted to go to
one of those
and just see what the big deal was, you know, see if it made me cry.
They had to bring a handkerchief.
That's the funniest shit ever.
Those old Italian guys go in there fucking crying.
So it was designed for that.
Then I came in there with my fucking dick and shit show and, uh, I couldn't
really hear
myself from the first show and I was kind of shouting and I had gone on Twitter
and I
was reading all these, all this fucking, you know, the hysteria that's on
Twitter right
now with this, this, uh, Kavanaugh and a Ford thing going on.
And it's, it's just, everybody is just yelling at each other and just everybody's
making these
fucking, I'm doing it right now saying everybody, but there's a lot of people.
I just making these fucking huge, huge, huge statements on both sides, all of
them just
inflammatory for the most part.
And, um, I was, you know, the, I, I, it's just, it's just fucking insane.
So many people were making the case about themselves under the guise of
supporting the defendant,
you know, and then there was all these other fucking idiots on the other side.
Like, uh, you know, fuck that bitch shit.
Meathead shit.
And, um, I mean, I'm a comedian, I got to know what's going on.
So I was just sort of reading that.
It just sort of affected my attitude when I went on stage.
I think I just came out too fucking hard and sounded too angry.
And I had to kind of adjust on the, uh, the second show.
And then I, I couldn't really hear myself.
Um, but we got it fixed for the next show.
And then Sunday night, it was great.
But, uh, I kind of learned something where it's like, when you do a show as big
as that,
you just, you don't want to do it again for like five days, you know, and then
go to a
really fucking small place and kind of bomb a little bit and just sort of shake
off the
memory of what you just did.
And then you can just go back to being normal again, because, um, I was like,
uh, I was
all over the map the first show.
Like I was still thinking about the forum the night before going, Oh wait, I
did the
joke this cause it was, you know, it was fucking, it was, it was incredible
experience.
Um, the only I can equate it to was when I drank at Guinness in Ireland and I
remember
drinking it going, this fucking doesn't taste any different than America.
And then I came back to America and I fucking drank a Guinness and I almost
spit it out.
So then what I had to do was I had to go fucking drink like Bush light, you
know,