Name: Monday Morning Podcast 10-22-18
Uploaded: 2018-10-22T22:01:23.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 10-22-18' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-10-22. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 10-22-18' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-10-22. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 10-22-18

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday, October 22nd, 2018.
What's going on? How are ya?
Oh, it's almost the holiday season.
A doobie doobie doo.
And Halloween and Thanksgiving, don't forget about them, before you slide into
fucking Hanukkah and Christmas.
Right?
Halloween and Thanksgiving are the fucking Joey Bishop and, what's the other
guy's name?
What was the other guy that was in the Rat Pack? Was it Rod Laver?
Something Crawford? I don't know what the fuck his name was.
Cindy Crawford? Cindy Serum.
Isn't it great that Cindy's back on TV telling these old broads if they get the
fucking Serum and they don't have her genetics, they're still somehow going to
look younger?
You know?
I mean, she honestly looks like she's like fucking 30.
I'm going to get some Cindy's theorem.
My hair is going to come back.
It's going to be all wavy.
I'm going to get a fucking contract with Chanel.
My stupid phone keeps saying, update Apple ID settings.
It's not a stupid phone.
I apologize.
Excuse me.
I misspoke.
It's not a stupid phone.
It's a smartphone.
Oh, it's so fucking smart.
Every two seconds, you know?
It's a diva.
Update Apple ID settings.
Some account services will not be available until you sign in again.
So I keep signing in and there's some sort of fucking code they're supposed to
send me.
And I think I deleted it because I just thought it was some bullshit from
Verizon.
You know, like if you want to, if you want to pay your bill online, you know,
what option to fucking submit your DNA if you'd like with your fingerprint?
So we can pass that on to some fucking Russian mobster who's then going to buy
a penthouse in fucking New York City for $9 zillion and nobody's going to give
a shit.
I want to, I want to know why, why.
All right, if I got to sit here supporting the troops, being American and all
of that shit, why these rich cunts in this fucking country can then turn around
and sell real estate to people that live in countries that we have problems
with.
I don't want to get all 80 stand up here, but what's the deal they do?
They would fucking, I swear to God, if one of these jungle gym fucking training
ISIS guys could somehow scrape together fucking $9 zillion to buy a fucking
townhouse in Manhattan, they'd sell it to him.
No one would have a fucking problem.
No one.
Well, maybe somebody would have a problem and we'd fucking go away, go away
real quick.
All right.
By the time I go to New York City, which I was just there, I had a wonderful
time.
I saw this fucking dude from Russia.
He bought three townhouses on the Upper East, the Upper West Side.
The fucking things go for like $20, $30 million a whack.
The fucking guy buys three side by side.
He's gutting all of them to turn them into the biggest fucking apartment in
Manhattan.
Here's the kicker.
He bought it for his ex-wife.
My first thought was, well, Jesus Christ, that ought to shut her up.
That ought to get him at least through fucking, you know, Halloween and
Thanksgiving before the holiday season really fucking kicks in.
You spend all your, you know, you know what's funny about that fucking broad?
She probably still wants something for Christmas too.
I'm trying to help you.
I can't fucking do a Russian accent, but I can't imagine what the fucking, you
know, good and goddamn well, if he doesn't go out and get her some big, shiny,
stupid fucking, I mean, how much of a fucking headache was she?
This is his ex-wife.
He went out and bought her that.
I mean, if I was his accountant, I'd be like, you still fucking banging her?
I mean, what's going on here?
What are we doing?
Get a one, Boris.
What are you, are you buying a fucking three?
Um, yeah.
And I guess he doesn't get audited because he's, I don't know, the whole
fucking thing is weird.
And then you'll see like, you know, there'll be like some giant goddamn
building and they'll be like the top fucking nine floors for a cool $170
million.
They always say a cool was sold to some fucking person on mainland China.
All these people, okay, Chinese, right?
You know what they're doing, right?
They're putting like, they're doing something with the toys.
I forget what it was.
Somebody told me this one night in a bar.
Uh, the guy was whispering.
He had one eyebrow, but he really seemed to make sense.
They're doing something with the toys.
Russia is fucking with the elections, right?
Isn't that what I'm supposed to know?
Or supposed to say?
Or supposed to repeat?
Now that I'm in Hollywood?
I don't know.
I don't even know what the fuck I'm talking about.
All I know is it's very early in the morning and, uh, I'm getting my podcast
done here before my, uh, my little cutie pie wakes up and I was supposed to do
it last night, but, um, we ended up going out.
We went out to breakfast, you know, I hadn't seen it forever, right?
And I was away from the family for nine days.
So we went out to breakfast and, uh, man, she came home for a nap.
And then afterwards we went to this pumpkin patch and it just fucking wore me
out.
You know, I mean, I could have come on and done a podcast, but I wouldn't have
been as funny.
You know, I wouldn't have been able to give you all that vital information you
needed to know about the country of Russia and China.
I mean, all of that stuff was dead on.
You can go fact jacket at billboard.com.
I got all the facts to fucking, to back it up.
Right.
Um, I'm only kidding.
Um, if you're from Russia and you're from China and you'd like to take your
dirty blood money and, uh, spread it around here, then by all means, by all
means, let's have after, after all the suspicion about the last election, let's
have somebody from Russia by three fucking townhouses right in the goddamn
fucking Manhattan.
Why don't, why don't we do that?
Why don't we have a fucking commercial late at night?
Okay.
That has a fucking knife sharpener thing.
That's so goddamn sharp.
Evidently you can sharpen a credit card with it and cut a fucking pineapple in
half.
Why don't we fucking do that and ignore our goddamn recent history and just
have that out on the market.
Now that's not a red flag.
Have something out there that could take a fucking butter knife and have it go
through a frozen fucking steak.
Dude, the commercial that literally showing the thing, I almost feel like
fucking irresponsible putting this information on sharpening a credit card.
Okay.
Then it looks slices of, I don't know what it was.
Went through a fucking shoe.
I love the thing.
That's just like, we took this serrated fucking knife and we fucking went
across concrete and then we stuck it in this fucking thing and now you can cut
your postman's fucking shoe off.
With his foot still in it.
Once again, I don't want to do 80 stand up here, but how sharp does the fucking
knife need to be?
I was watching that commercial last night with, with the lovely Nia and we were
just laughing our asses off.
Going, I wouldn't want that in my house.
I wouldn't, I wouldn't be, I wouldn't feel safe with me fucking having a knife
that.
I cut the fucking tip of my finger off.
God knows what some other lunatic.
Okay.
No civilian needs a knife that fucking sharp.
Even those fucking, uh, Dyson cunts on one of those cooking shows.
You know, I always wondered if that fucking guy from hell's kitchen ever
realized how sharp the fucking knives are of the people that he's screaming and
yelling at, you know?
And I worked with enough fucking restaurants being one when I was growing up to
realize that people who work in the kitchen for the most part are not the most
stable fucking people.
Fucking lunatics.
I used to work in this fucking restaurant.
One of the guys was on work release, meaning at night he went back to jail.
It slices, it dices.
You can rob a bank with it.
Um, anyways, I'm so fucking happy to, uh, I'm an old man now, people.
I can't, I can't go on the road for that long, you know?
And now that I've took the time to build a personal life and have something to
come home to, you know what I mean?
I miss all the varmints running around on my property, taking out my slingshot,
killing something before breakfast.
You know, that's one of my favorite things to do.
Go out in nature, breathe it in, feel the peace, and fucking kill something.
Skin it, look around, making sure no other predators coming around want to
steal my kill.
I remember one time I saw this beautiful family of squirrels right outside my,
uh, my, my breakfast, my breakfast nook.
Something I carved out without a permit.
You know, a little barren wall, but they, nobody need to know that, right?
And I saw this little family of squirrels, and the mother was handing a little
baby, a squirrel, a little fucking nut, and right before it handed it to her, I
blew that thing's fucking brains out.
It made me feel like an American.
I mean, that little fucker was coming down, and you know, I have a little bird
feeder, and that feeds for the birds, all right?
And I don't want to hear nothing about no goddamn squirrel, ain't no fucking,
ain't fucking smart enough to realize that bird food is bird food, and, and
squirrel food is squirrel food.
It just reminded me, you know, when I saw that bird, it reminded me of Isis,
and I was like, what is this little beady-eyed motherfucker doing in the bird
feed?
And I killed it in front of its baby squirrel to send a message to the other
squirrels.
Sorry.
Anyways, did anybody watch any, what do you want to talk about first?
You want to talk Formula One racing?
You want to talk fucking F1?
You know what, considering, and it's a weird call right now.
I just talked about killing varmints in your fucking backyard, which is very
American, very patriotic, borderline a holiday, right?
But I also talked about Russian and Chinese people buying fucking, you know,
top-level fucking real estate.
Jesus, Bill, can you get it out?
They bought it in America.
All right, let's go F1.
F1.
Oh, Lewis Hamilton.
Lewis, the finger-pointer, Hamilton.
One of the great drivers of all time, but, oh, does that guy like to fucking
point fingers?
When he doesn't win a race, oh, my God.
He always goes, you know, I don't know what happened, you know, I don't really
understand what the strategy was there.
I'll have to find out about that.
But, you know, racing is tough.
He always does that.
Maybe that's why he's great.
It was a really, really, really fucking exciting race.
Lewis Hamilton had the pull.
All right, the fucking race starts.
Kimi Räikkönen said, you know what?
I haven't won a race since 2015.
I think today's a good fucking day to try to win one.
And he comes to, I don't even know what, you know, because I didn't see any of
the qualifying.
I fast-forwarded through all the grid lineups and shit.
I thought it was Vettel at first.
And when I saw fucking Vettel spin out, you know what I love about Vettel?
Vettel and Kimi Räikkönen.
I just love guys who drive emotionally.
Sebastian Vettel was driving the way I drive in fucking rush hour traffic.
He ends up spinning out, fucking up his car.
Then he just, you know, he doesn't wave and go, I'm sorry.
Just slams on the gas like he's fucking Burt Reynolds.
Spins the car around, keeps driving.
And the guy managed to get all the way back up to the front of the field to the
point that Lewis Hamilton needed to come in second if he was going to win yet
another championship.
You know I tease Lewis Hamilton just because, you know, it's not like I don't
fucking respect the guy.
But, you know, I'm new to this sport.
What am I?
Am I just going to become a Lewis Hamilton fan?
I'm just going to start watching college football.
And who's your favorite team?
Alabama.
I'm not fucking doing that.
I'm going to root for LSU.
Yeah, you got to go contrarian.
So anyways, he had a chance.
Everybody, I think he fucking, yeah, he pitted early.
Like really early, like on lap 12 of 56.
I'm thinking, what the fuck is he doing?
Because no matter what he does, those tires are going to wear out.
So now he's in first pl