Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 11-8-18
Uploaded: 2018-11-09T01:38:50.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 11-8-18' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-11-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 11-8-18' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-11-09. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 11-8-18

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon,
just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you.
What's going on? How are you?
I'm in Chicago. My kind of town, Chicago is. My kind of town, Chicago is.
Eating heart attack food, Chicago is. A great place to put on 40 pounds, it's
my kind of town.
Yeah, all you got is steaks, chops, deep dish pizza, you know? Remember that
old SNL sketch where they all dress like Mike Ditka and they all having fucking
heart attacks and stuff?
Yeah, this ends my six straight weekends on the road, and I got to tell you, I
was in such great shape at the beginning of it, and now I'm starting to go in
the wrong direction.
So it starts tonight. I just ordered a little bit of room service, something
healthy, something not so healthy, but I'm fucking, I got two shows tonight.
I'm just going to go home. As you can tell, I'm fighting off a fucking cold
that almost ruined my show last night at Madison Square Garden.
Thank you to everybody who showed up. I had a great goddamn time. The sound was
incredible.
I had a bunch of friends came out and saw it, and they all were like, oh my God,
we really enjoyed it, which made me feel good.
Thank you to the people. You know, some people gave me some gifts. You know, I
got some cigars this week.
Thank you to everybody who came out to the F is for Family thingamajig there
that I did at the Paley Center with Mike Price and Peter Billingsley.
We actually aired the first episode for the people that were there. We actually
got a great review from Forbes magazine about our third season saying it's our
best fucking season and one of the top half hours on Netflix.
I mean, I am having a hell of a week. I really am. I'm enjoying myself, but I'm
eating like a fucking idiot.
I'm drinking this stupid ass fucking vitamin C shit, you know. Dude, just keep
drinking those packets. It's like, well, it's a thousand milligrams.
Well, drink two of them. Do I really want two thousand of anything in me? That
just seems like a lot. Can you OD on vitamin C?
You know, how many times can the cold virus kick vitamin C's ass before we
realize that it really doesn't do anything?
Vitamin C overdose. You know, somebody did this.
OK, for adults, the recommended daily amount for vitamin C is 65 to 90
milligrams.
Now, what do I got? I got a thousand milligrams.
And the upper limit is two thousand milligrams a day, although too much dietary
vitamin C is unlikely to be harmful.
Mega doses of vitamin C supplements might cause diarrhea or nausea.
OK, we can't OD on it.
It's fucking hilarious if you get so into health that you're fucking overdosed.
The ugly truth behind the vitamin vitamin C overdose, according to Spoon
University.
Oh, do they like to snuggle when they learn things?
Spoon University. I hate being sick, and I'm guessing you do, too, says the
article.
But I'm sure most of you have heard someone you can never take too much vitamin
C.
Is that really true or is it a myth?
Can we overdose on vitamins? I don't care.
I don't care. I'm fucking if I'm reading, just say the answer.
I don't want to read an episode of a fucking television show that doesn't exist.
I saw an old person reading a book the other day at the airport.
I was just like, wow, that's fucking amazing.
You know, they just didn't give in.
Wasn't staring at a fucking smartphone like everybody else, including myself.
You know, I actually use my smartphone to help me with my stress.
Whenever I'm stressing out, I just play fucking solitaire.
You know?
It's got a nice fucking mellow guitar thing.
Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah.
All this fucking song it plays in the background.
I just don't give a shit.
I try to beat my top score.
You know, and I look up.
I'm still not at the airport.
I don't give a fuck.
I really don't.
You know what I hate?
I hate when you're in a fucking security line at the airport and some fucking
asshole behind you goes, can I just get through?
I'm sorry.
My flight's already boarding.
It's just like, okay, well, you're fucking going to miss it then.
Now, because you're late, because you're late, you get rewarded for being late
by not having to wait in the fucking line like the rest of us.
Fuck you.
Fuck you and fuck your flight.
You know, I'm sorry, could I just end in this stupid body language?
They're trying to be all, like, submissive as they walk past you.
I mean, what's to stop somebody from just saying my flight leaves in fucking
ten minutes?
I mean, that's the move.
If you don't have TSA pre-check or global or, you know, if you didn't have your
taint mapped, whatever the fuck they're doing now to get you on the plane
sooner, I mean, that's the move, I think.
If you're a conspiracy theorist and you don't want them to have any more
information about you, but you don't like waiting in lines, I would just show
up and say, I'm sorry, my flight leaves in ten minutes.
Can I just, can I just, oh, God, I'm sorry, can I just.
Yeah, somebody needs to give those people the O right there, Fred.
Oh, God.
I'm fucking miserable.
If I can somehow do these two shows tonight and not get sick.
If I can just fight it off.
But anyways, I had the greatest fucking night ever last night.
Just wire to wire.
I just had a fucking awesome set.
And then the after party was at Gotham Comedy Club with the Mazzillis, who I've
known forever.
And they made this incredible cake.
I believe they got the cake boss to make it.
We took pictures.
I uploaded it and shit.
But it was, it was, it was, the cake was not only Madison Square Garden, it
also looked like a snare drum.
Because, you know, obviously I play drums.
There was a helicopter on it.
And then they had this big figurine of me wearing that fucking shirt I wore in
my last special with the stars on it.
And then they had the John Bonham's Green Sparkle 1971 Ludwig kit.
You know, with this little Zeppelin IV insignia on it.
It was incredible.
Fucking cake was incredible.
And they let us, well, I can't say what they let us do because I don't like to
get them in fucking trouble.
But, you know, something they usually make you do outside.
They allowed us to do inside, which was fucking tremendous.
And that was it.
And I fucking went home and now I'm in Chicago.
I'm in fucking Chicago.
I got four shows here.
At the Chicago Theater, which arguably has the greatest marquee in the country,
I feel.
Speaking of the greatest, Paul Verzi's special, thanks to you guys.
It's one of the highest rated specials Comedy Central's had in a long time.
It's fucking crushing it.
It has over like a million views.
So thank you to everybody who went out and watched it.
It's still streaming on Comedy Central.
You can check it out.
It's great for Paul.
It's great for me because he did it with my company, All Things Comedy.
Mine and Al Madrigal's, you know, it's fucking tremendous.
That's the first one.
And you know what?
We got three more coming.
If you think Paul Verzi was the high watermark and we're going to dip.
Nope.
Everybody's just going to be at the same fucking level.
It's all going to be quality.
Do I sound like Trump right now?
I actually watched a little bit of that news conference, by the way.
You know, that childish fucking affair.
Jesus Christ.
Everybody's just yelling at each other.
The reporter continuing to ask questions.
Is Trump saying, I'm done with you?
Then he walked away from the microphone.
That whole fucking thing on both sides was like embarrassing.
And I am not a fan of Trump.
But for people to sit there and act like the media does not fucking absolutely
hate that fucking guy.
I've never seen, I mean, I've never seen a guy get fucking attacked the way
this fucking dude gets attacked.
It's like watching a comic play a hell room.
He's just up there getting fucking heckled.
He's like, I'm not going to do my fucking act then.
I'm not going to do my act.
He's like, hey, you fucking suck.
I don't know.
It's the worst job on the fucking planet.
You literally get blamed for everything.
You know?
Why don't they fucking have a press conference with some of these fucking piece
of shit corporations?
Polluting the water.
Stealing from people.
Blowing up the economy.
And then ripping the rug out from everyone.
What the fuck about them?
You become president.
You're just their fucking stooge.
And you go out there and you stand there.
And you just get yelled at by these fucking nerds who think they're in the
paper chase or some shit.
I have no idea.
Another fucking bad story.
It's just a bad, you know, I just put on the TV and I saw that whole thing
about the fucking one of those mass shootings things.
And it just makes no sense that those things happen all the time other than the
fact that that's all they fucking show on TV.
And there has to be.
And there has to be some sort of connection to that because there's always been
a shitload of guns.
And a shitload of people that had them.
And I literally think, like, it's like the ice bucket challenge for psychos.
They just fuck.
Remember that?
Everybody saw everybody doing the ice bucket challenge.
So then everybody had to start dumping fucking water over their heads instead
of just giving money.
I never understood that.
It's like, what is the cause?
Okay, that's a good cause.
I mean, I don't have to ruin my shirt for it, do I?
Would you like some money?
I'm willing to give you some.
So, I would love to see if they could experiment just not giving it any
coverage.
And then it would just fade away like an old pop star, I think.
You know?
I don't know.
That's my two.
Because other than that, I don't have any fucking solution for it.
Just fucking horrific how anybody could fucking do something like that.
But anyways, back to the comedy.
Back to the comedy.
Oh, my God.
This is one of these fucking days.
Some days doing a podcast is easy.
You know?
It's like falling out of bed.
Well, that's not a fucking fun thing, is it?
It's like getting out of bed, rolling out of bed.
It's like taking a nap.
Is that an easy thing?
We asked people, 100 people, did a survey, said, name the top five things that
are easy.
You know how bad I would suck on fucking The Family Feud?
I can't even say the name of the show.
The Family Feud.
Name something that's easy to do.
Mr. Burr, fall out of bed?
Show me fall out of bed.
Sullivan family with a chance to steal.
I'd be that last family member, you know what I mean?
Fucking dude all the way down the end.
You know, families only have so many smart people, and it seems when you watch
The Family Feud, it stops around three.
Is there five people on that show?
It's always the last two.
You know?
Somebody always just says something that sucks.
Well, you should really do it.
I think, well, how would you do that?
It's almost like a batting lineup with intelligence, okay?
Because you've got to have your leadoff hitter.
You know, you've got to have somebody bat and clean up, and then you've got
your pitcher bat and knife.
If we're going by National League rules here, right?
What do you do?
Do you put the dummy up front when all the answers are still on the board?
Name a word that begins with A, apple, bing, number one answer, right?
Or do you just leave that guy down the end and hope that everybody else, you
know, does a good job?
I wonder if there's fights.
You know, when somebody finds out, yeah, hey, we're going to have you all the
way down to the end.
Basically, the right field of intelligence.
We're going to have you all the way down the fucking end.
Now, is the person too stupid to realize that that's where the dumbest person
is?
You know, and everybody needs to get a hit.
Everybody needs to get a hit because this motherfucker is going to get a strike.
All right?
Just put him all the fuck way down.
He's going to get the least at bats.
In theory.
They should have a fucking, a week of all those fucking people down the ends.
You know?
You just make super families out of that last person.
Just the dumbest motherfucker