Name: Monday Morning Podcast 11-12-18
Uploaded: 2018-11-12T23:33:46.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 11-12-18' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-11-12. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 11-12-18' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-11-12. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 11-12-18

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the monday morning podcast
for monday
november 12th 2000 and fucking 18 i still haven't fixed this stupid microphone
um how are you how's
it going how's it going in your world i know everybody who hates the patriots
is is happy
today jesus christ what a bunch of babies man i've never seen a fucking team
well maybe not
stoop i guess we used to fucking hate the yankees like that but it's just like
every time we lose a
fucking game it's like is this the end are the wheels coming on i mean how many
fucking times
one of these times it's gonna be the end sure brady's fucking 41 years old all
these fucking
jerk-offs talking shit and by the way dion lewis i'm really disappointed with
that
they asked him was it personal he said is it personal he said hell yeah it's
personal that's
what happens when you go cheap you get your ass kicked it's like dude this isn't
something new
this this was going on way before when you were like fucking eight years old
this is the way they
ran the team and you went in there and you got yourself a ring or two what's
the problem
jesus christ yeah this is what happens when you go cheap you lose a game in
november these guys just
acted like they just knocked us out of the fucking playoffs um however i couldn't
help but think when i
did not watch one second in that game yesterday sorry i was flying back from
chicago i watched some
highlights of it and uh i hadn't seen my kiddo in like a week so you know
obviously i'm not gonna
come home and sit down and watch a fucking football game i do have it on tape i
am gonna fucking watch
it or whatever whatever you kids call it i do i have it on the cloud um yeah
just sounded like you
know they they were the better team they fucking came in they were ready to go
we weren't and we got
behind early and then we didn't win the game you know i don't know what are we
seven and three i don't
know what the fuck everybody's you know this guy just goes it's just just a blip
on the radar or is
it we're playing 700 ball that's how high the fucking standard is so anyways um
and evidently i think the
titans just won a fucking championship according to dion lewis you know i don't
get it i love that guy but
like i was you know you know what i mean i i like i don't understand why people
say shit like that in
november if you learned anything in new england you know that november you didn't
win anything you won a
game that's it congratulations i gotta tell you though i couldn't help but uh
think about that
lunatic that i saw in that sports bar in new york city a few weeks ago when the
patriots are playing
the chiefs and now that guy was just yelling going fucking you know this is it
this is how it is now
you guys are over looking around the bar it's over right i i can't imagine how
psyched he was
yesterday when the patriots lost and the chiefs won because now i believe the
chiefs have a two-game
lead despite head-to-head you know we won the game but like that's a really
good look for them
if we got to try to beat them again uh in kansas city will the chiefs finally
push their way through
i gotta be honest if the chiefs do get through if they do get past us if we can
actually uh make it
there if i can fucking hear myself in this fucking piece of shit microphone um
if they do beat us or whatever that that will be the team that i root for in
the super bowl because
jesus christ they haven't won it since like fucking bart star was in the league
i think he might
have just retired by the way the last great number 15 at quarterback bart star
no offense to neil
lomax um anyways what else i am done for the year people with road dates other
than this little trip
i have to take to new york to promote f is for family season three which comes
out november 30th on
netflix um i'm in town and i ain't doing fucking shit except hanging out with
my daughter you know
what i i have we are relative ours got a got her out one of those electric
fucking cars you know that
they can sit in i came home and i put that thing together it was fucking
hilarious she got on the
thing she didn't get it and took her a couple times just pushing the button and
then she just she
actually took her finger off the button laughed and clapped her hands like this
is the shit so
you know because one of my big days is a dad coming up i don't know maybe in
depending on how
tall she is sometime when she's around 11 or 12 so i'm going to teach her how
to drive my truck which
shifts uh three on the column you know which no fucking kid you know for the
most part knows how to
drive a stick anymore forget about one on the column so i think it'd be pretty
badass if i teach her how
to do that and that's something when i was a kid my dad used to do that he used
to take us down to
the south shore plaza when i was like 12 years old 11 and 12 and i'd go down
there in a 1978 uh
chevy chevette four-speed transmission and that was back when um
the uh the mall was closed on sunday because everybody you know allegedly was
going to church
and on the seventh day you know god rested and and you know blah blah blah blah
all that shit so
you know you couldn't sell any liquor you couldn't sell any booze um you couldn't
be open like grocery
stores would be open but that was basically it and uh they had like sunday
hours you know so we used to
go down there in the empty uh parking lot and he would he taught all his kids
how to drive down there
we learned on a stick shift and i remember when i went to go get my driver's
license i took it on a
a stick i think it was that car no we would have got rid of it by that no no no
that's right no we
still had it we still had it 1984 would only be six years old even though a
fucking tree fell on it
we got it fixed yeah i went down i took in i remember uh the guy made me park
on a hill
you know doing that shit and i was like oh fuck all right here we go just don't
stall out here and
then you're gonna be fine you're gonna be fine it's one of the few tests that i
passed
during those years everything else everything else that i guess really fucking
mattered that would
have led to a nicer car i failed
but then i i started doing comedy and oh boy
everything happened for me i got to play at the chicago theater everybody
for four incredible shows i want to thank everybody that came out we had such a
great time
um when we were there we didn't make it to the liars club i as you can tell i've
been fighting
off a cold and it's just the last time i went to the liars club i mean i was
there till like four in
the fucking morning and didn't wake up till five in the afternoon and then did
a show at at the
chicago theater i felt like it was breakfast time i'd literally just had eggs
and walked on stage and
these poor people had been working all fucking day and i came out there like
this fucking bum
still in a good show though because i'm a pro um fucking with you anyways um
we ate at this place uh new place we went to in chicago this place gibson's
and we got a steak cream spinach was fucking unbelievable and then in the end
i gotta get the name of this fucking thing that these guys said
they go do you want dessert and you know when you go out and get a steak you
know
if you get like the filet mignon that's the smart way to go but there's no
flavor in it it's really
bland they always gotta have all these dipping sauces with it so i got some
bone-in ribeye
i ate that thing like fucking fried flintstones so now i'm sitting there even
though we didn't get
potatoes or anything i'm still i'm fucking leaning i ate the whole thing i
should have cut it in half
i didn't i'm fucking leaning and then these guys come over and they were like
hey you want dessert
and we're like no no no we're good we're good and they're like no no so some of
the wagers went
to the show last night they want to bring you over uh they want to bring you
over a fucking dessert
right i'm trying to find this gibson's menu chicago hang on a second i i gotta
i have to upload a
fucking picture of this thing they brought this goddamn piece of cake
this fucking piece of cake over i swear to god it was like it was like a whole
cake
something like banana dreamboat when i saw the menu i i was saying to my
somebody i forget who i said
i'll give you 20 bucks if you just fucking order this just because i want to
hear you say it out loud
gibson's menu all right what is it called here hang on hang on all right here's
the menu what do we
got here the meaning of life cake that wasn't it pumpkin pie banana cream pie
oh you don't fucking have
it it was something like banana dreamboat
i don't even know what it was but it was also it was verzi's birthday and we
took him out to
breakfast right and we ended up getting him they don't we go it's his birthday
so it's breakfast and
they brought over like some fucking one of those chocolate whipped cream uh
fucking waffles or whatever and we sang happy birthday to him as loud as humanly
possible in
the thing just getting right in his face and i was actually joking with first
years ago you know
what i go that's why guys are funny because if we were women that actually
would have been sincere
he was just sitting there fucking embarrassed to shit it was such a great time
so um anyways
i'll be honest with you i really don't have a lot to fucking talk about
i've been just fighting off this goddamn cold oh i know what i can talk about
so when i was in
when i was in chicago you know i told my travel agent i go book me uh book me
in a nice hotel close to the
fucking um the venue now i'm a fancy man at this point so i don't even handle
any of that shit i
finally learned how to delegate stuff because i was doing my whole career i was
like fucking chuck
barry the way he'd drive up to the venue in his own car with his fucking guitar
in the back seat
that's what i was doing you know which adds a ton of fucking responsibility and
shit because then you got
to tell your openers where all where the hotel is you got to go in you got to
check out i never had a
fucking tour manager never did that shit because uh you know i'm an anti-social
son of a
bitch and all i'm thinking is this is just going to be another fucking guy i
have to talk to
and blah blah blah blah blah and i'm just going to be that down to earth
fucking guy who just
fucking blah blah blah you know just comes walking in well that's what i did
and guess what
now i'm getting text messages from people who work at fucking avis who i rented
a car
you know eight years oh you remember me you rented a ford focus you fucking get
stupid
stupid fucking move that's what being down to earth gets you gets a bunch of
people
fucking calling you up you know that you had a two-second interaction with all
right so if you learn
anything on this podcast all right as you move up the ladder it's very
important to forget where you came
from all right and what you want to do is treat people who you feel your ego
tells you are not at your level
you want to treat them less than okay no but there is there is a certain level
you know well you have to kind of dial it back like i went out and did a
fucking meet and greet
you know one time when i was in reno this guy goes take a picture with my wife
and i go fine and he
reaches in his jacket to fucking take out a camera and a nine millimeter fell
on the fucking ground
and i pointed at the gun and went oh and watched him pick it back up again like
a i should have kicked
it i should have done some sort of steven seagal move but you know that's i
mean i didn't grow up
around guns i was just like oh i think you dropped something sir fortunately it
was an off-duty cop
although he ran out of there because it was a native american reservation they
were we were on their land
and you're not allowed to bring a uh a weapon in there probably especially as a
white man considering
what happened the first time around they probably don't want white people
coming in with guns anymore
right so um th