Name: Monday Morning Podcast 11-19-18
Uploaded: 2018-11-19T17:38:45.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 11-19-18' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-11-19. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 11-19-18' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-11-19. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 11-19-18

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday, November 18th, 2018.
What's going on? How are ya?
As you can tell, I am not using my fucking mixer or anything right now. I left
everything at home.
I'm doing a little staycation with my wife. Staycation! All I ever wanted!
And we're having a great time, alright? And if there's other married people out
there, I highly recommend it.
It's cheap, it's a great way to reconnect with your spouse and be like, oh yeah,
we love each other.
Remember? I totally forgot. You know, you get all caught up in your job, you
got the kid, the fucking termites took over your fucking house,
whatever the hell's going on in your world, you start taking each other for
granted.
So, we've been out here for a couple days having a good time.
It's weird though, once you have a kid, then you go on a staycation, you're
loving it,
but then, you know, your kid's staying with the relatives and then you miss
your kid.
So, you know, I don't know.
Whatever. What are you going to do?
Nia's hilarious. I smoked a cigar last night, right?
And, um,
I didn't finish it.
So, this morning, I went down to the, uh, the hotel pool, which was fucking
gigantic.
And I already had it in my head that I was going to do 10 laps there and back,
counting as one.
And this thing was like, one of the biggest fucking pools I've ever been in.
It was like literally two and a half times the size of, uh, you know, even the
average hotel pool.
I mean, the deep end was eight feet and then 10 feet.
I mean, this is an old school, like it had everything but a diving board, you
know?
That's how old I am.
I remember you'd go to a fucking hotel and not only did the hotel have an
actual deep end, you know,
because now you go there, the things are like fucking four feet deep.
No diving is written all around the whole pool.
Um, but back in the day, man, you'd fucking show up and it was a giant pool
with a deep end.
They'd have a fucking diving board and they would just say, man, you want to
break your neck or drown yourself?
You know, we have all the facilities out there for you to, uh, succeed at just
that.
Um, so anyway, as I went down there and I swam around and like, I always have
to go like the length of the pool underwater.
And like, in order to make it, I had to come up to the surface and then do the
crawl really quickly just to get to the final like four feet.
Um, and I was so goddamn out of breath and I still get like freaked out when I'm
in pools and shit because I saw Jaws at a certain age.
It's why I can't go in the fucking ocean.
And I was still thinking like, well, if there's a, what's, there's a fucking
alligator, you know, some douchebag drug dealer, you know, or a fucking boxer
or rich person.
You know, those are the people, you know, some fucking Saudi Arabian fucking
prince buys a house in the Hollywood Hills.
You know, they always, they always like fucking have a pet cheetah or some shit,
you know, then everybody has the exotic cats.
So now this dude's got to top everybody else and he gets a fucking alligator
and the thing gets loose and then slips into the pool.
I, that like, that's the shit that I think about when I go swimming.
It's fucked.
Um, especially in a pool that big where I felt like I was in a lake.
Um, but anyway, so Nia ends up coming down, right?
And I told her it was like 10 in the morning and I still had like a little bit
of that cigar left.
I go, I might go back to the room and smoke the rest of that cigar.
She goes, gross.
At 10 in the morning, you're going to smoke a cigar at 10 in the morning?
She goes, what are you, what are you, a fucking crime boss?
Ah, God damn, I really married a fucking hilarious woman.
Um, but anyways, um, before I tell you more about my staycation, all I ever
wanted, um, I got to tell you about the, uh, the Patrisso, the seventh annual
Patrisso Neal comedy benefit.
Um, it's going to be Tuesday, February 19th, 2019, um, at 7 p.m. at the City
Center Theater, where we always do it, um, New York, New York, 131 West 55th
Street.
Um, this is the most important show that I do every year.
Um, I'm going to thank everyone before you guys even buy tickets.
We've sold out every single year and I, I can't even begin to get into it cause
I'll get too emotional, but like the level with which that you've guys have, um,
you know, just by buying tickets have helped out, you know, his family and
everything.
Like they've really been taken care of and are totally been blown away by the
generosity of you guys showing up.
And then of course, all the comedians who've done this show for us throughout
the years that, you know, I mean, it's a benefit.
It's a free show for them and they always take time out of their schedule.
We've had people fucking fly in.
So anyways, um, this is our lineup this year.
All right.
We have the fucking amazing.
Now I can't do adjectives for everybody cause I'm going to run out.
I'm going to run out.
Okay.
Everybody on here is a fucking monster.
We've got big Jay Oakerson.
Uh, we got Gary Gullman, Jim Gaffigan, Michelle Wolf, Rich Voss will host it as
always.
Cypher sounds, Chris red, um, with more names to be announced, um, possible big
time special guest is on the fence.
Um, this is just like, it's on always, and it always comes off.
It's like a fucking high school reunion and Voss does the intros.
He fucking trashes everybody.
And it's sort of like, it's this fun standup show slash roast where we're just
out there, just giving each other shit.
And, um, it's awesome.
So anyways, like I said, uh, Tuesday, November 7th.
Now you're probably like, well, how do I get, how do I buy tickets?
Well, there's three ways to get tickets.
You go to, uh, www.newyork, oh, sorry, www.nycitycenter.org.
Or you can call city tickets at 212-581-1212.
And their hours are Monday through Saturday, noon to 8 p.m.
Sunday, noon to 7.30.
Or you can go to the box office, 131 West 55th Street, between 6th and 7th
Avenue.
Um, and their hours are Monday through Saturday, noon to 8, and Sunday, noon to
7.30.
And, uh, when the fuck do these tickets go live?
But of course, I don't have that goddamn information in front of me.
Um, but I know it's, it's 9 p.m.
Uh, Pacific time this Monday.
When you're listening to it today, I should say.
Uh, the 19th, I guess.
Right?
Did I say at the top of the podcast that it was Monday, November 18th?
It's Monday, November 19th.
Um, so anyways, sorry for the long, all that information.
But this really is, this, this is, this is the, the biggest gig that I do every
year.
Because, um, you know, he just was such a special person.
And his family is so fucking awesome.
And, uh, you know, anyways.
All right.
Let me get back, let me get back to the podcast.
Uh, all right.
Oh, wait, I have other shit to talk about here.
This is old, old Billy announcer.
I'm loving life right now, dude.
Like staycation three days.
That's all I fucking need.
I'm German Irish.
I don't need to fucking lay around for 10 days.
You give me three fucking days where I can just hang out and fucking with my
fucking absolutely gorgeous wife.
She really is a beauty.
Um, and just, we've been laughing our asses off just having a great fucking
time.
So, anyways, here's another one.
Uh, international dates.
All right.
All links to these are going to be at billbird.com.
Or you can go to the venue website for details.
These are all my international dates.
Um, for the first half of, uh, 2019.
All right.
The following dates are January 4th to January 13th.
All right.
I'm going to be in Cologne, Germany.
The next day I'm in Munich, Germany.
Then I'm in Offenbach, Germany.
Then I'm in Tallinn, Estonia.
I hope I say these fucking places right.
Riga, Riga, Latvia, Budapest, Hungary, Warsaw, Poland, Berlin, Germany, Prague,
Czech Republic,
and Wien, Austria.
I thought I was going to be in Vienna.
Who the fuck is Wien?
Well, Wien, Austria, motherfucker.
I'm sorry.
Um, and then, and then, and then, and then, and then I got a fucking UK-Scotland
run.
Starting in February.
February 26th.
I'm going to be in Liverpool.
Never been there.
She loves you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Right?
The fucking Beatles.
Um, the next day I'm going to be in Glasgow, Scotland.
Any virgins?
Glasgow.
Remember that, Bon Scott, when he sang the Jack live there?
Um, Birmingham in England.
Manchester on the 2nd of March.
And then I'm going to be in London, England for return engagement at Royal
Albert Hall.
All right?
All right?
And then, all right.
I know all you fucking Americans are fast-forwarding through this because you
don't give a shit, do you?
Um, April 29th.
I'm going to be in Reykjavik, Iceland.
All right?
Which is going to be my next little vacation.
I'm going to go there a few days early, take my wife.
Um, Copenhagen, Denmark on the 30th.
Then Stockholm, Sweden.
I've been there for fucking ever.
On the 1st of May.
Helsinki on the 2nd.
Oslo, Norway.
I mean, those are the first ones when I was going overseas.
Stockholm, Helsinki, Oslo.
I love those places.
And then, uh, Amsterdam.
Was that my first?
Maybe that was my first one.
Not Amsterdam.
I went to Rotterdam.
And I also did the Kilkenny Ireland Festival.
Those are my first two international dates.
So, there you go.
And, uh, and then later on that year, I'm going to do a whole fucking run
through, uh, Australia.
So, next year, I'm going to be all fucking international Billy.
All right.
With that, let's get back.
Let's, let's talk, let's talk about, I don't know what I want to talk about,
man, other than fucking staycation's fucking rule.
Uh, let's talk about the Ohio State fucking Buckeyes.
All right.
Can somebody explain to me how the fuck those guys are always in the playoff
talk?
It, it just blows my fucking mind.
How are you ranked 10th in the country and you're still going to be one of the
top four fucking teams?
How come college football cannot get that fucking right?
I don't get how you can let up fifth, over 50 fucking points to the goddamn
Maryland Terrapins.
You got a football team, their fucking mascot is a turtle.
Fucking drops 50 fucking points on you.
They're just, they're always in it.
I don't, I don't get it.
That fucking year two when they had the same record as Penn State and Penn
State beat them head to head.
And Penn State stays home and Ohio State goes.
I don't know what the fuck, what they have on the, the board there.
But once again, once again, and you know something?
I used to like Ohio State, but now to me, they're becoming like the Alabama of
the fucking North.
And now I'm just fucking rooting against them.
They, they get all these fucking calls.
It's, it's, it's fucking ridiculous.
Um, so Michigan, Ohio State is going to be the motherfucking game next week.
I cannot wait for this game.
I don't really hate Ohio State, but I just, you know, that, that always bugged
me that Penn State didn't fucking get in.
You know, it's hard because I love Jason Lawhead and he's an Ohio State fan.
So that, that, that, that's the one thing that prevents me from fucking hating
on Ohio State.
But, you know, even Ohio State Buckeye fans, you got to admit, I mean, what the
fuck?
There's, there's something going on.
You're not going to admit it.
You know, it takes a, it takes a huge fucking sports fan to look at his team
and be like, oh, you know what?
Well, yeah, yeah, yeah, that, that was probably wrong there.
Um, it's not like I fucking do that, right?
I fucking stick up for all my teams.
I'm a hypocrite.
What do you want from me?
I'm the typical fucking guy.
Anyways, Michigan, Ohio State.
This is going to be the fourth time Jim Harbaugh is going to go into Columbus
or staying at home, whatever.
He's going into Columbus this weekend and he's got to go in.
He has to fucking get it done.
He doesn't have to get it done because there's no better head coach out there.
So I think he'll be fine.
But Michigan is fucking due.
All right.
And I actually think that the, that Ohio, the fact that Ohio State let up 50