Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 11-22-18
Uploaded: 2018-11-26T17:56:14.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 11-22-18' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-11-26. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 11-22-18' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-11-26. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 11-22-18

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon,
just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you.
Oh, Jesus, that took a lot of energy right there. You're probably like, Bill,
jeez, you sounded so fucking old the past couple of weeks, kid. What happened?
I'll tell you what happened. Old Freckles is off the road.
Yes, the old fucking cunt. He ain't what he used to be. Ain't what he used to
be. Ain't going to LAX. I love it. I ain't doing fucking shit, so don't fucking
call me.
I'll tell you what, if I had the fuck, if we weren't in a never-ending 17
fucking wars right now, and they weren't fucking taking such a giant fucking, I
literally give these cunts more than I make, and I did the fucking job.
Huh? Uncle Sam going on stage telling any fucking jokes? Huh? He's like a
fucking character comic. That's what he would be. This big, stupid fucking hack,
you know? Going up there. Looks like he's on a fucking unicycle.
Oh, I want you. Eh, I want you to go fuck yourself. How about that, Sammy? How
about I get to keep just a little, just how about a cunt hair more?
Sorry. Anyways, what am I thankful for this weekend?
I'll tell you right now, dude, if there was a fucking way that I could figure
out, if I could figure out how to get off the fucking hamster wheel, you know?
Because the deal is, it's like, you keep running, or we're just going to tax
the shit out of you.
You want to put your fucking money on the crap table? We'll give you a little
break.
You know, but if you, like, the second you start slowing down, you know, the
government's just like, wait, does this motherfucker think he's going to retire?
He's just going to coast?
You're going to get in that fucking car when you're going to work, you fucking
piece of shit.
And you're going to fucking work, and then we're going to take more than you
fucking make, eh?
You fucking like that?
Hey, smarten up. That's what they should do.
Just come in like that fucking guy there in Casino.
Smarten up.
Everybody take your head, and I stick it through that fucking hole.
That's basically their vibe.
So anyways, I figured out how to retire.
I saw it today, and I was walking out of the grocery store.
So this guy had a Ford F-150 with the camper on the back, and I'm like, that's
it right there.
They'll let you do that.
All right, you don't want to work?
Then you got to live like that, all right, you cunt?
And we're still going to give you tickets, and eventually we're going to tow
your house away.
Hey, if you were in that situation, if they show up, can you take the camper
off the back, and then they just take the truck?
You know you probably couldn't.
Well, you can't keep your camper right here.
You're going to have to move that.
And you fucking, you're getting underneath it, like those old school guys that
put the refrigerators on their back, and you got to fucking start traipsing
down the street.
You know?
And you set it up, and then some douche with a house like me is just like, have
you seen the guy down the street with the camper?
I don't want that in my neighborhood.
Anyways, what I'm trying to say is I really enjoy time off.
I've been having a great time just hanging with my daughter.
Hanging with my wife.
Threw down yesterday, you know?
All the relatives came over.
Everybody fucking ate.
But old freckles, I didn't go too hard.
Didn't go too hard.
I stayed away from the desserts.
You know?
I, uh, I did pretty good.
Then this morning I woke up, I had my little parfait, butter, right?
I had the fucking, uh, you know, little bit of Greek yogurt with the fruit in
there.
Like the big fruitcake that I am.
And then I had a, uh, little hummus wrap for lunch.
In between them having fruit with nuts.
You know?
These holidays ain't getting me this year.
Finally figured it out after 50 fucking holidays.
Finally figured it out.
Ah, this is the problem.
I gotta go easy.
I gotta go easy this Thanksgiving weekend, all right?
I had my Thanksgiving dinner.
I had it, you know, around three in the afternoon.
I was halfway through the plate and I was already leaning.
Oh, it was good.
Oh, it was delicious.
And, um, you know, when you put your plate together.
I'm not, I hate those fucking people.
It's like, I can't have my food touch other food.
You know?
The only thing worse than the person saying that is the fucking meathead across
the table.
Why?
It's just all gonna be mixed up in your stomach.
Right?
Both of those people should get in a car and drive off a cliff.
No, come on, Bill.
You should give thanks for both of them.
Anyways, I don't give a fuck about that.
But I will say this, when you put together your Thanksgiving plate.
This is how it has to, this is how I do it.
All right?
About four o'clock, you got your turkey.
Okay?
Three o'clock, you got your potatoes.
That way you can put the gravy on both.
All right?
And then at five o'clock, you know, you want your, uh, let me move those all up
an hour.
I'd say five o'clock's the turkey.
Four o'clock is the mashed potatoes.
Six o'clock is your cranberry sauce.
You know?
Gives it a little nice little sweet kick with the gravy and the turkey.
Get your potatoes in there.
It's good.
The fucking vegetable, you know, that somebody made that you just try to make
them feel good.
You know?
Yeah, that shit all goes up around 12 noon.
That shit that you're gonna be like, fuck, I still got two more mouthfuls of
that.
All of that shit's up top.
That casserole thing that your fucking aunt makes.
You know?
Make sure you get some casserole.
You're sitting there with your fucking itchy sweater, right?
Then, uh, what do I got?
What else is left?
Then you get whatever's, like, the sweet shit.
I keep around, you know, that's around 11 o'clock.
Somebody made some yams or something like that.
Sweet potatoes or some bullshit like that.
You put that up there.
Then you got your bread somewhere around 8.30, 9 o'clock.
You know what I mean?
And then right in the middle, I don't know what else.
That's some other fucking thing.
You just stick right in the middle.
Ugh.
And then you just, you just, you eat it like the way you tune a snare drum.
Any drummers out there, if you know the, the, whatever, there's a million
different patterns.
But that's basically the way you do it.
Um, and I want to just take some time here to say how bad I feel for people who
don't live in the United States of America.
So you don't have this holiday where you can sit down and eat way more than
your fucking chair.
Um, oh, it's great.
Thanksgiving's fucking awesome.
And cause you know why?
Cause then you got the Friday off to just lay around, you know, with your belly
poking out of the bottom of your fucking sweater that you passed out in.
You know?
Um, I actually, you know, I actually, uh, was, had to like, I'm one of these
lunatics.
So I'm just like, I try to like make sure everything fucking gets on the table.
It's all hot.
It's all ready to go.
I finally realized this year, it's just like, there's just too many fucking
people cooking.
It's just going to come the way it goes or whatever.
And then I realized anything that needs to be hot, you just put gravy on it.
It's going to fucking heat it up again.
And it was probably the best Thanksgiving I've had in years.
But what's great is the Friday after the Friday after like today, you don't
have to go to work.
Hopefully, you know, you get to lounge around, you know, bleary eyed from
whatever the fuck you did the night before.
And then tomorrow you got all the college football games.
What do we got?
What do we got tomorrow?
Come on, people.
You got Michigan, Ohio State to kick off today.
You got Alabama versus Auburn, which probably not gonna be a good game this
year.
But you know, who knows if Auburn wins that.
I mean, Jesus Christ, they'd be going fucking nuts.
I mean, tomorrow is the day.
You're not a man tomorrow unless you're ignoring your family.
Okay, that's the level of football.
That's all I'm kidding.
But I got my kid.
You heard my kiddo.
She says it now.
She goes, football, football.
Now she wants it to be on the TV.
I'm fucking, I'm steering her away from, she always wants to see Minnie Mouse.
She goes, Mimi Mao, Mimi Mao.
Sounds like she's in, uh, Mimi Mao, Mimi Mao.
Like, what's that, what's that, the deer hunter.
Mao, Mao, right?
Mimi Mao, Mimi Mao.
No, Minnie Mouse went to sleep.
Mimi Mao.
Um, have I lost my mind?
What the fuck am I talking about?
I don't know.
I have no idea.
How much time have I done?
Eight minutes and 45 seconds.
Jesus Christ.
Some days, you know, this podcast flies by, and then other days, feels like I
did eight
hours and 45 minutes.
Um, yeah, Michigan, Ohio State.
Michigan, they gotta get it done.
I can't believe this is already the fifth fucking time they've played Ohio
State with Jim Harbaugh.
Unless I'm wrong.
I have no idea.
Um, but it's gonna be a great game.
I like Big Ten football.
You know, it's old school football.
You know, they actually run the fucking ball.
I gotta tell you, that shit, and I don't want to be a grumpy old man here.
Um, that fucking game Monday night, Kansas City versus the Rams, the amount of
people that
were freaking out, that was the most unbelievable game I've ever seen.
That game was a shit show.
That game reminded me of the Super Bowl last year.
And I think that that's basically the direction NFL football is going in, where
there's just
going to be no fucking defense.
And my favorite thing about me saying there's no defense, that people are, oh,
excuse me,
there was three defensive scores.
Um, yeah, that's just like, that's just like last year.
Last year in the Super Bowl.
Oh, excuse me.
There was a fumble that won the fucking game.
It's like, the fucking Rams gave up almost 500 yards fucking passing.
There was almost a, in six touchdowns, the guy threw for six touchdowns in
fucking 500 fucking
yards, basically.
There was a total of like 10 passing touchdowns.
It was over almost a thousand yards.
I think they went over a thousand yards combined.
It was a fucking joke.
And then everybody's saying to me, like, oh, Bill, you know what you're talking
about?
You're just worried about your Patriots, which is hilarious.
My Patriots have been thriving during this era.
We haven't had a fucking defense since 2004.
A lights out, win the game, 20 to 17 defense.
We haven't.
We've had to fucking score like 35 fucking points to win a goddamn game since
forever.
Um, I'm just saying, like, if you're going to sit there and act like this is
just me,
dude, Richard Sherman was tweeting about it.
Another guy on the, uh, uh, fucking Texans.
And even Teddy Bruschi.
Actually, I actually saved his.
I did a screenshot of what he, he basically said the way the game is now.
Richard Sherman was like, all they, all they want to see is points.
Because what that does is that gets the casual fan and the people that don't
understand football
who said, don't, it's fucking unbelievable.
I mean, that's what, to be honest with you, if, if soccer ever wanted to make
it into America,
they should be doing what the NFL has done to their game, which is just, I don't
know what.
They just took, think about it.
Every era, right?
There's been a Jack Lambert.
Then there was, there was L. Lawrence Taylor.
I'm just picking some of the guys I can, I can, off the top of my head.
A Ray Lewis, you know, Ronnie Lotz, Mike Haynes, Lester Hayes, fucking lunatic,
you know,
Andre Tippett's just lights out, Bruce Smith's, like, where are those guys now?
There's like maybe three of them and they're not putting up the fucking stats
those guys used to put up.
You know, they just, I don't know, they used to, Rivas Island, they're just not
that guy anymore.
They can't, they can't, like, those guys wouldn't be that guy today.
All right, Bill, shut the fuck up.
No, but I'm just, I'm just fucking saying.
All right.
All right, here's Teddy Bruschi.
Welcome to the new NFL when it comes to defensive football.
Former linebacker Teddy Bruschi wrote on 