Name: Monday Morning Podcast 12-3-18
Uploaded: 2018-12-03T18:38:26.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 12-3-18' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-12-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 12-3-18' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2018-12-03. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 12-3-18

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday, December 3rd, 2018.
What's going on? How are you? How are you doing?
Oh, I hope you're doing better than I'm doing.
Jesus Christ, I'm in New York City right now. I don't think I've ever been lonelier
in my fucking life.
Good Lord, it's just like, you know, I don't know anybody in this city anymore.
I used to fucking know everybody. I don't fucking know anybody.
I'm looking for a familiar face. It's crazy. I'll tell you, this city, when you're
50 versus when you're 25, is completely different.
So if there's anybody in their 20s living in New York, and I know you got a
shitty fucking living situation like most people, but that's your time, dude.
It's your city. So fucking enjoy it. Jesus Christ.
First of all, it's December 3rd, and I'm like, oh, Christmas in New York is
exciting.
You know, I love the holidays and shit, you know, and I come here, and it's
fucking, it's colder in L.A. than it is in New York.
I don't, you know, this whole new fucking post-Me Too era weather.
You know, I'm going to blame the Me Too movement on global warming.
That's my next fucking brilliant move in my career.
So I went down, I did a set tonight at the cellar. I did see Gary Goleman. I
was like, oh, my God, somebody I know.
And I went up, I had a good time, and then I left, and I'm walking in the rain
by myself, thinking of like when I used to walk up that 6th Avenue.
I used to walk up with fucking, you know, fucking Bobby Kelly and all of those
guys way back in the day.
And I'm just fucking like, Jesus Christ, where the fuck did the time go?
And then I was like, oh, my God, now I'm getting depressed.
I can't do this.
So, you know, I called my wife, you know, I FaceTimed with my kid, and that was
all good.
And then I got in a cab, and I'm just like, I'm not going to fucking, I'm not
going to, you know, what is it?
Whatever, you know, you have like a fucking sad thought, and then you fucking
just cling to it.
It's like, I'm not fucking doing that.
I'm going to get myself in a better goddamn mood.
So I came home, I watched a little bit of football, and then I watched the end
of the fucking Steelers and the Chargers.
We got the Chargers, the Steelers, the Sharks, and more.
Anybody in Boston remember that, MVP Sports, when they had the fucking employee
do the commercial?
Come on down to MVP Sports.
We got all the jerseys.
We got the Sharks, the Steelers, the Chargers, and more.
I watched that game, and right as I go to shut it off, it's that fucking infuriating
slash depressing fucking commercial,
where it's the dad with his daughter, you know, and she's getting older, and he
has his favorite fucking song,
which is the most depressing thing ever.
It's a song of regret.
I wish that I knew what I knew then when I was younger.
Whatever, now, what I know now, whatever the fuck, I'm like fucking mentally
dyslexic,
so I don't know how the exact thing fucking goes.
And then in the end, she fucking goes away, right?
So that's the whole song of fucking regret, you know what I mean?
Like, oh, I'm looking back.
Jesus Christ, I wish I fucking, you know, I don't need to hear that.
That's the soundtrack of my whole fucking walk home, you know?
And I'm sitting here, and that stupid commercial comes on,
and as if that commercial isn't depressing enough, especially on a Sunday night.
They should not be allowed to play that song on a fucking Sunday night
when someone's sitting there in their fucking loneliness about ready to start
another work week.
I wish that I knew what I knew then.
Now what?
I wish I knew what I wish that I knew what I know now.
That's it.
When I was younger, whatever the fucking song is.
Then the end of the goddamn commercial is the daughter's all grown up now.
The guy takes her to college.
He's fucking heartbroken.
And then she goes into her dorm room, and he's got one of those fucking things,
you know,
you know, hey, cunty, play that song me and my dad like.
And it's sitting over in the corner just listening to her.
I don't like that.
I don't like how they're fucking sitting there.
They're trying to make all of this shit bugging your own house,
hanging out with a robot and taking a picture with it in those sprint
commercials,
making us all seem like, yeah, hey, this is all like a great, fun fucking time.
Or maybe I'm just lonely, and I'm looking through it like,
you know what I'm doing is I'm not fucking drinking either.
And I swear to God, if I was drinking right now,
I would go to a bar by myself, and that's how you do it.
That's the most healthiest way I ever figured out how to combat loneliness on
the road,
is to go out, drink alone, get shit-faced, and then come home and pass out.
And then you don't come home sober to an empty room.
But I feel like when I'm podcasting, I have all of you here with me.
I feel like for me, podcasting is like giving a part of the world a hug.
What did you guys do if I really legit, like I fell off a bike or something,
and that was the result of my head injury.
And I started talking like that, and I started wearing, you know those fucking,
you know those fragile chicks who wear those sweaters that go over their hands,
and they're always picking up like a cup of coffee because they're always cold,
and they have to hold it with both hands because they're fucking so weak.
If I became that person.
Well, Bill, it's simple.
We would listen for a few weeks, and then we'd be like,
all right, this sucks now, and then we wouldn't listen.
Hey, what happened over in England with the London Derby,
which I thought was like a fucking horse race.
This team that I'd never even heard of, I guess was up 2-1 against Arsenal.
Arsenal? Arsenal.
1-0 Arsenal, right?
They were fucking up on them, and then they somehow, they were up 2-1.
Somehow they lost 4-2.
Everybody was losing their fucking minds.
Pictures look incredible.
I wish I watched the game.
Having said that, knowing nothing about the Premier League,
you know, if you just look at both their uniforms,
you know who you're putting the money on.
You know, one of them looks like a professional uniform.
The other, the people who lost, that looked like a kid drew it.
Anyways.
So, I just sat around all day.
Fucking, I don't know, what, watching football and shit?
I watched the Giants.
Very entertaining game against some other team that I can't remember
because I'm fucking old.
The hell were they playing?
It's fucking unbelievable.
I watched the whole game.
I don't, well, I was also cleaning the fucking kitchen.
I don't know.
It was an exciting game, whatever they fucking played.
I will say this, that Saquon Barkley,
it's good that they're telling him not to run so wide open
because he's kind of doing a little Earl Campbell shit
where it's like, you don't need to take that much punishment
on every play, especially when you're on a bad team.
That would be a shame if they finally, you know, became good
and then that guy was all banged up.
Fucking leaping over guys and shit.
It's amazing to watch.
You know?
Then I watched the Patriots versus the Vikings.
I was watching, uh, who the fuck is that guy?
Uh, number 19 on the Vikings.
Uh, phenomenal player.
I wish he played in our team.
But on that fourth and short,
when Belichick threw the challenge flag or whatever
and he's talking to the refs
and somehow that wide receiver got involved.
You know what I mean?
To the point you literally see fucking Bill Belichick.
That guy, I got to commend number 19 on the Vikings.
He actually got an emotional response out of Belichick.
Belichick's going, he goes, shut the fuck up.
Shut the fuck up.
He said it twice.
And you know what?
I don't know what was said in defense at number 19,
but, you know, just sitting at home.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Shut the fuck up.
You weren't even in the play.
I can see if the running back said something.
You didn't touch the ball.
You barely blocked on the play.
What the fuck are you jumping in for?
Um, anyways, but, uh, the Chiefs won again.
So as much as the Patriots are winning,
the Patriots, what they're doing this year is, is amazing.
Cause we, we lost two of our top receivers.
We lost our left tackle.
We lost a running back and we lost one of our top cornerbacks.
So this is like a fucking, you know,
I feel like the last rebuild in the Brady Belichick era.
Hopefully we'll get under the wire again,
but, um, I do not feel good about playing the Chiefs again
in Kansas city come playoff time, but, uh,
they are the fucking Chiefs.
So until they get over the fucking hump, but, um, I don't know.
We shall see.
We should definitely see.
And I just watched the end of the Chargers Steelers game.
The Chargers, the quietest nine and three in the NFL.
Nobody's talking about them.
You know what I mean?
Cause, cause there's fucking the Rams are doing so well, right?
They're like Eddie Van Halen, the Rams and Alex Van Halen.
Meanwhile, I was killing it right behind him.
And nobody seems to be noticing except for Charger fans, right?
With Alex Van Halen.
It was only seem like other drummers.
Like, is it me?
Is this guy fucking unbelievable and in his own right, uh, kind of, uh, on
Eddie's level.
Anybody else, you know, maybe he's a couple of fucking games behind.
I actually, you know, something I was getting ready to do the podcast and I saw,
um, I went
to NFL.com so I could see a couple of stats so I wouldn't sound even dumber
than usual.
And I saw there was five minutes left and the Steelers were down by seven.
I was just like, all right, well, they got big Ben.
They're definitely coming back and you're not allowed to play defense in the
NFL.
So why don't I watch this video game here?
It's of course the Steelers go right fucking down and bing, bang, boom.
They fucking score.
And, you know, you're not allowed to play defense and there's a, you know,
there's a good minute
50 left and then the fucking charges right down the fucking field.
You know, it's not, are they going to score?
It's, are they going to get a touchdown or a field goal?
Um, I've never seen a game end as far as like, uh, offsides three times in the
defense.
I love that guy.
Number 25.
He's like, fuck you.
I don't give a shit.
Keep calling a penalty.
I thought it was kind of brilliant that he just kept doing that because he knew
he had
to make a play.
And then what if, what if the last, what if on that last one, he jumped past
the ball?
What if he actually blocked it?
They called him offsides again.
And then the next time he didn't jump offsides and then the dude fucking misses
it.
Then it makes sense.
I know I didn't explain that correctly, but I think, I think it made sense.
Whatever.
I'm just a fucking lonely guy.
But, uh, tomorrow night I'll be at Gotham and, um, I've got a bunch of my
buddies down there.
So we'll be hanging out.
But, uh, Jesus Christ.
Jesus Christ.
A lone stone sober in New York City is, is not, you know, that's not what Frank
was singing
about when he sang about New York.
You know, my kind of town, New York City is, um, anyways, uh, rest in peace.
41st president of the United States, George Herbert Walker Bush.
You know, I was amazed at the amount of people that like fucking, I wasn't
amazed, but I wanted
to see it.
People being, like, guy's a war criminal, right?
Somebody said that, right?
And then somebody else goes, show a little respect.
The guy's a veteran.
He was on the ground fighting with the troops or something like that.
It's like, you guys are both fucking morons.
He was a pilot.
He wasn't on the ground.
I, here's something for you right now.
Okay.
For all of you, you know, and first of all, in, in a, I don't even know what
they're referring
to because he was a pilot in world war two.
So war crazy talking about in Iraq and Kuwait.
I mean, I don't know what's going on there.
I know Saddam was our draft pick and then he went fucking crazy like a goddamn
NFL wide
receiver.
So we had to cut him, right?
In a military way, I guess.
I don't know.
I don't, I 