Name: Monday Morning Podcast 1-14-19
Uploaded: 2019-01-15T18:04:46.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 1-14-19' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-01-15. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 1-14-19' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-01-15. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 1-14-19

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the monday morning podcast
for monday
january 13th 2018 what's going on how are ya how's it going i know i'm i know i'm
late
i know i'm fucking late like your girlfriend after prom night oh jesus sorry
for the bad joke there's
gonna be a lot of bad jokes on this this is old billy jet lag all right you
know remember buddy
love and fucking the nutty professor you know it was a cooler version of him um
i'm not cool on any
level so it just becomes worse versions of me and today you're going to be
listening to
old billy jet lag it's 5 41 in the morning and i've been up for the last two
hours um
you know i don't know i'm on yeah i'm on i'm back in la i'm going going back
back to billy billy
i'm old american billy again and i'm so glad to be back in a country that likes
donald trump
you know it's about time and i know there's a few hollywood people out here
that are trying to make
it seem like there's a bunch of people out there that don't care for donald
trump and it's just
simply not the case the guy has the highest approval rating of any president
ever he has a higher approval
rating than than dictators where people are afraid to say they don't like him
this is all true stuff
you know what's funny is he will quote this podcast as a as a fact as a fact to
say that shit about
himself um all right i thought i could do my podcast with my mouth guardian i
can't do it hang on a second
hang on a second all right i'm back i know what you guys are thinking like jesus
christ bill you're 50
years old you still have a mouth guard you're still wearing a fucking retainer
huh what are you going
your sophomore semi-formal next week um no i got that invisalign and i'm
actually a uh i listen to
what the dentist says which is you know all these people get invisalign they go
through all the
fucking the pain in the ass shit of having this stuff and then when the second
they're done they
give them the mouth guard and they don't wear it and then their teeth gradually
just become crooked
again not me but it's not me i'm smarter than that i pay for the shit you know
that's like getting your
car fixed and you go on your fucking side swipe a tree why would you do that
you know you may not
have a lot of things in life but if you could have nice straight teeth i that
gets you through a lot of
stuff cops literally show up you know why did you beat that woman i didn't beat
her oh look at his
big shiny teeth hey sweetheart what were you wearing that made him do that that's
what happens
that's how you get out of it um anyways i'm very very uh happy to come back my
oh my god my daughter
gave me like four of the greatest hugs i've ever gotten in my life when i got
home it was awesome
and it's so weird you know when they're that little they hug you but then
immediately you want to go run
and go do something else you know and you're like ah she doesn't even care and
then she kept coming
back hugging me before she'd go run back over to a toy so it was pretty uh it
was pretty awesome
uh we finished the tour strong um i don't even know what the hell last day i
talked to you where
the hell i was i don't know i want to say i was on my way to poland was it warsaw
berlin yeah prague and then vienna and um all of them were just they were
amazing warsaw we went there
and uh i actually talked to verzi verzi has a patreon page as do i and i did a
little quick
half hour podcast with him the only one of the only cunts that we met on this
trip was in warsaw
at our hotel it was a place that kind of looked like a restaurant kind of
looked like a cafe and
we went in there and we were immediately told by the waiter that it was a
chocolate factory he kept
saying that like we were looking we want to get something to eat and they had
all this chocolate
shit there but they also had sandwiches and stuff like that so verse he says to
him he goes like hey
so uh what would you say is your uh what would you recommend what's the best
thing on and he goes
what did he say he said uh chocolate to make it easy if i could if i could sum
it up chocolate
like all right we want some sandwiches is is this a good sandwich he's like
yeah yeah it's good it's
good just being like that right then he just kept having a fucking comment on
everything that we were
gonna do after we ate he goes you want something else you want something else
and i go all right
you know maybe i'll get a hot chocolate or something then he'd be like you sure
you have room
it's like well if you don't think i think i'm too full after what the fuck i
ate why would you ask me
you fucking skinny cunt he was such a fucking cunt he was such a cunt so then i
go up there i said
you know i'll get some hot chocolate he goes well which one we have all kinds
we're a chocolate factory
it's like dude you're not a factory you're not making the chocolate here you
stupid skinny cunt
you know i'm this upset about it was because i kept thinking like oh i'm being
the ugly american
maybe i should be even nicer to this guy and the nicer i was the more of a cunt
he was and then in
the end you know when he was such a cunt verzi got mad verzi never gets mad i'll
get mad at
fucking i don't know that fucking goddamn uh peacock for some reason popped in
my head first
i was trying to think pigeon um oh my god that guy is a temper he got mad at a
peacock
um even verzi was upset by the end and then when i saw him getting upset i
realized how ridiculous
was that i was getting upset i just said paul he works in a chocolate factory
we're gonna go tell jokes in a fucking basketball arena in warsaw
and uh so then we both laughed and we're like all right buddy take it easy you
know and i gotta tell
you though the hot chocolate was the shit they came over with a little trio of
them one of them
one of the hot chocolates was white it's like white chocolate you know which is
which was uh you know
should have been my nickname when i played basketball but i wasn't good so that
kid from sacramento got
it then there was another one was just chocolate chocolate and then it was
coffee chocolate and i
fucking hate coffee so i gave that to paul the white chocolate was fucking
bananas so the guy comes
over and i'm still trying to be friendly and uh i go all the hot chocolate was
delicious and he's like
really and i was like yeah this one here and i put into the white one that was
it was fucking amazing
right i didn't say amazing fucking amazing i said it was amazing and he goes oh
he must have a sweet
tooth i was like okay all right you know he was like so skinny you could have
beaten him with his own
body you know what i mean he was like he was like like a nightstick with a
fucking head um it is a
chocolate fact oh then first he went up to after his because he had you know a
burger or whatever the
fuck he has so can i just get a piece of chocolate and the guy's like yes you
just want one you're gonna
eat it so fast and first he's like i just want one
you know you know they all over there they have from world war ii they have
like the you know the
butcher of baghdad or some shit like that which is the middle east you know we
were joking he was
the cunt of warsaw but as cunty as he was and as frustrated as i was that i
couldn't find a little
polish flag you know that's what i do when i go on the road i find those you
know those things that
back in the day people would sew into like a jacket i'm not doing that i'm
gonna frame them
um i gotta have some sort of framework and open and close it where you know
because it's a work in
progress where i'm gonna go and i just want to keep adding to it and uh i
couldn't get the polish
flag because i took a picture of the collage of them and put it on instagram a
lot of people gave me
shit because i didn't have the polish flag or the german flag i already have a
german flag i'd already
been to cologne before that's why i didn't have that and i didn't have the
polish flag because
i simply could not find a place a souvenir place in the time allotted i went
down into the subway the
underground and um they literally had a polish flag and they had magnets and
shit but they didn't have
the other one so i'm just going to order one off the internet today today today
today today um so anyways
then we went out and did the show and it was in like this basketball arena and
it was it was it was
fucking unbelievable the tour was great but somewhat when it somewhere in latvia
and then budapest it
just went to another level um and then the rest of the tour i i you know i was
in budapest on stage
going like i think i would shoot a special here and when i went to uh warsaw we
were in this little
basketball arena type thing um and they had a stool and this you know the seat
was all
fucked up and i just started making fun of it going come on warsaw come on you
can do better than that
they had a great sense of humor about themselves i just you know i don't know
it was just one of
those things i riffed on the stool and just just went from there then i went to
berlin did a little
shopping for the ladies in my life you know try to find them some sneakers and
shit and it was
incredible you went there and they had like this whole it was sort of like the
sack like the fifth
avenue of berlin and in the middle of all that i should post the picture they
had um this beautiful
church that was built before the time of world war ii and it was all bombed out
like one of the spires
was busted off the top of it and there was like bullet holes and everything in
it and they kept it
turned it into a store or something like that but it was a reminder of world
war ii and right next
it was this ultra modern building that they were making it was really uh really
interesting and uh
i would like to go back there again soon and the next time i do germany and i
go into warsaw as i
mentioned before that i never wanted to go to house switch or anything like
that but now
i kind of went down this rabbit hole and i was looking up all of that stuff and
as much as you
don't want to go there to see that level of fucking evil it's kind of a good
thing to be reminded
that you know an entire nation of people can be talked into some shit like that
um
another thing that blew my mind was when we were in nuremberg
um and i don't still want to make germany this is all that it is because the
food was
fucking great the people were great but uh there is that fascination so they
have a field there zeppelin
field i believe it's called and it's not led zeppelin like literally the guy
who invented the zeppelin i
think landed there and that's where they had those giant nazi fucking rallies
um way back in the day and
that place still exists they've taken down all the pillars but you can just
walk in there and literally
stand where hitler and all those fucking lunatics stood and um i don't know i
don't know what the
it is over there i mean one is like the beaches of normandy you just go there
it's just a beach
but it's a really like fucking emotional thing when you go there like jesus
christ and then you see like
what was stopped how great that is but now you see where the that we've ended
up
and it's just really uh you know human beings we're we're uh you know we're
kind of like at the jaguar
in the in the uh the jaguar however you say it a mid-80s jaguar you know it's a
great car
you know it's beautiful and all of that but it breaks down all the time it
always needs to be fixed
um and when i was teasing them over in germany about that shit i was quick to
tell them that
we've my country has done everything that you guys have done we just fucking
it just wasn't filmed you know what i'm saying which is weird because i go when
i go over to
germany and shit i was talking about this how i sit there and think like oh my
god this is like
you know hitler gave a speech here and there was a concentration camp over
there but when you know
i'm down south i don't think when i'm at a waffle house that maybe this used to
be