Name: Bill Burr - The Sauna Story from the Monday Morning Podcast
Uploaded: 2019-01-18T19:39:36.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - The Sauna Story from the Monday Morning Podcast' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-01-18. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr - The Sauna Story from the Monday Morning Podcast' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-01-18. Transcript available.

um i took a sauna when i was in uh germany and evidently they i heard that they
were
naked they go into those saunas naked and it's co-ed so i asked ferzi if he
wanted to go down
to the sauna he said yes and then i text him he must have fell asleep so i said
fuck it i went
down i worked out got a great workout in and then i went to go into the sauna
and there was nobody
in there and the old me i like the steam now i really like the dry sauna
because it can get way
hotter you know joe rogan converted me right so i go in there and i went in
there like an american i
had my slippers on i had my towel on and all of that shit and then all of a
sudden this dude comes
walking and he has a towel on i'm like oh thank god thank god it's berlin okay
it's berlin okay this
is like their new york city so everybody's gonna act accordingly and then he
just immediately takes
his towel off and i'm like what the fuck so then he lays and then lays down and
what he did was he put
his outside leg the leg close to me he put it up so he was sort of covering his
junk slashed look like
he was getting ready to do recreate the burt reynolds playgirl centerfold right
so anyways
and i know this is going to be the fucking photoshop so i'm sitting there like
yeah what the fuck all
right whatever one naked dude who gives a shit right and then all of a sudden
another guy comes in this
guy comes in he doesn't have his towel on he's just holding his towel in front
of his junk then he goes
in like it was shaped like a horseshoe you know like the old fucking uh denver
bronco stadium back in
the day so i'm on one side of the horseshoe i'm on like the visitor's side the
first naked dude is on
the fucking home side and then this naked guy comes in and he lays down the
same way same playgirl fucking
thing with the outside leg up he's sitting in the end zone seats all right and
i'm like jesus fucking
christ so now i'm laughing because all i'm thinking is i'm gonna tell verzi
because at this point it's
just naked guys and just naked guys it's just funny i used to do a bit in my
act the naked man is either
funny or scary right if you're at a football game and a naked guy jumps out of
the crowd and runs across
the field you're laughing your ass off if you're walking home late at night the
naked guy jumps out
of the fucking bushes it's one of the scariest things ever so this was just
funny i'm in a gym there's
all kinds of people around or whatever even though it's just the three of us in
there but you know i can
just get up walk out the fucking door there's no danger here there's two naked
guys it's fucking
hilarious so i'm looking down at the floor and all i'm thinking about is i can't
wait to tell
verzi this fucking story they're both laying here like fucking twin burt reynolds
and i'm sitting
here with my slippers on and my towel you know i don't know so anyways and then
all of a sudden the
door opens again and now a woman comes walking in and i'm looking i kind of
look at the guys like
are they going to cover themselves up and they don't and then she comes in and
just takes her
fucking towel off i'm just like what the fuck and then she sits down in the end
zone seats
all right so above her in the upper deck is this naked guy to her left is the
other naked guy
she's naked and now she looks over at me and i got a towel on and slippers so
now i'm looking like the
weirdo now i'm the fucking pervert like look at this fucking guy we're all
getting naked why are you
sitting over there right so now i'm like well i gotta get the fuck out of here
and just as i said that the dude in the home seat he stands up and he's going
to walk out and i'm like
all right perfect now he's going to use the shower i'm just going to wait till
he's done with the
shower then i'm going to fucking walk out so that's exactly what happens i walk
out but when i walk out
what i forgot to mention was they had like you know those ice baths that like nfl
players go to get
too um they had something like that but it wasn't ice it was just like uh it
was a tank you climbed up like
six steps and then climbed down into this thing and it was freezing fucking
cold right after the sauna
right and just closes up all your pores it gets rid of all the fucking toxins
and all of that all the
shit washes off of you granted everybody else is using it so it's probably
fucking gross on a
some level i have no idea maybe because it's so cold it kills the shit i don't
know what
so i wanted to use it but there was no way i was going to use it because i had
to get up to the top
of it and take my towel off and be standing up there with my fucking man who
had twisted in the breeze
before i went down into the fucking arctic water but when i came out there was
nobody there
so i was like i gotta i gotta try it so i fucking scampered up the ladder
quickly took my towel off and then went down into it i was like fuck it was
freezing cold
went all the way up to like my neck and wanted to stay there for a minute but
probably only stayed
there for like 15 seconds it was enough for me but plus also i knew other
people were going to come in
i didn't want to come crawling out of there completely naked like fucking jason
alexander
now with my fucking junk all pulled up into me right so the other dudes in the
shower i can hear
him so now i go to get out of this fucking thing i get my towel on and
everything and i feel
fucking amazing to go from that heat to that cold now i'm going to go into the
shower it was fucking amazing
so i get out of the shower now all i want to do is tell verzi the fucking story
and be like dude
even a chick came in this is fucking nuts and i reach into my robe and i can't
find my key to my
locker and like where the fuck is it did i drop it with if and i'm looking all
around and i was and
last time i remembered having it i was holding it in my hand when i was in the
sauna because i didn't
want to leave it in the pocket of my robe for some reason i didn't see like the
band that you could
put it around your wrist i just didn't you know i'm an idiot and i saw i was
just holding on to it
and i suddenly realized that it was still in the fucking sauna so now i have to
go back into the
sauna so i go back in there with my head down with my fucking slippers on and
my towel on and i go back
in there and the naked woman is now laying down sideways facing the door okay
laying down where
i was sitting and i'm like i can't go over there with my towel on being like
hey i'm just looking for
my keys all right there sweetheart i felt like a fucking weirdo so now i sat
down she's sitting on the
fucking visitor side now i'm on the home side or whatever i might have fucked
up these things you
know what i mean i'm sitting on the opposite side that i was sitting on and now
i'm just sitting there
going all right well she was she's been in here for like 10 minutes she's gonna
leave soon and when
she does i'm gonna look for my keys and she just won't leave she won't leave
and then finally i just
have to get up because i'm dying because this is my second trip in that fine
when i say i'm sorry i
think i left my key over here and she's like oh i didn't see it and she's like
sitting up like
naked right so now i go back over and i just sit down and no i fucked up the
story i'm sitting down
there going what the do i do now because i'm dying of heat and then all of a
sudden this couple comes
walking in and then they both get naked so now there's two naked women a naked
dude and then me all
covered up and at this point now i feel like a weirdo so i'm like well it i'm
in germany so now
i take my towel off and i'm just sitting there cracking up laughing like you
know that you when
you just look down and you just you know what it's like i'm gonna laugh my ass
off but nobody's gonna
know so you don't make a sound and you don't change your face you just have
your mouth open and you're
just kind of going like i was literally doing that while i was so hot i could
feel my heartbeat
in my ears so at some point it just got so hot and she wasn't leaving and she
was like a pro
so i finally just got up and i just sort of had my towel cover myself i go i'm
sorry i think i left
my cue over and she goes oh i did not see it the blah blah blah and i go all
right so then i went back
and i sat down that's what i did that's right i sat down and then she got up
and i was like still
i go like it's got to be underneath her or something so i waited for her to
leave i toughed it out
and then i walk over there and i'm feeling around on the fucking seats and shit
and it's just not there
and they have the slats and i'm like it probably fell down in between it now i'm
gonna have to walk
out with just my towel and robe on go back to the front desk pay the fee and
all of this shit so now i
walk out of the sauna i'm fucking almost passing out and to my left and my
peripheral i see that woman
again naked at the top of the fucking ladder to go into the ice bath i'm like jesus
fucking christ i gotta get out of here right and as i'm walking away you know i
i hear her yelling over
to somebody and i'm like i know she's not talking to me and then she just goes
then she switches to
english and she goes did you find your key and i kind of half turned but didn't
look at her and i go
no no i didn't and then she goes is this it and i realized i that's where i
left it when i scampered
up the ladder to go there i left it at the top of the iceberg i go oh yeah it
is and then she stays
at the top of the ladder and just you know kind of hands it and i walk over and
literally her vagina
is above me and i kind of reach up like looking but not looking i just go donkashane
and i was so fucked up i didn't even take a shower i just walked out and i went
to the locker room and
i went in there and i was like pouring sweat and everyone was looking at me
like
why didn't he shower off he's all red like the tomato um anyways and then i
just i i put my
shit back on and that there you go that's my german sauna story but i have i
gotta i i do have to tell
you this though uh if you're completely naked in a sauna it's even better it is
even better it's
fucking weird but you only can do it in a place if everybody's naked then it
isn't weird it isn't weird
and uh if you're worried that you're gonna get as stiffy because there's a
naked woman in there there's
also other naked men in there so it neutralizes it not to mention it's hot as
shit like i don't think
anybody has ever fucked in one of those hot naked um you know the not naked the
hot yoga class
what do they call that the bikram yoga like you can barely survive the
fucking somebody is the last thing on your mind when you're sitting in like 180
degree heat
but uh anyways there's my um that was my sauna story it was hilarious i was
worried that my junk
was going to look too small when i got out of the ice bath and i was worried
that i was going to
fucking salute the germans when i was in the sauna if i i would you know if a
naked woman walked in
but it didn't i just felt like a fucking creep um so anyways and that's why you
travel the world everybody
to get stories like that
Thank you.