Name: Monday Morning Podcast 2-4-19
Uploaded: 2019-02-05T17:47:05.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 2-4-19' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-02-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 2-4-19' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-02-05. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 2-4-19

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast
for Monday, February 4th, 2019.
What's going on? How are you? Oh, am I in a good mood?
Sorry for the late podcast. I'm still wrapping up acting on General Hospital.
And what, well, I'll tell you, what a nice day off I had yesterday.
What'd you guys do yesterday, huh? Did you sit around? Did you watch the Bowl
of Super?
Patriots win again. Unbelievable. I absolutely love the game.
Even if we lost that game, I would have loved it as far as just the defensive
battle.
It was a punter's clinic, a punter's duel.
But a lot of people didn't like the game. Like, oh, it's boring.
You know, they like those 50 to 48 games. I don't like those games.
I love the Rams front four. I love their defense, their coach, their whole team.
I just think they're going to get there soon.
And I cannot believe that the Patriots won again.
And I don't know what. And people go, aren't you getting sick of it?
No, I'm not. It's fucking awesome.
I love it. I hope they win it again next year.
The same way you would if you were in my position. I don't give a shit.
And, you know, I'm so happy as a sports fan and satisfied as a sports fan.
I was talking to a Canadians fan.
Go, well, they were like, oh, I'm not going to bring up all the Stanley Cups
that we've won.
And I'm like, I don't think I God bless you.
I'm glad you got him. I don't give a fuck.
I don't.
Maybe the Lakers are the only ones that bug me just because they count one
championship that isn't a championship.
Other than I so hate that Bill Simmons let me know about that because it was
another stupid thing for me to fixate on.
But anyways, Gronk with a big catch.
Edelman, the MVP.
Our defense played unbelievable.
Obviously, it helped that Todd Gurley was hurt.
And then the game kind of got put on Goff's shoulders.
And we were able to, I don't know, I don't know, disrupt it enough.
But we definitely got lucky.
I thought the officiating overall was good.
A couple of ticky-tack calls on both sides.
A couple of shit calls on both.
A couple of non-calls.
Un-fucking-believable.
But I don't know what else to say other than I hope this keeps happening.
Sorry.
Other than that, if my team isn't in it, then I always root for, you know, I
don't know, Kansas City or the Browns if somebody hasn't won it in fucking
forever or ever.
So that's it.
I had a Super Bowl party.
Yesterday, I got on the grill, just made some burgers and dogs.
We smoked a cigar.
And I did what I always do is we taped the Super Bowl, we shut off our phones,
and we let the game be 90 minutes old before we went in.
And we did it perfectly this year because we fast-forwarded through every
single commercial.
We only watched two commercials because I had to go out and go flip a dog, and
I was running the remote.
So they actually watched two commercials.
So they actually watched two commercials.
Blew right through the halftime show.
Didn't see a second of that.
And what's great is the drama of the game stays with you instead of having all
these fucking other people and analysts and all of this shit.
I mean, the game takes, like, what, like four hours to play or something.
I mean, it's already long enough at three.
I don't need another extra hour.
But fortunately, all the things that I missed, all the commercials in the halftime
show, I actually have an expert on the Super Bowl halftime show.
She's not listening because she's looking at her phone.
Nia, I saw the game.
You saw the – how was the halftime show?
It was a mess.
It was?
I mean –
What about Maroon 5 guy where he was out there going –
What about him?
His heart is taking control of me.
Yeah.
I have tattoos.
Yeah.
What about when he took his shirt off?
You ladies didn't all go, like, oh, my God.
No.
No.
No, we did not.
At least I didn't.
You know what?
I used to really – I liked Maroon 5 when they first came out.
It was like, oh, this is some, like, nice, fun, good harmonies, nice music.
You could dance to it.
No, no.
Not about dancing.
But it was just kind of like, oh, this is, like, some pleasant, like, you know,
harmless, like, white boy kind of poppy music, rock stuff.
It's fun.
You know, I don't think you don't get all racial about it.
Jesus Christ.
Well, I mean, I'm just telling you what it is.
So, that's fine.
You don't think he has any flavor?
Well, that's the problem is that, you know, he started to feel himself a little
bit.
And Adam Levine is an incredibly talented young man.
And I wish him all the best.
But I – yeah, it's just – I wasn't really, like, my cup of tea.
Travis Scott was on there, which is like, okay, fine.
I like that song, I guess.
Big Boy was there, so that was cool.
But it's like, if you're not with Andre 3000, like, do we really care?
Jesus.
Yeah, I'm going in.
You're going in.
But I did hear that there is a Dungeon Family tour that's going to be going on
starting in the spring.
So, that's very exciting.
If you're from Atlanta, you know what I'm talking about.
This is the most fucked up podcast I've ever done.
Why?
Because you had no idea what I was talking about.
And I have no – I don't know who any of those people are.
Yeah.
I don't know who Maroon 5 is.
Do you know who Travis Scott is?
He's like a – he's a rapper.
No, Travis Barker.
Do you know who – okay.
Do you know who Big Boy is from Outkast?
Yes.
Right.
So, he performed too.
I'm sorry, Miss Something.
I am for real.
Jackson.
Miss Jackson.
Sorry.
Roses really smell like boo, boo, boo.
What's the one song where the white girls always clap two times?
Hey Ya, right?
Yeah.
Hey Ya.
Yeah.
There's a point where they clap two times and all the white girls are excited
when they
know how to do it and they look at each other like – or three times, whatever
they do.
So, you know, I mean, it was pretty boring to me.
It was pretty uneventful.
I mean, I was –
You should have watched the fucking game.
The game was amazing.
I was kind of.
I was in and out, you know.
Hey, what about the New England – city of Boston, New England and all that?
We've won 12 fucking championships since 2001, Ya.
I mean, that's like getting a facial 12 days out of 18.
What kind of facial?
No, what's nuts is that our four little teams, we have won – in our history,
we've won 38 championships.
And New York, the state of New York, because this is where most of my friends
are and they're always breaking my balls, is they have 10 professional teams.
If you include the Islanders, the Sabres, and the Bills.
And all of those 10 teams combined, they have like, I think, 41.
We're only three behind them.
It's ridiculous.
And, you know, well, I could say thank God we also have the Celtics because I
don't say thank God they have the Yankees, but thank God we have the Celtics to
get our number up there.
But I know this –
Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.
So when does basketball season start?
Next year.
What?
They take a year off.
Every other year they have basketball season.
No.
No, it has to do with the polar vortex.
No.
No, it does.
No.
That's not true.
It's been happening since –
No, they don't take every other year off.
I'm not that fucking clueless about sports that you're going to like make me
think that.
No, now I'm being honest.
Make me think that.
I was saying that the season started in October.
That's not next year.
I know.
It's happening right now.
The season.
What is?
Didn't you say when is basketball?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, well –
It's happening now?
Pro and college.
College starts in November.
Can we go to a Laker game?
No.
Why?
I fucking hate the Lakers.
Oh, Jesus.
I don't hate the Lakers.
I just can't stand their fans.
Can we just go and like –
If I could sit in a section with like some old school Laker fans from the 80s
and they
could talk to me about what it was like to go to the LA Forum and what it was
like back
then when they actually had knowledgeable basketball fans as opposed to that
Staples Center where
it's just one of the worst arenas.
It's just one of the worst arenas where it's like you have the whole downstairs
section for
all the halves and then they have like a three-story of luxury boxes and then
they stick all
the regular people way at the top of their building.
Well, what if they were playing – I don't know.
What if they were playing the Celtics?
Could we go to it then?
I'm not into that.
Are you serious?
You're not going to take me to a Laker game?
Because I like going to the game and enjoying the game.
You go out here and it's just like listening to all of that shit and then if
you wear any
Celtic stuff, just the whole fucking game, all I'm going to be thinking about
is punching
the person behind me.
They're just cunts out here.
It's weird because I used to wear Red Sox shit at the Yankee Stadium and they'd
break
my balls but after a while we'd just be laughing, drinking together and we
would
have a good –
I know.
Out here you get stabbed in the parking lot.
Yeah.
They're just fucking – it's just not –
It's true.
You sure heard when Ice Cube – Ice Cube did the fucking voiceover on like a
30 for
30 for the Raiders.
He sounded like he was like trying to – like he was in fucking – I don't
know what.
In some Steven Seagal movie.
That he was in N.W.A.?
I mean, you know, it's Ice Cube you're talking about.
Yeah, but he was like talking about going to a Raider game.
He's not going to like, you know, do like – in 1980s, like that's not – he's
going to be like, yeah.
No, but it wasn't like that.
It was like –
It's a terrible Ice Cube impression.
But he said – he was like upset.
Like I was listening.
It was like this guy's literally angry talking about going to a fucking game
and they like
– they won championships.
Like I don't get it out here where it goes to that level of like – it's like,
hey, I'm
into this team and then all of a sudden you're like in the middle of like a
blood and crip
fight.
It's just like – we can't set that aside and just go to a fucking – we're
going to a game.
You say that like Boston fans are like – I don't know.
I think all –
You don't die at a Boston game.
You don't.
Philly, they'll do shit to you.
You don't die.
You fucking – people die out here.
It's fucked.
I think all sports fans are crazy, but I mean, I don't know.
Somebody got shot at a preseason Raider 49er game.
I mean, what are we doing here?
Yeah, that's – no, that's terrible.
Of course.
Guy takes his fucking kids to a Dodger game.
He's wearing a Giants jersey.
He gets brain damaged.
These guys stomped him down in front of his kids and the guy died.
That was terrible.
That was terrible.
So what you're saying is we're not going to go to a Laker game just based on
the fact
that it's the Lakers, even if they play the Celtics.
No, you know, look, if you really want to go to that –
Yeah.
I like basketball games.
I think they're fun.
I mean, I go to – Clipper games are more fun, but I'll go to a Laker game.
Laker game is just like – it's like going to like a fucking nightclub.
You'll be out there with their fucking Botox and shit.
It's just – it's weird.
Yeah.
But if you sit up top, it's cool.
I like the Laker fans.
I'm not shitting on all Laker fans.
I'm not shitting on all –
Going to get a lot of tweets after this, BB.
I'm not shitting on all LA fans.
I'm not.
I'm just saying that they're – you know.
You know.
The fact that they had to bring body bags to a parking lot is just –
I'm fucking – I don't know.
Oh, that's terrible.
No, the older I get, the more – it's funny how loud I am and how much I
scream and yell,
but I have this weird thing now.
Like, I don't like watching horror movies.
I know.
When did you become such a little scaredy cat with the horror movie?
No, it's not.
It's the peril.
You don't – Bill doesn't like movies where people are in peril because –
It's annoying.
He feels helpless and he feels, like, that heightened, like, anxiety of a film.
Like, he doesn't like that.
Like, he can't – like, he doesn't feel comfortable.
No, I go to movies to escape that.
I walk around feeling that.
Peril?
Yeah, an