Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3 -7-19
Uploaded: 2019-03-08T17:57:45.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3 -7-19' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-03-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3 -7-19' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-03-08. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3 -7-19

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon,
just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you.
I'm just checking in on you. How are you? How's your week going? My week is
going fan-fucking-tastic, man.
I did my special. I taped it. It is done. It's in the can, as they say in my
business, and now it just needs to be edited.
Some poor bastard's got to look at the footage and try to put that mess
together.
I want to thank everybody that came out to Royal Albert Hall in London, England.
I could not have had a better time.
Just a couple of magical nights out there, and hopefully it'll show up on the
digital recording that we made.
Somehow, that will be conveyed.
So now I have no act, and I was like, you know what, man? I'm just going to
stay away from the comedy clubs.
I'm just going to go live some life. You heard me, all that yoga teacher shit I
was saying.
I'm just going to go live some life, and I'm going to let the next hour come to
me, and I was literally thinking already tonight.
I've been back for fucking 24 hours being like, maybe I'll go down to the club
tonight.
Yeah, just go fuck around.
No, I'm going to learn how to relax, man.
Huh?
Sit down and just fucking eat an avocado, or whatever the fuck it is you people
do that know how to relax.
You guys fascinate me.
You people know how to relax, you know what I mean?
Like you go to a hotel, and you actually put on the robe, right?
You get the slippers on and shit, and then you fucking order room service, and
you're eating like chocolate strawberries from Sherry's Berries, whatever the
fuck it is you do.
You know, you have a spa day.
I know I'm making fun of it, but I am fascinated by that.
I want to be that guy, that guy who knows how to fucking chill, man, because I
don't know how to do it, because this is what I do.
I go, I'm not doing fucking stand-up, and then I go, you know what I'm going to
do?
I'm going to get fucking 20 hours in the air in a helicopter, or I'm going to
go fucking play drums for fucking 30 hours this month.
I just fill the time up, you know?
You fucking people who can just sit on a porch, you know?
I can't do that unless I'm slowly killing myself with booze or a cigar, you
know?
I can't just sit on a...
You ever just walk by, you know, in one of these sleepy southern towns, you
know what I mean,
where they still think, like, Lyndon Johnson is president, right?
And you're just walking down the fucking street, and you just see somebody
sitting on a porch reading a book.
And it's just, you know, that person, they got it figured out.
You know what I mean?
They walk into church on Sunday with their head held high.
They got nothing to confess.
The fuck did they do?
Huh?
What is their big sin?
That they peaked a few pages forward, hoping that there'd be an end of a
chapter,
to give their eyes a break, you know?
Disrespecting the author and all the hard work that they put in.
Yeah, I'm going to try to fucking chill out here, at least for three days.
I'm going to try to do nothing.
But, I mean, I also have a table read tomorrow for F is for Family, so that's
something.
And, uh, whatever.
What are you going to do?
You know, having shit to do is better than having nothing to do, right?
Or am I fucking that up?
Was it because at that fork in the road, I chose booze rather than weed?
You know?
The people who choose weed, they're like the people that, like, you know, their
dream in
life is to retire.
You know?
And people who drink, their dream in life is to tell people what to do, and the
people
go out and do it.
All right.
I'm painting with the broad brush here, but that's what I do on this podcast.
All right?
None of this is fucking necessarily worked out.
You know?
This is the occasional goddamn set list.
All right.
Let's go.
You know, what I always do when I go to put together a new hour is I have to go
topical.
Let's see what's in the news, everybody.
R. Kelly.
Bobby Kelly, my good, my old roommate.
He's playing my goobies.
But the other R. Kelly, the singer, right?
I'm trying to think of one of his fucking songs.
I used to know him.
I used to know his songs.
Then they took the videos away from MTV.
Like, the last one I saw that he made was the one where he was sitting down and
he had
half his head braided while someone was braiding the other part of his fucking
head.
You know?
God knows what happened to that poor woman, judged by that fucking debacle.
Of an interview.
All right.
It's me.
It's my life.
I don't even fight for my fucking life, man.
Like, he is.
He is fucked.
That's all I got out of that.
I did not get.
I am an innocent man accused of some shit that I didn't do.
What I.
The vibe from that is I am fucked.
They got me this time.
God damn it.
Yeah.
You know, you know, it's fucking hilarious when that guy was standing up
screaming and yelling
and that woman just sat there.
Right.
How that became the opportunity for other douchebags on the Internet to try and
bring up some male
female point, you know, to literally try to wedge their fucking goddamn agenda.
We're literally talking about a guy who if they're saying what he did, if he
did what
they're saying, what he did, this guy is a fucking monster.
This is about getting this fucking guy off of the goddamn street before he can
do this
to somebody else.
But these selfish fucking assholes on the Internet.
Nah, nah, nah.
We're going to wait.
Notice when he screams and that reporter, she just sat there so stoically, so
defiantly,
so brave.
That's what they teach you.
They teach you that in journalism class.
What do you think?
A guy would have stood up and fought him.
So then all these women pile on and they start telling these stories of sitting
quietly as
their boyfriend punched the wall right next to their head.
These selfish fucking assholes took this moment in time.
A pedophile, an alleged pedophile, freaking the fuck out and all those victims.
Fuck all of them.
It's about you and whatever fucking went down during your fucking relationship
and how you
were a total fucking victim.
You know what?
I got one thing to say to you guys, ladies.
All right.
We'll fucking get to you on this one.
This is about the women who actually were fucking a victim of this guy.
Stop trying to fucking, you know, you know what it's like?
It's like back in the day whenever I see stuff about hair metal bands in the 80s
on the Sunset
Strip and you'd go up and you'd staple your fucking banner, your little flyer
up to a
telephone pole.
And then two seconds later, somebody else would staple theirs over yours.
That's what the fuck is going on.
It even happens on shit like this.
It's so goddamn shameless, you know?
And ladies, you got to ask yourself something.
All right.
If more than one time a man in your life punches a hole in a wall right near
your head at any
point, is there any sort of self-reflection where you're like, why do I keep
picking this
guy?
Or what exactly is it that I'm saying to the opposite sex that is causing this
behavior?
Speaking from experience, you know, I remember when I got to my mid thirties
and I was like,
dude, chicks are fucking, they're all fucking psychos.
You know, and by then I was just like, wait a minute, what are you doing?
What are you doing?
You know, and I actually turned around and I looked at myself and I said, oh,
this is
what I'm doing, you know?
And then I decided to stop, you know, fishing in the same area, pulling out the
same goddamn
fish.
Right?
I blamed the victim in all of that.
So all you women out there who, you know, shaking the plaster out of your hair,
you know,
be once in a while, you know, every once in a while, it might be you.
I'm just saying, like, just say one out of 3 million times when someone punches
a wall
near your head, maybe you shouldn't bring up things about his family or
whatever the fuck
it is that you said.
Those other times, you know, the guys are aggressive and they shouldn't do that.
And, you know, maybe there wouldn't be so many Home Depots out there if there
weren't
so many guys with misdirected anger punching holes right next to their
girlfriend's heads.
R. Kelly, could you just shut up for a second with your pedophilia?
This woman here has some plaster in her hair and she would like to tell her
story while this
is going down, if you don't mind.
All right.
Plowing ahead here.
So, oh, you know what?
I got into the Premier League a little bit because I know Liverpool was up by
one point.
And from what I heard, by the time we got to Manchester, Man City was up by one
point.
So, let's see.
Premier League standings.
Oh, and everybody's trying to explain offsides to me.
All they can say is the reason why they have offsides is so people won't hang
down at the
other end of the net and other end of the pitch.
It's like, well, why don't you just have a blue line like hockey?
All right.
And then nobody can hang down by the other goal.
And then if somebody's bringing it down the fucking field and they're faster
than the defensive
line, they get past them and you have what's known in hockey as a breakaway.
And the crowd gets on its feet and there's excitement.
He shoots and he scores!
Jesus fucking Christ, he scored!
Don't understand it.
I understand the not hanging thing.
Oh, Man City up by one fucking point.
All right.
And I realized that somebody told me I was wrong.
That they don't have Saudi Arabian money behind them.
They have Abu Dhabi.
Abu Dhabi.
Baba boy.
They have that money behind them.
All right.
What's going on?
What's who's who's playing?
Leicester City is playing.
Who gives a these are a bunch of fucking teams that aren't in it anymore.
I don't care about any of these fucking teams.
When is Liverpool or Man City playing next?
That's that's the two you got to get into.
All you fucking Yanks, fellow Yanks, listen to this shit.
Slide in now at the end of the goddamn season.
There's like 10 games left.
So, you know, if you watch all 10 Liverpool games, you'll probably see about
nine goals.
So buckle up for that excitement.
Offsides!
No, it's not that bad.
I'm kidding.
All right.
What am I up to here, by the way?
I fucking jet lagged as shit.
I had a great flight back.
I started to watch Black Klansman and before the jet lag got to me.
And I really enjoyed that movie.
Adam Driver.
And I don't know the names of the other people in the fuck.
I'm not going with the names.
But I liked what everybody was doing in that movie.
I like the guy playing David Duke.
Did I see anything else?
Did I watch anything else?
I don't think I did.
Oh, you know what I watched?
I was really disappointed.
I somehow went on kids TV.
I clicked that by accident.
And I, you know, they had all the dumb fucking kid movies.
But then they had like three episodes of the Jetsons.
Which was just the Flintstones, which was just the Honeymooners.
All right.
So they had the Jetsons.
You know, meet George Jetson.
Ba-da-da-be-da-da-ba-da-da-boo-da-da-boo-da-da-boo-da-ba-da-ram.
Be-da-loo-doo.
His, his boy, Elroy.
Then his daughter, Judy.
And they play this wah-wah-wah-wah-wah horn like she's already blowing somebody.
Then Jane, his wife.
Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.
You know, he goes to hand her money and she grabs the whole wallet and goes to
the shopping center.
Da-da-ba-da-ba-da-da-doo.
Bing-bong-boom-ba-bop.
Right?
I watched it.
That fucking show sucked.
At least the episode I saw.
It's like they weren't even trying.
Just kind of went further and further down here.
The Honeymooners was at like the highest level of funny.
And then the Flintstones, they got halfway up the hill.
And then the fucking Jetsons didn't even get out of there.
It was so bad I didn't even watch the other ones.
It's like I used to watch this shit.
But what I will say about the Jetsons is how much shit they got right about the
future.
They had video phones.
They had flat screen TVs.
They had robots in the fucking house talking to people.
Right?
The only thing they got wrong was the work week.
They though