Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-14-19
Uploaded: 2019-03-15T16:58:49.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-14-19' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-03-15. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-14-19' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-03-15. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 3-14-19

hey what's going on it's bill burn it's time for the thursday afternoon just
before friday
monday morning podcast and i i'm just checking in on you i'm taking time out of
my day to read
advertising to make a little more scratch just to make sure that your week is
going okay all right
that's all i'm trying to do here jesus christ if i hear one more fucking
asshole bring up that
stupid michael jackson video i don't what are they going to dig them up and
arrest them
you know and i love when anybody did you see that thing on murder mountain did
you see the making
of a murderer and you go in there and you listen you basically you are watching
you're watching
the prosecution's case that's not how a case works then you hear the defense
all right and i think it's
kind of fucked up that you can have something come out about a dead guy and
then everybody's
just going to be like all right now we know definitively that this guy he
should be allowed
to refute moonwalk out of the grave and be like listen just because i talk like
this and i like
castles and have a giant ice cream machine and like 17 doors that lock on the
way to my bedroom
doesn't mean that i'm fucking a child he should be able to say that
and not because i think he's innocent hey it's it's for you and me right so we
get the chance to do
that so someday you know somebody can't just say hey i saw this guy with this tally
whacker fucking
wagging out of his zipper there right you have a chance to defend yourself with
this new fucking
bullshit of the internet where they just all do processes thrown out the
fucking window
the amount of people that i've seen accused of this me too shit and then people
just immediately go
like i always knew he was a piece of shit it's just like you haven't heard you've
you've heard an
accusation but having said that having said that it makes me feel better about
the suffering of
humanity right because when you look at human beings suffering if you're any
sort of a human being
it bothers you all right but when you see 90 of them on the internet going like
oh you knew that guy
would you be at that point you're like well maybe maybe maybe they don't need
that much food
oh that was just mean bill that was too mean for the morning i i had a little
bit of a
disappointing morning i was going to go fly a helicopter and we couldn't get
the fucking thing started
this r-22 i don't know what the deal is like if you try to start it before
eight the magnetos are
too cold it's too cold outside this time of year it just doesn't want to start
so we we brought a car
out to jump it which we've done before and it's been fine it looks funny as
hell but if you just
don't look at the fact that it's a car and it's a helicopter and you just look
at the engine you're
like oh it's the same fuck it's a fucking gas combustion engine all right same
fucking principles
here um i was really looking forward to flying and i know what a lot of you
guys are saying you're
like oh my god why there's no fucking way i would have flown something i had a
fucking jump shot
i know i know but you'll get in your car that fucking every time you drive over
a puddle it
fucking jizzes in your face right coming up through the rusted out floorboards
as you're texting driving
90 miles an hour right down the fucking street we'll say 50 driving 50 looking
down at your fucking phone
and there's no guardrail and there's somebody driving 50 miles an hour just one
not even like
three feet up you ever notice that when you drive down the fucking street
just on a two-way street like the fact that you're going 50 and the other guy's
going 50
and it never dawns on you like what if that guy just fucking swerved over we'd
both be fucking dead
it's like you're doing like what the other blue angels fly at each other the
last second they turn
away you're doing that with complete strangers you're not on the radio talking
to each other and every day
every day somebody's on their fucking phone they drift over headlight to front
headlight bam right brain
smashing on the inside of the skull and what do people say what do people say
huh oh my god it's a
fucking shame that's it but the next time you go to get in a car nobody says
like hey hey maybe you
should walk you're gonna fucking die sorry i'm trying to preempt everybody who's
gonna sit there and
fucking say a bunch of fucking shit here anyways plowing ahead guess who
finally figured out how the
moto gp website works not this guy somebody gave me the link and showed me and
then i was able to put
in my password and uh so thank you to the to the listener who helped me out and
i got to watch that
race the first one of the year in katana or uh what are they called katar the
english guys
like every little fucking word they say different than us it's amazing that we
speak the same language
over here we say ducati they see ducati oregano oregano tomato tomato katar katar
i think i have to say
i think or katar katar is i think how they were saying it um i don't know when
i just hear shit like
that i really understand to understand how difficult it is to be a spy because
that's that's the shit that
gets you caught you get the accent down you know you watch your little peaky
blinders and you go
over there and next thing you know you're in buckingham palace and you're
fucking snooping around
to find out what those balding cunts are doing in there with all the goddamn
money right and then all
of a sudden what do you do you let it do you go to uh a ducati i forgot how i
said it a ducati slip
then that's it right the queen pushes a button you go through the floor right
down to the royal
alligators um i'm gonna tell you right now about moto gp this is the best
fucking racing that is out
there all right on the final lap the two the two people andres divizioso and
mark marquez in first
and second place they changed leads the late change three times in the final
fucking lap even though i knew
what happened i was still up off the couch you know everybody was asleep so i
was screaming quietly
watching it um an amazing race um a little bit of controversy though huh the ducatis
the ducatis
they got this new little piece that they have underneath the bike that uh
allegedly is kicking up air to cool
off the rear tire and these guys i guess they chew up their tires big time so
if he has this little bit
of an advantage so davizioso won ducati won uh the team and immediately four
teams complained which i'm
guessing is honda suzuki uh by the way how come there's no harleys or fucking
indians in the goddamn
race well what happened my country we started making fucking motorcycles before
all of these cunts didn't we
i gotta look this up
it's so funny that like indians in like hondas are just for like fat fucks not
hondas harleys
essentially it's for old guys i want to sit down i like the pegs up nice and
high my fucking air up my
old fucking ball bag as i drive down the fucking street and all the japanese
bikes and the italian
bikes they're all for the young guys who think they're gonna live forever right
having said all this
having talked all this shit you know if i was going to get a bike which i would
love to um if i wasn't
you know living for somebody else now but even that even before i had a kid
like i always like my legs
um i like my feet pointing in the direction they're supposed to be rather than
turned around like i'm
fucking like daffy ducks bill every other cartoon um all right what the hell
was i looking up
oh first motorcycle
built all right let's see who built it first
oh i got the bad internet huh sometimes you get the bad cocaine sometimes you
get the bad internet
what the fuck are you doing here can't we wait wait
first
first
fucking
motorcycle
ever built
it's gonna bring a porno up
as i said fucking in it come on
come on you can load you can you can load if you want to you can answer my
fucking question
what is the uh jesus fucking christ how much do you have to pay
how much i'm fucking paying nine grand a month for fucking all right the first
motorcycle international combustion petroleum fuel motorcycle
was was the damier reitwagen that sounds like german it was designed and built
by the german inventors
oh you fucking sons of is there anything worse than when you think a man did
something or america did it and you find out they didn't
it's the worst i feel like the world smiles when that happens a motorcycle
often called a bike
or a motorbike or a cycle i know what that is okay 1894
hildebrand and wolf muller became the first series production motorcycles
and the first to be called a motorcycle
in 2014 the three top motorcycle producers globally by volume were honda yamaha
and the hero motocorp
i don't know it's in india
all right so we're not the only ones making motorcycles that aren't in moto gp
what is it about like italians and in uh japanese motorcycles that
they just make the fastest ones they got they got that on lockdown look at
fucking
um japan they got honda
suzuki and yamaha so what i'm finding out is the suzuki's are the best in the
corners
but then the ducati's and honda's just have too many horses when they go down
the straightaway which is fucking weird to me
you know i guess it would depend on the track because the one they were riding
riding on had like two long straightaways
so any sort of fucking ground the dude in the suzuki would gain he would just
lose it every time he would go by the grandstands over there all right enough
motorcycle talk but i really enjoyed it uh if you want to jump on
there's only like 20 fucking races there's only like 20 fucking races they're
like 22 23 24 laps they fly by and you're watching guys going 200 fucking miles
an hour on a motorcycle like an eighth of an inch away from each other
it's done i'll tell you it's unfucking believable
i've been giving yannis papa shit one of my favorite comics out there
absolutely brilliant guy but he's like the classic fucking new yorker
where he did this instagram post right and uh he's like in philadelphia and he
goes look at these
he's going look at the buildings look at the buildings look at the buildings
and he goes every city looks like new new york city for a block and a half and
then the whole thing falls apart
you know and i there's there's something just so fucking funny about the way
new yorkers travel
you know every place they go to if they can't do exactly what the fuck they can
do in new york city the
place sucks it's like you're in philadelphia why would it look like new york
city that's why you travel
oh where are all the fucking buildings
the tri-state area is arguably the biggest collection of meatheads in the
united states of america and i
and this is saying something because i grew up in greater boston you know and
if you want to see the
level of meathead just watch a boston sporting event when they pander the crowd
all right and i'm not talking down i know i'm part of the problem
so i've just been leaving all these fucking messages how new yorkers just think
everything
sucks they're such fucking moron oh i went to fucking houston right i'm in houston
texas so i ordered
the linguine and it was it was it was fucking terrible can't get good italian
in houston texas
why didn't you get the barbecue you dumb fuck why didn't you get some tex-mex i
don't
fucking i went to buffalo right i fucking went to the buffalo wild wings their
fucking wings aren't that
good good fucking morons they are fucking morons you know what's funny i um i
went to the brody
memorial right i can't remember if i talked about this on monday i still can't
get over this this guy
was eulogizing is that the right word brody stevens and he somehow was able to
trash boston twice
in his fucking eulogy it was one of the high points of it because it was you
know it was really
uplifting but it was sad but it was kind of funny to see that new york fans are
that annoyed that we
won some championships finally you know finally won a couple you know and that
it's b