Name: Monday Morning Podcast 4-8-19
Uploaded: 2019-04-08T16:37:42.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 4-8-19' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-04-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 4-8-19' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-04-08. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 4-8-19

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast
for Monday, April 8th, 2019.
Still want to say 18. 2019, what's going on? How the fuck are you? How was your
goddamn weekend?
You know when people ask you a question, some of you used to do a bit about
that.
They just ask you a question so they can fucking say what they want to say.
Like, hey, how you doing? Oh, that's good. Oh, I'm fucking doing great.
I'm asking you how your weekend's going because I'm fucking coming up on next
week.
Just say. Everybody thinks the big story this week, the big fucking story.
What are they talking about? Oh, oh, oh, the fucking NCAA finals game.
Oh, baseball's underway. Oh, the NHL playoffs are starting.
NBA's right around. Everybody thinks those are the big story.
Oh, Trump fired somebody else.
Oh, there's chaos in Libya.
Somebody fucking stepped on somebody's toe in Canada and didn't apologize.
Now they've been canceled on Canadian Twitter.
Everybody thinks those are the big stories.
Those are not.
All right.
And I'm ashamed of all of you.
If you think that these stories are bigger than the fact that old freckles has
gone 19 weeks without drinking and coming up this weekend, that's 20 weeks to
zero, baby.
I'm almost halfway fucking there.
Just like that.
The man shut it down.
So there you go.
All you a a motherfuckers out there trying to say I was one of you that I
needed this whole gang of people to help me fucking walk out of a bar like Kellen
Winslow after that fucking Miami Dolphin game.
I don't need you fucking people.
I got control.
I got control when I decide when I say it's over.
It's fucking over.
And this thing about booze.
All right.
A booze has no respect for fucking alcoholics.
He sees you.
He sees you weak.
It's like when Tyson would win in the whole fight in the fucking stare down.
That's the best that bottle of booze staring at you fucking AA people.
Not me.
I'm a tougher breed of an alcoholic.
I'm what's known as a binge drinker.
It's a switch, man.
Flip it on or flip it off.
OK, and I'm I'm the man touching the socket.
I don't know what I'm saying.
I'm just like I'm like halfway through.
I'm not trying to make fun of you fucking AA people.
I feel bad for a people.
You know, everybody gave a shit what they what they had to say and about all of
their stories pre 9-11.
And then after 9-11, it all went to hell.
Right.
Then it was all about supporting the troops.
You know, the first responders.
There's now it's all the way down to like fucking mailmen and male ladies.
They're all in front of you.
Everybody forgot.
About our fallen heroes.
The raging alcoholics.
And all of their goddamn stories.
Remember that?
Remember that?
Right.
Remember that?
Pre fuck?
What the fuck?
I can't even talk anymore.
Pre 9-11.
How many fucking movies did they make about alcoholics?
Yeah.
It's all these fucking movies.
Right.
I can't think of any right now.
Barfly.
Leaving Las Vegas.
Oops.
I did it again.
Right.
Was that the soundtrack?
Britney Spears wrote a soundtrack to a drunk movie.
I forget what the fuck it was.
Right.
But there was all these fucking movies about these alcoholics and how they
couldn't do this
and they couldn't do that and they get all fucking, you know, and they're, I
don't even
know what I'm talking about, people.
I'm just trying to fill up an hour while annoying a certain segment of the
population.
Decide.
Today I decided it was going to be alcoholics.
Come on.
We've all lived with one.
Huh?
They're fucking excuses.
Always blaming the bottle.
It's like, hey, 20% wasn't you.
The sober cunt I'm staring at right now.
20% of that fucking shit wasn't you.
It's all in the bottle.
Like a little genie.
You just put it right back.
That movie's like offensive, I think, to the Middle Eastern people.
You know what I mean?
That's a weird one, right?
Hollywood thinks that we're magical and fly on carpets.
All right.
Well, I can see, well, you know, that's not really treating you like a human
being, but
it's a lot better than they've treated a lot of people in Hollywood.
Some other groups are treated a little bit worse.
Anyways, I don't know.
Why do I comment on things?
I don't, you know, I just see shit and I immediately think, hey, I have an
opinion.
I haven't read up on anything.
Goddamn.
I'm having a great time right now because we are on episode nine, number nine,
of season
four of efforts for family and I can't tell you what's happening, but some
people end up
in this city that I had to do some research on.
I found out all this cool shit about it.
You know, you know, you know me.
All right.
You don't know me.
You think you know me and I think I know me, but nobody knows what the fuck's
going on
with me.
All right.
But I like, you know, this might surprise a lot of you guys.
I am not a fan.
I can't say I'm not a fan, but I don't give a fuck about a level cities.
Right.
Any city that you two tours to, I don't give a shit about it.
All right.
At that point, it's blown out.
There's cheesecake factories and fucking dick sporting goods all over the
fucking place.
It's all been devoured, paved over those giant store windows that look like
tropical fish
tanks.
Now, you know, those things.
I like going to those fucking ones that, you know, the people that are into you
to have
to drive from.
Why doesn't John Cougar Mellencamp ever come to my city?
Is there a reason why that guy always acts like he's a farmer?
Wasn't he in like the Glee Club or something?
He's always acting like he's in the fucking West Side Story or some shit.
Rain on the scarecrow, blood on the plow.
Yeah, you fucking played a ukulele.
Stop acting like you were out there fucking picking avocados, whatever the fuck
it is you're
pretending you did.
See, that's your job, a horse.
Should I make it right?
He was the voice of the farmers.
Long before all of these fucking stupid comics started becoming the voice of
fucking different
causes, you had the stupid musicians doing it, right?
What I love is no matter how much somebody, when they're going to loan their
celebrity.
What are you doing for this cause, famous person?
Well, I am loaning my celebrity.
I'm not going to use it for me in this moment.
In this moment, I'm going to loan it out to the common people.
The people who come to my movies, the people who ask for autographs, the people
that I walk
past at airports on my way to my private jet.
I am loaning my celebrity.
Whenever somebody loans their celebrity, it still ends up just being about the
celebrity,
isn't it?
You know?
Look at all those fucking comedy whores.
You see it, those fucking things, right?
They're always up on the stage.
They're never out in the crowd with the real fucking people, are they?
Rubbing elbows with America.
You know, looking into the eye of it, staring at that fucking post-fucking,
what do you call
it, Invisalign dentition?
You don't even know what you're talking about anymore.
You know, it's this fucking point.
You don't even know what the fuck you're looking at.
God bless people who are dating right now.
With Invisalign, Botox, hair plugs, you don't know.
You could be marrying a fucking troll.
You don't even realize it.
There should be something.
You shouldn't be allowed to fix yourself until after you find love.
And you know what?
You're doing both people a favor.
So then you know it's real.
All these people in these fucking commercials late at night, right?
I'm laying in bed, bald son of a bitch.
Top of my head, ice cold against that fucking pillow, right?
And I'm watching the TV and every five fucking seconds they got some fucking cunt.
Coming out of a pool, right?
With his fucking hair, oh, waving around.
He's playing fucking badminton.
Living this active lifestyle.
And everybody's always like, well, gee, I can't fuck anyone.
I can't go for a swim unless I have hair plugs.
I can't play badminton.
That's not what it's about.
It's not about being active.
It's showing that you can be active and you're not wearing a wig and it's not
going to come flying off.
That's what used to happen back in the day.
People would get a wig.
You know, you decided you were getting a wig and then what you had to do was
you had to leave town, okay, and show up wearing your wig.
And hope that they all bought it.
And all of a sudden you had a little more confidence.
You're talking to this beautiful chick and everything's going fucking great,
right?
You're nervous on the first date.
You feel yourself sweating underneath your fucking toupee.
Literally trickling down the back of your skull, going into the back of your
shirt.
And all you're thinking is, thank God I wore a fucking sport coat.
All right, because I am sweating my fucking pits off right now, you know?
And you fooled them for a while and then one day, you know what I mean?
You get a little boozed up.
You get a little sloppy.
You don't put the fucking tape on, right?
Whatever you do.
I don't know how it sticks there.
I don't know if it's a little fucking, I should look at that up.
I should look that up one day, how to fucking put a wig on, how to glue it to
the top of your head.
But then all of a sudden, all the advertising I'm going to be getting, it's
going to be like full of those paint rollers with wig glue.
And that now, get your second roller for free.
Just in case you got some alopecia down there in your pube area, we can give
you a fucking pube wig.
A two-for-one.
Two-for-one fucking wig.
Down there by your pubes and up there on top of your head.
We'll even throw in some eyebrows for you.
Yeah, and you went to a new fucking town, and then one day, something happened.
You had to get involved in something.
Some fucking four-alarm fire, and all they got is one firehouse.
Next thing you know, you're in the bucket brigade, and you start sweating.
Or maybe one of the embers there, embers, whatever you say, fucking flies away
from the fire and lands on top of that toupee.
And then it's like, oh, my God.
I thought watching those people screaming from that burning building was the
most incredible thing I was going to see tonight until I saw your fucking wig
catch on fire, pull it off your fucking head.
And you went from 26 to 48 right in front of my eyes.
Who is this outsider, huh?
This carpetbagger.
Do you realize what a big deal it was back in the day when a stranger moved to
town?
Because, you know, there was no way to vet anybody.
You didn't know what the fuck was coming to town.
You know?
Is this a serial killer?
Is this person wanted?
Is this a war criminal?
Did this person escape from jail?
Did they just rob a bank?
Are they a Scientologist?
Are they a Mormon?
Are they a Jehovah's Witness?
Who is this guy?
And what the fuck's going on with this?
There's something not right about him.
I can't figure out what the fuck it is.
And they're all gossiping about you.
They're smiling to your face.
What is he?
I bet he killed somebody.
I don't know.
There's something about him.
Something in his eyes.
Seen, like, there's something in his eyes.
I don't know what the fuck's wrong with him.
There's something going on with that fucking guy.
Then everybody starts talking and shit.
Next thing you know, people are drinking.
We ought to get fucking rid of him.
I like this town before he came.
When you could just walk down the street and not worry about some motherfucker
with some weird look on his face.
We ought to string him up, right?
And then they fucking go down and they grab the motherfucker.
And right as they put the rope around his head and he's screaming and yelling,
he's like, all right, I got a wig.
I got a fucking wig.
And that was it.
And they took it off and all the townspeople laughed at him.
Then they tarred and feathered the top of his head.
They tied his fucking arms behind his back and they slapped that horse on the
ass and he was on the way to the next fucking town.
And that's the way it was.
That's the way America was back in the day, you know, and you know, as
difficult as that is, it is a part of our history.
It is kind