Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-11-19
Uploaded: 2019-04-11T23:32:07.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-11-19' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-04-11. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-11-19' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-04-11. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-11-19

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon,
just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you.
I'm checking in on you, just because I care, okay?
In this time when everybody else is just thinking about themselves and their
issues, I'm the person that cares about everybody else, and now I'm going to
tell you about it, because that's what the world is about now.
The world is not about trying to go out and, you don't do a good thing unless
everybody knows you did a good thing.
Here's me helping an old lady across the street. Hang on, granny. Look under my
phone while I take a selfie of what a good fucking person I am.
And then I hashtag it humble. Just had the most amazing experience helping an
old person across the street, which I documented on my smartphone.
Hashtag humbled. Hashtag learn from your elders.
Oh, I am in an extra cunty mood today. I'm not going to lie to you. It has
nothing to do with the hipsters. It's got nothing to do with the Manchurian
candidate.
Hey, by the way, you know, I want to apologize to everybody in England, the UK,
the, what else do you call it?
The fucking, uh, the something empire. Great Britain, right?
Specifically, or pacifically, depending on your education, I would like to
apologize to the football fans of the Premier League.
I've been making fun of it, saying it's fucking stupid.
They, you know, and, and, and, and Man City, they had played a bunch of shit
bump teams and they're just going to keep winning.
And this is going to be like no excitement whatsoever.
And just when you thought this pasty freckled yank was right, what happened?
Man City loses.
To the powerhouse that is Tottenham.
Oh, no way, Tottenham.
I could have told you fucking three years ago they were going to lose that game.
Nothing sends shivers down the fucking spine of football fans as they shove
fucking newspaper wrapped fish into their faces.
Like the phrase, we have Tottenham next.
It's amazing.
They fucking lost.
So I don't know what's going on.
So now, you know, I think Liverpool could actually tie.
And that, that would be amazing, right?
After all of this running around and grabbing your legs and screaming in agony,
the end of the year, you got two champions.
Putting a whole new fucking meaning to we are the champions.
We are the champions of the Premier League.
Boo, boo, boo, boo, boo.
And no one is fucking better except for that other team.
Do, do, do, do, do.
We are the champions.
And so is the other city.
I, for the life of me, don't understand how you have a fucking league that the
entire world is watching.
And you don't, you're not, you're not going to have these two teams play each
other.
We are the champions, dun-dun, of the world.
But so is Man City.
We tied as champions.
So then what's going to happen?
You guys are both going to walk around in your cities with your championship
hats for 2019.
And then you run into each other on the fucking tube or the train or wherever
the fuck you are.
And then it's like literally like one of those stupid fucking feel-good stories
on Facebook.
So-and-so had a twin that he was unaware of.
He's now 63 and he went to a mall on Long Island.
And ran into this fucking jerk-off that was his brother that he didn't know,
right?
I always think that's hilarious when siblings meet each other in their 60s that
they didn't know existed.
Now what are you going to talk about, you know?
Ah, I had my gallbladder removed too!
You really are my brother!
You want to go play fucking catch?
Um, I don't have shoulders that work anymore.
You also dodged the draft?
Oh my god!
How could you not be related?
So that's what's going on right now.
And I tried looking it up to figure out, you know, the standings and all of
that shit in the Premier League.
Everyone will be champion this year!
Alright, standings.
The same way it can end in a 0-0 tie, you can have two champions, do-do-do-do-do.
Alright, so right now Liverpool has two more points.
But I've learned that that doesn't mean shit unless you know, like, how many
games are left.
And I gotta be honest, I don't give a fuck.
I don't, okay?
I'm still rooting for Liverpool, I'm still paying attention.
But if the end of all of this fucking shit, these fucking two assholes aren't
gonna play each other.
And Man City could, could, I don't know.
Could not win it because they lost a Totterham.
Roy, can I get a bit of Totterham on a sandwich, please?
Um, I don't know.
Whatever.
You know what I'm doing?
I'm doing what I fucking hate people do when they come to this country.
Is they just come here and they tell me how fucked up it is.
Like, I as an American don't realize it.
It's like, dude, I fucking live here.
Can you stop country-splaining to me while you manspread across from me, you
toxic, foreign, male, Caucasian?
Whatever the fuck these fucking broads are bitching about this week.
Um, anyways, there's a big strike that's supposed to be happening out here.
I'm hoping they're gonna win the Writer's Guild.
You know what these fucking piece of shit agents did?
They actually fucking started packaging deals where they're making more money
than the fucking person they're allegedly working for.
It's just classic them.
And you know what they do?
They go to bed.
They fucking sleep fine.
You know what's funny is none of my agents have brought this up.
Like, yeah, I mean, I wasn't a part of it and it's despicable.
Um, hey, Nia, we were just saying that you haven't been on the podcast in
forever.
I know.
Oh, wow.
What?
You could not sound less, uh, I don't know, missing of the podcast.
What's going on with you, gorgeous?
You're looking great.
Thank you.
Huh?
Thank you.
You know I'm a mom.
I know.
Nia woke up.
I woke up this morning and the first thing Nia says was just like, oh my God.
I was asleep until midnight and then I couldn't go to sleep until 4 a.m.
You know?
And you want as a husband to be like, well, that sucks for you.
But you know what that means.
You got to go get the little rug rat.
I did.
I made a waffle.
I came in there this morning.
And she go, I go, I go, hey, buddy.
She goes, I want waffles.
That was the first thing.
Right out of the gate.
She came in with a breakfast order.
I want waffles.
All right?
But I'm a strict dad.
So you know what I did?
I went right downstairs and I made her waffles.
That's right.
Yeah, you're eating a healthy breakfast.
What did you say, sweetheart?
You want waffles?
Okay.
Absolutely.
Anything for you.
But then I didn't make waffles for you, Nia.
I did not.
Because you've been crushing it on your diet.
And there's all kinds of sugar and shit and that.
You don't need it.
And I didn't want to be the guy that handed you the crack pipe.
Nia, this off mic thing that you're doing on the podcast is about as exciting
as watching
Liverpool and Man City not play each other for the championship.
Everyone is champion in soccer.
If you fall down, we'll fucking stop the game for 20 minutes.
Boo, boo, boo, boo.
The more you watch soccer, though, the more you can see how much it hurts.
You know, when they get the spikes going.
Like when Mo Salah was on that breakaway and that guy just basically peeled the
skin off
the back of his calf.
But I love that he was on a breakaway and he kept going.
Mo Salah actually looks like, he's like, looks like the Judd Apatow.
Of Premier League soccer.
Nothing?
You're just going to walk out?
I, no.
I was about to be like, did you just say what I think you said?
What?
They look like each other.
He's the best player in the soccer league.
Oh, okay, okay.
Yes.
Nia, always looking out for me.
Always looking out for me.
Did you just say something about Tara Reid?
Anyways.
Stanley Cup playoffs started.
Now, for all you English people over there, you probably, right, what's that?
Is that like everybody sort of just mills around playing each other and then
the end,
they, you know, like whoever has the most points wins?
Right now, everybody in England is just like, that's a fucking terrible accent.
I'm going to compound it with a bad accent.
Right, we don't fucking talk like that, Mike.
Yeah, started last night.
The Islanders, big win in overtime over your Pittsburgh Penguins.
OT loss, OT loss, OT loss, San Jose Sharks.
I fell asleep.
I think they were handling the Knights pretty well.
It was four to one.
And I didn't see what happened with Nashville.
No, wait.
Yeah, that was the, yeah.
Okay.
Sorry.
I watched, I got a kid now.
I don't know what the fuck's going on.
But I'll tell you what, as much as I have a child, as much as I'm a dedicated
father,
I still had time to go out to my little fucking garage with my wonderful,
beautiful Gretsch
broadcaster set, and I was there, I was working on that Soundgarden song, Never
the Machine
Again, which is in nine.
I was psyched.
I figured out that it was in nine, and then I figured out the main groove, and
then that
second groove where he goes on the toms, I can never fucking hear where he's at,
so I
had to watch some kid on YouTube play it.
But I'm able to, the whole song, though, what I love about the whole song is it's
in nine,
and then it feels like it switches, but it never does.
He's just fucking with the time.
It was almost like he was either playing double time at first, and then regular
time, or he
was playing regular time and then halftime, which I think is what he's doing.
And just the way he comes up with the drum parts, Matt Cameron, the overrated,
underrated
for this week, Matt Cameron, drummer for Soundgarden.
Pearl Jam, and whoever his next band is going to be, whoever they're going to
be.
I don't know.
I always thought he was, like, wasted in Pearl Jam, that he could play all
these different
time signatures.
And as far as I know, Pearl Jam just plays in four, you know?
So that's like you got, like, some fucking amazing, like, I don't know, wide
receiver,
and you just have him on special teams.
Is that what it is, Bill, you non-musician cunt?
Who the fuck are you to tell one of the biggest bands ever that they're wasting
one of the
great drummers of all time?
You know, I got a lot of fucking balls.
First, first you attacked the Premier League, and now you're giving shit to
fucking whoever
puts together Pearl Jam.
Were they fishermen?
Is that how they came up with Pearl Jam?
You know?
What do pearls come out of?
Is it oysters?
I can never remember.
It is pretty amazing that we somehow found those fucking things.
Crustaceans.
Buried in the fucking sand in the goddamn ocean.
Our stupid, nosy asses.
We're like the broads of species.
You know how your fucking wife just sticks their fucking nose in everything?
Everything is curious to them.
They say they're curious.
It's like, no, you're nosy.
You're snooping around.
It's fucking nuts.
All right.
Where do pearls come from?
Ooh, eh?
That's where it is, right?
Why is my internet this fucking slow?
Have they just decided that I have to buy a new fucking?
Although clams and mussels can also produce pearls, they do so, they don't do
so very often.
Everything has to be inclusive.
We're not saying, we're not saying clams and mussels aren't as good as oysters.
As oysters grow, an internal organ called the mantle uses minerals from the
oyster's food to produce a substance called, nah, who gives a shit?
Somebody sat and figured that out.
Somebody opened that up and found it and was like, you know what?
I'm going to give this to the fucking woman in the tribe.
I want to bang.
And it was shiny.
And the other women didn't have it.
And she liked them.
And the dude got his fucking prehistoric dick sucked.
And the trajectory of that, those butterfly wings flapping, turned into all
that bullshit you see on TV with Tiffany's.
You know?
As a man, if you ever produce one of those, when are you going to get out of
the ring commercials, like you really, something should happen to you.
You should lose something.
I'm not saying physically, but you should, somebody should take your flat
screen away for like six months.
No spo