Name: Monday Morning Podcast 4-15-19
Uploaded: 2019-04-16T20:02:43.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 4-15-19' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-04-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 4-15-19' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-04-16. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 4-15-19

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday, April 15th. Ouch.
2019. How you guys doing today on this fucking tax day? Huh?
Oh, Uncle Sam's knocking at your door, Uncle Sam. He's a whore. He's taking all
your fucking money, unless you didn't do shit.
And then he gives you some. I didn't do anything this year, Uncle Sam. Oh,
there, there. Here's some money for you.
Hey, Uncle Sam, I worked my balls off. I'll take that.
Anyways, I hope today finds you on the fun side of tax day. I hope it does. I
hope it does.
You know, it's funny. I actually found a fucking W-9 or whatever. I have to go
give to my accountant.
And it's the 15th, and he's going to be like, well, where the fuck was this
when fucking I was asking where all your fucking W-9s were, man?
My lawyer is, he's a Southern character.
My lawyer. My accountant.
How are you guys? How are you this morning?
I'm actually, you see how I didn't even wait to see how you're doing?
Because I don't care. It's all about me on this podcast.
That's why I don't have guests.
Oh, Freckles is fucking wiped out.
This is the thing about being a fucking redhead.
Even when the red part of your head is gone.
There's only so much sun that someone like myself can take on during a 48-hour
period.
Really, only an eight-hour period, or I am going to be in serious fucking
problems here.
And old Freckles spent the entire weekend out in the sun.
On Saturday, I went to Long Beach, and I went down there, and I watched the
Long Beach GP, the Grand Prix down there, whatever the hell they call it.
It's fucking amazing.
Because not only was there a couple of races, there was also, like, people out
there trying to qualify for the Indy 500 or something.
I didn't get that part.
Or maybe they were, like, qualifying to try and qualify.
I don't know how the fuck it works, but it was kind of, it reminded me of, like,
a mini Le Mans where you had all these different classes of cars that were out
there racing.
And it was so fucking cool, and I got to go down, you know, go in the whole pit
area, whatever the fuck they call it, the paddock.
And they had BMWs and Porsches and Corvettes, and then they had more Indy car
racing style cars.
And I got hooked up by a good buddy of mine, and he got this one pass that said
to take a hot lap, which really sounds perverted, but you get in a fucking race
car, and the guy tears around the track at about 120, 130 miles an hour.
Now, I had already done something like that at the Indy 500 that time when, for
all things comedy, comedy, comedy.
I interviewed Danica Patrick right before her last race, and she took me around
in a Camaro.
So I already did that, and my lovely wife was the one who kind of put together
the whole Long Beach thing.
So, and I knew that she was bored shitless.
So I was like, can you, can my wife go instead of me?
And the guy was like, yeah, if that's what you want.
I was like, yeah, man, I've already done this.
You know, I got to keep her adrenaline going here.
And she ended up jumping in this car, and she got in some fucking Porsche,
which I guess was worth like fucking 300 grand.
And this guy tore around the track.
She did a little Instagram thing about it, but that put a big smile on her face
and got her going.
I don't know who she drove with, but she thought that was his job, that that's
what the fuck he did.
And it turned out he was like some legendary race car driver who'd won a ton of
races or something.
But anyways, we ended up having a great fucking time.
And dude, I've been meaning to go to that.
That is a killer fucking event.
The crowd is like crazy into it.
And on the first lap of the first race that I saw, there was an accident.
And you just heard the crowd go, you know, freaking out because they fucking
were watching it up on the TV.
And there's a couple of hotels down there, too, for those of you who don't want
to sit in the sun like me,
that have balconies that overlook the racetrack.
So it's like basically, you know, you get high enough up a floor.
It's like you're hovering in a fucking helicopter just watching the whole frigging
race.
And then you could have the TV on in your living room.
You know what I mean?
Then you could burn some coal and do a couple other things to fuck up the
atmosphere just for your own fucking personal enjoyment.
It was tremendous.
I had a moment there where I was almost going to get to meet Bobby Rahal, who,
as far as I know, is, I think, the first guy who ever won a NASCAR event and
then won the Indy 500.
That's quite a leap that you didn't see a lot back then.
You know, they were a bunch of good old boys back in the day.
Hell, they was just running some car they had shining the fucking weekend
before.
It was much more like that.
I caught the tail end, you know, when it was Buddy Baker, Cale Yarbrough, Harry
Gantt, you know, Harry Gantt and the Skull Bainet, whatever you have, Buick Regal,
whatever the fuck.
When the fucking cars still look like something you drive down the street, I
caught the tail end of that.
Darryl Waltrip, Bobby Bonilla.
No, I'm sorry.
That's a baseball player, isn't it?
Who the fuck else was out there?
Oh, Bill Elliott, the Bill Burr fucking star car drivers.
You know?
People always said I look like Ron Howard.
It's like, no, I didn't.
I used to look like Bill Elliott, a.k.a. Dollar Bill, which was never my
nickname.
What the fuck am I talking about?
I'm wiped out.
Sorry.
And then Sunday, when all this unbelievable sports shit was happening, when
Tiger Woods won the match.
Oh, my God.
That was a scary moment.
All of a sudden, my mixer wasn't working.
And I was like, holy shit.
I believe I just said, oh, no.
I'm like, now what the fuck am I going to do?
How am I ever going to go out and buy another $60 fucking two-channel mixer?
It's $99 a guitar, Santa.
It turns out it's just the outlet in my house.
All right.
I love it.
I love buying an old house with character.
It's got a lot of character.
See that guy over there?
He doesn't work at all.
He's got a lot of character.
He doesn't have a fucking job.
That guy has a lot of character.
It's weird how the way human beings, you're not judged having a lot of
character if you don't have a fucking job.
But if a house doesn't work at all, that's how it's described.
He's got a lot of character.
He's got a great personality.
Anyways, Tiger Woods won the master.
Ah-ha, ladies.
Ah, the ladies.
All these years, they were hoping that that motherfucker would never win again.
So their stupid fucking theory that, you know, women always try to take the
credit when a great man does something.
Whenever a great man achieves something, what do they try to fucking do?
They go, well, his wife supported him.
So when she fucking leaves him, when the guy's old and he's limping around and
all that and he can't hit a jump shot anymore and she goes out and takes his
fucking house, they always try to say, well, she gave up on her dreams to
follow her.
Yeah, because her dreams couldn't sell out an arena.
Here's one for you, ladies.
I don't know why I'm coming at you like this because it's fun.
You know what?
It's fun.
You guys are just getting your fucking asses kicked by all these manginas out
there right now sitting there fucking interviewing you.
Specifically white women, like you have difficult lives, which is just fucking
hilarious to me.
But it also is the genius of a woman.
You know what I mean?
The manipulating powers of women is to such a high level.
Their skill at manipulation is such to a high level that literally white women
are being interviewed on television right now.
Like there's some sort of like oppressed people.
Um, what is it like to be a white woman in the United States of America?
That has to be so difficult.
You have no idea every day when I wake up and I look at my SUV and I'm like, it
needs to be vacuumed out.
Um, anyways, there's that big fucking stupid fucking argument about support.
Whenever somebody great, specifically a man does something great and then a
woman cleans them out or there's credit, you know, or the guy's given a fucking
speech.
He always has to thank his fucking wife.
You know what I mean?
And, you know, all guys, we know what this is.
Say her fucking name so she's in a good mood on the car ride home because God
knows her emotions come first before anything else in the fucking relationship.
So that's why guys are giving a shout out.
But what women do is they take it at face value like they actually had
something to fucking do with it.
You know what I mean?
Ladies, let me ask you this fucking question.
Okay, because for all these fucking years, they had this theory that when Tiger's
personal life fell apart, that's why his golf game fell apart, which was
complete horseshit.
All right.
If you read any of those stories, the man definitely had the ability to
compartmentalize his life.
That wasn't the issue from day one when he was just a kid.
When he won his first master, master, master, right?
When he won that in fucking 1997.
All these fucking old white guys were going like, this guy's unbelievable.
He's going to fucking do this and that.
But the way he swings is such a violent swing.
I'm worried about his back and his knees and all that.
They called it.
A lot of them were probably hoping it was going to happen because they wanted
Jack Nicholson or Nicholas, sorry, to still be at the top.
You know, who's kidding?
Who golf isn't the exactly the most inclusive fucking sport out there.
Right.
So they're like, I don't want no person of color.
Like they said, person of color.
Beating fucking the gold sucks.
The sun god, Jack Nicholson.
So they were predicting that his body was going to break down and give out on
him, which it did right when his personal life did.
So, of course, everybody gives the Barbie doll all this fucking credit.
That's she was his rock.
She did the fuck out of here.
The guy did it on him by himself.
That's it.
He did it on his own.
At the end of the fucking day, she's not out there swinging the fucking yardstick.
All right.
You know, and for any women who don't like that shit, let me ask you this.
Okay.
When a woman gives birth and a guy's sitting there supporting her going, come
on, you can do it.
Okay.
Who deserves the lion's share of the credit when the baby gets delivered?
Furthermore, who gets the lion's share of the credit?
The woman still does.
You know what I mean?
But you can better believe if we were pushing a kid out of our ass there and
the woman was cheering us on.
You know, God knows, God knows the court system would be like, well, you know,
she played a major role.
How come fans for the Patriots haven't gotten their own Super Bowl rings for
supporting the Patriots through this incredible Super Bowl run?
Where's my ring?
I supported you, Tom Brady.
So anyway, I'm just, I'm really talking to a small segment of fucking women out
there.
But it's fun to fucking trash them.
I missed the whole fucking thing.
I didn't see any of it.
And I was at, I was at Fort Irwin out in the Mojave Desert there, the Mojave
Desert, watching the army play some war games.
Don't ask me how the fuck this whole thing came together.
I did a, I did a show at an American Legion.
There's a comic there.
John Seitz, who, who is a veteran himself.
And you just go down there and you're smoking cigars with veterans and they ask
you shit and you just keep saying yes.
The next thing you know, as a bald redheaded male, you were, you were out in
the middle of the fucking Mojave Desert.
No business being out there.
Fucking in the middle of the God.
Well, we actually, we got up at like 530.
Well, I had to be there at 530 in the morning.
It was pretty cool.
We flew like a Vietnam era Huey, like the apocalypse now one, you know, Charlie
doesn't like to surf.
You know, we flew that thing up out there.
I got to sit in a Black Hawk and an Apache, talk to all these pilots, and then
I watched a fucking war game and ate the fucking military meal that the