Name: Monday Morning Podcast 4-29-19
Uploaded: 2019-04-29T21:15:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 4-29-19' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-04-29. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 4-29-19' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-04-29. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 4-29-19

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday, April 20-fucking-9th, 2019.
What's going on? How are ya? Oh, old Freckles is in Iceland.
Billy the Red, the old fucking bald Viking, has returned to the motherland.
You know, what's funny is I've been growing my beard out a little bit because I
have a little bit of acting work, everybody.
I got a part in a, it's a miniseries on Lifetime. It's about verbally abusive
dads, and I play the father.
And some of my lines are, you call this popcorn, you fucking bitch?
You know, so I've been working on, it's going to be an edgy one.
It's going to be the first rated R Lifetime movie, and that's what I'm in.
And I'll be doing a lot of screaming, a lot of throwing of inanimate objects at
my wife, my television wife and television children.
And they were like, Bill, you know, as much as you have the anger in you, we
just don't find you intimidating.
Is there any way you could grow out your red beard?
And I said, well, certainly, absolutely, I can do that.
So that's what I've been doing.
So look for it.
There's the program, the working title is tentatively called Mommy, Can You,
Could You Kill Daddy?
No, I'm sorry, I ran out of shit to say.
Anyways, I'm out here.
I've been out here since last Monday.
Spent a week out here in Iceland, and I've had such a fucking great time.
I don't even know where to begin.
I had some family come out with me, and my wife and my daughter, and some other
people came out.
And let's see, I think on Wednesday, Wednesday we went on a whale watch.
First of all, my poor daughter, she was sick.
We thought she got air sick, but she just was sick sick.
She puked like fucking, I don't know, three or four times on the way over.
And we only brought like two changes of clothes.
But by the time we get to frigging Iceland, the poor thing, all she had was
like her diaper on and a frigging T-shirt that we bought in Seattle.
We connected in Seattle.
And my wife was like, I was looking for a little Seahawks T-shirt for her.
I thought that'd be cute.
And I was like, that would not have been cute.
So anyway, of course, we get to Iceland and we get off the plane, and it's one
of those deals where you get off the plane and then walk over to a bus.
So I got her all wrapped in a blanket, and I was all nervous she was going to
get even more sick.
But it was just like a 24-hour little stomach thing that she had.
And she's a tough kid, man.
She really is.
And I figured growing up in Hollywood or whatever, she's been loving it out
here.
Like she cries when we bring her back inside.
Like she wants to be outside.
She's always going, Winnie, Winnie, saying it's like windy, you know.
And she loves it.
Loves the cold weather.
Yeah, she's a little, she's a tough kid.
She's at that age, too, where she wants to do everything herself, like we did a
couple of sightseeing things.
And we were all going to get in the van.
And my wife picked her up to put her in the van, and she got all upset.
Going, no, no, I do it, I do it, I do it.
And she would literally get out of the van and then get back in it herself and
spend like a minute trying, struggling,
trying to get up into the bench seat with the kid chair on top.
And I was just waiting for her, you know.
When she gives up, she goes, Dada, help, right?
And she didn't.
She just stuck it out and sat down and looked at us and smiled like, see, I
told you I could do it.
I didn't say I could do it in under 10 minutes, but I just said I could do it.
So I've been having an awesome time.
She's got some new words.
Everybody is their new word.
Everybody swim.
Everybody eat.
And then, of course, we're always playing our jams.
My favorite thing she says is she goes, I want E-I-E-I-O.
Oh, McDonald, man, that's her tune.
So anyway, we landed on Tuesday.
We didn't do anything.
You know, we were all jet lagged.
And my wife was able to stay up, but me and my beautiful daughter just passed
out in the bed for like six hours, which is kind of how I get over jet.
Like, I don't fight it the first day because I feel like if I fight it the
first day, then I'm going to get sick.
So anyway, Wednesday, we went on a whale watch.
And you know the deal with the whale watch.
You go out and you watch and you look for whales on the water.
And I, growing up Boston, I never did it.
Never did it.
I've seen a couple of whales flying a helicopter, you know, off the coast of
Malibu.
But they just like, they look like little glow sticks because we're so high up.
You know, you don't want to go down low and disturb or whatever, freak them out.
So you have the fucking whale looking up like Henry Hill looking for the
helicopters there.
So I had never done it.
So we went out there and the captain said at the end of the trip, he said, I've
been doing this for 11 years.
That was a top five day.
We saw so many fucking whales.
I mean, I don't know if it was the same two or whatever.
I don't give a shit.
It was incredible.
They were feeding on, it was a bunch of whatever, whatever the hell they eat
out there.
Plankton or some fish.
I have no ideas.
Are plankton fish?
I don't know.
Is it land lover or land lover?
And if it's lover, because I've seen both, it written both ways.
I don't know what the fuck that is.
You just saw, you know, the spray going up.
And we went over there and they cut the engine.
And we just sat there and watched these things.
Just coming up for food.
One time came up and its mouth was open.
They weren't doing that thing where their tail kept coming out of the water
because they were feeding.
So it was just, you just see them kind of do like a arching their back coming
out of the water.
And then a school of dolphins came by that had like white on their body, like
on the tips of their fins or something.
Jesus Christ, can those things fucking fly?
They were all over the place.
They were racing with the boat, zigzagging in front of the boat.
I felt like I was in a movie.
So then we go to go fishing, which I'm going to be honest with you.
I'm a carnivore.
I don't like killing animals.
I just don't like doing it.
And it's weird, but I'll eat them if someone else killed them.
You know, like I feel like if I was in a gang, I would be the getaway driver.
Like, guys, I don't want to go into the bank and put my gun in somebody's face,
but I'll take the money you steal.
My heart's just not in it, which is really fucking weird.
So my thing is, is if I'm going to kill an animal, I'm going to fucking eat it,
and I'm going to eat the whole goddamn thing, and I'm not going to waste it or
anything.
Because I remember a long time ago, I went bow fishing, and we shot a bunch of
shit.
You know, it turns out I was a lefty with the bow and arrow, and I was actually
pretty good at it.
And I shot a fucking alligator gar, and I remember we brought it up under the
boat, and I thought I was this badass, and they go, watch that thing.
That thing will fucking, you know, rip your leg open and stuff.
And I shot it through the back third of its body, and after a while, I was just
like, wow, we're killing a lot of fish.
Are we going to eat these things?
And they just threw them all back.
And they were like, that thing's going to be fine.
I said, what do you think is going to be fine?
I shot it through its fucking body.
And it just didn't fit.
I remember after, once I found out we weren't eating what we were shooting, I
just stopped.
I was just like, yeah, I'm good.
I'm good.
Like, what the fuck are we doing out here?
So anyway, we go to go fishing, and Nia's never fished in her life, and they
got these fishing hooks, and there was like two on each line.
They put, you know, some old fucking fish on there or whatever, right?
Bait, I believe is what the outdoorsmen call it.
And, you know, me and my buddy were both fishing.
We're not catching anything.
Nia's never gone fishing.
She dropped that line twice, and all of a sudden, she's like, oh, my God.
I think I got something.
I think I got something.
And she's like, oh, no.
And I see, you know, I see the rod bending.
I know she's got something.
She fucking pulls it up.
She caught two fish with one fucking strike.
And she was freaking out.
She thought it was awesome.
And then we went to a different place to fish, and I dropped my line in.
I felt a bite, and I pulled it up, and it was like a trophy fish.
It's the biggest goddamn fish I ever caught.
It was a giant fucking cod.
I'll post a picture of it.
And, I mean, the fish was beautiful.
And, you know, took a picture with it, whatever, set it down.
I literally said, sorry, buddy.
And then we, you know, cut it all up and all of that shit.
And I ate three helpings of it to make sure I ate the whole fucking thing.
Cooked it right up on the boat in a little frying pan, right?
With some butter on it.
It was absolutely fucking delicious.
And I got to admit, I just kept getting it in my head.
I was just like, man, this is such a beautiful, why the fuck did I just kill
this thing?
This fucking fish was beautiful.
It's in the prime of its life.
I just don't got it in me.
You know what I mean?
I respect hunting and all of that shit.
I think it's cool.
I like watching those Rogan things when he goes out, and he shoots elk and all
of that stuff.
And he's giving me some of that meat, and it's fucking delicious.
I just don't got it in me.
I literally think I would feel less guilty if I shot a person.
Well, depending on what the person did.
But I'm a hypocrite, because I fucking, I eat meat and shit.
And like, the next day, we ended up going to, we went on this great trip where
we went out to like these hot springs and shit.
Because I don't know, like the lava or whatever the fuck is really close to the
surface out here.
I don't know what's going on, but they've got all these fucking hot springs.
And it's literally like, you know, can get upwards of 400 degrees Celsius or
whatever, which is like 800 Fahrenheit or something like that.
Something along those lines.
Between 800 and 900 degrees.
And we went and we were watching those things.
And it was weird.
It was like, it was an amazing thing to watch.
But it's like, that's boiling water.
And we're just standing here like fucking assholes.
Two feet away from it.
And we went to go out and go look at this waterfall.
And on the way, we stopped at a farm.
That had a little restaurant.
They ordered a burger and all that type of shit.
And once again, I went and my daughter was looking at the cows.
I know like a burger's made out of a steer.
And I was looking at the cows.
And I'm like, these things are fucking beautiful.
Especially like the light brown ones.
Just gorgeous.
And I was just like, the fuck am I doing?
And I said to Nia, I go, I swear to God, this trip is making me want to go
vegetarian for a minute.
I go, can you believe it?
Why the fuck do we eat those things?
They're beautiful.
And Nia goes, because they're fucking delicious.
So, I don't know.
But what is cool about Iceland is, you know, they have a lot of places where
there's like vegetarian options and shit.
And, I don't know.
Maybe it's just this trip.
Maybe it'll wear off.
I don't know what.
Because I do love a fucking steak.
And I remember one time I watched this thing.
This guy, one of these guys that fucking lives out in the frontier like it's
still the 1800s.
And he had a bunch of fucking cattle.
And all of his cattle were getting like all banged up and shit.
And he couldn't figure out what it was.
You know, was there some animal trying to attack him at night?
And he did all this surveillance.
And it turned out it was one of his steers or his cows.
I can't remember what the fuck they were, right?
And this thing was just fucking being aggressive and bumping into him.
It got to the point he had to get rid of the thing.
So, he's going, all right.
So, the key is to try to, like, you know, just be, like, totally chill.
And then you give him the right there, Fred.
So, they're not nervous.
And whatever that nervousness does m