Name: Thursday Afternoon Morning Monday Podcast 5-2-19
Uploaded: 2019-05-02T20:52:25.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Morning Monday Podcast 5-2-19' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-05-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Morning Monday Podcast 5-2-19' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-05-02. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Morning Monday Podcast 5-2-19

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the thursday afternoon
just before
friday monday morning podcast and i'm checking in on you
sorry uh how are you i'm in health helsinki i'm in helsinki i got i just did
stockholm the other
night i did copenhagen two shows the night before and fucking iceland on monday
been having a great
time joe bartnick coming over here like he's always been over here i actually
asked him because
he's been crushing so hard and so not like in his head you know about being
over here thinking oh
i'm gonna do a joke about ducks do they have ducks do i need to say canard he
hasn't been doing any
of that shit and um he's been killing so i asked him last night when we were in
stockholm i was like
how many times you've been over here and he goes europe i'm like yeah and he
goes never
that's why people love joe bartnick because joey b is joey b no matter where he
is um yeah he's been
killing and i've been uh i've been having some good sets over here trying out
the new shit the race
against time you know i heard joe rogan say the other day that he was put in
six months of work and
he's got a new hour that he's happy with you know because his special came out
and um you know i was
i don't know i just get i get like amped up when i hear shit like that but uh
so i'm trying not to
jump the gun if you guys are you know if you want to hear my process my process
about building a new
hour is i usually dump this shit i'm most sick of first you know what i mean
and uh it's a weird time
it's a weird time for your act because what happens is you get really excited
about the new stuff and
then the old stuff still works and nobody's really seen it yet but you you know
you're getting rid of
it so you feel like you ever go on a date with somebody you know and you know
you're gonna break
up with them and you're out to dinner and and she's just like you want dessert
you're like no no let's
wrap this up um that's how that's that's what you have to fight with your jokes
like you start trying
to wrap them up and then jokes that were funny are now not funny because you're
trying to rush through
them so um i kind of figured that out the last couple of nights and uh had some
great shows and um
i don't know i did stockholm last night and some of the stuff people said to me
in the stage was
making me a little nervous where i was like uh you know i said something i'm
not a big political guy
but uh i've been doing this joke over here was where i just go um you know and
as you all know in
america right now we currently have our greatest president of all time you know
people usually laugh
because generally speaking they don't like him and it was sort of quiet and
there was a couple people
just went like yeah woo i was just like really and i hung out with some people
afterwards and they were
kind of saying that uh oh and i mentioned oh i mentioned during the show i was
saying this is
nothing against people from stockholm they just let me know where people are
kind of at and they was
saying um i go can i ask you a question i go is this bullshit gonna start up
again over here
and they kind of got a little uncomfortable like and kind of said yeah i don't
know if they were joking
or what the bullshit meaning another world war um i don't know it's weird then
i kind of talked to
some people afterwards and granted i only talked to two people and it was their
opinion but they were
saying that it's just kind of getting like racist or whatever not like it ever
went away i don't know
people are fucking awful but those two people i talked to were nice and you
know something
ninety percent of the fucking people that i i talked to were nice
and you know the rest are like racist or like hardcore feminists you know just
people you can't
even have a fucking conversation with
um astoundingly ignorant to walk through the fucking world thinking that you
have all the
answers and you're going to be the one that solves it how long have people been
on this planet i don't
know when did jesus die fucking 2020 years ago then you had what like 500 years
before him is that
what it was i you know i have no idea how long people have been on this planet
hang on a second let me
look that up how long have people
this would be funny just to leave it there to see what they suggest that i
should search here
how long have people no suggestion
been i can't say here right that's even too stupid for google how long have
people been on
on the earth this will take me to scientology well before we were in a
spaceship
um how long have people been on earth do you imagine if scientology is right
there was some
spaceship right and then they just fucking dropped us down here
with absolutely no fucking what i mean how how fucking advanced would they be
technologically
right anybody can you hear me here and then they just fucking leave you to
start all over again
and then that would basically be that this would be a global like survivor like
this big fucking reality
show that they're watching um here's a question any scientologists listen to
this here's my question
that goes how this reminds me of this joe rogan bit he used to do about noah's
ark where he was
talking about how many species of plant are on the planet and if he had two of
each and he was like
how big is this fucking boat doesn't that kind of work with scientology like do
you guys have a finite
number of members that you can have and at that point like the spaceship's not
going to be big enough
or is it going to be a whole fleet
i don't know i don't know why that religion has been interesting me interesting
me interesting
i think right there i just got god we don't need this guy
all right how have how long have humans been on earth
why can't they just answer the question this is what i fucking hate about smart
people they got to
go on and on and on it starts off while our ancestors have been around for
about six million years
just give me a number what am i buying a fucking car here
while our ancestors have been around for about six million years the modern
form of humans only
evolved about two hundred thousand years ago yeah weren't there like two
different kinds and one of
them uh lived and the other ones didn't there's somebody beat somebody else i
don't know the only part
the only thing i know about that history is uh movies not even documentaries
that's how
not read i am i don't even watch documentaries uh civilization as we know it
is only about six thousand years old so what does that mean running water that
goes back to roman times
they held the title for four thousand years before they whacked jesus was that
their downfall they killed
jesus is that what happened or did they stretch it out too far like hitler
did they fight a war in two fronts i mean it all just fucking melts together
after a while doesn't it
all right about 6 000 years old and industrialization started in the in earnest
only in the 1800s oh jesus
yeah future generations are paying for that but i'll tell you what a fucking
life we're living
flat screen tvs and fucking cell phones speaking of cell phones helsinki
i'm in helsinki this is where nokia started angry birds what else are they
known for here hockey
velteri botas huh who won i gotta i gotta see that race
this is gonna be like the first year i watched when uh uh lewis hamilton went
up against the other guy
there that little ricky schroeder looking dude nico rosberg and he won beat lewis
hamilton
and then his girlfriend was like i don't want you to do it anymore and he was
like all right
um i don't think that's what happened because he still stayed away at some
point he would have dumped
her he would have missed the sound of the engine right all right so i guess we've
been around for
six thousand years as we know it 200 000 years ago the first humans i'll tell
you what's amazing about
all of this is i have no idea why i even look this up i don't know can it
really be this this is my new
thing how i deal with my my short-term memory when i can't remember stuff i
just think you know if i
can't remember was it really that important um anyway plowing ahead here uh
here's a great story
it's not a great story it kind of is so all right oh why do they do that
shit we're gonna make you watch this fucking ad i don't want to watch it close
the fucking ad
i'm gonna hit mute because they don't get paid is that what the fuck it is
stop stop thank you all right avenger fans brutally beat man outside cinema
after he loudly revealed the surprise ending to the blockbuster endgame movie
i love both sides of this story
i mean that is just the ultimate cunty thing to do it's so fucking funny and
then i got to admit
you have to respect how much people care about this franchise and if you're
going to do something
like that i mean he kind of got the ass kick and he deserved right uh thank god
it was a mob of nerds
or he'd be dead do you realize what you have to do i mean nerds are supposed to
be these non-violent
people who just kind of sit around and be awkward all the time i love that they
tapped into their inner
chuck norris you found the breaking point you go in and you with their
superhero franchise
look at them they turn into their cavemen selves from 200 000 years ago look at
me
sounded smart all of a sudden um i mean they surpassed modern civilization as
we've known it for the last
6 000 years and went back to our earliest ancestors of 2000 years listen to
that huh
the beginning of a dennis miller joke i think i'm smart now um a man has
reportedly been beaten outside
beaten up outside his cinema after loudly revealing the plot of the new avenger
film
to queuing fans q u e u i n g there you go there goes all my dennis miller now
i'm a dummy again
uh film queuing to queuing fans who hadn't seen it yet so he walked out of a
showing and they were all
standing in line and he went the hulk is green because he has gonorrhea or
whatever the fuck he
whatever the fuck he yelled out because they're all banging wonder woman is
this even the right
franchise um someone was trying to tell me that they've made 23 of these movies
23 of these movies just just for all you other people who just watch sports
like me
um just to give you a a a motive for how this guy turned a pack of awkward nerds
you could probably
walk up slap them in the head and take their popcorn and they wouldn't do
anything as long
as they held on to their movie ticket this guy found out what it was
it reminded me of a long time ago this guy ran for president that i voted for
and i can't even
remember his name um he was the guy that everybody blamed for the first george
bush for getting in
you know because everybody made the assumption that if you voted for this guy
then then if you didn't
vote for that guy you would have voted for al gore um forgetting the fact of
how horrific al gore was
all sweaty al you didn't laugh enough in the last debate you didn't smile and
then all of a sudden
you're just like ho ho ho ho ho looking like a robot um let me see here well
looking back that was
a era we should you know i don't give a if you're conservative i think we
should have gone al gore
you know then maybe we don't go to iraq and become bankrupt and have to give
champions of sports fast
food when they show up at the white house i'm probably oversimplifying all of
this but you know
i'm a man who just learned how long we've been on this planet so why why are
you listening to me
um all right what the am i talking about here yeah so this guy found the
fuck it so anyways they've been made 23 of these fucking movies so let's just
say the average movie
is 90 minutes two hours long okay these poor people standing in line had 46
hours
invested into this well wait we'll say 44 hours but plus the trap all the money
that they spent and this
was the final one and that fucking i wonder if he was even a fan
if he just went in like this was like some sort of like i mean that's like
something opie and anthony
would