Name: Monday Morning Podcast 5-6-19
Uploaded: 2019-05-06T21:49:36.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 5-6-19' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-05-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 5-6-19' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-05-06. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 5-6-19

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Barr and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday,
is it May 6th? Is today May 6th? I have no idea. I'm here with Joe Bartnick.
Joey B, what's going on?
Oh, just chilling out in Israel, man. It's insane, dude.
It's like we were in Europe for a week and it's like Europe's kind of like,
it's like America, but it's different and it's cool. Everyone's really nice.
And then, like, as we're landing, I see a guy watching videos of, like, bombs
going off in anti-aircraft.
And then, like, we landed. We're in Israel. We're in Israel.
It's like, dude, I'll let you explain it. We just had the most boss airport
experience ever.
Oh, yeah, when we landed here. First of all, thank God I don't watch the news
because, as always,
I guess things are a little, what do you call it? It's a little chippy.
Yeah. Things are getting a little chippy here.
The sticks are up. The sticks are up.
Sticks are up over here. So, yeah, we got to the airport and, you know, well,
dude, I don't know.
We're doing this. We're doing this, like, backwards.
We were in fucking Amsterdam the night before and went to a bar and smoked a
joint where they also served milkshakes.
So, I was sitting there, like, I don't, like, I'm not big on fucking smoking
weed.
I don't even think I do it right. Or I don't even realize when I'm high or
whatever, there's, like, this is a body high.
Like, this just gets you fucking right side high. I don't understand, like, any
of that shit.
You were so high, you ordered a strawberry milkshake and then you thought it
was vanilla and then you debated it and then you thought it was vanilla until
about halfway down.
You go, no, it's really strawberry.
Well, because it was so subtle. The thing was white. It was the color of
vanilla.
The strawberry shake where I'm from is fucking red or pinkish.
And I got the thing and I was sipping it. You know what it was? It was, like,
the frozen glob of it was where all the strawberry was.
So, when I got to the end, you know, when you get to the sort of the glacier
part of the milkshake, I was, like, oh, this does have some strawberry in it.
It literally did have a flake of red in it, though.
No. You know what was funny? It was fucking everybody in there was smoking and
was high and then we all got up to the counter and we were, like, we say to the
lady there, like, did you charge us yet?
And she's, like, I don't know. She's, like, trying to fucking figure it out.
And I'm, like, this is no way to run a business.
But the shows have been great and, uh, Joe, I gotta, I gotta give you, like, I've
never seen anybody fucking go come over here.
I've seen, you know, a lot of American comics. I've talked to a lot of American
comics.
They're all, like, are they gonna get my stuff? What do I talk about? Any
advice? And blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
I remember Verzi was, like, he was, like, going, like, dude, I know I'm gonna
take a couple of bad ones, but I'm gonna figure this out.
And, um, you know, he had to make adjustments. I had to make adjustments.
You're the only guy ever, you just came over here and you were Joe Bartnick.
You walked on stage, fucking murdered in Iceland, Iceland, Iceland, Iceland.
And then, uh, right through the toe. I was just like, this guy's, yeah, you're
as confident over, over here.
It took me 10 years to get where the hell you're at right now. So you've been
fucking killing everywhere.
Well, thank you. But, uh, basically, what else am I gonna do, Bill?
I'm gonna, these are the jokes I got. I gotta be confident with them.
I know, but you don't even, you didn't even doubt them. That's amazing. I think
it's, it's a great thing here.
I think it's scarier to be in just like a, you know, in a little club in
Hollywood or like an, you know, or somewhere. I don't know.
There's 3,000 people. Some of them are gonna laugh. Hopefully. Right.
Your fans are the best, dude. How great were they really? I mean, it was really
great shows.
Yeah. You know, you seemed, uh, you seemed, you really loved Helsinki, man.
That was your spot, huh?
Helsinki. Yeah. You know what's funny? Oslo looks like Pittsburgh, but it's
funny when we're walking through and Barang the Booker, great dude.
With super cigars. It was like, or Shandy, his, his, his buddy, uh, it works
with him. Another great dude.
He's like, this is the toughest part of Oslo. It looked like, it looked like,
it looked like, uh, Beverly Hills.
Yeah. It just seemed like there was a couple of drunks. It's weird. You know,
that Scandinavian language up there.
When people do yell at it, it does. All of that shit all sounds like a Nazi
guard to me. I'm like, ah, fuck. It's starting again.
But Helsinki was, Helsinki was awesome. I went down to the dog, got up like
five in the morning and walked in the, like a freezing rain.
It really was. It really was awesome. I had a meat pie. I felt like Anthony Bourdain,
like street food, talking to the dock workers.
That was fun.
Uh, got to hang out late night in Stockholm with some friends, drink to like
close down Stockholm. That was great.
The only rat I saw the whole time. And I, sweet. Literally, literally a rat,
not Marshawn.
No, Swedish women are tough. Walked right between her legs. Like nothing. Oh,
look, there's a rat. I was going to say like, yeah, almost walked into our
hotel.
He walked between and I wouldn't have been able to handle that. Yeah, it was
pretty tough, but, uh, fun. I tell you, I think Iceland was the craziest though.
Iceland was nuts. There was no dogs. It scared the shit out of me. I'm like,
there's no dogs. What do they do with the dogs? You know, I'm a dog. I've been
petting like every dog in Europe.
And last night we were, so cut to, we went to like, I was on the Baltic Sea or
the eight year, whatever sea was freezing in Helsinki last night, perfect
weather were in Israel smoking, smoking with the best stick ever.
Where the fuck? I don't even know what that was. Uh, Baltic seas between Sweden
and, uh, Finland, but I don't know what that body of water is. Let me look this
up here. I think I got a map here. I was trying to figure out all of this shit.
What, see, what the fuck did I just do?
What in God's name just happened? Do you know somebody, I got a, uh, Duff McKagan's
going to be doing my podcast, which I can't believe. So they send me a link to
his new fucking album. I swear. It just never works. It never fucking works. I
swear. Computers are like, they don't like me.
Well, well, like last night, I always, I always watch the hockey games. Think,
oh, okay. We're gonna watch the hockey game. Doing work. You have to redo your
password 30 times.
The, uh, wifi goes nuts here. Dwight. You know, it's amazing. Wifi is
everywhere.
Oh, that is all the Baltic sea. That is all the Baltic. Oh, we just circled the
Baltic.
Yeah. We circled the Baltic. You know what? I actually, we've been looking up
seas. Cause I was claiming the Mediterranean was the biggest and I feel the
greatest of all the seas.
I like all the Duke of the seas. Okay. Duke haters. I was like, you haven't
seen a game in Carolina country.
It was, it was neat though. Like, well, like, you know, like if you land, like
say you fly into Pittsburgh, you'll see like Cleveland, New York, Washington,
DC.
Literally when we land in Tel Aviv, Tel Aviv, the cities were Beirut, Cairo and
Alexandria.
I don't know if we, I don't know if we were like high enough up. I, I think we
were seeing, uh, when we were coming in.
No, cause they see how there's Beirut. It was like, yeah, dude, look at that on
the map, you know, fucking far away.
Yeah. But there's only so many cities they're gonna show, you know, if you're
like far enough up, you see like Dallas when you're in the middle of the
country.
No, dude, when I, when I, you mean, you're talking about when I was taking the
pictures when we were on final coming in?
No, no. Well, yeah. Well, you know how like the computers, they show you like
on the screen on the, on the, on the, on the, on the, on the, okay.
Yeah. I, I, I'm not saying I saw Lebanon. I thought you, that's what you were
saying.
I'm saying like they showed, you know, like approaching where you see like the
screen.
Yeah. That was coming in right over like the end of, I don't know, the most
Eastern part, obviously the Mediterranean sea.
And then just seeing that coast. And it's just like, Jesus Christ, we're in
Israel. So then we land. Right.
And, uh, dude, the only other person I ever saw get this fucking try. I saw Ben
Affleck was on my flight one time. Right.
I got on the plane. He was already on the plane, you know, and then when they
got off and I was sitting there going like, wow, this guy's just going to get
off.
Yeah. He's like a huge, huge, huge star. He's going to get mobbed. He has no
security person. And when he got off the plane, he just went right down with
the bags where they bring like, you know, 50, you had to check your carry on.
Cause there's no more overhead space. He went down that way. And they just
whisked him away to his amazing life. And, uh, when we got to, uh, Israel, they
did the, they gave us the same treatment.
I felt like an asshole. They walked us around all those people standing in line.
I thought somebody was going to say something and throw something at us. And,
uh, it was hilarious.
I saw this big fat Jewish dude who I swear to God looked like Joe DeRosa. Like
there was something about his eyes and it was fucking hilarious.
Um, it was like Ellis Island that we skipped.
Yeah.
It wasn't even a security line. It was like a massive humanity that we just
skipped, but we, they, yeah, they, I thought we were going right to the hotel.
Like we had to go back in the airport. We just skipped everybody by car.
Yeah.
We somehow went out onto the tarmac, got in a car and drove to the front of the
line of immigration.
This guy just walked past everybody handed our fucking all three of our passports
and they just stamped them.
And we walked through, it was just like, what the fuck was that was the
greatest thing ever.
So, um, yeah, and then we met the promoter and that's when I first learned that
there was some shit going down over here.
He goes, yeah, it goes, I was going to meet you here with the bulletproof vest
and a, uh, a helmet on.
And I was like, I was like, oh yeah.
And then he just looked at me, he goes, did you hear what's been going on over
here?
I was like, no.
Cause he goes, I'm sure you got a bunch of texts.
I'm like, no, I don't watch the news dude.
And he goes, ah, you know, they, he goes, they shot a couple rockets, you know,
in the, whatever from the, what, I don't know how the fuck it works.
The guys are stripped or something like that.
I read today it was 700.
Um, but, uh, it was big news.
Yeah.
I think like something happened in the Bruins game.
How many texts did you get?
Uh, yeah.
I had no idea.
Yeah.
So you just kept saying that.
I just jokingly said, dude, I played Camden, New Jersey.
I fucking survived that.
I think I'll be all right here.
So, um, anyways, this place is fucking magical, man.
Like, I don't think I've, uh, this is just, there's just something about, you
know, being along the Mediterranean Sea and all that and how old this place is
and all the history and all that type of stuff.
And, uh, I don't know.
I just hope I have a good show here tonight.
There's so much shit to talk about, but let's talk about seas, Joe.
I had to look them up cause we were like, it's the Mediterranean, the number,
the biggest sea out here and being sports fans, there always has to be a
ranking here.
Um, this is all body of water, biggest ocean Pacific, then Atlantic, then
Indian, then the Arctic.
We were, did we see the Arctic?
Were we on the Arctic?
No, no, no, no.
Arctic was, was on the other side.
Hey, let's look at the map.
We were really high up there.
I didn't realize how high up.
In Joe's world, high means far up north.
Yeah.
Well that's.
Nobody lives higher than Santa Claus.
There's the Norwegian Sea.
There's a