Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 5-9-19
Uploaded: 2019-05-09T17:14:56.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 5-9-19' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-05-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 5-9-19' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-05-09. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 5-9-19

hey what's going on it's bill burr it's time for the thursday afternoon just
before friday
monday morning podcast and i'm just checking in on you i'm just checking in on
you seeing
how your week's going huh making sure the celtics fans are fucking you just got
your
ass is whipped by the milwaukee bucks the boston slam is over um and there's a
lot of people that
are happy about that a lot of sports fans are happy about that and i'll ask you
this what does that say
about you as a person that that's where you get your joy in the failures of
others you know boston
could have used a sports pick me up we only won the world series in the super
bowl this past year
um i'm just fucking with you i do the same thing like i'm actually really upset
that um
well i guess it doesn't matter because the lakers aren't in it but i want kevin
durant to be totally
healthy and if the celtics aren't going to win it just anybody but the lakers
and uh but i think that
my hatred of the lakers is justified considering for whatever reason they get
to count a non-nba
title as an nba title um and i give it up to the lakers they are the most
successful team
in my lifetime sorry emptying shit because my laptop's full here emptying my
trash um they are
they're the most successful team they're fucking amazing and they were able to
transition from the
old school way right into the free agency way better than the celtics have so i'll
give them up on
that my only thing with them is uh take that fucking banner down
you know quit hitting off the ladies tees win all your championships in the nba
i think that that's
fair um but having said that i i didn't see a second of the um milwaukee bucks
series but i definitely um
i don't know i definitely kind of saw i didn't see us winning it this year i
was a little excited when we
when we swept the pacers but um we just couldn't get into a groove this year
just couldn't i don't
know what the fuck happened it's almost like i don't know it was like it was
like when you know
in music when they put together a a super band as they call it it's like we'll
get the bass player
from this huge band and we'll get the drummer from this band and blah blah and
all that type of shit
and you think that this thing's gonna sometimes it just doesn't work and i
think if you're a good
celtic fan get off the fucking internet and stop fucking pointing fingers till
you clean up your
own fucking life all right until you put your hatred of the lakers to bed like
me
no you you're not going to be doing the celtics any favor
by going on there and pointing the fingers and and point your finger at people
and saying a bunch
of negative shit um you know leave that to the to the analysts or whatever they're
going to say
enough but you don't need to fan the flames because what i'm worried right now
is what's
going to happen is everybody's going to trash kyrie irving blame him and then
he's going to go
sign with somebody else and he's going to have this fire in his belly and it's
going to come back to
harness so just you know whatever sometimes you ever see a somebody redo a car
and they just put too
much on it you know too many bells and whistles the rims don't you know should
have picked a different
ram or you didn't need this he didn't it's kind of like that was just a little
bit too much uh
too much mustard on the hot dog and i don't i just don't think there was room
enough
for the amount of creativity on that team that just wasn't enough touches for
everybody and people
started getting i don't know something happened i don't know what they just
couldn't get into the
flow but i do know that we have the best young coach in the nba and we also
have arguably one
of the best gms and danny ains so i believe what we're going to be able to fix
this thing but uh thank
you to the celtics for uh you know we came up short but it was still a great
year and congratulations to
your milwaukee bucks and uh i'd be lying to you as an nba fan to not say that
it isn't uh exciting to see
that team after all these years i mean i can't remember the last time they had
a nice run i imagine
something happened between sydney moncrief and uh janice
i i to it mostly to tupu whatever i can't say and take to tampo um since him
but um that is an
exciting team to watch uh whatever it's just it's good it's good when teams you
know
it's not good when just fucking new york boston and la are fucking doing
something in every goddamn
year it's it's just not good it's not good for the fucking league so i i root
for everybody else
and i am almost to the point now um where i'm letting go of my anger of like
like i just don't
i don't i don't i'm too old now i just i don't give a fuck all right i'm not
gonna sit here and
waste time and root against the fucking lakers even though it's just trashing
them the canadians
and the yankees like i don't give a fuck anymore um because no matter how much
i hate them it's not
going to change the result when they play the game so what the am i doing all
right god bless all of
them i root for the boston ones and if you beat us congratulations how about
that how's that for
enlightened here's a big question bill can you sustain it it's like i'm on an
emotional diet right now
which i need to go on a real diet after this i had one snickers bar in an
airport because
they were boarding and i didn't have time and i remember that advertisement
where they tried to act
like it was actually a decent replacement for a meal remember when snickers had
the balls to do that
it's packed with peanuts yeah surrounded by fucking the food version of heroin
sugar and i got back on
the sugar man i tied off i snorted the first one and then i shot there i ate
more goddamn candy and
dessert on the last four days of this fucking this trip and uh i came home
looking like i was
fucking getting ready to play santa claus on fucking the next christmas
holidays so i uh i got back
on it yesterday it's just it's just hard to eat well when you're on the road
but um
people keep the vegetarian meals coming in man um i'm gonna i'm gonna do like a
hybrid my version
um sort of like like the way a rich kid goes to the army you know what i mean i'm
gonna be a vegetarian
the way george w bush served his country i'm gonna be in the vegetarian
reserves and you know
not show up for a few days um now why pick on him i don't know because we're
fucking bankrupt after that
fucking yeah yeah how's our intelligence yeah it's damn good i would where's
that guy can he come out
and say so i another with 20 trillion in debt hey sorry about bankrupting your
entire futures
i don't know bartner kind of was talking to me about some like that he i was
kind of putting
the last two this one in the latin the one before us in perspective with what
they
fucking inherited it's a fucking shit show it's like a water main break broken
they get you walked in
there with a fucking wrench and a pair of rubber boots and you're supposed to
try and fix it i don't
i don't know what i don't know but that's too dark okay and i'm taking it on
the upswing here because i'll
tell you this i at this point i've been to almost i think i've been to 29
different countries 28 really
i went to the holy city too the holy sea which is considered its own fucking
country um
and uh the overwhelming thing that i have found is people are nice people uh
yeah they're just decent
walk around they're just fucking nice and all of this fucking shit that's going
on is the cunts at
the top because they want to control everything and i really gotta tell you
dude just don't
fucking watch the news i i literally went to israel not watching the news had
no idea
that hamas had shot like six seven hundred rockets i don't know if it's into
jerusalem or what
had no idea just landed there i mean people immediately gave me that
information but you
know people are fucking nice they're fucking nice and when i got outside my
hotel i saw some palestinian
people and they were peacefully protesting and it's just people are fucking
they're just nice they're
nice although there's fucking these are evil doers and these fucking people and
all these
fucking people blah blah but it's like no no no no no what it is is there's cunts
like you on
the other side of the fucking fence um smartest thing i ever did was i stopped
watching the news
i really did if you you know and i swear to god if i wasn't in this fucking
business i'd get off
social media if you got off so think imagine if you did this if you got off
social media you stop
watching the news all right and then you fucking i don't know start reading
you know watch you know i watched a really cool documentary watch this one
there's this documentary
this kid made he was trying to do a documentary with bill murray bill murray
never got to him then
he kind of realized other things or whatever but he was kind of investigating
all of these stories
about bill murray walking down the street and then just jumping in a kickball
game with random
people taking pictures and disappearing just kind of watch that thing the way
that guy or at least the way
they're presenting the way the dude lives his life it's pretty uh i don't know
maybe i was just stuck
on an airplane but it kind of affected me when i was watching it i actually
watched a bunch of great movies
um on the 12 hour flight before the four hour delay at a connecting flight
never connect
when you're traveling in international as you basically considering it's playoff
times let's get
to the x and o's you basically just increased your chances of a delayed flight
by 100 as you doubled
the amount of planes that you were taking and god damn it it happened um i do
want to give a shout
out to united airlines for making it happen i thought you know these guys were
up against it with by the
the time the delay was over everybody the stewardesses everybody had flight
attendants everybody was up
against it and they still went anyways we were supposed to get in at like um 10
15 la time we
finally got in at like 3 a.m and i basically spent 24 hours on planes and in an
airport and uh
it's just one of those things where it's so a 12 hour flight is so fucking long
you don't even give a
shit i just sit there as a cigar i stayed up for the entire thing too and i the
first thing i watched
was this bill murray documentary then i watched um let me make sure i get the
names of these movies right
i watched that jonah hill movie um is it mid 90s is that what it's called mid
90s
look at that full movie pay for that thing you cheap fuck mid 90s yeah
um jonah hill movie fucking love that movie great movie incredible performances
i love the writing and
all of that and um i was like man this must got great reviews or whatever and i
looked it up
and so much of the shit was about the language the harsh language that was used
and all of that
shit i just don't know i don't understand when they decided to treat every
moviegoer out there
like they're a child
you know what i mean i remember watching roots when i was a kid they didn't
have this big thing
now there's gonna be a lot of uh harsh things that you're gonna see here
you know if roots came out now i think they would literally be like you know is
is that is that the
right thing to put out now is this gonna start slavery again it's just like
this is the way people
talked that the title of the movie is literally called mid 90s is that 1890s i
don't understand just
watch the movie it was like i was really blown away by um the performances too
and i also love the ending
which is the hardest thing to land um is the third act without doing some sort
of thing that people can
see they can see the end coming or something like that it was just a phenomenal
movie
so congratulations to jonah hill and everybody else that was in it the acting
the actors in it were just
it was so great man i'd really love that movie all right and then next up i saw
i watched uh on the
waterfront and finally paid attention because i had to incredi