Name: Monday Morning Podcast 5-13-19
Uploaded: 2019-05-13T17:57:33.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 5-13-19' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-05-13. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 5-13-19' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-05-13. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 5-13-19

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday Morning Podcast
from Monday, May 13th, 2019.
What's going on? And as the kids say, how are ya?
They don't say that. What do they say? What's crack-a-lackin'?
Um, sorry. Is there anything worse than when an old white guy tries to sound
like a young white guy trying to sound like a black guy?
Is there anything worse? Bill, I think there's a lot worse if you pay attention
to the news.
That's my point. That's my fuckin' point.
Ba-dow, ba-dow. I'm playing, um, I'm playing I'm Broken tonight at the goddamn
Comedy Jam, Pantera song.
I mean, fuckin' Josh Adam Meyers. That fuckin' song, it fits in with a lot of
shit that you want to say, you know?
Like, how we came up with playing that song was, he was going to, uh, he was
talking about it.
He goes, I got this tour going out for the troops. I'm gonna be here, gonna be
here, gonna be there.
And then he was trying to say Abu Dhabi, and we was fuckin' it up, and then we
figured out how to say it, and I had been listening to that I'm Broken song.
So we were going, ah-ba-dabba-doo-ee, ah-ba-dabby, ah-ba-dabba-dee-doo, right?
And then it just continued on. Where are you tonight? I'm at the Downtown
Comedy Club.
Downtown Comedy Club. Downtown, downtown. Downtown Comedy Club.
Ba-ba-ba-dabba-dab-dab. Um, sorry. If you don't know the fuckin' song, you're
probably like, what are you talkin' about right now?
Well, you know, fuck you, alright? I'm entitled to have a little fuckin' left
turn every once in a while.
Um, I have this weird thing where I'm really in a great mood. It's really early.
I'm knocking this out.
I'm in a fantastic mood, but at the same time, I think I got bit by a fuckin'
pack of spiders or something.
Dude, my left foot is as red as my fuckin' beard.
They got me there. They got me in the back of my thigh, my left thigh, fucked
up my right side, and then the inside of my old, yet shapely, left bicep.
And then they got me on the fuckin' right arm.
Oh my god.
And it's one of those things where it's just, it's just this 30% level of itching.
And you try to ignore it, and you try to ignore it, and then when you give in,
ugh!
It's ecstasy for like three seconds, and then whatever you scratch it, it just
goes on fire.
And then you just gotta lay there.
Ugh! That's what I'm doin', you know?
I didn't wanna wake up my wife, so, you know.
I think technically, I think technically it's still Mother's Day.
Shout out to all the strong, uh, independent moms out there, you know, holding
it down.
Or whatever the fuck they say, you know what I mean?
I had a great Mother's Day yesterday.
I did.
I, uh, went out, you know, my wife was like, I want a lot of flowers.
I want flowers, just a bunch of flowers.
That's what I want.
And in my head, I'm like, you have to stop watching the Kardashians.
Do you understand that they have people, honey?
Okay?
There's, there's like, it's a set.
All right?
All right?
And they buy a thousand dollars worth of flowers, and the second it's fucking
over, they all
get five thousand dollars for promoting that flower company, and then they take
that flower
thing, and they, they, they take it down to the hospital, and they surprise one
patient
with dysentery, right?
Hopefully, they're not claustrophobic, because the amount of flowers they have,
it's really
just going to bear, fill up the guy's room.
All right?
So, you know what?
I went out, and I got the flowers.
I'm a trooper.
I was like, I'm not going out and getting a million fucking flowers.
By the way, I was on the other side of the world fucking five, six days ago,
right?
So here I am, now I'm in a fucking flower shop, and they're like, what can I do
for you?
It's like, what do you mean, what can you do?
It's fucking Mother's Day on Sunday.
You know what you can do for me.
Help me out!
Give me an arrangement there, sweetie.
Um, a couple of bouquets, all right?
Bouquet, bouquet, I don't know what the fuck it is.
Vases, the whole fucking thing.
So now, it's like, I can't bring them in, and I got them in the trunk of the
fucking car.
You know?
I go over to the fucking Rite Aid, which, you know, three, four, two days
before Mother's
Day is fucking wrong aid over there, when you're trying to find a fresh fucking
card.
Every card's been picked up, sniveled on, fucking red.
None of them are in the right area, so you can't find an envelope to fit the
fucking card.
I swear to God, if I ran a goddamn drugstore, two things I would do.
One, every night, I'd have some pimple-faced kid get over to the cards and get
them back
where they fucking belong, all right?
I might even hire a fucking 80-year-old security guard just to watch people
with the cards just
so you can be like, ah, it doesn't go there.
Hey, you kids, put it back in the right place.
And then, then I would get some fucking ice cream that's of a higher level for
these fucking
cute old people that always come in there.
You know what I mean?
They always come in there, and they got their disposable phones that they
finally filled up.
And they come in there trying to get the film developed, and it just doesn't
exist anymore.
And as their little cute, you know, greatest generation bottom lip starts
fucking quivering,
you hit them up with some ice cream.
Some good ice cream.
Not that shit that has the sandy aftertaste like they have there.
Is there anything cuter than when you're in one of those typical long fucking
lines at a drugstore?
Dwayne Reed, CVS, Rite Aid, because they run a fucking skeleton crew, you know?
There's always, like, there's fucking, like, nine registers, and there's always,
like, one person up there.
It's like, what are the other ones for?
It's fucking just like back in the day when you'd go see a band, and they'd
just have a wall of Marshall stacks,
and only one of them was on.
The others are just cabinets.
They didn't even have fucking anything in them.
That's my thing.
I don't even, I think, out of the fucking eight cash registers at a drugstore,
all right,
I think only, like, three of them work.
I love when there's a super fucking long line, and one of the cashiers is like,
can I get some fucking assistance up here on the fucking line, please?
Right?
And you're like, good.
Somebody's going to come up here and fucking get on it.
And you're just the most lethargic, like a toddler, when the kid doesn't want
to go to bed,
just comes fucking walking up, no sense of urgency, no nothing.
And you're just like, you know what?
You fucking suck.
One of the worst fucking things that you can do is hate your job and then make
other people pay for it.
It's not my fucking fault this is where your life is right now.
Jeez, you know, I learned that as a comedian.
It's not my fault only five fucking people showed up.
So now I'm going to lean on the mic stand and not even fucking try.
I'm going to give you five people a fucking show.
Right?
It's called being a professional.
All these fucking dickheads, they're all on fucking Instagram, seeing all this
shit,
all this fucking workout stuff and, you know, workout goals, relationship goals
and all of that shit.
You fucking idiots, man.
How the fuck are you going to get to that if you can't handle the most basic
job?
You don't even have to punch in the numbers anymore.
You just hold them in front of a scanner.
It's so fucking easy.
They're teaching the customers how to do your goddamn job.
Oh, don't get me started.
By the way, fuck New York City's airports.
I'm going to eat a Thanksgiving dinner before I fucking go to the airport out
there from here on out.
Every goddamn fucking place you go, I got a banana and I got to figure out how
to fucking scan a banana.
Then there's people behind the counter.
They're not even looking at you.
I was so fucking pissed.
I went to like four fucking places and everyone had one of those self-checkout
things.
And I'm a little embarrassed that I did this, but I was so fucking mad.
Even though I've been working on my temper.
I was just like, this is like fucking ridiculous.
And I fucking squeezed the banana.
You know, and if you watch the Discovery Channel, you'll see no more animals on
it.
Whatever, Animal Planet, National Geographic, the White Trash Channel.
And when you're looking at animals, right?
And you know, some gorilla could have ate that fucking thing.
The other night, my lovely wife put on this nature show, right?
She goes, you should watch this.
This is amazing.
And we were watching it.
It was amazing.
I was like, I can't watch these fucking shows.
Because inevitably, it comes to the unbelievably fucking jaw on the ground
depression of what we've done to nature and what the fuck is coming.
You know?
Do you realize how fucking pathetic and ridiculous it is that we're actually
giving news time to people getting offended by stand-up comedy jokes?
He said that joke at a show I wasn't at.
I was offended.
Really?
We're losing like fucking half the fucking rainforest, it seems like, every
goddamn fucking year.
It gets halved again or whatever.
You know?
What is your problem?
I'm really waiting for that day.
The day somebody on the corporate end just stands up to these fucking idiots.
Anyway, so we were watching this one thing about this fucking bird, man.
And it's hilarious.
Like these birds, they gotta like, they gotta, they always gotta, the birds are
big into showing off.
You know?
I think the female birds, I think birds in general, they're very shallow.
They're like the fucking Jersey Shore, growing up gaudy of the animal kingdom,
is birds.
Because so much of their shit is like the males, they fucking puff out their
chest.
Oh, look at my fucking colors over here.
And then like the birds are sitting there.
Oh my God, look at that one.
I bet he's packing some fucking meat over there, right?
So anyway, they got this one bird, this black bird.
The fucking thing, first of all, it tidies up its whole area in the forest.
When I say tidy up, I mean not a twig, not a fucking branch.
It was immaculate.
I remember looking at, I was watching that thing like, I could fucking live
with that bird.
All right?
Because one of the big things I hated when I was, when I was a single man, was
living with other guys.
Like, I never, I never understood that whole, there were guys, I got a pizza
crust in the cushion.
Pick it up.
Do the fucking dishes.
Fucking animal.
Oh man, I swear to God, if you're a fucking single guy right now, I fucking prided
myself on that.
Some woman came over, my clothes were folded, they were fucking ironed.
The place smelled good.
It looked good.
Wow, what do you have, a service?
No, I'm an adult.
Now get over here and undo my 501 blues.
Sorry, it was a long time ago.
501 blues were all the fucking rage a long time ago.
Oh, wait a minute.
I think my foot is, it's not as red as it was yesterday.
Red, dead, red, dead redemption.
Anyway, the fuck am I talking about?
Talking about all the birds.
So this bird cleans up the whole area in the forest.
All right.
And then when I tell you this fucking thing, put on a fucking soul train
fucking, I don't
know what you'd call it.
This, and this fucking bird was watching, like it would, it could make all
these different
shapes.
I've never seen anything like it.
Like it started off, it like put both of its wings, like up, up in front of its
head.
Nia swore to God, it took like a big, like inhale and exhale before it started.
Like, like, okay, gotta get some pussy, right?
And it fucking brings its, it's, it's, uh, both its wings up in front of its
face, like
a vampire.
And then it just slams the wings down and fucking puffs up its chest.
Like it was in, like, it looked like a dance move in like that Rhythm Nation,
Janet Jackson
video, right?
The bird was like, I miss you much.
Oh, I miss you much.
Right?
This fucking thing.
You can't believe.
And it was spinning around.
I got to find out.
I got to, I have to find this fucking clip.
And then in the end, right?
And then the female bird's looking down like, oh my God, look at him.
He