Name: Monday Morning Podcast 5-27-19
Uploaded: 2019-05-28T17:56:29.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 5-27-19' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-05-28. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 5-27-19' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-05-28. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 5-27-19

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday, May 27th, 2019.
What's going on? How are ya?
I am on the road, and I forgot my fucking recorder, so I had to go out and go
buy a new one.
I can't figure this one out. I bought the Olympus LS100, and you can plug a
microphone into the bottom of it,
but I'll be goddamn if I can figure out how to use it.
So, there'll probably be a lot of extra noise here. I'm trying to avoid it.
I should probably set the thing down. I don't know. I'm just using it like a
microphone, so I hope this doesn't sound too bad.
Anyway, I am here in New York City here for the summer.
I got an acting gig out here. You know, I've been saying I've been growing a
playoff beard, but I'm not.
I got to have a fucking, you know, I got to have a mustache for this role, you
know.
Unfortunately, they're not going to fucking glue one on, so I've been growing
one,
and I just didn't want to walk around with just the mustache. You know what I
mean?
I figure if I had the full beard, it's the NHL playoff time, and then also, you
know,
if you just saw me with the mustache all the time, then you saw me on screen,
you'd be like,
oh, that's just that douche from the podcast.
But if you never really saw me with just the mustache, walking around as myself,
when you go see the movie, you'd be like, well, who is this guy?
Who is this person that has piqued my interest?
I'm just fucking with you.
Anyways, tonight, game one of the Stanley Cup final.
Not the Stanley Cup finals.
It's the NBA finals.
But it's the Stanley Cup final.
There's only one of them.
That's what they tell me.
There's only one NBA finals, but it's still called the finals.
I don't know.
Who the fuck knows?
All I know is it's going down tonight, and the place where I'm staying,
the cable is not working, so I have to go out to a bar.
To try and watch this thing.
I just don't feel like anybody's going to give a shit here,
so maybe I'll be able to get the game on and got to go out to a bar,
even though old fucking Billy Red Fuzzface has not had a drink in six months.
I'm on the other side.
Six months and two days.
There's more sand in the bottom of the glass, the hourglass, than in the top.
I'm running downhill now.
I'm in New York City right now, if I didn't mention.
I forget if I did or not.
But this is a hard city to not drink in.
And last night, I decided I was just going to do a bunch of sets, right?
So I started off at the Comic Strip.
You know, that was the first club that passed me way back in the day
when I moved here in 1995.
And then I was going to go to Dangerfields, and then New York Comedy Club,
and then down to the cellar.
That was the deal.
So I went down, and I did the comic strip.
And the stage is now against a different wall, which I never knew.
That's where the original stage was.
I had no idea.
And when Seinfeld made his special, he asked if they would put the stage back.
They're like, absolutely.
So that was kind of cool, because there's a bunch of old photos in that club
of, like, Eddie Murphy on drums while Joe Piscopo's on, like, the microphone
or whatever, and all these guys from back then.
And I used to always think that I was standing on the same stage as them.
And I wasn't, and I'm still not, but at least I'm in the same area.
So I thought that that was pretty cool.
And let's see.
Then I went, and I had a good set.
Didn't have a great set, but tried out this new shit.
Then I went to Dangerfields, and that did not go well at all.
Didn't go well at all, and I had the classic, you know, white girl
in her fucking 20s or whatever, just hating all my abortion material,
even though I said that I was pro-choice.
I didn't understand it.
So then she got mad, and, you know, I was in a good mood,
and the whole fucking thing escalated, and then she fucking stormed out,
which isn't what I want to have happen.
So I was so bummed out that it went that bad at Dangerfields
because I just fucking bombed, right?
I was with a friend of mine, and they were like,
where do you want to go next?
I was just like, you know, I don't give a fuck.
I'm so fucking sick of everybody making, you know.
This person was literally in the crowd going, switch subjects, switch subjects.
Nobody here cares.
Nobody wants to hear this.
And I was just like, why are you acting like you're speaking for the whole
crowd?
Granted, nobody was laughing, but, like, you know, shut up.
You didn't hire me, okay?
This isn't a private show, and you're paying me,
and you told me what the fuck I could and couldn't talk about.
You decided to go to comedy.
I'm telling you, man, if you're really a super sensitive person, don't go to
comedy shows.
That's what they have musicals for.
They turned Beetlejuice into a musical, right?
There was Mamma Mia for a while.
There was Cat's Meow, right?
Go see that shit.
You won't be offended.
Why didn't they use real cats?
Why are people dressed like cats?
Were cats dressed like people?
I was triggered.
So my friend talked to me, and, ah, come on, keep going.
So then I went on to the New York Comedy Club.
This is what's crazy about stand-up.
I do the exact same material in fucking murder.
Murder.
And then, ah, last, then I went down to the, ah, then I feel good about myself
again.
Um, and then, ah, I ended up at the Comedy Cellar.
And, ah, I did, I ended up doing a spot down there.
And, ah, you know, and then it went, I had a good set there.
Best set was probably at the New York Comedy Club, but I'm just going to keep
working this shit while I'm here.
It's kind of cool.
I get to do, like, this acting gig out here and also put together my new hour.
And it's looking like my new special is going to be coming out sometime, I don't
know.
If I had to guess, I'd say late summer.
But I have not gotten any official word from, ah, um, Netflix.
I haven't got any word yet.
Um, so that's basically what I've been doing.
My cigar smoking is off the rails.
All right?
As far as, like, you know, my drinking, I got that totally under fucking
control.
And, um, so my thing now, you know, you just replace a vice with a vice, which
is a hard fucking thing.
So, I mean, I must have, from that European trip, Iceland, all the way through
to Tel Aviv and the rest of the month.
I mean, I probably smoked 15 cigars this fucking month.
It's disgusting.
So, um, I'm laying off of those things now.
So now I'm off those.
I don't drink.
I don't watch porn anymore.
I'm not fucking smoking cigars.
I'm not totally laying off cigars.
But I'm just, I'm taking it easy for the rest of the month here.
We're going to regroup, you know?
I'll smoke one on my birthday or something like that.
I don't know what.
But, um, I don't know.
It's just like such a, once you fucking, that Pandora's boxing, man, once you
fucking do shit like that, it's really hard to, like, go back to being, like,
you know what's so fucked up?
It's like when you were a kid, you were, you were, you were a straight edge.
Like, I didn't really start going out drinking, drinking.
I mean, I had a few sips of a beer here or there.
Maybe snuck one out of my dad's stash in the fridge.
A Stro's, I believe, used to drink back in the day.
But, like, the first time, like, I went out drinking with, you know, underage
kids, you know, in high school, I was, like, 17.
So, basically, for the first 17 years of my life, I was stone sober.
Straight edge.
No cigars, no booze, no pot cookie, none of that fucking shit.
And I was fine.
And then, all of a sudden, you have a few drinks, and you're, like, oh, this
feeling.
This is fucking great, as you're doing damage to yourself.
So, then, the thing, the hard fucking thing is, it's easy to be a straight edge
if you never fucking did anything.
But, once you do shit, to then go back to that, you know, I have, you know, I
like to think I have really good willpower.
But, man, it is fucking hard.
Because now I think, like, all right, well, I'm not drinking.
So, I got to get some sort of a buzz, something, you know.
So, then I just start smoking too many fucking cigars.
And then I'm drinking soda, because I like having soda with the fucking cigars,
with, you know, the sugar, with the fucking smoke, you know.
And then, all of a sudden, I drink, you know, I start drinking, but now I drink
fucking root beers, like they're going out of style, and fucking, and I'm
smoking cigars.
It's like, what am I doing?
So, you know, now I have to go back to being fucking Billy Boredom here.
Old, bored, Billy, the pasty cunt, because I got this fucking movie, and I got
to stay in shape, you know.
All these fucking actresses out there, bitch-moaning and complaining, oh, God,
it's so much fucking art.
Everybody in this business, you got to watch your fucking weight.
So, now, that's it.
I got fucking green beans, and beets, and fucking, what else did I get in there?
I got one other fucking little box of no excitement in the fridge.
Hummus.
Broccoli.
Lean turkey patties.
I mean, it's just like, I mean, it's just, it's the food equivalent to how
funny this podcast has been so far.
Oh, Bill, why would you shit on yourself?
Anyway, but the game one starts tonight.
I'm going to go find a bar where I can go watch this thing, and I got to tell
you, man,
I don't like how much people are confident about the Bruins.
I don't think that people are giving the Blues their respect.
I think the people on TV are doing enough that they're trying to sell the
series so people will sit down and watch it.
But these fucking St. Louis Blues are a problem.
I am not taking them lightly whatsoever.
They are big, they are fast, and they don't look fucking intimidated or
anything.
They're just fucking mowing people down.
So I think it's going to be a very tough series.
A friend of mine who really knows sports tried to claim Bruins in six, and that
made me feel good because he's usually right.
But I am, I don't know, I'm oddly nervous like I'm playing, you know.
I don't even play pickup hockey anymore.
I'm so fucking busy.
Why am I nervous about this hockey game?
Oh, because they represent the city that I grew up outside of.
And this means something to me, you know.
So I'll be watching that thing tonight.
We'll see.
I don't know much about the Blues.
I know everybody on their first line.
I just was, when I was watching, when they played San Jose, it's just, I don't
know.
It seems like the West is bigger and stronger to me.
But we shall see.
But we have the core veteran group that has already won one.
Marshawn, Bergeron, Chara, and Craigie.
And I think that really helps our team and gives us an advantage.
And I'm hoping that, I'm hoping we fucking win the thing.
All right.
Congratulations to Lewis Hamilton, winning the F1 there in fucking Monaco.
I didn't see a second of that because my fucking cable is out.
But I don't know.
He won the pole position.
So I figured, all right, well, that's going to be a boring race.
And then I heard it was exciting because he had a nurse's tires to the end.
But there's no way to pass on that track.
I don't know what.
I'm missing fucking everything.
But Friday night when I first came here, a good friend of mine from way back in
the day, I used to do shows with him all the time.
Talent had his show.
You know, I was just looking up to see what comics I still knew and where the
fuck they
were.
And so I took the train uptown to go see him at Caroline's.
I used to open for him all the time back in the day.
And then we just had a great time.
And he fucking ended up putting me on a show.
And, dude, I opened up with the Michael Jackson bit in front of an all black
crowd.
And I'll tell you, I can't remember the last time I lost a crowd like that.
Jeez.
I mean, it was so fucking silent in there.
The joke became how stunned I was that I lost him.
And then I ended up killing again by talking about how bad I was doing.
And they really did not want to hear my take on that documentary.
So at that point, then I was bombing so bad.
I was like, fuck it.
Then I 