Name: Monday Morning Podcast 7-1-19
Uploaded: 2019-07-01T16:54:28.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 7-1-19' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-07-01. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 7-1-19' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-07-01. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 7-1-19

All right.
Hey, what's going on?
It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning Podcast for Monday, July 1st,
2019.
Oh, my God.
Where is the summer going?
I am here with the always wonderful, the always lovely Justin Long, who does
arguably the
most favorite character on F is for Family, Kevin Murphy.
Hey, before we get into that, and I put you on the spot.
Dildo.
Yeah.
Freaking Dildo.
This is surreal for me, because I've listened to almost every episode, and I-
I know, you are.
You are a big fan of this podcast.
I'm a big fan of the show, yeah.
I'm going to try to tone it down a little bit.
I don't want to come on-
No, no, it's all right.
But I'm a big fan, so it's weird to hear you even go, welcome to the Monday
Morning Podcast.
It's weird to even hear you do the introduction.
Yeah.
That's why I don't video it.
Oh, oh.
I like to keep a mystery.
Yeah.
All right?
I just got-
Like Cher, where is she?
That's right.
She's in Malibu.
It would be like if I woke up in bed with Cher, and I saw behind the-
Cher's still hot.
Cher was fucking smoking when I was a kid.
I got you, babe.
Hey, let me read this here.
Please let the listeners-
Okay, I did a live podcast from Phoenix, Arizona, in front of a crowd.
No edits.
Will be posted on my YouTube channel this week.
Please subscribe to the Monday Morning Podcast on the YouTube page.
And you can follow at the MM Podcast and at Bill Burr on Twitter for tour
updates and new videos.
I got a couple of new tour dates here.
I'm going to be at Foxwoods Resort and Casino in Connecticut on August 11th,
and I'll be doing the Cosmopolitan in Las Vegas on December 21st.
Justin, I'm actually going there in September to do a date because I want to
see Elton John because I believe him when he says he's going to retire.
Oh, is that what he says?
I think this is the last one.
It's getting there.
He's been saying that for a while?
No, everybody else says it all the time.
Yeah.
Everybody always-
Fakes out.
Well, there they go.
This is the last one.
This is-
It's like the Brett Favre of singer-songwriters.
Yeah.
Like, I saw The Who in 89, like, seven years after their first farewell tour.
And I paid to see them because it was like, dude, you don't know.
You don't know if these guys are going to be back.
Well, that's why I'd like to see The Stones because it's also just a fact of
nature.
They might not.
I mean-
They might.
Somebody might die.
Somebody might die.
I mean-
How old are they?
They're pushing like 80, right?
They're all-
They're-
Yeah.
I think they're close to me.
You want to hit-
I was reading-
Like, hard 80.
Like, that's like an old 80.
Keith Richards.
Keith is-
But Keith doesn't go as hard as everybody thinks.
Oh, really?
Keith went hard in the 70s, and then that was it.
He got labeled as that guy.
Like, I don't think-
He still smokes a lot, though.
He smokes.
And I don't know.
I don't know what else.
And he has like a glass of wine or whatever, but I don't-
He doesn't like-
You physically can't fucking do it.
You can't do it.
Yeah.
You can't do it.
I hate that, but I've gotten to that age.
Like, my new drug now is eight hours sleep.
It's my favorite thing ever.
Oh, my God.
Well, this is my-
I mean, I got a physical the other day.
My doctor said-
I can't believe we're talking about this.
My doctor-
Because I'm 41 now, so I felt-
You're 41, you fucking asshole.
You look like you're 22.
Flat stomach, full head of hair.
Oh, my.
I thought you were like 31.
You got a flat stomach.
No, I don't.
You-
So you shave your head.
And why do you think that is, Justin?
Because I have beautiful locks.
Well, I'm just wondering-
When's the last time you tried to grow it in?
I'm wondering how much it could grow.
I got the-
I got the thing in the back.
It's thin in the back, and I don't know what else.
At some point, you just got to take control of it.
I think Travolta-
Travolta did that recently.
He finally did?
I think he just started-
I think he did.
I can't imagine-
Like, the world of toupees.
Like, how hot your fucking head gets.
Especially now, like a day like this.
Can you imagine?
And I've seen a couple.
Bill and I were just walking-
We were wading through-
How would you even-
How would you say-
How would I describe the humanity out there?
We are fucking idiots.
We are like right in the crosshairs of the gay pride parade.
We were supposed to meet on Friday.
Something happened where you weren't going to get here in time.
So I was like-
I took a bus.
I took a bus from the Berkshires in Massachusetts.
And I figured, oh, the bus will arrive roughly around the time it says it will.
And we're supposed to get in at 2.30.
Right.
2.25.
And it got in at 5.05.
Mm-hmm.
That's what time the bus arrived.
Oh, my God.
Isn't that nuts?
Stuck in traffic.
Well, that's why I don't take buses anymore.
Yeah, well, I should have known.
If it was like a booze one, you could like drink.
Well, I don't drink anymore.
But anyways, yeah, so we're fucking down here right in the middle of the gay
pride parade.
And I was joking with you.
Like, when I'm home on my couch in air conditioning, I am the most liberal
person ever.
You get me out in the fucking sun.
And I was literally like, these people are against God.
Because you can't move.
They should all be eliminated.
No, it was just.
We're in hell.
No, what it was, it wasn't all the gay people.
It was all the cops not knowing where they could tell you to cross.
Exactly.
And the, and the ally, the quote unquote, the people who are doing it for the
day, who
are buying the rainbow flag.
Oh, the ally.
$20 from the vendors.
It's all become so weirdly monetized.
And look, there's no, I was saying to you, there's nobody I like more than, I
think maybe
my favorite demographic are gay people.
I'd love, I think I'd prefer them to strip.
You like the gays?
I like the, I like cigar smokers.
Cigar smoking gays or cigar smoker, any sexuality?
I don't give a shit.
I don't want you.
Cigar smokers are cool.
They're just chilling, it's quiet, it's smoky, but it's fucking quiet.
And they're all like characters and, uh.
They're like Scorsese characters.
They're sort of like, uh, I don't know.
There's just something about it where, uh, you're, you're an old man in a cool
way.
You know what it is?
Maybe there's an ease to them.
There's a patience to them because you got to be patient to smoke one of them.
You don't huff them down.
Right.
I think when you're early on, you don't know what you're doing.
Like I had a buddy of mine.
I'd give him like a Cuban cigar and he would tell me later he smoked it like
right outside
the comedy club.
It's like, you know, near the dumpster.
That's where you did it.
It's like smoking a cigar is an event.
You sit down, you chill, nice chair.
There's a game on, you have a nice drink.
And then the conversation because, because this cigar, because the thing that
that's holding
you there, okay, is so enjoyable versus that parade, which was a total inhibiting
what
the fuck we were trying to do.
Like if I was sitting on, on a, on like a balcony watching that parade, I would
have the time
of my fucking life.
That's what we were saying.
We should get drinks after just sitting.
Trying to get through it is a completely different thing.
Well, because they don't let you go east, west.
All these streets are shut down, right?
So every street you go to, there's a barrier.
And I was also thinking the amount of money they must be spending, the money
that the city
must be spending on cops, on the fucking barriers.
Yeah, there's like, there's three major, but this is also, it's, it's, the way
they were
billing it was, this is sort of the world's pride parade.
Oh, okay.
Okay.
So that's what it is.
This is like the Superbowl of gays.
So what does that make us?
And we, we came in like the non-sports fans who also happened to go to New
Orleans because
they wanted to try the fucking fried chicken or something down there or go down
to Bourbon
Street.
And it was a bunch of meathead sports fans.
We're like foodies who heard about one particular restaurant on Bourbon Street.
Yeah.
We're doing a travel show.
No, I'll tell you what's, what's fun.
Talking about sports and shit is, is gay as that pride parade is.
That is not the gayest thing that's going on right now.
I actually argue.
I've done gayer things this week.
The gay, the gayest thing right now that's going on is the NBA off season.
Yeah.
They should have like a flamboyant, like, I'm talking like 80s sitcom.
Lovell gay guy reading the off season.
Like, did you hear that Kyrie is talking to KD on a boat and they're all going
to end up
in New York, honey.
That's the rumor.
Don't hold me to it.
It's so fucking gay.
It's, it's so far.
It's, it's like Falcon Crest.
I can't, if I was running major league baseball, I'd be like, how the fuck do
we compete with
this?
Yeah.
There's all of this shit.
They're all getting together and they're talking and they're just.
LeBron and Anthony are finally back together.
He can't wait to pass the ball underneath to Anthony Davis.
It's true.
There's a lot of drama.
There's a lot of, uh, bitching and, uh, it's funny.
The first thing all started with Kobe and the fucking Lakers.
They started, they started this bullshit.
I never remember this when I was a kid.
I was such a big basketball fan growing up.
I don't remember.
It's the pile on team.
Uh, they did it.
They got Shaq.
Then they got Phil Jackson and, and, you know, and then he, then, and then Kobe,
his whole
career demanded like a fresh, he was like an emperor every three years.
You had to bring, you had to bring a fresh new batch of fucking free agents in.
So then they would just win a championship after championships.
And then the Celtics did it.
We did it in 2008 with the big three.
Yeah.
Well, that's why I'm glad the Raptors won.
And then Miami did it.
And then, uh, everyone's trying to do it.
Now then golden, golden state.
They, ah, they did it with KD.
KD piled on, but like they also, they're, they're a weird hybrid where there
was an incredible
draft with Steph and Clay and all of them.
Those guys, they all got drafted in the, in the, yeah, as far as I know, I'm a
little
out of my element here with the NBA, but as far as I know, those guys all
became stars
there.
It wasn't like they, they made their bones somewhere else.
And then, you know, went cashed in and went out there.
Then they became a juggernaut.
And, and in the middle of all of that was the Spurs that just did it the old
school way
passing the ball.
Yeah.
Like I think the greatest player of that era wasn't Kobe, it was Tim Duncan,
but everybody
would, but he wasn't, uh,
it wasn't flashy.
He was just such a down and did the job.
He was going glass.
What did they call him?
He was beating you like your dad.
Your dad would fucking beat you with that turnaround off the glass.
And silently.
It must've been so frustrating.
He wouldn't.
Yeah.
When he retired, he just retired.
Yeah.
Uh, you know, he didn't then make a documentary and win an Oscar.
He just sort of, he just sort of left.
Neil Brennan's got a great line about Kawhi Leonard who reminds me a little bit
of that.
I mean, that, uh, mentality, you know, uh, Neil Brennan's got a line about Kawhi
Leonard
where he goes, he's like, Kawhi Leonard seems like his, he's the kind of guy
whose family
doesn't even know he plays in the NBA.
He just like, he's just like, all right, I'm going out to work.
And a couple hours later he comes home and he's like, what's for dinner?
That's why he's so bad-ass.
And I, I, that's why, and everybody on Instagram, I'm acting like he's a robot
and he doesn't
have any feelings.
It's like, no, okay.
He could ramp it up, but the rest of you could dial it down because I got to
tell you that
fucking bullshit in sports now where anytime you do anything, you turn and you
look at
the crowd and yell like you're, like you're in 300.
I love it.
Yeah.
I love it.
And you're yelling at a dad who's there with this four-year-old kid.
And then of course, if, if you don't catch the pas