Name: Bill Burr | the Monday Morning Podcast Live 10-26-18
Uploaded: 2019-07-08T17:11:07.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr | the Monday Morning Podcast Live 10-26-18' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-07-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr | the Monday Morning Podcast Live 10-26-18' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-07-08. Transcript available.

Bill Burr | the Monday Morning Podcast Live 10-26-18

All righty. All righty. I'm not going to lie to you, I've gotten better intros
in my life.
Jesus Christ, that was the most fucking anti-climactic.
Hey, welcome to this venue with four walls and a ceiling, so it has to pay
property tax.
It's like the fucking interview. That's like the intro I used to get at college
gigs.
When they'd have some fucking student go up there.
They'd say your fucking name first.
You're supposed to say the name last.
Hey, fuck it. Please welcome Billy Fuckhead, right?
They wouldn't do that. They'd start it off.
They'd just go, hey, a comedian, his name is Titus Bill Burr, VH1, and here he
is.
They just walk on to nothing.
I'm supposed to be ignoring you guys like you're not fucking here.
This is supposed to be the podcast. It's supposed to be in my goddamn bedroom.
You guys, it's supposed to be the fucking chatter in my goddamn head.
We'll see how long this works.
How long you guys can stare at somebody laying on a leather couch, talking to
themselves.
I think this was from the Porno Hall of Fame, by the way.
This is the original one.
The original one.
You know, back when you could take your dick out, shake it in a woman's face,
and there was no ramifications.
You know, you didn't have to go on an apology tour for taking it out.
You know, ladies, not for nothing.
Technically, it is out.
You know, it hangs off your body.
So, to just go that extra centimeter through your zipper.
I really don't understand what the big deal is.
Oh, they're sensitive here in Phoenix.
Oh, somebody get them some water.
I think they were in the sun too long.
Is he advocating rape?
Do I need to blog about this?
Can I sit down in the middle of it and make it about myself?
I literally saw two women on Twitter fucking talking about a topic they were
sick of being
asked about to each other on Twitter.
It's like, hey, stupid, you guys ever consider exchanging cell phone numbers?
Why don't you start with the DM?
No?
Are you guys all fucking millennials so you discuss everything out in public?
Just all has to be done.
How great is that bomber in the van?
I fucking love that guy.
Jesus Christ.
Talk about a guy just on a mission.
You know?
What do they call that shit when you get your vision board?
You just put everything that you want to happen?
He had that all over his van.
He's just like, Trump's the shit.
Fuck CNN.
Everything that he visualized, it all came true.
Until those meddling cops had to come in and ruin it.
It's like a fucking Scooby-Doo episode of just like Shaggy snapped and fucking
killed
everybody else and forgot where he put his dog.
You know?
There was something very Hanna-Barbera about it.
You know?
He's politically active.
Can you get mad at that?
How could you say that in a post-9-11?
I think in today's climate...
I think in today's climate...
Somebody fucking asked me that one more fucking time.
What's it like to do that in today's climate?
What were once sat on?
I used to walk around telling you what to talk about.
Sorry.
That joke was just for me.
It was just for me and I had the person's face right in my fucking head.
And if you whisper nicely in my ear afterwards, I'll tell you who I'm talking
about.
Anyway, shit.
Everybody's going to blame this fucking bomber, right?
For having the American dream, right?
The guy who basically...
He doesn't have two nickels to rub together.
No one knows his fucking name.
All he has is just a white van, right?
Couldn't even afford something with color.
Barely.
It's just primer with the basic white.
I'll take that.
The vinyl seats.
Nothing in back.
Just hearing his belongings every time he takes a turn.
Go from one side of the van to the other.
You know?
No woman in his life.
She walked out, right?
Yeah.
She was believing in him.
Until she got in the van and saw there was no more seats.
And she's just like, oh, he doesn't want kids.
I'm out.
I can't lock this guy down.
The best I'm going to get is fucking alimony, right?
There's going to be no child support.
That's where the money's at, right?
He has the sixth grade of the kid.
And then you feed him popsicles and get yourself some shoes.
That's how you do it.
That's how it's done in Arizona.
That's why there's all these fake tits out here.
That's why there's all these fake tits out here.
That is all money that was supposed to be spent on children's educations.
And instead, women are using it.
Tired to beef up their chest.
Like, you know?
Like a bass fisherman putting a better fucking thing on the hook.
Right?
The big fake fucking titty.
He's waiting for some guy.
A couple of scotches in and his fucking steakhouse.
Right?
Had a good round of golf.
Next thing you know, you bring those laminated fucking things out.
What's he supposed to do?
Huh?
Not be a guy?
Right?
So now he's got his dick out.
Put it on to the bar.
Right?
So that's still legal.
That's still legal in 2018.
Right?
He had on golf pants.
He might as well have had it out anyways.
Right?
That's why Pete Carroll wears the Dockers.
Right?
He does.
He walks around half hard during the game.
That's why he always goes, whoo, after a field goal.
It's just a field goal.
What are you so excited about?
Oh, I got my Dockers on.
Every time there's a breeze.
Little fucking wind shear.
My pubes stand up with attention.
You guys don't watch NFL films?
So anyways, this fucking guy's sitting there in this goddamn van.
Right?
I love who he went after, too.
I really did.
You know what I mean?
I don't know.
I'm just fucking around.
But you know, now maybe celebrities will shut the fuck up.
Jesus Christ.
These fucking idiots.
They're sitting there spouting.
In Niagara Falls, every day, over 8 billions of gallons of water are wasted.
You can collect that water and pour it on poor children.
And they wouldn't have, we could eradicate polio.
Right?
It's just like, just learn your lines and go down to the set.
Nobody gives.
You know, I didn't know who I was going to vote for in the last election until
I heard somebody
from, what is it, My Favorite Martian?
What's that show with the fucking nerds?
You know, this fucking, there's three guys, there's a hot blonde and nobody
bangs her.
Big Bang Theory.
Yeah, the Big Bang Theory.
Somebody with three lines on that show really broke down fucking the Iraqi war
for me.
I was like, you know, that makes a lot of sense.
Yeah, if anybody remotely famous is listening to this, all you're doing, you're
not changing
anybody's mind.
All you're doing is you're kick-starting the dreams of a man with a two-seater
van in the
middle of the floor.
That's all you're doing.
People are still going to vote who they're going to vote for.
In what world does Robert De Niro actually get a bomb sent to his house?
He was probably like, is this Martin fucking with me?
Are we doing another casino?
This can't be real.
I mean, come on.
I'm just, I'm just an actor.
No, no, no.
You insulted him a little bit.
Insulted him a little bit.
You did.
You fucking popped off your mouth.
You know, this guy's a bunk.
He's a mutt.
I like to punch him in his face.
They forget they do summer stock.
It's like you play a tough guy.
Other than that, you know.
This fucking 80-year-old guy.
Go get a fucking coloscomy, whatever the fuck it's called, right?
Speaking of which, Jesus.
Yeah.
I turned 50 in June.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
So you know what that means now.
Back in the day, you got a gold watch and a horny stewardess.
That's what you got when you turned 50.
Maybe a cute steak if you were in the fucking Midwest.
But on the coast, you got a fucking stewardess from Pan Am, right?
She rocked your fucking world and everything was great.
But now, not today's hashtag America.
No.
What do you get?
What do you get?
You get some fucking broccoli, this shitty tasting stuff, and you got to get a
colonoscopy.
So I got one on Wednesday.
Yeah, I did.
Obviously, I'm not dying or I wouldn't have brought it up.
Man, all I was doing, I just kept making jokes about it, because that's all you
can do as
a guy, right?
I just kept saying to my wife, I just kept saying, hey, remember, you got to
give me a
ride to and front, right?
And I just kept calling the Jacques Cousteau of the asshole.
Literally, a fucking camera crew, like the shooting B-reel.
Right up your ass, right?
So, no, I just had to, like, joke my way through it.
That's the only way to do it.
It's just so fucking weird.
Especially this Me Too thing, where it's all about, you know, not letting
somebody knock
you out while you don't have your fucking pants on.
Like, I'm literally walking into this stuff.
I was just waiting for Bill Cosby to come in with, like, his scrubs on and shit.
Yeah.
So I just kept singing stupid songs about it.
Remember Edie Brackel in The New Bohemians?
Yeah, that's why I just kept singing.
Coloscopy!
Thomas Bridget played drums for Mars Volta.
Ah, one Mars Volta fan.
So anyways.
Yeah, so it's actually, you know, if you're of that age and you're supposed to
do it.
The only reason why I did it was because I had a kid, you know?
If I didn't have a kid, you know, I would have been happy to just fucking just
keep going
like Vince Lombardi.
I didn't drop when I was 62.
You know, my wife could figure it out.
She's a big girl.
You know?
She's got the kid.
You got to do the right thing.
So, you know, whatever.
So, the hardest part, if there's any guy in here putting it off, like, I ain't
doing that.
I ain't having no guy who got my fucking ass.
You know?
One of those old school homophobic guys, right?
Did he say doo-wop around a burning trash can?
I don't remember.
Came this close to being in Frankie Valley in the force.
You could have one of those four seasons, right?
I ain't having no guy shoving no fucking camera on my ass.
I don't swing like that.
It's just the stuff you have to drink and what it does to your fucking body.
That's the only part.
Other than that, you just go there, you know, and then they put this fucking
thing on you.
And they look like, you know what freaked me out?
Like 50 times, they go, we just got to ask you a couple more questions.
They ask me everything.
After a while, it's like, how many more fucking questions?
Like, you know, like, how little confidence do you have in your ability here?
Like, if you were getting on a plane with some guy, and he's the pilot,
you'd be like, how much did you weigh?
You're like, all right, fuck 85.
All right, cool.
You get air sickness?
No, no, I don't.
I don't.
Cool.
It's like, hey, how much did you say you weighed?
That's what they kept doing.
I'm just like, do you guys, like, not want to fucking do this today?
Because I don't need to be here.
You can fucking take this thing out.
I'm fine.
So, no, you literally just get there, and they just put this shit on you.
I'm not going to tell you.
They tell you to lay on your side, which is really, that's the only bad part.
You lay on your fucking side, trying to keep the drapes closed.
Yeah, and then you just can't give in.
You just take two deep breaths.
That's it.
And then it feels like a second later, you just wake up, and the person's just
like,
all right, you good?
You're not going to die.
See you in five years.
You know, and then I recommend not talking, because you're still under the
influence of whatever the fuck they have there.
You're going to be like, I really like your watch.
You know what that game?
That's a really, is that Rolex?
Yeah.
I hid it buried in your fucking colon about a minute ago.
So, anyways, I'm going to game four.
Right now, for those people listening to this stuff.
Yep.
The people listening, that's right.
I am in Phoenix, Arizona right now, and I'm going to game four of the World
Series.
Now, everybody here remembers the World Series.
You guys won one in 2001, right?
What, 2002?
2001.
That's right, 2001.
That's right, because it was 9-11, and everybody's like, oh, my God, we feel so
bad for New York.
You're like, well, what about us?
What about us?
You know, you don't feel bad for us?
You know?
Colorado River is running dry.
We don't like Martin Luther King.
B