Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-18-19
Uploaded: 2019-07-19T01:56:36.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-18-19' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-07-19. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-18-19' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-07-19. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 7-18-19

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon,
just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you.
Just checking in on you. Just seeing how your week's going. You know, you're
almost there, especially now, how late this fucking podcast is. I apologize, I
had an early call today.
Early call today, had to do a scene walking around in my underwear. Oh, jeez,
it's just a movie. Clear the set, here comes old freckle balls.
Had a good time, then I came in with Bobby Kelly. I did Ricky Gervais' podcast.
I did Bobby Kelly's podcast from fucking Up in the Shed. I did that. I'm just
knocking out podcasts right and left.
Huh? You think old freckle face was going to book a movie and he wasn't going
to stay noticeable in the podcast game? Whatever you kids say on fucking
Instagram.
By the way, I have an account you guys got to follow. This guy is fucking
hilarious on Instagram. He gets footage of fights and then he does the commentating
on it.
And this guy is fucking hilarious.
Hang on a second here. I just sent it to somebody. One of them is this naked
Asian dude fucking fighting here.
Post is unavailable because it was deleted. Oh, Jesus.
Well, I guess that account came and went. Wait a second. All right. Here we go.
Here we go.
It's called Crime Faces.
Providing best street commentary. Putting a face and a voice to current events
in street. Follow us.
They're fucking, whoever it is, is really, really, really funny.
They had to delete this one because I swear to God, it was a, it was a, uh, it
was these two Asian dudes and two black dudes.
And I don't know what the fuck went down. This guy tried to say it was over
some sort of food.
I can't make it funny the way he did.
But one of the guys, for whatever reason, was completely naked.
And the black dude knocks out the other dude first.
And for some reason, leaves the naked dude.
Now, you'd think you'd want to do the naked guy first.
Bam, knock him out.
Just so you don't have to fucking deal with the naked guy.
But he doesn't.
And then the naked guy squares off like he's wearing clothes.
You know, if you ever wondered what your junk did while you were in a street
fight,
all the answers are, all the questions are answered in this video.
But this guy, uh, I don't know what happened.
Some fucking asshole flagged it.
You know, I understand.
If it's the guy who had his dick out, then yeah.
But you should watch it.
They got, he's got, you know, all kinds of like, just fucking hilarious
commentary.
Um, beyond the obvious.
Oh, shit.
This guy really like, it's, you know, a lot of layers to it.
Big fan, big fan of that one.
So check it out.
I'd like to do that every once in a while.
Just say, uh, shout out to Fire.
If you guys have some cool Instagram things to follow.
Um, one person did watch the video.
She just wrote back those puke emojis.
Look at me.
2019.
I'm, I'm Instagram shouting out.
I'm talking about emojis.
Jesus Christ.
I'm ready to go to a fucking college undercover.
Right?
Like Jonathan Cryer hiding out.
I'm in my fifties.
So, you know, at this point, if a guy in his thirties can fucking pretend to be
a high school guy, student, right?
I guess a guy in his fifties can pretend he's a fucking grad student.
This summer, Bill Burr is hiding out.
Um, anyway, we are here in New York City and there is a heat wave, everybody.
Um, I got caught in this ridiculous downpour and I was going down to the fat
black pussycat or whatever.
How are you supposed to say that?
Politically correct.
Right?
The, um, plus sized African American feline, um, gender neutral feline.
And, uh, I was just doing like 15 minutes in front of him and I walked out of
my apartment and I was like, I think it's going to really fucking rain.
I bought a raincoat just for this occasion because I don't like the umbrella.
The umbrella is, is bullshit.
It's basically if there was no wind whatsoever, I've talked about this.
If it coming straight down, you're fine.
Okay.
And if you're not walking, you're fine.
But the second you start moving everything from the bottom of your nose down is
going to get soaking wet.
Um, I think the umbrella is just so you can see through the rain.
It's not really to not make you fucking wet.
So I bought this fucking raincoat, but the raincoat is like, uh, it's no joke.
You know, being that it's waterproof, it holds in your body heat.
And it was humid as hell.
So it's like, I'm going to walk around on this thing.
Like some fighter trying to cut weight before a fucking match.
And, uh, if it doesn't rain, I'm going to have to lug this thing around.
So I was like, ah, fuck it.
I'm all right.
Right.
So what do I do?
I jump on the fucking train.
I go downtown.
I'm listening to my music.
I'm having a good time.
Right.
I come up out of the cellar, out of the cellar, out of the fucking subway to go
to the cellar.
I'm all the way over on Christopher street.
Right.
And, uh, cause I want to check out that famous cigar store to see what they had
in there.
And I fucking go out there and it's like, as I go through the turnstiles, it's
just a bunch of people gathered, staring up the stairs.
So that means one of two things.
Okay.
Either somebody really fat or physically fucked up is coming down the stairs.
There's a fight, something fucked up, or it's raining.
So now that I'm back in New York mode, I'm hoping it's one of the previous
things.
Selfishly, selfishly, uh, New York makes you very selfish.
You're all about the gay pride parade until you're stuck in it.
And then you're just like, fuck these people.
All right.
Fuck these happy people.
Um, I'm trying to get where I'm going.
So, uh, it was like, it was raining angry.
So I ran into this fucking drugstore and the guy's sitting there like, Hey, you
want this $3 umbrella for $5?
It's like, what the fuck am I going to do?
Go out there and get soaking wet.
It'd be like, it was raining.
Like you were out in the rain for three seconds and it was, you might as well
just jumped in somebody's fucking pool.
And I was not going on stage with wet underwear.
Fucking, you know how that happens.
You walk around, your pants will dry off, but your undergarments, oh, they just
remind you.
They won't let the past go, will they?
You know?
So, it's like a secret.
You caught in the rain?
No, I wasn't, right?
And then your fucking underwear pops up and me too's you about the fucking
weather you were in.
I'd like to apologize to all the briefs I continued to wear under my pants
after that rainfall.
If I hurt any underwear during that last rainstorm, I did me too.
I'm coming out of the closet, if that helps.
Anyway, Jesus, you know what that just reminded me of?
What about that fucking, I didn't even pay attention to that guy, that fucking
billionaire pedophile with his own fucking island?
That sounds like a cheesy B movie.
I can't believe that was actually real.
This guy doesn't even, he gets put in fucking jail, bullshit time, and spends
12 hours a day in his own fucking mansion.
That's unreal.
You know, if I ran jails, by the way, as much as I'm into punishing people, I
would stop short of no pussy.
That's where I would draw the line, okay?
You want to incarcerate somebody, blah, blah, blah, blah, and all that type of
shit.
But, you know, there's clearly plenty of women out there that really are into
guys that are into jail.
So, why not bring them in?
Once a day, you have them come in there, you fuck them, you keep everybody
relaxed.
And then that's, then you're fine.
No more riots, no more raping fucking, you know, some accountant whose wife
asked for too much fucking alimony, and he snapped.
And he grabbed something that they got together at the Epcot Center that used
to, that used to represent their love, and now represents their divide, and he
decided to smash it, and then he accidentally killed her, and he feels bad.
And he wouldn't kill anybody else.
He's not a killer.
It was just a passionate, a moment of passion.
He's not going to kill anybody else unless he gets married again, and she asked
for too much money during the divorce settlement, right?
He's that kind of a killer.
He's like the killing, he's the murdering equivalent of that guy who his team
is down 17 to 8, two outs, down to the last strike, and he's still sitting
there keeping score in the fucking sun when everybody else left.
Passion.
Anyways, you know, so then that guy goes to jail, and now he's getting raped
fucking seven ways to Sunday.
It just, you know, if you just fucking went out there and you got those fucking
lunatics, a little bit of ass a couple times a week, why does it have to be
straight across the board punishment?
You're keeping people calm.
You're making the judge, the fucking, the guys who work there, what do you call
them there?
The assistants?
The matadors?
What do you call the fucking people?
The guards?
Jesus Christ, I can't even think today.
The matadors.
Yeah, you're making their job easy.
Everybody's getting laid.
Everybody's fucking fine.
You know?
Be the easiest warden ever.
Second there was a riot, I'd just be on the bullhorn like, excuse me.
Yeah, what exactly is the problem?
Can the sincerity please explain to me what the problem is?
A free rum and board, and you're getting pussy six times a week?
That's right, it is a good deal.
All right, well, put down the sharpened toothbrush.
All of you, thank you.
And then they go back to their cells.
That's right, the ward's a good guy.
I know you're supposed to punish people, but you know what I mean?
You're also, you know, getting everybody all fucking pent up.
I mean, I know they've made a whole fucking channel out of it.
Well, now you can't turn it back, because they literally have a whole fucking
network.
One of those channels is essentially the prison riot channel, right?
I like behind the bar, San Quentin.
They do all that shit, what the tattoos mean.
Over here is the Latino section.
Over here is the white section.
It's always all these neo-Nazis, right?
Over here is the black section.
And everybody's got to fucking explain stuff.
See, as a white guy, I'm not allowed to go over.
Yeah, I would assume that.
Dude, be honest with yourself.
As a white suburban guy like myself, how big of a fucking Nazi would you become
the second you got into prison?
You just have to do it in order to survive.
I mean, how progressive are you that you're going to take a gang raping in your
ass?
You know?
I mean, would you rather do that or just fucking, just, you know, just kind of
go, hey, you know, white power.
You know, with the same enthusiasm you do when someone does the wave.
When you go to a baseball game and someone gets the wave going and you're just
fucking sick of it.
30 years of doing it.
But, you know, if you're with somebody, bring your nephew there.
Hey, you fucking, yeah, white power.
White power, I don't want to get raped.
God bless Hitler.
Keep your dick out of my ass.
You do whatever that body language looks like.
I'm sure there's some psychiatrists out there that can tell you what that looks
like.
All right.
Jesus Christ.
How did we get here?
Well, this is how you get here.
You don't have a guest.
You start talking to yourself and then all of a sudden things just open up.
Anyway, I've been on a big Bill Withers kick, man.
I fucking can't get enough of that guy.
And not his hits.
I like his albums.
I like his albums.
And James Gadsden is quickly becoming one of my favorite drummers.
Becoming one of my top five drummers of all time.
You know what's crazy?
I saw he was actually still out there playing in L.A.
He did some gig.
I got to catch him next time he plays because I think he's like 80, 81 years
old.
Absolutely fucking incredible, incredible drummer.
I was actually hanging with Bobby after his podcast and we were messing around
on his drums.
And he was going, who are you listening to now?
Something like that.
And I played it to him.
I was saying, listen, how good that sound.
And I literally listening to it.
I go, look at, look 