Name: Monday Morning Podcast 7-22-19
Uploaded: 2019-07-23T16:43:11.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 7-22-19' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-07-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 7-22-19' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-07-23. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 7-22-19

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the monday morning podcast
for monday
july 22nd 2019 what's going on how are you doing uh podcast is very late today
i'd like to apologize
to all the people out there affected especially the ladies i know being a woman
it's just so much
harder to download a podcast than it is for a man and it's something that
people with penises just
cannot understand and and then furthermore when you compile that with the fact
that you call it
the monday morning podcast and you make a promise to to put the podcast out
monday morning and it
doesn't happen i just feel like for me it brings up a lot of daddy issues
i would say jack can i have cornflakes in the morning and he'd be like yeah and
in the morning i'd have
oops i didn't even say sorry um i'm so i'm sorry so sorry to all the sensitive
cunts
i should have called it the monday evening podcast occasionally but mostly it's
the monday morning
podcast um all right how are you um oh billy freckles oh billy thespian billy
shakes pia i almost said
shakes queer can't say that anymore shakes homosexual is that what you say i
don't what the fuck you're
supposed to say i don't know what you're supposed to say well maybe if you
cared more about that go
go fuck yourself i live in my own fucking world all right i hold the door for
people i make sure i got
my metro card out you know if i'm looking at my fucking phone when i walk down
the streets of new
york i get up against the building okay that's what i do visible shit that you
can see okay and you can
put it all in the consideration column people walking around with your fucking
words and you're still
acting like a cunt well good for you with all your fucking happy words you know
no one likes you
oh yeah i went there nobody likes you who bill who are you talking about i don't
know
people people who fucking bug me the most cuntiest people i'm gonna fuck that i
mean i am overtired
um i had to go on set today and say things that other people wrote and it's
just so exhausting
oh try being an actress you're not supposed to say actress anymore fuck
um
anyway um i had a 5 a.m call what i got a fucking paper route again is that
what it is you got one
of them paper routes when i was a kid when i was a lad you know coming up in
the 70s
hey freckles um i had a uh i had a paper route kids had paper routes they got
up in the morning
got on bicycles and they rode around the neighborhood dressed as paper boys
daring somebody to kidnap them
did it every fucking morning pretty much except for one trip we took one family
trip between third grade and ninth grade i've told you these stories before
started in third grade and it was cute oh look at the little ginger
fucking guy with the big bag right by the time i was in ninth grade i was
collecting it wasn't cute
it wasn't cute anymore it's just like oh this kid's not getting laid anytime
soon
huh
get a fucking little kid job and you're riding a bicycle i'll tell you i haven't
been to high school in a while but i'll tell you right now as far as i remember
them cheerleaders was not into that vibe you want to ride on my bike handles
uh my handlebars
bike handles handlebars
yeah i saved some money most of the money i blew on football cards
stupid fucking candy that doesn't even exist anymore
remember big buddy it was a this fucking gum it was like i swear to god it was
like 12 inches long
and it was just all one stick of it a giant thing it just said big buddy and
you peeled it down and you fucking just bit it off like beef jerky
and you just kept going then of course to make your friends laugh you'd be like
how much of the big buddy can you get in your fucking mouth this is what we did
before the internet
this is what you did when you lived in a house and the uhf antenna didn't work
so there was no cartoons
there was just the adult channels during the day they just had the fucking news
and mike douglas
man i would watch the occasional comedian but you know
all my friends were watching tom and jerry and mighty mouse and woody wood
you know the mighty heroes remember the mighty heroes
what was that how the fuck did that song go
something like tornado man strong man diaper man and then there was uh and coco
i couldn't stand that fucking asshole could not stand him he was fucking
useless he could barely get off the ground
you know
i think i like to i like strong man that was the guy i liked
anyway
going down the road here
johnny quest
that type of shit all my friends were watching that crap and where was i
sitting at home all by myself in a busy street watching days of our lives
mom is it true that you can come back if you fall off a cliff
asking her those kinds of questions
you know
soap opera storylines
uh anyways
i anyways i'm going to continue
that's how i say it i don't give a fuck i know it's anyway
i don't give a shit anyways
i got back there's nobody in my apartment my beautiful wife my lovely daughter
we're out with some family members they're out there getting pizza and
everything and old freckles is on the movie diet
so i'm sitting here all by myself eating a mediterranean salad with some
chicken
right not something i want to do something i got to do
all right i'm doing it for the craft
okay tom cruise he can learn how to fly helicopters all day long but is he
going
to sit there with the mediterranean salad all by himself
is he going to let all his people go home and just sit there in the silence
just hearing that lettuce echoing in your head as you're chewing it
you know
i wonder
i wonder if he's got it in him
um
so i'm sitting there and what sounds like from up the street because new york's
always noisy
i thought it was like a truck
sounded like this truck and then a couple
like the fucking cops or something i'm like all right something's going down
and then it sounded like cheering
i was like what the fuck is this
and then all of a sudden
it just uh i just started hearing this
i'm like what the fuck is going on
and they got like running
coming down the street was a fucking parade
in in the middle of the rain i don't know if it was a protest i don't know what
the fuck
it is so i fucking open the window and i'm looking out the street they're like
sorry if i hurt your ears there should have tapped on the chest sorry about
that
it was a fucking parade
in the middle of the rain saw a couple of puerto rican uh flags i believe
so i know it's not puerto rican uh parade i don't think so
i don't know what all i know is it's hard to get a fucking
permit to uh to have a fucking legal parade
so uh but i don't know last night oh wait is the puerto rican day parade coming
up because
last night i saw like this whole fucking group of people on motorcycles
all different sizes the real ones and then the little ones
just tearing through the fucking town and then you know you know that three-wheeled
car
that you're not even enclosed i don't even know how it's street fucking legal
like four
of those went by it was fucking insane and awesome all at the same time let's
look maybe
this is the pre-puerto rican day parade when is that sunday june 14th i missed
it
i don't know something's going on i have no idea maybe the yankees signed
somebody
all right or maybe they're still not giving relief to those poor people down
there in puerto rico i
don't know maybe they were just happy there was raining out the fucking heat
wave was over but it
was uh it's pretty cool i miss new york opening the window and a parade just
goes by it's great i
don't want to be in the parade i don't be trying to cross the street in the
parade like what happened
with the gay pride parade but the gay pride parade goes by and i'm upstairs in
an air conditioned
uh uh unit i i am you know i'm i'm up there fucking having a good time with
everybody else
you know like a little damsel who's that chick who fucking had thrown out rapunzel
no not rapunzel yeah rapunzel rapunzel let down your hair
i gotta confuse a rumpelstiltskin
fucking evil cunt did he make that chick fucking she had her so she had golden
hair
you had her making hoodies or something like that dude is anything better than
uh fucking
rapunzel's hair made into a hoodie with a gold pair of jordan air ones over
over
i'll tell you right now you guys got to reach out to paul verzi
paul verzi podcast i got him shook my sneaker game
has elevated you know good friend of mine bought me a pair of jordan ones
fucking verzi is just like he's been texting me he just he doesn't even see
them on me because he
just saw a picture of him he goes dude those jordans are sick he'll just in the
middle of the week
those jordan ones you got are sick like i've never seen anybody
him and janice papas i've never seen two people into sneakers the way they are
they are like
they're so into it you almost you can almost you know when somebody's so into
something you can't
even make fun of them you get like nervous like it's just like making fun of
somebody's
religion because this is what this is feeling like
um but i've got him twice on this trip twice with the sneakers and he's i don't
know
verzi actually opened for me it was pretty cool we did uh this theater
in uh england new jersey it's it's the first theater i ever did with paul like
10 years earlier
i remember driving up there going man i've been in england in a while and i
started thinking like
wait is this the fucking and verzi was opening goes this is a fucking place i
did with verzi
the second i walked in and i saw the stage i was like oh shit this is it so paul
comes in
and i'm like paulie he's like what's up i go dude look at that stage he goes
yeah man looks good
and i was just like you know what this this is the first place you opened for
me you remember
right and he's just like no man he goes he goes is it he goes you're into that
nostalgic stuff
he said nostalgia it's like no dude it's just having a memory
nostalgia jesus christ i'm not fucking antique in here
um anyways he went out and fucking ripped it up he ripped it up paul verzi
ripped it up
while wearing what i've never seen he was wearing a pair of pumas brand new of
course looking sharp
but i've in the 10 years this is me getting nostalgic again evidently in the 10
years that i've known
that guy i have never seen him in a pair of pumas it's always been nike then he's
thrown in a couple of
random random things but they're always classic sneakers from a different era
like maybe like uh
i don't know glenn howard ones or fucking i don't even know who that the hell
that is
uh i'm trying to think of a fucking old time ramiel robinson twos or something
like that he'll break
those out right but i've never seen what they were the old school ones so i had
to have a sit i had to
find out you know because a lot of people don't know this paul's a very humble
guy he keeps it on the
down low he actually has one of the few non-athlete sneaker deals that nike has
ever signed
it's like jay-z i don't know if it's true if those guys wear that shit didn't
he have the s he had
the the sean the s dots the sean carters remember back in the day charlie murphy
rest his soul when
those things came out he got them all all the colors um that was the first time
i was introduced
to people like you know i grew up you got a pair of sneakers at the beginning
of the year
and then that was it you actually were self-conscious at how clean they were
and after about a month you felt a little bit better with them right you'd show
up with your
new fucking sneakers all right and then the one bro kid would walk around
accidentally step on it you
know he could beat the shit out of you so you're like hey i hope that was an
accident um and then you
just wore them for the whole fucking year and that was it your mother would buy
him a half a size
or a size too big and that was it maybe that's what it was maybe all these
maybe all of those kids
they just wanted you know you know they're in therapy now i just don't
understand why my mom
couldn't buy me anot