Name: Monday Morning Podcast 8-12-19
Uploaded: 2019-08-12T19:33:40.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 8-12-19' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-08-12. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 8-12-19' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-08-12. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 8-12-19

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday, August 12th, 2019.
What's going on? How are ya? What's going on? What's going on?
Oh, Billy. Oh, Billy Babyface. Oh, Freckled Face Fucko is wrapped on the movie.
Thank you to everybody. Judd, Pete Davidson, everybody that I worked with. I
had an awesome time.
The mustache is gone. I checked with the director before I shaved it off.
I was like, did you check the gate and all the other shit you said? Is the
batch of film good?
Can I not be this guy anymore? He's like, it's all good. Shave it off, send it
to the Smithsonian, flush it down the toilet, whatever the fuck you want to do
with it.
And that's it. Did anybody watch on Instagram when Nia shaved it off? Live.
Live Instagramming there. And yeah, I got the baby face now.
I swear to God, man, I look like I'm like 46 years old.
I think that's a good thing. If you can pull off five years younger than your
age, you know,
if you're 85, like, dude, you look like you're 79, 80. Oh, I'll take that. It's
a good thing.
It is a good thing.
Better bail.
Um, all right. So what's going on in the world?
I have my free time back, baby. And last night I did a show at the, uh, at, uh,
I want to say Foxwoods.
I always want to say great woods. I, uh, Foxwoods. I did a show there last
night and I had a fucking
great time and I was very excited because I did an hour and 19 minutes and I
only did like two bits
from my last hour. Not saying I had all great material, but I had a really good
time working
it all out. And now that I got the movie behind me, I get to do my favorite
fucking thing in the
world, which is put together a new hour of standup. And, um, I am going full
force.
That's what I'm going to be doing. I'm going to be popping in down the stand
comedy club.
Uh, I haven't been able to get down there and, uh, beautiful club. Can't wait
to get down there
and, uh, have some positive memories of, uh, being down in that club after, uh,
all the
bullshit, the horror that happened, uh, this past couple of weeks. So, um,
anyway, it's
going to be putting it together. And last night I was having a great time and,
uh, you know,
I don't really talk about politics or anything like that, but like, I was just
sort of making
fun of, I was making fun of Trump, but not like, you know, this guy's this or
whatever,
but I just thought it was funny that he retweeted conspiracy theory about
Jeffrey Epstein and
Epstein obviously his fucking name and how he thinks like global warming is a
hoax and
just all of this shit. You know, the guy, the guy, the guy responds to tweets.
It's like,
you're the leader of the free world. Can you fucking act like it? You know? Um,
I thought
the lowest, and I was joking. I was like, I thought the lowest point was going
to be when
like Obama did the tonight show. It's like, I don't want to see you do it. Be
on a show
that'll book me. You're the fucking president. You can come out and do fucking
10 minutes on
the Russians. Hope Jimmy calls you over to the couch. And just like, I fucking
hate how
that office has just because of it's, it's all been splintered now and they,
that they
have to like fucking be on social media. So that's all I was really doing. And
this guy
in the crowd just goes, he goes, leave Trump alone. And then somebody else said,
uh, I don't
know what some other word hoax got out there. And some woman in the crowd goes,
Obama was
a hoax. And I just went on this riff talking about the two of them was so
fucking dumb that
they both, that they should fuck just so we could see what you would make. And,
uh, and
then later on somebody else, I don't know, I was teasing. I was making fun of
Tom Brady.
Howe is a 42, three, four year old man. He ran a faster 40 than he did when he
was 22
or 23. And this made this guy in the balcony flip out about Tom Brady. I was
just talking
about all this shit that I had said leading up to that point. And I bring up
Tom Brady and
that's the thing that triggers you. And I don't know. I was just riffing on how
all of them
should have like a threesome. Uh, I don't know. It's just that, that whole
fucking
they think this is, I hope the dumbest time politically I've ever seen in my
fucking life.
I have never in my life ever seen fucking somebody mouth breathing morons when
it comes to politics
where they will not hold anybody in their party accountable to anything. And if
you say anything,
they go, well, the Democrats do this. Like when I, uh, I came back from, uh,
the, uh,
what do you call it? That the, the fucking gig last night at Foxwoods, right?
I actually, uh, I, I rented a helicopter to fly up and go do it. Okay.
Which I never do shit like that. Cause it's so fucking expensive, but every
once in a while,
if it's like inside of an hour, you know, and I just do it like once a year or
something like
that, you know what I mean? Like if I have a, I live in LA, if I have a gig in
San Diego,
I'll fly out. And if I do Vegas, I'll fly up. But even this time I'm not flying
out because it gets,
it's just so, it's so much fucking money. It's thrown down the fucking toilet.
You can't write it off. Right. And, uh, you know, I got a kid. So I just in the
back of my head,
I'm like, this is money that I could leave to my kid. Instead I'm doing this
fucking shit.
So every once in a while I'll do it. Right. So, um, I just completely lost my
fucking train of thought
there. What was the point of that bill? Anyway, I, uh, is this like a fucking
side of like early onset
Alzheimer's? I was talking about police people in politics. Oh, that's right.
So I went to land
and I was telling the driver, he goes, you know, he goes, how cool was that? I
go, dude,
it was fucking unbelievable. It was unbelievable. It was a clear night and I
got to fly, you know,
up the West side, cross Manhattan at about 96th street transition transition,
um, LaGuardia 500
feet, South Stanchion Throgs Neck Bridge. And then you're fucking out over Long
Island Sound. You see
New Rochelle, Stanford, New Haven, then Londonderry, you make a left and then
you fucking land at a
helipad and you go in and do a show. I felt like Elvis. How was it? It was
incredible. And then this guy had this software that was even better than the
ForeFlight that
I use that shows you all the planes and helicopters in your area, the direction
they're flying and
whether in the altitude that they're at, they will say in red minus 900 or in
green plus 1200.
So at that point, and if you do that and you have flight following,
okay, and you're 500 feet above the highest object in your area at all times,
you only have to worry
about is if you have some sort of fucking mechanical problem with your own
fucking
helicopter, but you know how to do it auto. So you're going to be fine.
It's tremendous. So he was saying, uh, he goes, do you do that a lot? The
drivers ago? No,
I never do it. It's too fucking expensive. And you know, there's no write-offs.
And I said,
then Trump also fucking went off adding all of these fucking taxes because he
got pissed off at
Hollywood. He took away all our write-offs. And you know what the guy said? He
goes, well,
I mean, the Democrats would do that. It's like, no, they wouldn't.
Another Republican wouldn't have done that. Another Republican would have shook
it off. This
was a specifically this guy thing. Can you just stop with this fucking, it
drives me up the
fucking wall. Watching people in Hollywood, looking at the Obamas, like they
were these saintly
fucking people who, who gave the corporations their fuck continued the fucking
war, killed all of these
innocent fucking people with drone strikes. And now they're out on the speech
tour, taking all of
their fucking bribe money so they can go out and go buy a fucking house. They're
no different than
anybody with the fucking red tie. And I swear to God, I can, I just cannot
fucking sit there and listen
to these fucking people who just sit there. I just watched CNN. I just watched
Fox news. Yeah,
you sound like it. So that brings me to Jeffrey Epstein. Epstein. I want to
know where that man is,
because I'm telling you right now, he is not dead. Yeah, you heart take. That
man is not dead.
I don't know where he is. I actually, you know, why couldn't he just be a
fucking pussy
and just killed himself because he didn't want to fucking spend the rest of his
life in jail or
he didn't want to go through the embarrassment of having a mirror held up to
his piece of
shit face as to what the fuck he was doing down on his island? Huh?
Or maybe his publicist said, well, you know, if you kill yourself, you don't go
through the trial,
then people won't hear all the gory details. Why couldn't it just be that?
Why couldn't there just be a couple of guards who weren't fucking looking or
whatever?
I don't know. This guy's on, I love all these people going, the guy's on 24
hours
to a side watch and he somehow kills himself. I mean, how is that possible?
The next time somebody says that say, explain 24 hours suicide watch. What
exactly does that entail?
You know, is there just a guy sitting on a, you know, looking at a TV screen?
You know, somebody hands him a coffee and he never looks at it. He just sets it
down next to him and
he's, he's, he's trying to find the coffee cup with his spoon. You know,
accidentally tips his coffee
over. The coffee rolls down into his lap. He's screaming in agony, agony, but
never takes his eye off the screen.
What, what exactly does 24 hours of surveillance entail?
You know, doesn't they, they turn a camera on the guy and what they're just
sitting there staring
at it for fucking 24 hours.
I don't fucking know.
I know it's really convenient that the fucking guy died and I'm not saying that
he couldn't have got
whacked, but when they just have somebody stab him up in the yard, that usually
seems the way it goes
down. And everybody's like, the guy's been dead. There's not even an autopsy
yet. Well, he just died.
I don't know. I don't know what happened, but my favorite thing of people who
are trying to tie it
into Donald Trump or fucking Bill Clinton, the Clintons had him killed. Like
the Clintons are
like this mob family, you know, they're fucking politicians, right? They just
walk around blowing
people for money. That's all they do. You're horrifically underpaid as a
politician and you
got to have fucking a tuxedo and tap dance shoes your entire fucking career,
tap dancing for these
people who are going to give you money and then you're going to owe them favors.
And if you don't
do what they want, you can't then someday give a fucking hour long speech and
get $300,000 from them.
That's basically what they all do, including the saintly Obamas.
You know, that's what they're doing. That's what they all fucking do. All right.
I think
my conspiracy theory is that in the 1960s, the message was sent that if you don't
do what the
people who are truly running the fucking country want you to do, conveniently,
a crazed lone gunman
will come out of nowhere and take you out. Black or white, male or female, that's
essentially
what happened to anybody who is truly going to affect change in a way that they
did not like.
It was too convenient. And I think now they don't even need to wacky anymore.
They can just,
they can just take you out, um, in the newspapers by just not giving you any
coverage like a Bernie
Sanders guy. They can just completely ignore this guy and how much people like
him and wanted him in
the last election to represent the Democratic Party. They could just completely
ignore it
and not give it any coverage. And if they don't give it any coverage, then it
didn't happen.
Um, you know, and I'm not saying that Bernie would have been better than
Hillary or better than Trump.
I'm not saying any of that. I'm just saying that they can kind of steer you
where the fuck they want
to go, which is pretty obvious when you get any rules, you deregulate ownership
of media. It's why
they had it in the beg