Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 8-15-19
Uploaded: 2019-08-15T23:01:55.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 8-15-19' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-08-15. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 8-15-19' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-08-15. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 8-15-19

hey what's going on is bill burr and it's time for the thursday afternoon just
before friday
monday morning podcast and i'm just checking in on you oh how's it going in
your little part of
the world huh is it going all right oh fucking i'm still limping from the
fucking new assholes
i got torn on the last podcast jesus christ did i ever claim to be a smart guy
that fucking cunt
giving me shit about the autumnal equinox i've been looking that shit up for
like three days i'm
like what exactly was he talking about you know i fuck is there anything worse
than when somebody
delivers new information in the tone that that person did fucking coming at me
like you discovered
it you just read about it what the fuck you know i don't know anyway i still
don't get i still don't
get why i go on the internet and says the summer's over september 23rd he's
sitting there saying that's
some medieval shit i don't get it and if he's so fucking right that summer
started june 1st
and ends august 31st i hope he was out there flapping his fucking wings
june 1st screaming in the netherlands wherever the hell he's from going you
guys you're missing it
it's already started
anyway it's thursday august 15th oh start spreading the news
i'm leaving today i don't want to be a part of it anymore this summer i want to
fly back
to a city where my stuff is and say why did i buy all of this shit
what's going i'm going back to la today i'm going back to cali take you want
when it hey freckles
i don't think so well fuck you my flight was canceled but i'm still going at
some point
i don't give a fuck i gotta take a fuss shit dwayne allman did it he plays
slide guitar better than i do
i'll take a fucking bus and i'll take a fucking train i will change in chicago
i won't even get a sleeper car ticket i will sleep
sitting up for fucking four days
going through some of the methiest parts of this fucking country and i'm not i
don't have a speech impediment
that's meth-iest
um
yeah going back to california today
well then i can't live my heart
uh cannot wait to get back to my shit
i'm gonna get back to my stuff
my stuff and i'm going back and uh
didn't booze the whole summer
my cigar smoking is off the fucking rails to the point i have to shut it down
you know
i remember my mother told me something
about a thousand times when i was a kid
everything in maturation
i don't know how to do that
you know
i think what i have to do is a bunch of bad things a little bit
you know
a little bit of meth in my life
a little bit of cocaine
i don't fuck with any of that shit
but you know what i mean
i just don't know how to do it
so
i am not going to smoke a cigar
until i i uh
uh
that that weekend when i'm going to the fucking
clemson florida state
but it's cool because i'm going back to my house
and i don't have any cigars in the house
so that's the thing
it'll just take me just like four days
then i won't think about it anymore
and then at that point i won't be drinking
i won't be smoking cigars
i'm barely watching porn
you know one of those those fucking tv shows
you binge watch
you devour the first three seasons
and then they just start to lose you in the fourth season
it just fades away
that's what porn is like for me right now
and if i can just get that out of my life
start going to church on sunday
you guys can start calling me old billy flanders there
that'd be amazing
an amazing trajectory to this podcast
where i was an angry fucking conspiracy theory lunatic
when i started
you know
to go into a bald
jesus freak
who fucking lectures you
on why
you're not living a life
the way you should
i will say
woo
hey nene
looking good
ow
you know
i would never do that to a woman
i don't know
but i reserve the right to cat call my own wife
hey sweetie
what are you doing later
come on don't be like that
come on don't be like that
smile
put a fucking smile on your fairy
hey
why don't you come over here
help me adjust my tool belt
Nia will be on here later
reading one of the funnier
it's not an email
what would you call it
a fucking post
it was a review
of some white lady
that went to a plantation
and it was not what she expected it to be
the results
the results may shock you
here's something i did
because i always watch the
the moto gp races
you know
they come on at like a ridiculous time in the morning
and when they were on tv
i could record them
and watch them the same day
but i have to wait till they repost them
if i don't watch them live on their website
so i'm still waiting to see
uh davidzioso's win
in the last race
wherever the hell it was
so i went there
and i was like
you know what
i'm gonna look at some of these other videos
and they have all these fucking races
you know from back in the day
you go all the way back to like the early 90s
if not the late 80s
and i have to tell you man
i get it now
when people
fans of racing
say you missed it
i i just went back to 2002
because i wanted to see a young
um
valentino rossi
when he was still riding with honda
just to hear how they were talking about him
if they already knew he was going to be one of the greats
you know
um
and it seemed like his career is right where mark marquez's career is right now
and uh
but just like the level of danger
and even then
they still had some sort of
look like a fucking airbag
they still have a little hump thing on the on their back
um
with their their racing suit there
they're racing leather
so i'm
i don't know how long
how far back the uh
airbag technology goes
but this fucking guy
wiped out high-sided on his bike
and they came out
and they took him off on a stretcher
i was just like wow
i i know my three years of watching this shit
i've never seen anybody go off on a fucking stretcher
which is a good thing
but just
when i watch old formula one races
which is the best thing
of going to the f1 site
and the uh
moto gp site
is to start watching
um
some of the old races
and i i wish
you know
if if you could go on to like the nf
nfl.com
and just watch a game
like i always wanted to watch that game
when walter payton ran for 275 yards
against the minnesota vikings in the late 70s
and he set the record
i always wanted to see that game
i've never even seen nfl film highlights on it
um
i don't know
it's a great way
for a fan
who's new to the sport
be they young
or an old fart
like me
it's a great way
to learn your history
and uh
be able to put
what you're seeing
into some sort of perspective
so i watched this race
um
and what was really incredible
was back then
that on the same
in the same race
they had four stroke
and two stroke
engines
and uh
for those people
who are mechanically inclined
like myself
that just means
two strokes means
it's just
every two strokes
it fires
so as the piston comes up
the um
the fuck
what do you call it
the spark plug
fires
boom
drives it down
piston comes up
it fires
it's just bang
bang bang
bang bang
and where a four stroke
it's every four stroke
so it fires
down
up
down
fire
down
up
down
fire
same thing
so
um
i guess the
the four strokes
ran smoother
and were easier
to handle
and the two strokes
it was weird
they had like
more power
so they were lighter
because there's a pass
on the race
that i watched
this fucking guy
about 11 minutes
into the race
it was
it looked like
a pass you'd seen
a motorcycle
in a movie
about motorcycle racing
there was two turns
and he just fucking
opened the throttle
and went around
went around
the outside
of one guy
and on the inside
of uh
valentino rossi
and then rossi
just sort of
you know
played with him
for like the last
like 10 laps
and every time
they got on the
straightaway
he would kind of
come up on him
just sort of
almost like a boxer
measuring him
you know
feeling him out
or whatever
and then he finally
passed him
with like four laps
to go
and then just
took off
but um
i i couldn't
figure out
how
they were saying
a four stroke
had more
had more power
and i think it was
just the size
of the engine
because everything
i read said
the two stroke
had more power
but it was harder
to handle
or whatever
but it was lighter
and i guess
because it's firing
more
it gave you
more power
i don't know
i don't quite
understand it
but i found
that element
being in the race
something that
isn't there anymore
um
and for all you
mechanics out there
rolling your eyes
go fuck yourself
okay
i listen to your
jokes after my shows
okay
you can deal with me
talking about that
it was really
it was really
fucking interesting
so if anybody
out there
knows more about that
and can explain it to me
a little bit nicer
than that fucking
cocksucker
who tried to explain
the summer solstice
to me
in the winter solstice
and all that means
is the point
when the sun
is the highest
or the lowest
in the sky
fucking guy
yelling at me
like like he figured
it out
like the church
wanted to burn him
um
so anyway
my flight got delayed
so uh
you probably wonder
well bill
you're in the greatest
city in america
according to
according to new
yorkers
um
where you gonna go
um
i'm actually
i'm gonna go to the met
believe it or not
and no
i'm not gonna go there
you know
to look at some art
you know
by fucking gruyere
whatever the fucking
guy's names are
i know that's a cheese
that always sounded
like one of those
fucking artists
like back in the day
when i was still
in the dating world
and a woman would say
let's go to the met
there's a gruyere exhibit
and i'd be like
i just you know
i wish i could go back
then just so i wouldn't
waste all that time
just be like
i don't want to go
because i i lack
the intellect
for this to be
interesting to me
all of it looks
the same
it's just
framed
shit
i don't give a fuck
about any of it
i don't understand
why it's worth
millions and millions
and millions
and millions
of dollars
i think
the mona lisa
it's
is
fucking
you know
is as average
as the woman
that they've
that the dude
painted
she's
i mean
i would
would you hit
on mona lisa
i wouldn't
i mean
he might as well
have painted me
into that
fucking picture
oh there's a
photoshop for you
um
i am going there
because dean del rey
let me know
they have some
of the most
famous rock
instruments
you know
ever
yes at the
metropolitan
museum of art
nia
come here
speak into the mic
if you're going
to come over here
no i was there
not too long ago
to go see the
exhibit camp
notes on fashion
which was the
theme of this
year's met gala
and i
they had a
nasa
like a space
exhibit
there's
do you know
why they do
that
it's because
the
art of files
can't sustain
that thing
art of files
so then what
they have to do
is they got to
bring the mouth
breathers in
we got eddie
van halen's
axe from
fucking mean
street
it just doesn't
seem like
something that
they would
have at the
met are you
sure it's
at the
metropolitan
museum
i am
positive it's
at the
met dean
del rey
told me
about it
it's not
at another
museum
it's at
the
metropolitan
they had
they had
fucking
that ralph
florin's
car collection
there one
time
when they
like
are cars
art
what they're
really saying
is all right
we need
money here
people
come on
get in
here you
fucking
morons
all right
this is
this is a
74
toyota
corolla
with all
the
options
also
no one
cares
if you
would
fuck
the
mona
lisa
or not
okay
nobody cares
about
what
fucking
turns you
on
in terms
of the
art
world
you don't
know what
you're
talking
about
would
you hit
on the
mona
lisa
to do
if you
fucking
average
you are
like
such a
basic
bitch
sometimes
nobody
cares
whether you
would
bang
the
mona
lisa
you're
so
ridiculous
yeah
you're
missing
the
point
but
would
they
find
it
funny
well
yeah
I guess
yeah
was it
that hard
was it
that
you just
sounded like
the head
of a
corporation
who got
caught
dumping
shit
in the
water
supply
do you
think
it was
good
to put
that
in
the
water
yes
so
they
got a
mouth
breathing
exhibit
at
the
meth
and
I'm
going
oh
my
god
that's
that
guitar
from
leonard
skinner
that's
the
one
they
got
the
sweet
home
alabama
guitar
they
got
the
flute
from
fucking
what's
that
band
Led
Zeppelin
stairway
to
heaven
I
never
like
that
call
that
stair