Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 8-22-19
Uploaded: 2019-08-23T17:02:16.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 8-22-19' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-08-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 8-22-19' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-08-23. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 8-22-19

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the thursday afternoon
just before friday
monday morning podcast and i'm just checking in on you i'm just checking in on
you seeing
how your week's going i know i'm a little late i know you're sitting there like
oh you know i'm
waiting to get tucked in and where are you bill jesus christ you know you're
supposed to fucking
be there for me let me turn up the volume here i thought last week's was a
little quiet
through this thing in the bag you know fucked with the volume um sorry i was
running around
little busy little busy today um i haven't been out here in la in forever so
there's a bunch of shit
that was just sort of idle that i had to go take care of but like right now i'm
back to just doing
nothing feed up caught a little bit of a cold whatever i don't give a shit i
don't have school
tomorrow you know that's what i love about me is the second high school ended i
was done learning
i never took another test that's the way i like to do it actually that's not
true but
that's the way i would have liked to have done it you ever get envious of townies
you know i mean they graduate high school and then they go right across the
street right into a
bar and they just sit there they have the fucking confidence to wait for life
to come to them
they don't feel like they got to go out and move they got to go where it's at
they sit right down on that stool the perfect job is walking right through that
door
the woman i'm gonna marry is walking right through that door and coming up to
this bar
and ordering a fucking vodka collins you know everybody always makes fun of
townies i don't
there's some they're very happy people they have to be restless unhappy
depressed people
move around you know i gotta go here maybe if i live here maybe if i'm with
these people
maybe then i'll find happiness
but these fucking townies they are born in that town
raised educated and live in that town until they die they never fucking leave
have you been to the louvre
have you have you seen big bay you gotta see the pyramids have you seen a
have you been to the fucking grand canyon
they don't give a fuck they don't need to
they know what's out there why why would they want to fight gridlock traffic
go to an airport go to the kiosk excuse me sir sir the line starts over here
sir
oh is that where the line is those fucking mouth breathers staring at their
phone
you ever think maybe that's why i got the jump on them because they're looking
at their funny cut the line lady
go to
fucking checkout i almost called you go through security you got to take your
fucking shoes off
you know some fatty in front of you has got a fucking you who in their bags and
then they they
fucking they gotta slow the whole thing down
she left one in her back pocket or he did i don't give a fuck
i'm not sexist when it comes to fatties they they
fuck it why would they want to deal with any of that
they just stay in the hometown and you know what someday that job does come
walking through the door
all right someday that woman does come in
and you might say well if you just fucking sit there i mean you're gonna you're
gonna settle
for what comes through that door well i i would i would ask you this what the
is wrong with that
huh all you fucking people out there in the rat race trying to get a luxury
high-rise apartment
you with that chick who's watching those whores on tv with their shiny shoes
because the chicks with the fucking butter lady's hair they're all getting them
right kardashians
they're fucking pocahontas haircuts that they have all of a sudden they have
all of that
shit than the person you're with because because they're not happy because they're
clown maybe if
maybe maybe if i get this pair of shoes then i'll be fucking happy
maybe if i watch the food network and learn how to make a fucking souffle oh
and my friends eat it and they go wow there's so many layers to you bill
don't we all make fun of townies because we're fucking envious of them
they had enough
that little town was enough for him a cold budweiser was enough for him the
game up on that little square tv
was enough for him
whoever comes walking through that door with that job or the one that's got to
marry that was enough for
you know
guys got to lay off townies isn't it funny that i'm fucking sitting here trashing
you guys like you came up with that shit
what i was really doing is i was upset with myself because that's what i
realized
30 something years later
it's like i what a townie has is what i've been trying to achieve for over 30
years
which is being satisfied
all right somewhere in all of that is a fucking billy joel or a bruce springsteen
song
you know they're always singing about the common man
he graduated high school went across the street and said man what are you doing
here
la-di-da-da-da-da-da
you know i was listening to howard stern the other day and as always he had me
laughing my balls off and
he said the fucking funniest shit the most perfect thing you know like there's
this new fucking thing
because everybody's a fucking
social media jerk off now where like they can't even just go to a goddamn
concert enjoy the concert
somebody's got to get pulled up on stage so he was talking about
seeing some clip of one of these fucking bands pulled some kid up on the stage
and played with the band you know because i got to show how down to earth the
band is they got
to be interactive with their fans and stern was going uh you know i don't want
to be a dick i mean
he played good for an 11 year old but you know i paid full price for a ticket
to watch a professional
band exact and it's exactly before i even got to the punchline i was already
laughing because that's
what i always thought
can you imagine back in the day you went to go see fucking led zeppelin and in
the middle of it john
bonham got out of the way and some head could barely grow his first mustache
got up on stage instead of go and you have to sit there going like
the are we doing it you know what would have happened back in the day no
neither do i
um anyway i went to a concert last night i went to the hollywood bowl and i saw
uh herbie hancock
i saw him and there was this band that because vinnie coliudo was playing on
drums of course i got
to go see that i saw vinnie play with sting and he was fucking amazing then but
you know he's more of
inside a box there you know he's playing some hit songs herbie hancock it's
just like
fucking do whatever and when i vinnie fucking murdered the way he's always been
murdering
the guy just doesn't slow down
i i've i've never i've never seen anything like it
that fucking guy just absolutely fucking destroyed and just the effort he puts
out too
dude he's fucking pouring sweat like angus after fucking three songs um was
totally fucking
just killing it and the first time i saw him i bought tickets right down in
like the
fucking they call them the pool seats because there used to be a pool at the hollywood
bowl
wasn't original somebody decided to put it in there and then i don't know what
happened
fucked with the sound or they were too far away from the fans i don't know so
they still
to this day they got rid of the pool and then they just call them the pool
seats so i sat
there and like somebody's whole fucking bass rig was right in front of me so i
couldn't even see
him i had to watch him on the big fucking tv screen killing my neck so this
time i had a great angle
i totally could see him play and he absolutely destroyed herbie hancock of
course was amazing
the band of course he always plays with top-notch people and they're bringing
all these uh
guests on there was this fucking guy came on goes by the name of thundercat
and i'm saying i was with my lovely wife i'm like isn't it like a fucking
cartoon or some
sort of sci-fi shit sure enough it was he dresses like one of the thundercats
and comes out with like
a bass and plays like jimmy hendrix and sings amazing it was incredible and
then the opening band
also blew me away if you get a chance to see him it's r plus r equals now and
um
i guess it was a who's who of fucking uh musicians but they had a trumpet
player i think that's what
he was playing his horn was all twisted up like beyond dizzy gillespie shit
this guy christian scott
who was fucking incredible justin tyson drums derrick hodge was on bass i
forget the other guys
names i should have them in front of me but if you get a chance to see them
um i don't know it's just great to see human beings still doing that you know
where now everything is
just sort of like automated or whatever you've seen him basically kind of
moving in with the robots a
little bit there was one at the airport i walked in was just like this head and
it just went like
on like a screen or something was like well hello and how are you being all
friendly
am i immediately as i was thinking of how many human beings were sitting there
trying to figure out
like okay what sex should the robot be is a female voice more inviting than a
male voice i can't even
remember what it was what range let's uh let's get some fucking meth heads in
here and let's put some
fucking those those little fucking circle things you know that scientists
always use that ekg
shit stick it on your brain and shit and they try to figure out like what you
know what tone of voice
is most inviting like all of that went into that stupid thing going oh how are
you now supposed to
uh i don't know what am i what am i talking about what am i ever talking about
who the
knows so uh aside from the incredible music that i saw my favorite thing ever
is making my wife
laugh to the point that she has to take a walk i call it the walk off laugh and
i got her last night
um there was this lady right and she had like the uh
the the classic like katie lang haircut or a woman of a certain age who doesn't
want to deal with their
hair anymore and she had more white hair than gray it was salt and pepper but
mostly salt and it was
super fucking thick and sort of wavy and shit and she was just right out of my
peripheral and i looked
over and i was like oh shit right and right as neil was looking i was like i
thought that was one of
the beach boys because she looked like that fucking brian wilson guy you know
they all got like that thick
gray gray fucking hair at this point and i didn't realize near was such a beach
boy fan because she
fucking when she really fucking laughs
she looks away there's a pause before it even comes out and then she starts
laughing and she can't
fucking stop um it's been a minute i used to get those with her all the time
but you know once you have
the kid you're like tired and focused on making the kid laugh so uh you know
date nights are important
so that was just like oh there you go there now we're back on track now we're
in love again
um not that we weren't but you know what i mean married people with kids
understand so um
it was just an incredible night so i got to see these amazing amazing
fucking musicians everybody knows herbie hancock r plus r equals now you got to
see
that band and the band leader was hilarious he came out like a comic
just shitting on everybody going hey you guys didn't even clap when we came out
you know i know
you're sitting there eating your sandwiches and you got your ice and you're
drinking
he kept saying dropped a couple of f-bombs um
and a couple the lady next to us actually got mad i want to look over like he's
joking
this is merely a tool to get you to pay attention getting all fucking upset
like a
fucking older person on facebook talking about politics so then that became the
bit for me
not that this guy i love that he was giving people shit but just watching how
mad he could make this
woman um but then they started playing and then she shut the fuck up because
they were that good
so it was great it was like watching a great comic he came out he lost part of
the crowd but then he
was so fucking good they had to go along for the fu