Name: Monday Morning Podcast 8-26-19
Uploaded: 2019-08-26T17:41:54.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 8-26-19' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-08-26. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 8-26-19' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-08-26. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 8-26-19

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday, August 25th, 2019. What's going on? How are you? How you
doing? Oh, I got a bunch of shit to do tomorrow. So I'm recording Sunday night.
People are slow. They're starting to go to sleep. My lovely daughter's gone to
bed. My lovely wife is upstairs, you know, fucking watching the TV or whatever,
loving life.
Then I'm not there ruining her shows, ruining, ruining her shows. So anyways,
let me knock this thing out here.
All right. I got a lot to talk about, so I don't want any interruptions. You
just fucking sit there and listen. I'm sick of you goddamn people. You
understand me?
Anybody under the age of like 33, I've had enough of you. I've had enough of
you, you fucking selfies and the camera just being on you and not having the
decency to whore yourself out and get into show business like me.
And all you fucking youngsters out, oh, I decide that I'm going to have a TV
show. Who the fuck do you think you are?
All right. I got in this business. You had to suck a dick to get something.
And that's what Me Too is all about.
Setting the masses free to create their own mediocre content.
You can create mediocre content without sucking a dick.
Thank you very much. That's what we've learned here.
OK, the artistic process can continue.
Um, the self-congratulatory fucking thing.
All right.
This is what I'm hoping for.
OK, after watching that Florida fucking Miami football game,
if that's what the fuck you want to call that horse shit defense on both sides
of the fucking ball.
I had to shut it off.
I shut it off and then I watched I had to take a break from the game.
I'm a stand up comic.
And I was disgusted with the level of defense in that fucking game.
The horse shit tackling on both sides of the ball, both sides of the field,
both teams.
Jesus Christ, this is what happens when the coach can't slap you anymore.
I don't know what it is, but like this whole fucking.
I'm just I'm just waiting for somebody to rebel against these self-congratulations.
That that just everybody is fucking doing now.
Whether you're flipping over a fucking water bottle.
I know that's an old reference, but I'm an old guy, so I'm entitled.
OK, flipping a water bottle over or you just fucking seal the corner and force
the run back to the inside for a one yard game.
This is this celebrating.
And posing and nodding and fucking, you know, the whole Hulkamania fight.
He only did it once a fight.
He built you.
He earned the fucking moment when he finally ripped his fucking shirt off.
I'm just wondering.
The same way, like in music, every every couple of years, it's like somebody
strips it down and brings it back, man.
You know, which is just at that at this point.
Even that is just like played out.
But like the first time the fucking Ramones, the Ramones and all of them came
out and they just rebelled against the giant arena rock behemoth that rock had
become with all the fucking pyrotechnics and all of that fucking horse shit.
Then they fucking stripped it down.
Is there going to be a group of young people that just bring back getting a
first down, flipping the ball to the ref and going back to the huddle or making
a fucking the if you've taped the game, just go back and watch and remember the
numbers of the players.
Because you watch them act like they just ended the game and single handedly
won it for their fucking team.
And two plays later, they're out of position.
They get run over or they get beat.
I saw a fucking guy, right?
It was like a fade route to the sideline.
It's a nice pass.
The receiver beat the cornerback.
Cornerback.
It just ended up being out of bounds, slightly out of bounds.
And the guy caught the ball.
All right.
So the corner got lucky.
What does he do?
Because it's out of bounds.
He starts yelling in that guy's face like he just fucking stuck him or knocked
the ball down.
It's like, buddy, you just got beat.
The fuck are you yapping about, right?
Yap, yap, yap, yap, yap.
Two fucking plays later.
Florida fucking runs the goddamn ball for like 40 yard touchdown, 30 yard
touchdown.
Just runs through the defense.
And one of those guys was the guy fucking yapping two plays before.
Now, where'd he go?
Oh, he just fucking disappears.
Dude, that game was so fucking ugly.
It needed Vince Lombardi to come back from the grave to be walking up and down
the sideline.
Y'all, what the hell's going on out there?
Grab, grab, grab.
Nobody tackling.
All right.
And it wasn't just the defensive players.
Not just coming down on them.
It was everybody.
Even the fucking field goal kicker.
Fucking Miami's down, right?
They're going to go for a field goal.
I don't even know what the fucking score is.
I don't even give a shit.
I'm so disgusted with everybody acting every other play like they just ended
the fucking game.
And then getting smoked two plays fucking later.
All right.
So the fucking field goal kicker lines up a kick, right?
Right after he's back there.
They're going to kick a field goal.
Take three points.
Go John Madden with it.
Take the points, right?
They call the fucking LSU fake.
The little flip.
And he fucking runs for a first down.
And now he's jumping around like he's fucking Bo Jackson.
Nodding his head.
Fucking all of this fucking bullshit.
And what does this fucking poor bastard do?
They end up getting stopped.
The end of that drive, right?
They were down like the fucking 19, 20 yard line with that first down.
They drive in another whatever.
And then it's fourth down.
Now they got to kick a field goal.
It's a fucking chip shot.
Looks like an eight yarder.
If that's even possible.
Fucking 15 yarder.
What is this guy who is just fucking, you know,
jumping all around about what the fuck he just did?
He fucking missed it.
He missed it.
See, if I was the coach of either one of these fucking teams,
this is what I would show the fucking play they made
with the dancing and singing and all of the fucking horse shit, right?
And standing up on the bench.
And fucking wearing the fat boys chain, you know?
I love when you get the turnover chain when the other team fucks up too.
It's like you didn't even cause the turnover.
They just had a bad fucking exchange.
And you're fucking standing there like you just won a Grammy for playing
football, right?
I would show them celebrating and then the next play where they got smoked.
And then be like, there was fucking two minutes left in the first quarter.
You're already at the after party and we got our asses whacked and lost the
first game of the season.
Now, it sounds like I'm just coming down to Miami.
I'm not.
Okay?
Florida was doing the same fucking thing.
And then their quarterback, he fucking goes down.
They're losing.
Okay?
They're ranked.
Number eight.
Miami's not even ranked.
So they ought to be ashamed of themselves that they're in a game this fucking
close
if you're going to believe the rankings.
But who can in the beginning of the fucking season, right?
So they go down the fucking field.
Okay, now that they're down, after they let up a 50-yard run, the one that I
had to shut
the fucking game off of, just running through like fucking, you know, I don't
know what it
was, like fucking daffodil arms just right down the fucking field.
It was a joke.
Melted butter defense.
I think that was what they had in for that fucking play.
So now they have to come back against a team that's not even fucking ranked.
So what do they do?
They call the Verzi call.
Verzi loves it.
Up top, first down.
Keep them honest, right?
They go up top.
They connect.
Great pass.
Great catch.
Gets them down.
Gets them down into the red zone.
Couple plays later, the quarterback calls his own number, fucking runs in, gets
a touchdown.
And then he jumps up and does the fucking run DMC pose like he just ended the
fucking game.
All right?
I can't even remember what happened.
I was so fucking beside myself watching the game.
Somehow Miami turns over the ball on downs.
They get sacked.
Okay?
The young quarterback, who I thought, you know, markedly improved throughout
the fucking game
for his first game.
He was taking a lot of sacks in the first half.
Well, he should have gotten rid of the ball.
And then he wasn't making that same mistake in the second half.
You could tell.
But on that last play, he's trying to make something happen.
He's hanging on the ball.
Desperate times.
He takes a fucking sack.
4.50 left.
And I see one of those Florida players celebrating after he tackles.
And I'm thinking, you know, this is the first time I can justifiably see
celebrating.
Because you essentially just ended the fucking game.
Not really.
There's five minutes left.
But I can see that you're starting to get excited.
So he fucking celebrates.
All right?
Florida gets the fucking ball.
Takes over on downs.
The guy who just did the run DMC pose.
What does he do?
For some reason, they tell him to go to the air.
I don't know why.
He goes to the air and immediately throws a fucking pick.
Puts Miami right back into the game.
Right back into the fucking game.
And it just blew my mind.
I'm not singling anybody out.
I'm just the plays that I remember here.
I'm sure they're all wonderful with great parents and all.
I'm just saying.
The amount of fucking celebrating and just fucking chewing up the scenery that
was going on with both of those fucking teams.
When that game wasn't in the bag until like probably my recorder shut off.
I know the final score was like 24-20, wasn't it?
I don't know what it was.
But Jesus fucking Christ.
I know that kids play with passion.
I know back in the day, it was more of like a fucking sharecropper fucking
league.
You know?
And there was all these old grumpy white guys telling everybody that they can't
have any fun.
And you had to wear a fedora and be a fucking asshole.
There has to be a happy medium between that and this fucking ridiculousness.
It was like that team sitcom fame meant a football game.
Players running up to the audience, you know, trying to get them going like it's
a college football crowd.
They're going.
They've spent dad and mom's money on booze.
They're ready to go.
They understand it's a big game of the year.
I just didn't.
I didn't.
I don't know.
I don't know.
That's it.
We're going to have these new sections on my podcast called Grumpy Old Man.
And that was it right there.
That was my grumpy old man.
I was so excited for the first game of the year.
And every time I think it's going to come back a little bit, I think it's going
to come back.
It just keeps going further into that fucking direction, which is why I think
my favorite athlete right now, even though I don't know how to say his first
name, is that dude, Leonard, on Toronto.
And I was also a big fan of Marshawn Lynch, where he would just, well, I mean,
maybe he said, like, I deserve to celebrate.
I just liked his post-game interviews.
I'm just about to work, boss.
Leonard won't even high-five his other teammates before a fucking playoff game.
I mean, doesn't that, at this point, doesn't that seem more like Jesus?
Like, that's the fucking guy.
This guy's going out here with a fucking look on his face like Sonny Liston.
Anyway, speaking of Sonny Liston, I just read that book.
Somebody from the movie I just did, one of the sound people, I never got his
fucking name.
He bought a great book for my daughter and then bought me that book.
So if he's listening, thank you very much.
I read The Devil and Sonny Liston.
I read, and I learned all of this stuff.
And most importantly, I learned about, I'm going to post a clip of this guy.
I learned about a fighter who arguably should have been champion at one point,
or at the very least, should have been given a shot at the title.
This guy, Cleveland Williams.
I hope I'm saying his fucking name right.
And this fucking guy.
Do you remember that fucking, the first time you saw Mike Tyson, if you're as
old as me?
Okay.
The first time you saw his speed, where he threw the left hook to th