Name: Monday Morning Podcast 9-2-19
Uploaded: 2019-09-03T17:12:59.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 9-2-19' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-09-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 9-2-19' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-09-03. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 9-2-19

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the monday morning podcast
for monday
september 2nd 2019 happy fucking labor day
now why is he fucking wires all twisted up again why don't i untwist them
before i start the
fucking podcast nah that would make your life easy bill that's not what you
like to do you
got too much fucking irish blood in you so what do you do you fucking leave god
damn fucking thing
all right is that better is that better untwisty untwisty sorry happy labor day
to everybody out
there that's actually got a fucking job and uh ate a lemon off of uncle sam
you know what i think i think on labor day everybody with a job ought to get
the day off
and anybody laying around like these fucking homeless people ought to be sent
to work
stick that stinky motherfucker for uh underneath the bench stick him in one of
them fucking ups stores
so i can mail out a thank you card for the 12 pack a fucking pack blue ribbon
that was sent to me
but my other brother who has a fucking job
that's the problem with these fucking liberals
labor day weekend they let everybody celebrate it
you should you should prove that you're you're gainfully fucking employed
before you have one sip of
miller lock this weekend
how do you prove it all you do is take off your fucking shades
and people look into your eye and they see that laughless look
and they see your dream that died in the middle of that fucking big sorrowful
swimming pool of shit
that you call a pupil
then they'll be like this man's a working man
i gotta admit man
you know
every once in a while i do see a homeless person
and i'm tired
and i just see them laying on the sidewalk sleeping
and you start thinking like you know i'd fucking love to be doing that right
now
i wouldn't want to be homeless
but i would just i would love
to just fucking lay down and take a nap right now
and that guy's doing it
he's living his best life
what are you guys doing for labor day weekend i imagine you're doing it right
now
huh
you're having a good time
then you got a short week
then you got a short week
and i believe nfl football
starts next week
college football started this weekend
with the college football kickoff
uh dallas cowboy stadium
and whoo
it was a barn burner
the alabama crimson tide
versus the duke blue devils
i know when they started the broadcast
the guy oh we've been waiting a long time for this one
what he meant was
for college football to start
he wasn't saying you know
as much as i enjoyed
the past 150 years
whatever the fuck it is
100 years of fucking college football
the one thing that has been missing
is i just wish duke would have alabama on their football schedule
so we could finally settle the argument of who is better
i will say though duke played the first quarter
forced that fumble
they were playing great
and uh
i know a lot of people
you should have gone
should kick the field goal
why don't you kick the field goal
get get points
get on the board
that's what i thought too
i thought they should have done that too
just just to even just say you at one point you were up three to nothing
like the new england patriots
when we played the 85 bears
tony franklin came in right
kicked that field goal
we were up three to nothing
three i told that story in the edelman thing
which i still haven't even seen
because i don't have showtime's
fucking uh
frequent flyer
whatever fucking streaming service
my wife
oh let me tell my wife
she's hilarious
she tells
oh yeah we have all of that stuff
we have amazon
hulu showtime
and i'm like all right great
and then i go to sit down
i wanted to watch
jim gaffigan's special on amazon
we didn't have that
amazon prime
right
and then uh
and then we didn't have the showtime thing
so i have to add that to my packages
you know so i can be
i want to be the person in america
paying the most for his fucking direct tv
because i know all you kids now
you just stream everything
i'm old school
if i want to channel
i call up the cable company
and i order it
i think i pay about
nine hundred sixty five dollars a month
in cable fees
actually who the fuck was saying
red band was saying
he was going to come over my house
and fucking
figure out everything i was doing wrong
and get me down to about
thirty eight dollars a month
um
and i said that would be great
and that was the last time we ever spoke
no
um
i gotta get him to come over here
and figure that shit out
um
anyway
congratulations to alabama starting
i don't understand
why was that the kickoff classic
why didn't you make it
uh
auburn
oregon
like every year
they have
a uh
you know
so they're not all cupcake games
they have
one game where it's two ranked people
coming out of the gate
now
why doesn't jerry jones get that fucking game
i'll tell you why
because he's a southerner
and alabama's just a little bit further south
than duke
and duke has that northern vibe to them
you know
they're smart
they brush their teeth
you know
making a forward haircut
i mean that just screams
you know
north of the mason
dixon line
all right
you get those country folks
with that wild look in their eyes
like i i can't imagine
you know who should get a fucking award
is the hair and makeup people
on the farmers only commercial
i don't know how long
they had to go in there
and get all the fucking
you know
just scrub those fucking people down
and i know this is coming off
as elitist
blue state
liberal elite
elitism
but i've been to all the states
i've been to most of the cities
i've seen the people
white people
in the south
are filthy
okay
if i was running shit
instead of building a wall
i'd take that money
and i build a giant bathtub
and i would
i would say
that we got a free
smoker
to the first
five million people
that show up
and when they show
everybody shows up
you just
you just push them in the tub
before they get out
they're all scrubbed up
and clean
i'm fucking with you
um
alabama
the people brush their teeth
there too
i just like
i just like being a dick
um
anyway
anyway
um
i have been doing
some shit
but only fun shit
this weekend
for my labor day weekend
i am working on
my stand-up act
uh
last night
had a great night
i went
a buddy of mine
and myself
went over to
uh
the rainbow room
classic
rocker club
from the 1980s
and they had
uh
all of these bands
from the 1980s
playing in the
fucking lot
out behind the
uh
the fuck is that
place called
next door
i always forget
the name of that place
legendary place
i forget the name
of it
what is it
the anvil
it's always
something heavy
right
um
i don't know
what it was
but they had
a stage out
back
and they had
all of these
fucking people
and
i swear to god
as great as the
bands were
i think the people
watching was even
better
i went there
and i felt
like i was
at my first
concert again
except
they took
that aging
app
you know
that they do
on social media
and just
aged everybody
30 years
or 33
years
that's the last
that was my
first concert
86
and uh
people still
dressed up
people still
with long hair
and shit
it was just
it was fucking
great
i just sat
there
me and my
buddy
big smiles
on our faces
listening to
the music
watching all
the people
the whole
fucking scene
at one point
someone was
just like
uh
who was there
back in the day
here on sunset
let me see your
hands
you know
like fucking
like 30 people
put their hands
up
and they're
still there
flying the
flag of metal
man
it was great
and the thing
that i've always
loved about
the era of music
make fun of it
if you want
i don't give a
fuck
they could
fucking play
and they could
sing
it wasn't
this auto-tune
horse shit
and all that
i'm gonna sound
like your
grandfather here
but i'm telling
you they could
they could
still fucking
play
and uh
adler's appetite
closed it out
so i got to
see steven adler
play live again
one of my
favorite drummers
of all time
and he fucking
killed it
and he was
working the
crowd
it was awesome
it was fucking
awesome
and me and my
buddies had a
great time
and then afterwards
uh
we rode over
to the
um
we rode over
to the
comedy store
i jumped on
did a quick
set
and i'm gonna
try to get out
somewhere this week
and try to do a
full hour
somewhere here in
la and uh
just before i get
out there and i go
do my um
my show out in
uh las vegas
which i'm really
looking forward to
um getting back
out there and then
my special comes out
september 10th
so today is the
second a week from
today is the ninth
that means a week
from tomorrow
is when my
special comes
out so
oh freckles
better start
writing
now i got my
new i got a
new hour of
shit
that uh
that i can
say that is
different from
everything that
i've done
um
on my special
which i'm really
happy about
because you know
i did all that
acting work this
summer so i was
worried about
that but i was
in new york city
so i got plenty
of stage time
so i think i'm
ready to go
um and with
that uh sort
of uh some you
know sad week
condolences to
franco colombo
one of the great
bodybuilders of
all time one of
the great uh
physical therapists
i actually went to
him a couple of
times through the
person that was
helping me out
with uh my
shoulder and my
sciatic issues
and um my
masseuse who's a
fucking jedi was
saying was like in
awe of franco's
abilities saying she
always had to
like she asked
to touch you to
figure out what's
wrong and how
franco could just
look at you and
knew what was wrong
and she would
always shake her
head about his
abilities and i
went over there
and i was talking
to him about how
my shoulder was
messed up and
for some reason
he was just
sitting there
listening to me
and i was
presenting theories
as to why i
thought my
shoulder got
fucked up and
he just sat
there with this
half a smile on
his face waited
for me to finish
and then told me
exactly what the
fuck was wrong
with me
gave me this
stretch for my
pecs
which i kind of
stopped doing but
immensely helped me
and then i've been
and then of course i
fixed my right
shoulder then now my
left shoulders got
fucked up in the
process so i've been
doing his exercises
they taught me and
now my left shoulder
is getting to where i
needed to be but um
i only met him a
couple of times but i
watched him for years
um rest in peace to
the great franco
colombo and also uh
f2 driver anthony
hubert i hope i said
his name right was
killed over the
weekend uh crash on
the track and then
also kevin hart the
great kevin hart well
wishes speedy recovery
i should have said he
was all right in case
you didn't hear the
story i've got no
car accident i don't
think he was driving
either so uh i hope
wish him a speedy
recovery all right
there we go there
we go jesus not to
bum you out on uh
labor day weekend
here what are you
guys doing you got
the big green egg
going huh you got
your butcher block
meats look at me
product placement
although the big
green egg has never
fucking um the big
green egg is never
advertised here on the
big red douches show
very surprising to me
my big green egg if
fucking heraldo
rivera saw it he'd
make a special about
it to see what was
inside of it
that's how long it's
been since i cooked
on it i've just been
so fucking busy it
kills me i gotta get
that thing cranking up
again because as you
know the summer is not
over okay the summer
officially ends september
23rd i don't give a
fuck what that nerd said
over there in amsterdam
okay when i look up on
the internet when is
summer over it says
fucking september 23rd
so i'm sticking with
that rather than some
random fucking tall
skinny white dude
fucking the netherlands
telling me what's going
on um
him with this fucking
horse shit
coriola coriolis effect
whatever the hell he was
talking about
um so anyway still have
not smoked a cigar
jesus christ
it's not one thing it's
another so i laid off the
cigars
you know and now i'm
fucking eating m&ms
it's unreal like i have
you am i the only one
going through this shit
like at the end of the
day something's gotta get
me ramped up
i tried fucking reading
tried it it just you know
that's what i need to go
back to reading i gotta go
back to being fland