Name: Bill Burr | Five Cities - Part I: Liverpool
Uploaded: 2019-09-04T15:03:06.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr | Five Cities - Part I: Liverpool' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-09-04. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr | Five Cities - Part I: Liverpool' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-09-04. Transcript available.

"We have all kinds of cultures in this city."
My name's Bill Burr.
Yeah.
So where you guys usually have culture and beautiful music.
We have all kinds of culture in this city.
Yeah, I'm gonna go down there with my filth.
This really is a beautiful city.
Although I gotta tell you, I Instagrammed and said that I was here in Liverpool
and the other people around England did not have nice things to say,
but I think that's based on sports.
Hey, it's going to the Beatles' house.
Is that like a really, not the house, like where the band played,
is that really a stupid touristy thing to do?
The cabin?
Yeah.
I think it's a must tourist thing to do because it's Matthew Street.
It's the history of it.
It's when it all began.
Excuse me, sir.
May I interrupt?
Yes.
It's not the original.
No.
Yeah, so...
No, but...
Oh, so it's like going to Cheers in Boston.
You go in, you think it's going to look like the bar, and it isn't.
Thank you guys.
See you in there.
Bye.
We got this for you.
No, did they?
Yeah.
What?
I don't have time to do this.
I have a show and a special to get ready for.
That's right.
Get used to this shirt.
I don't know who makes this shirt.
This is the greatest fucking shirt.
I didn't even iron it.
I just threw it.
You wear it well.
Thank you, Kenny.
I'm going to wear it the whole time.
I wore it like 9 out of 10 days that first European run.
Good luck.
Yeah.
I'm just not going to like...
Listen, Kenny, I can never like live up to your standard of fashion.
You know?
I mean, look at you.
Sweatshirts, jeans, sketchers.
I thought I had ideas onto it.
You dress like Lee Majors on his...
Dubai McMahon on his day off.
That's a compliment.
I fucking hate salads.
You know?
And as painful as it is to eat one of these,
it's way more painful to hear your derogatory comments when I don't.
I'm in fucking great shape right now.
Look at me.
Fifty fucking years old.
Look at this.
You don't see the fucking...
Huh?
Big keg belly.
You seeing all these fat fucking cunts with their crocs.
You know the red light is coming from the sound.
Hey, Britt.
What do you guys have against food?
No wonder they went around and they tried to conquer everything.
They were just trying to get all the spices, right?
What happens to you when you reach a certain age?
You start crossing your legs.
I hate how good this feels.
You know?
There's something about it.
I love the way he says my name.
Because my name is only two syllables.
Bill Burr.
The way he hasn't tried to stretch it out.
Your comedian tonight.
Bill Burr.
He always sounds like surprised.
Like...
Please welcome Bill's special guest.
He's a really good friend.
He was the...
I just met him.
I just met him.
Don't stop the show with a lie.
One more welcome for Mr. Chris Cairns.
I'm gonna have to talk with him.
He's a real good friend.
Get Kenny in here.
I need to talk to him.
Immediately.
Hey, we need to talk.
Just say he was a really good friend.
I just met him.
He just started this show in a lie.
Now, God damn it.
I've built my entire career that my shit jokes come from a place of truth.
You're right.
You're right.
You have integrity.
Didn't cop them.
Why would I do this now?
Are you ready to go right back?
Can you say my name?
Can you say my name?
Can you say my name?
I'll see you tomorrow.
Alright, let's go.
Huh?
Fuck you.
Can you imagine if I was like that?
Geez, you guys got all quiet like I was like that.
What are you doing?
I'm good.
Let's do it.
An old school camera.
I love it.
Now, what are you gonna do with it?
You can upload that still?
Yeah.
How old's your laptop?
Oh, you haven't got a laptop.
I like this guy.
He's not on the grid.
What's going on?
It's a pleasure to meet you.
This is me if I was in Lamb of God.
People in Liverpool do not give a shit about polar bears.
All of that ice that those things can't swim on are in this fucking thing right
here.
Look at this.
This is six oysters.
It's like a gallon of ice.
Your brain moves like three times faster than mine.
Thanks.
This way.
All right, Soren.
We're on Matthew Street in Liverpool.
This is like allegedly where the Beatles started.
Or whatever.
They didn't.
They moved it.
It's like cheers in Boston.
Don't go in it.
You're gonna be disappointed.
Well, they did all this shit here.
And we're gonna go down and check it out.
This is the ATM that they used to use.
Ringo would take out a couple of pounds and go buy some drumsticks.
You know what's crazy is you go to Germany, you can still go to the Zeppelin
field and stand right where Hitler stood.
I can stand where Hitler stood and I can't stand where the fucking Beatles
stood.
I mean, what kind of world do we live in?
All right, this is where they weren't.
They were never here.
A little bit.
All right, Pete Best, you know.
How much sympathy pussy do you think he got in his life?
Pete Best.
They never should have kicked you out.
All right, so Andrew wanted to go into the Beatles Museum.
And I just saw this is supposed to be John Lennon.
I was just like, all right, this is what the fuck they're leading with?
Dude, come here.
Look at the tape.
They stole that mannequin from the Gap.
Just slapped a bunch of shit on it.
Some brown flesh.
That is the only thing I've seen here that is worse than their fucking food.
I was just joking with Andrew.
I was like, you know, after three days of eating in England,
I now understand why Gordon Ramsay is so fucking mad all the time.
The fuck are you doing?
Dude, how bad were those fucking rice balls?
Oh, my God.
They were soggy.
That fucking Mama Celeste pizza.
Dude, it's just funny.
It's an Italian restaurant.
And I heard this woman mumble.
It was good.
It was good.
I go, is it good?
She's like, it's unbelievable.
Then I was like, oh, fuck.
I thought they were tourists.
I don't understand how you can live this close to France and Italy and fuck up
a fucking pizza and steak as much as they do.
But I'll tell you.
You know what it is?
Because this is what they focus all their shit on.
The pubs.
Their pubs are unbelievable.
Their sports are unbelievable.
Sense of humor is unbelievable.
But the fucking food.
Alright, here's why I already like this statue is how tall they made them.
This is it.
I feel like I did it.
You know, sharp dressers.
I don't like...
Look, they have the Michael J. Fox ties on there.
So he gets the roses because he's the last one who died.
It's his birthday Monday.
Oh, it's his birthday Monday.
Oh, okay.
Dude, I swear to God.
I have struck out so bad with the fucking food here.
He tasted those oysters, right?
I thought I was going to get food poisoning.
So anyways, yeah.
This is how you have to fucking eat in this business.
If I go a pound above 172, that's all I get is Billy fat tits, Billy booze bag.
I don't know.
Terms of endearment.
It's Billy Seymour Hoffman.
So, Liverpool has a game tonight.
They're in first place as far as...
Ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the Mississippi Ball.
Where tonight, we have to present live in concert, Bill Burns.
We have to present live in concert.
We have to present live in concert.
We have to present live in concert.
We have to present live in concert.
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Bill Burr | Five Cities - Part I: Liverpool

"We have all kinds of cultures in this city."
My name's Bill Burr.
Yeah.
So where you guys usually have culture and beautiful music.
We have all kinds of culture in this city.
Yeah, I'm gonna go down there with my filth.
This really is a beautiful city.
Although I gotta tell you, I Instagrammed and said that I was here in Liverpool
and the other people around England did not have nice things to say,
but I think that's based on sports.
Hey, it's going to the Beatles' house.
Is that like a really, not the house, like where the band played,
is that really a stupid touristy thing to do?
The cabin?
Yeah.
I think it's a must tourist thing to do because it's Matthew Street.
It's the history of it.
It's when it all began.
Excuse me, sir.
May I interrupt?
Yes.
It's not the original.
No.
Yeah, so...
No, but...
Oh, so it's like going to Cheers in Boston.
You go in, you think it's going to look like the bar, and it isn't.
Thank you guys.
See you in there.
Bye.
We got this for you.
No, did they?
Yeah.
What?
I don't have time to do this.
I have a show and a special to get ready for.
That's right.
Get used to this shirt.
I don't know who makes this shirt.
This is the greatest fucking shirt.
I didn't even iron it.
I just threw it.
You wear it well.
Thank you, Kenny.
I'm going to wear it the whole time.
I wore it like 9 out of 10 days that first European run.
Good luck.
Yeah.
I'm just not going to like...
Listen, Kenny, I can never like live up to your standard of fashion.
You know?
I mean, look at you.
Sweatshirts, jeans, sketchers.
I thought I had ideas onto it.
You dress like Lee Majors on his...
Dubai McMahon on his day off.
That's a compliment.
I fucking hate salads.
You know?
And as painful as it is to eat one of these,
it's way more painful to hear your derogatory comments when I don't.
I'm in fucking great shape right now.
Look at me.
Fifty fucking years old.
Look at this.
You don't see the fucking...
Huh?
Big keg belly.
You seeing all these fat fucking cunts with their crocs.
You know the red light is coming from the sound.
Hey, Britt.
What do you guys have against food?
No wonder they went around and they tried to conquer everything.
They were just trying to get all the spices, right?
What happens to you when you reach a certain age?
You start crossing your legs.
I hate how good this feels.
You know?
There's something about it.
I love the way he says my name.
Because my name is only two syllables.
Bill Burr.
The way he hasn't tried to stretch it out.
Your comedian tonight.
Bill Burr.
He always sounds like surprised.
Like...
Please welcome Bill's special guest.
He's a really good friend.
He was the...
I just met him.
I just met him.
Don't stop the show with a lie.
One more welcome for Mr. Chris Cairns.
I'm gonna have to talk with him.
He's a real good friend.
Get Kenny in here.
I need to talk to him.
Immediately.
Hey, we need to talk.
Just say he was a really good friend.
I just met him.
He just started this show in a lie.
Now, God damn it.
I've built my entire career that my shit jokes come from a place of truth.
You're right.
You're right.
You have integrity.
Didn't cop them.
Why would I do this now?
Are you ready to go right back?
Can you say my name?
Can you say my name?
Can you say my name?
I'll see you tomorrow.
Alright, let's go.
Huh?
Fuck you.
Can you imagine if I was like that?
Geez, you guys got all quiet like I was like that.
What are you doing?
I'm good.
Let's do it.
An old school camera.
I love it.
Now, what are you gonna do with it?
You can upload that still?
Yeah.
How old's your laptop?
Oh, you haven't got a laptop.
I like this guy.
He's not on the grid.
What's going on?
It's a pleasure to meet you.
This is me if I was in Lamb of God.
People in Liverpool do not give a shit about polar bears.
All of that ice that those things can't swim on are in this fucking thing right
here.
Look at this.
This is six oysters.
It's like a gallon of ice.
Your brain moves like three times faster than mine.
Thanks.
This way.
All right, Soren.
We're on Matthew Street in Liverpool.
This is like allegedly where the Beatles started.
Or whatever.
They didn't.
They moved it.
It's like cheers in Boston.
Don't go in it.
You're gonna be disappointed.
Well, they did all this shit here.
And we're gonna go down and check it out.
This is the ATM that they used to use.
Ringo would take out a couple of pounds and go buy some drumsticks.
You know what's crazy is you go to Germany, you can still go to the Zeppelin
field and stand right where Hitler stood.
I can stand where Hitler stood and I can't stand where the fucking Beatles
stood.
I mean, what kind of world do we live in?
All right, this is where they weren't.
They were never here.
A little bit.
All right, Pete Best, you know.
How much sympathy pussy do you think he got in his life?
Pete Best.
They never should have kicked you out.
All right, so Andrew wanted to go into the Beatles Museum.
And I just saw this is supposed to be John Lennon.
I was just like, all right, this is what the fuck they're leading with?
Dude, come here.
Look at the tape.
They stole that mannequin from the Gap.
Just slapped a bunch of shit on it.
Some brown flesh.
That is the only thing I've seen here that is worse than their fucking food.
I was just joking with Andrew.
I was like, you know, after three days of eating in England,
I now understand why Gordon Ramsay is so fucking mad all the time.
The fuck are you doing?
Dude, how bad were those fucking rice balls?
Oh, my God.
They were soggy.
That fucking Mama Celeste pizza.
Dude, it's just funny.
It's an Italian restaurant.
And I heard this woman mumble.
It was good.
It was good.
I go, is it good?
She's like, it's unbelievable.
Then I was like, oh, fuck.
I thought they were tourists.
I don't understand how you can live this close to France and Italy and fuck up
a fucking pizza and steak as much as they do.
But I'll tell you.
You know what it is?
Because this is what they focus all their shit on.
The pubs.
Their pubs are unbelievable.
Their sports are unbelievable.
Sense of humor is unbelievable.
But the fucking food.
Alright, here's why I already like this statue is how tall they made them.
This is it.
I feel like I did it.
You know, sharp dressers.
I don't like...
Look, they have the Michael J. Fox ties on there.
So he gets the roses because he's the last one who died.
It's his birthday Monday.
Oh, it's his birthday Monday.
Oh, okay.
Dude, I swear to God.
I have struck out so bad with the fucking food here.
He tasted those oysters, right?
I thought I was going to get food poisoning.
So anyways, yeah.
This is how you have to fucking eat in this business.
If I go a pound above 172, that's all I get is Billy fat tits, Billy booze bag.
I don't know.
Terms of endearment.
It's Billy Seymour Hoffman.
So, Liverpool has a game tonight.
They're in first place as far as...
Ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the Mississippi Ball.
Where tonight, we have to present live in concert, Bill Burns.
We have to present live in concert.
We have to present live in concert.
We have to present live in concert.
We have to present live in concert.
We have to present live in concert.
We have to present live in concert.
We have to present live in concert.
We have to present live in concert.
We have to present live in concert.
We have to present live in concert.
We have to present live in concert.
We have to present live in concert.
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