Name: Monday Morning Podcast 9-9-19
Uploaded: 2019-09-09T17:39:42.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 9-9-19' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-09-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 9-9-19' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-09-09. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 9-9-19

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday, September 9th, 2019.
What's going on? How are you today?
Oh, Football Sunday started.
I just got done watching the Patriots versus the Steelers.
You know, 8.39 on a Sunday night out here on the West Coast, just got done
watching the game.
I thought the Steelers were going to get us.
You know, we usually start off slow.
You know, we've beaten them so many freaking times in a row.
I figured, all right, this is the time they're going to get us.
And I don't know what happened.
We looked really good.
But it's also the first game of the year.
So now they're going to be like, Jesus Christ, did you see what they did
against Pittsburgh?
Are they ever going to lose again in this century?
You know, they're going to do that.
Who knows? Are the Steelers that bad?
Are they fucking horrible?
Is that why we look good?
Or do the Steelers just have a fucking bad game?
I don't know.
Who the fuck knows?
All right.
But all I know is everybody on ESPN and all these sports things are going to
lose their minds.
I mean, I'll tell you right now, if they look this good, what's going to happen
when fucking Antonio Brown gets in there?
They're going to be doing that all fucking day long.
All right.
So, you know, we look good.
We looked good.
And we'll see what the fuck happens.
And then they said how we have a really easy schedule.
Like the next like five or six people we play, none of them made the playoffs
last year.
Which usually that means something in a sport.
But with the NFL and parity and how much people fucking move around, who knows?
I don't know.
I have no fucking idea.
All I know is it's a long goddamn year.
And we'll see what happens.
And Antonio Brown's coming to the Patriots.
Who would have thought?
Who would have thunk it?
Jesus Christ.
Condolences to people in Pittsburgh.
I know what it's like when you get rid of a fucking player.
You're like, good shit.
He's in Oakland.
I don't give a fuck.
We're never going to see the guy who gives a shit.
I hope he has a great fucking career out there.
And then all of a sudden he goes to the team he can never fucking beat.
That's happened to me a lot as a sports fan.
So I don't know what happened with the Raiders.
I talked to a couple people.
You know what I think happened?
I think that they were trying to fuck with his contract.
You know?
They just kept finding the guy.
And everything he fucking did.
They were like, yeah, what did you do that for?
That's a $40 fight.
And then they had some loophole, I guess, in the contract.
That if he, you know, conduct unbecoming a profession.
I don't know what the fuck it was.
And all of a sudden it voided his contract.
And they were going to try to keep him.
And not have to pay him all the fucking money they said they were going to pay
him.
Something like that.
I don't know.
I don't pay attention.
I don't know.
I didn't understand what any of the problem was with what he was doing.
He didn't like the helmet.
You know?
He yelled at one of the owners, called him a cracker, and said, I'll fucking
kill you.
I mean, he's on the Raiders.
You basically suspended him for acting like an old school Oakland Raider.
I mean, I could see if he played on the Chargers where they have powdered blue
uniforms and everybody's supposed to be like, hey, man, let's just throw the
ball around, man.
I don't know.
I have no fucking idea what happened.
And all I know is he fucking, they let him go.
And now he's on the Patriots.
Starts next week.
Crazy.
Who knows?
But does that automatically mean that it's going to be a fit?
Who the fuck knows?
But it's a great look for the Pats.
Because even if it doesn't work out with the guy, we only have him for like,
you know, a year.
It's like going to Vegas and meeting some crazy broad.
What the fuck do you care?
The second that's all, you're done.
It's done.
Jesus Christ.
She was nuts.
You see the size of that knife?
You know, but it's over.
You're back in your home state and nothing happened.
You know, you got a couple of red marks around your neck.
People say what happened.
You're like, oh, I walked into a spider web.
That's it.
You go back to your fucking eye.
You know what?
That isn't it.
It used to be it.
Back in the day, it used to be it.
But not anymore.
You combine social media and how much women love vengeance and snooping around.
There's no walking away.
You know, when I was a kid, you could fucking walk away.
Shit went down.
You walked away.
And then that was it.
And then maybe on your deathbed, you brought it up.
You know, not anymore.
Not anymore.
I saw it's a bad analogy.
I have no fucking idea.
I don't know what happened.
But somehow he's on our team.
God bless him.
I hope he enjoys it here.
And if he has, you know, I don't know, any issue or whatever, he doesn't like
it.
He's done in a fucking year anyway.
So who gives a shit, right?
I think it works out for everybody.
You know, if he has a great fucking year here, then he can ask for the, I don't
know, for the fucking moon again next year.
Right?
You know, I know there's a lot of takes on Antonio Brown coming to the Patriots,
but I'm going to go out on a limb and say that mine was the most uninformed.
And I don't even, I don't even think I just said anything.
I just didn't know you could act like too much of an asshole and get kicked off
the Raiders.
I'm just, I mean, I'm old.
You can kind of do whatever the fuck you wanted to do.
It seemed back in the day, come to the game half in the fucking bag.
They didn't give a shit.
You know, you just go out there and clothesline a couple of people.
That's fine.
You know, can you explain your play in the first half today?
I was still drunk.
I don't even fucking remember it.
I mean, that was the Raiders that I remember, but now it's a different time.
You know, everybody's got to act like a country music star and have family
values.
I wish I was the owner of a team and some fucking player called me a cracker so
they want to rip my fucking head off.
I'd look at all the other players and that's the kind of passion I'm looking
for in the locker room.
I'm signing his checks.
He's not afraid of me.
He just threatened my life in front of my fucking wife.
It's what I'm looking for.
You guys over there playing patty cake, shaking hands with the fucking players
on the other goddamn team after every fucking game, win or lose.
The next fucking guy who walks by me doesn't threaten my fucking life.
I'll tell you right now, I'm shipping you off to fucking Jacksonville.
Oh, poor Jacksonville.
Huh?
They got foals in there.
Threw an unbelievable fucking pass for a touchdown.
Great pass.
Great fucking catch.
And he gets fucking hurt.
What happened to him?
I was watching that game early today when I was in Vegas before I flew back in
time for the Sunday night game with the Patriots.
And that was a fucking tough game, man.
It was a good game as far as like a lot of anger, people beating the shit out
of somebody, got kicked out of the game for punching this guy in his fucking
helmet.
You know, I think in the future, you know, as they further protect kids, kids
are going to go to school with helmets on.
So when the bully comes up and hits him, he just hits him in the fucking helmet,
you know, and also with the cage that you have around your face.
People can't see you crying in there because it hurt your ear.
It caught you in the ear hole, you know.
Injuries.
Let's look this up.
Injuries.
Jacksonville.
I don't know.
Let's go.
Yeah.
Jacksonville Jaguars.
Let's see.
What do we got here?
Nick Foles.
Did I almost call him Eric Foles?
What the fuck is wrong with me?
He only came in and fucking beat the Patriots.
You don't remember his goddamn name, Bill.
How old are you?
And then they had that mustachio dude came in afterwards and he completed like
fucking, I don't know how many passes in a row, but they started talking about
it at five.
Tyreek Hill got hurt.
Shoulder injury.
What the fuck was the name of his backup who came in?
That's six in a row.
You know, the last guy that throws six in a row was 2011.
Seven in a row.
The whole fucking game.
And is that way, man, it was still a decent game.
Sounded like poor Collinsworth and Al Michaels tonight did a masterful job
calling a terrible game.
As far as entertainment value.
I mean, if my team wasn't the Patriots, I would have shut that fucking game off.
They did a great job.
But whatever.
So here we go.
Football season has started.
It's week one and don't listen to sports talk radio because their job is to
make anything you just saw be like, that's what it's going to be for the rest
of the year.
And they're going to start saying, well, it's how soon before so-and-so is on
the hot seat.
What's going on with the Cleveland Browns?
You know, they're going to flip out about fucking everything.
And then whatever good happened is just going to be the thing.
So who knows?
You got to wait like four weeks before you start three weeks, four weeks before
you start figuring out who's who, I would think.
I have no idea.
I'm just happy my team won.
And I had a great weekend.
I want to thank everybody who came out in Las Vegas, came out to my show with
the Cosmopolitan.
I had a great time.
Did like 85, 90% of shit that isn't on my special, my new special, which is
coming out tomorrow, Tuesday.
This is tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow.
September 10th on Netflix called Paper Tiger.
I'm very proud of it.
The job that Mike Binder did shooting this thing is absolutely gorgeous.
I just love the way it looks.
And hopefully people like the material.
But if you don't like the material, just hit mute and still watch the job that
the great Mike Binder did.
So anyway, we went out and had a bunch of friends show up to the show.
I worked with a buddy of mine, Rick D'Elia, that I started out with way back in
the day.
Started out together in Boston.
And the great Dean Del Rey.
Everybody fucking killed.
The crowd was awesome.
And so thank you guys so much for that.
And then I stuck around for an extra day.
And oh, no, wait.
No, that night we smoked some cigars.
And then afterwards I smoked a second one like an idiot.
But I had to because Bobby Kelly was in town and me, him and Rick D'Elia, you
know, I don't know.
Last time we got we all three of us hung out.
We went back.
I had a little balcony on my room, little porch area.
And we just sat there just fucking laughing our asses off, talking about all of
these fucking horrible gigs.
All of these horrible gigs that we did.
Just one after another.
We sat for like three hours and just taking turns.
And I thought I had heard all of Bobby and Rick's stories, you know, just
because I've known them for so long.
And they told me a couple.
Like Bobby told one.
I'm not going to tell the story because I don't know if it's his story to tell.
But the humiliation of the story.
And I was like, dude, you never told me that.
He goes, yeah, it's like, yeah, tragedy plus time.
I had to wait till we were fucking 27 years into this shit before I finally
felt comfortable enough to tell it to you.
But that was a great time.
And we stayed up.
It was fucking hilarious.
I stayed up till like 330 in the morning and then finally went to bed.
And, you know, I'm not drinking, but I still woke up the next day feeling like
I got hit by a bus.
I just can't stay out there.
I'm just old.
I can't do it.
And my lovely wife was out there and we went around, you know, she went
shopping and we had a good time and just it was great.
And then that night we all went to go see Elton John.
He's on his farewell tour.
And the guy just absolutely fucking murdered.
The guy played for three hours.
72 years old.
The guy plays for three hours and he starts with a hit and just keeps playing.
No opening act.
No need for one.
Just one hit after another.
For three hours.
And he comes out for like an encore.
He's like, what does he have left?
I'm not going to say what he played for the encore, but play two songs for t