Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 10-3-19
Uploaded: 2019-10-04T17:43:52.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 10-3-19' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-10-04. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 10-3-19' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-10-04. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 10-3-19

hey what's going on it's bill bird it's time for the thursday afternoon just
before friday
monday morning podcast and i am just checking in on you i'm just checking in on
you i'm just
checking in to see how your how your work week's going uh who's kidding who i'm
just checking in
because i don't want you to forget about me what was the name of that guy on
monday he was yelling
it's bill burr thursday afternoon just before friday monday morning podcast and
um i threw out
my back yep jesus bill a manager of your advanced age how did you do that
stretching
you know my left shoulder i'm fucking working through it right i've been going
to the gym going
to the pool i'm not i'm at that age that's how old i am you know when you're
younger you look at a
pool like oh my god imagine the fun we could have splashing about when you get
older you're just
like oh man that's it's re it's physical therapy is all you see oh i could
fucking get my shoulder i
could lift my arm up to the side without it fucking shooting pain down to my
wrist um
so whatever i had a little bit of frozen shoulder frozen shoulder you know
which as you know anybody
else rotated cup issue you can you can end up with one of those because you
limit the range of your
movement of your arm because it fucking hurts and then what happens is if you
don't do the full range
just i don't know what happens schmutz grows over your tendons and all of a
sudden
it fucking hurts to move your goddamn arm frozen shoulder everybody
i have the same thing that jeffrey dommer used to have for dessert
sorry it's a cannibalism joke come on
um
jeffrey uh dommer as a doctor
uh what can i do for you i got frozen shoulder sounds delicious
sorry you would not want to say that to jeffrey dommer you would not want to
come in in july
just put it that way and talk to dr jeffrey dommer um sorry anyway uh so last
night i was on the
couch i was trying to improve my reins of motion and i started watching this
series uh succession
or as i call it how dare you you son of a bitch that's what i said in here you
want to watch an
episode of how dare you you son of a bitch uh great fucking show great acting
and all that type of
stuff but i i can never remember i don't i keep forgetting if it's succession
or secession
but it's succession
so i just go hey near you want to watch uh watch the episode of i'm gonna get
you you son of a bitch
how could you
you said i was gonna be the guy that did the thing you know
um i know i'm making fun of it but i absolutely love it it's a fucking awesome
show
so anyway i'm on the couch and i was just trying to
move my arm in circles you know what i mean
and i was in a weird position on the fucking couch
and uh oh and everything i felt a little bit like it went out and i said all
right and i i got up
because i made pumpkin bread last night two loaves of pumpkin bread i mean can
i sound like an older
man now i'm talking about physical therapy in a pool throwing out my back and i
was making pumpkin
bread can't you just hear the sound of my slippers shuffling across the linoleum
floor
sitting there in my fucking dirty old robe with my old man balls hanging down
to the fucking floor
um so i got up to have a piece basically i fucked it up too i always do a
couple early
i'm lying this year i did a couple early because i'm going on the road here for
a few days
and uh you know i felt bad or whatever i'm having the time of my life being out
here
um i told you i got my my daughter a tricycle and she's totally figured the
thing out and we were
riding around in the driveway doing circles she knows how to steer it now she
goes frontwards she
goes backwards and her big thing is you know i run away from the tricycle keep
turning around in
horror going no no no so she loves that game now she goes dada i ride tricycle
and dada go no no no
it's the cutest thing ever so um yesterday we've been doing that all week so
yesterday i actually got
on my bike which i bought with my paper route money way back in the day in the
early 80s and i was
thinking as i was getting on it whoever thought that i'd ever ride this thing
with my beautiful
daughter it was an awesome moment and uh i know what you guys are thinking jesus
christ bill what
the fuck are you riding a bicycle for that you bought in the early 80s because
you know what the great
thing about a bicycle is you never have to throw it out there is no fucking
reason ever to throw out
a bike unless you got hit by a car on it and it bent the frame you somehow
survived you lift your leg up
and you did that roll up and over the car landed on your feet you know with
your big tom sellick
mustache maybe you did that but most people don't and um yeah i remember being
in new york and i saw
one that was all fucking banged up and frosted it's like jesus christ i get it
the guy died did i have
to see the twisted up bike anyway jesus christ i went from a cute story to
fucking frightening
so i don't know if that's how it started with my back i don't know what the
fuck happened so um
but i'm doing what i always do with my back as i just go through the basic yoga
poses and i just keep
you know put my arms up and just hang from a fucking door frame i don't put my
weight on it
because i'll fuck my shoulder up it's really like you know if i could be an
arrogant ass it's like
flying instruments right you're in the clouds and you lose a couple of gauges
and then you got to use
other gauges for other shit you know what i mean you lose your altimeter so now
you use your fucking vsi
oh jesus the rain man's on the podcast
i've been going through the uh the pilot the whatever the the fucking test prep
book i outlined
all eight chapters i fucking crushed chapter one chapter two was weather i had
to stay on that for
like two three days now i feel confident about that and then i got to chapter
three which was the
instrument i just got fucking crushed i didn't know shit you know what fucking
kills me these
fucking assholes who fly airplanes they're such fucking dickheads everything's
like geared to them
everything in my life i've always been the fucking left-handed guy looking for
a pair of scissors back
in the day when i was trying to make a snowflake you know when i wanted to cut
around the trace thing
for the fucking day there was nothing then you put the right hand scissors in
your left hand and they
wouldn't fucking cut so then i had to fucking learn how to cut the right every
fucking i'm always
out of that fucking red hair but i was a white guy so i got the toxic male
fucking white shit as i stood
there clearly getting chased around at recess right based on the color my own
color of my hair and my
pasty legs right an unseen minority
running by burning up in the sun in front of everybody um so now we get to this
fucking test prep
thing everything's geared towards fixed wings or fucking planes you know and
then if it's a helicopter
question they're like oh uh uh you know rotorcraft only i gotta fucking learn
how you the fucking slip and
skate and bank and all of that shit but you know what after my meltdown and
after this one i just say
fuck this i pull up a couple of youtube videos and i just learn about it and
now i've become fascinated by airplanes
and um specifically how much cheaper they are because there's so much less
losing uh moving parts i should
say and they're way fucking faster and you can go farther
so i'm sitting here you know the only thing i could afford to get in a
helicopter
um actually i can't afford any of them because my wife doesn't want me to get
one which means okay
whatever money i saved up to buy a helicopter i'm going to lose in the divorce
well like a helicopter it's just like you know you sort of limited
how far you can i mean you could fly one across the country but at my age i
wouldn't want to do it
it's like ryan for you motorcycle guys i'm a hard tail is that what you call it
um
so uh anyway but the you know those airplanes i mean you get a airplane for
like 30 grand
a used one right i know there's a lot of people oh gee if i can use their play
that's fine
fucking things are maintained hopefully um cruise right out to vey all of a
sudden it's it becomes
like everything's within reach you know if you had a fucking airplane right 30
000 bucks and you lived
in los angeles and you want to go to see one of the last donnie marie shows at
the flamingo like i do
you could jump in your plane and you could get out there and i don't know what
like a little over an
hour cruise out 200 knots right over the mojave desert you know not stupid bill
old left-handed
orange-headed bill not him he chooses the hard one a helicopter
fucking 90 knots fucking 80 knots and on r22 with a headwind looking down at
the highway watching cars
pass you you know but i can hover over this family of grizzly bears 700 feet
above noise abatement
don't want to scare the animals um sorry anyway what the was i talking about
all right
my back feels a little bit better oh i can't sit like this because this fucks
it up um
oh jesus christ that's when you know you're fucked up when hunching over feels
better than standing up
straight and you know what the best thing about the back is is it's a complete
fucking mystery it's like the common cold all right now i'm going to get a
bunch of people writing in
going up you know you want to do you want to drink some chamomile tea and take
the last three sips
throw it over this is key now throw it over your left shoulder now hold the cup
the weight of the cup
without that t in it okay with your right arm crossed over your left shoulder i
cannot stress
that enough it's what's going to free up your e6 shut the fuck up
you don't know and i don't know all i know is i just do the yoga poses until it
fucking goes away that's what i do all right i'll tell you guys how my wife
took over the
fucking couch that we have it's unreal she bought this big long stupid thing
that fucking heats up
we have a fucking l-shaped couch and the way it's set up is you can just lay on
one part of it and
your head straight ahead looking at the tv it's fucking perfect slip off into
an old man nap wake up
what i miss what i miss you know is trump still president where am i right um
nope
my lovely wife went out and bought this fucking thing i swear to god it's like
sleeping on a
fucking coffee table and uh she she told me last night well lay on this lay on
this it's fucking
it heats up it'll be good for your back it's like it isn't i sleep on it my
fucking ass hurts
you know it's like i i it's like i'm sitting on a slab of lines limestone she
loves it can't get
enough of it but here's the fucking thing she loves it so it's gonna stay there
you understand
if if she didn't love it and i got it that thing would have been in the fucking
trash
a long time ago so now that's my leverage as far as buying like a little two-seater
helicopter which i if i did i would buy that fucking cabri the french one
because that guy took apart
the r22 and found all of anything that he thought he could do better and he
fucking did it's a little
more expensive i don't know my buddy was trying to help me out he goes you're
much better to buy a used
one that can hold more than fucking two people you know have more inertia on
your fucking main rotor
blade so you don't have to fucking freak out if you had a fucking engine
failure so i'm like all right
you know there's some merit to that so this is how i'm arguing with my wife i'm
going like
you can fucking take over a couch and i can't buy a helicopter
i'm never gonna buy a helicopter oh fuck way back uh i'm never gonna get one i
want to no you
know what fuck that i'm gonna do it i'm gonna get one this is what i'm gonna do
i'm gonna get my
fucking instrument rating then i'm gonna get my commercial rating and then i'm
just gonna start
fucking i'm gonna have i'm gonna start flying tours and the tours are gonna be
where i want to go that
day hey you guys want to fly uh out to arizona for the arizona cardinals v