Name: Monday Morning Podcast 10-21-19
Uploaded: 2019-10-21T20:01:18.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 10-21-19' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-10-21. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 10-21-19' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-10-21. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 10-21-19

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday, October 21st, 2019.
What's going on? How are ya? How are you, man? How's your goddamn day going and
that type of bullshit?
Oh, I woke up. I woke up in such a good fucking mood. I just blew a gasket.
Yeah, what else is fucking new? How many gaskets do you have left, Bill?
Do you know, for like the last 10 days, these fucking Google cunts, every time
I go to open my fucking email,
there's like, I swear to God, like eight different security, like, things I
have to click on and then go through all of this crap,
basically to give them a permission to monitor me.
It's unfucking believable. Of course, I hit no to as much as I can to try and
figure it out.
I still haven't worked my way through the whole fucking thing.
And I know there's all this fine print and all this shit.
I just don't, I don't understand
what people's fascination is with spying on other people.
Like, how fucking paranoid. You're fucking Google. I think you got it wrapped
up.
We're just going to do, just to let you know, hitting, I love pause.
I can't say no.
I can't say no. Stop fucking paying attention to me, you fucking weirdo.
Follow me down the street.
You know, I can't say no. Best I can do is pause it.
And then they go, just to let you know, by hitting pause, you know, it's going
to be a little more difficult
to look up some of the YouTube videos you've already seen before.
It's like, hey, cunts, I know what I want to see.
And I know how to type.
What does that take me, an extra four and a half seconds
to write Stevie Ray Vaughan, tightrope, Austin city limits?
How fucking long does it take to fucking type that
as opposed to having you fucking weirdos?
I don't, I just don't, I don't fucking get it.
I don't get it.
It goes right down to all of these fucking morons out there
who sit there and they watch CNN and Fox News.
And then if you watch CNN, all you do is yell about Trump.
And if you watch Fox, all you do is yell about the Obamas and the Clintons.
And people who fucking sit there and pay attention to the news,
they think they're so goddamn smart.
They're a bunch of fucking morons.
I used to do this bit in my act.
Getting mad at the president is like when your flight's delayed
and they're not giving you any information
and you start yelling at the person behind the counter
going, I'm never flying your fucking airline again.
It's not that person's airline.
Their job is to tear tickets and to stand there
and get yelled at when shit goes sideways.
But they're not running anything.
The same way the fucking president isn't.
I just don't understand.
Like how much little money does the president have to make
a year before you realize the dude has no fucking power?
Fucking mouth-breathing morons.
What?
Because he doesn't have to sit in traffic?
That's the most powerful man in the free world, is it?
Is that why we're in all of these fucking wars to go save people?
To go rescue people who happen to be sitting on fucking gallons and gallons and
gallons of oil?
You fucking morons.
Is that why when a liberal, bleeding-heart fucking Democrat goes in there,
he fucking bombs more goddamn people with fucking drones than any Republican
ever did?
They're all the same guy!
They're all working for the same fucking, fucking people.
Jesus fucking Christ!
I swear to God, these fucking news junkies,
if you just say any fucking thing about what's going on currently in the
country
and they support Trump, they'll be like,
well, Obama did this!
It's like talking to a fucking sports fan.
I talked to someone the other day, and I was just like,
you know something?
I can't believe the fucking Giants got rid of Tom Coughlin.
That was such a fucking dumb move.
The guy owned Bill Belichick.
Why the fuck would you do that?
And you know what this Giant fan said?
Well, I mean, that's not as worse as what the Red Sox did.
When they got rid of that fucking guy who went to the Cubs.
I'm like, yeah, that was a dumb move, too.
What the fuck does that have to do with what I'm talking about?
I'm talking about the Giants,
and you're going to do this tit-for-tat fucking horse shit.
I wasn't saying it was the dumbest move ever.
What the fuck does Theo Epstein have to do with Tom Coughlin?
So rather than addressing something,
we're now going to fucking play the blame game all the way fucking back,
and then what am I going to talk about?
How the Knicks fucking threw, what's-his-face out of the garden?
Charles Oakley?
Then I do that, and then what are we doing?
I don't get it.
I don't fucking get it.
I don't understand, like,
how fucking long,
how many fucking political candidates are actually going to come along
that call out these corporations and call out these banks,
and then you allow these 24-hour news fucking networks
to then say that they're socialists,
half of whom are fucking owned by the same goddamn people
who are making money off of all of these fucking scams.
I just don't understand how long people can sit there and fall for that.
Fall for it.
I don't get it.
And then I'm seeing this.
Oh, I'm off the fucking rails this week.
I swear to God, dude.
And now living out here in L.A., you know,
and going to New York and being in cities like Miami
and all of these fucking places, dude,
I have to fucking tell you something.
Like, what is happening to people right now?
This is all basically people don't think the way that I think,
therefore they're morons.
That's what the theme is going to be here,
because I'm, air quote, enlightened.
I'm thinking I'm beginning to see the fallout
of, like, close to 20 years.
Not even 20 years.
Say, like, maybe, I don't know.
We'll say 12 years of social media.
The effect that it has had in reality television
that it has had on the average person
walking down the fucking street.
Like, I got to tell you something.
I went to a pumpkin patch yesterday, right?
One of the great fucking things that you can do with your kid.
You go to a pumpkin patch,
and then they have, like, a petting zoo, you know?
You learn stuff from the goats, right?
You see the young ones all happy.
You see the fucking older ones that are all jaded,
saying it's all bullshit.
We're never getting out of this pen, you know?
But the young ones have hope, right?
You see a lot of metaphors as you're watching it, right?
Or is it a simile?
I don't know.
So I fucking walk into this pumpkin patch, okay?
It's all about the kids, right?
You go into a pumpkin patch.
Halloween, you're a parent.
It's all about the fucking kids.
I show up to this fucking thing.
By the way, it's a fucking phenomenal punk.
This has nothing to do with the pumpkin patch.
It's about the people there.
First thing I walk in, the first thing I see
is mom booty cheeks
hanging out of a pair of Daisy Dukes.
It's like you're a mom.
Where are the rest of your pants?
I saw another woman.
She was walking around.
She had on a fucking leopard print slip.
No bra.
Just walking around like they're trolling for dick
at a fucking pumpkin patch.
Like, what are you doing?
And then the guys had like fucking
like super expensive sunglasses
and fucking sneakers and shit.
And it was like the whole fucking thing.
Did you remember back MTV Cribs?
Right?
And all of these musicians.
You know, half of whom it was like a rented house
and they would have their whips
and they'd have their giant fish tank.
And like their entire fucking house
looked like perfect
right down to the selection of fruit
and the way it was placed into the thing.
Like everything was ready for a photographer,
which by the way,
I saw somebody there who brought a photographer
to take pictures of their family
that had literally like a paparazzi level lens.
And then I'm seeing all these people clocking that
being like,
oh, we have to fucking do that.
Yeah, everybody was walking around looking like a foot.
Not everybody,
but like there was this core group of people
that were walking around
that looked like a fucking Instagram video
or picture or whatever.
I just, I don't know.
I don't even know what my fucking point is,
but like people are starting to walk around
and they look like they're photoshopped
and they're not.
I just don't know.
I don't understand the hot mom.
Like walking around with your goods hanging out
with your kids.
This is what kills me.
There was like a husband there.
There was a dad there.
Like when do you let that go?
It's like it's over.
Okay, you fucking,
you got a guy.
What are you still campaigning for?
And I don't want to hear this whole shit.
She has the right to dress up.
Of course she does.
I'm just, I'm just saying.
I don't, I don't,
I don't understand it.
That was fucking,
it was weird.
Felt like I'm at a pumpkin patch
and I had this weird divorcee vibe,
like swinger vibe to it.
You know?
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't even know what the fuck
I was trying to say there.
I just, maybe it's just,
I went out to dinner
this past week,
you know,
my lovely wife
and
I shut my phone off
because I don't want to be the guy
on the phone
because I definitely do that.
I'm bad about that.
Not saying I'm perfect
in all of this.
So when he sat down,
I didn't have the phone on
and then everybody else
I noticed that sat down around me
had their phone on
and did what I would have been doing
if I had the phone on
and they're just sitting next to each other
not saying anything,
staring at their phones.
And I'm just sitting there going,
fuck, that's what I look like.
Yeah, it was just,
I don't know,
I had a really weird week.
If you're going to a restaurant
and you have the people next to you,
you know they're talking about
what you just ordered
and they're staring at your food
and you're just sitting there going,
okay, just ask the fucking question.
Then they ask the question,
what did you get?
What is that?
Oh, is it good?
Yeah, fine.
You know,
I'll give you one.
These fucking people
did it the whole meal.
What is this?
Do you like,
like,
I ordered something
and it was too hot,
too spicy.
And I go,
yeah, it's too hot.
And I hear the guy,
the table next to me go,
he said it's too hot.
It's like,
do you work for Google?
Is there a reason
you're spying on me
like right fucking sitting right?
I know you're looking at it.
Stop looking at my food.
It's fucking rude.
You know,
but I think that goes back
to that Instagram fucking thing
where people like,
you get food
and you fucking take pictures of it.
I started doing that.
And then I was just like,
what am I doing?
Why am I doing this?
I'm not into food
to this level.
Why am I taking pictures
of this fucking food?
Because I saw other people do it.
And this is what you do,
right?
Why the fuck am I into this?
Why am I into that?
Why am I into this?
I think it goes back
to your goddamn,
this fucking account
that I can only hit pause to.
They just keep,
you know,
the big boys,
whoever's fucking getting
all the goddamn money,
right?
The Rothschilds
of the fucking internet,
they just keep fucking
pushing you down
the same goddamn lane.
Why is my only option
to hit pause?
Why can these fucking guys
sit here and read
my goddamn emails?
Why am I dumb enough?
Or why were we all
dumb enough collectively
to start communicating
over the fucking internet?
This is the dumbest
fucking thing ever.
Who came up
with the internet?
Al Gore?
No,
who came up with it?
I think all of
these fucking things,
and this is obviously
not a groundbreaking thought,
it just finally dawned on me,
this is just all
so they can know
exactly what you're doing,
what you're thinking.
I don't know,
because you know something,
this fucking Google thing,
it gets more aggressive
every time.
It used to be like,
hey,
do you want to make it
more secure?
Give us your phone number.
And I would opt out.
Now you can't do that.
Now there's,
it's like literally
this 10 minute thing
that I have to go through
and just basically say
everything's fucking okay,
or it keeps sending me
back to the first
fucking page.
you know,
back in the day
when you sent