Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 10-24-19
Uploaded: 2019-10-24T21:30:35.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 10-24-19' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-10-24. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 10-24-19' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-10-24. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 10-24-19

hey what's going on whoa jesus that's loud hey what's going on it's bill burr
and it's time for
the monday morning podcast get this down here hey hey hey hey all right there
we go there we go see
i don't need a producer um sorry it's time for the thursday afternoon just
before friday monday
morning podcast yeah and i'm just checking in on you oh jesus christ overrated
underrated we're
doing this one early uh underrated not having shit to do not having shit going
on in your
fucking life and the phone doesn't ring you know because this is the deal
someday you're gonna have
shit going on in your life and you're gonna look back to those days when you
didn't have shit going
on and you're gonna be like what the i was sitting there stressing the whole
time i i could have sat
around and watch reruns of mary tyler moore could have watched the price is
right you know
that's crushing it right there if you eat three meals in a day you didn't go to
work and you watch
the price is right and you have the fucking nerve to pray to a higher power
that day go please you're
a little bit of a tough spot it's such a cruel world isn't it which of course i'd
be stressing
out too if i had nothing going on and i was sitting around watching the fucking
price is right
you know eating white castle ihop in the morning just hitting all the fucking
classic
fast food restaurants you can't enjoy it because these fucking banker cunts
they just want you to keep running on the wheel it's unbelievable it doesn't
make any for the whole
way this thing's right you know that fucking shit that that kid sent me in that
they're going to be
trading futures on people's uh or whatever the fucking expression is with
people's carbon footprint
you know i think that finally made me figure out you know without any sort of
research or context
to any sort of bilderberg inner inner circle i think i just sat here and
thought about it and i
figured it out because i didn't discuss it with another human being so it makes
sense and now i'm
gonna say it to you um i think that that's why they don't fucking discuss the
population problem
because they just you look at us like the more of us there are the more money
they can make
um
you know i i think i'm into the conspiracy theory now that you like there's a
certain level of
sociopath you have to be the further up you go in the power rankings of the bcs
you know white guy
you know can't just blame white guys you know what i mean although we're having
a hell of a run
there's sociopaths in all races i don't know what the fuck you know you see
these fucking warlords
and shit i mean they're they're they're doing the same goddamn shit i don't
know what it is
cult leaders and all of that fucking crap they just don't give a fuck
they view it like this is my life i'm gonna live from here to about here we'll
say 80 90 years old
you know if i'm lucky right and the world isn't going to end during that time
so i don't give a
fuck what happens after me even to my own goddamn children i don't give a shit
i'm not going to be
here just have an inability to think that fucking far um i don't know the more
i hear about uh
there's a couple of candidates out there that are running for president that i'm
going to vote for
and everybody's going to say i'm wasting my vote but i am not i am not voting
for fucking uh
this douche trump and i'm not voting for that fucking idiot joe biden joe biden's
like the
you ever see like a fucking sitcom and they have the mom and dad character he's
like the fucking dad
character and they gradually just write him out of the script
because he's just not bringing i don't i don't fucking get it um anyway but
what is cool if you
if you don't just don't you don't just listen to the pontifications of someone
who doesn't fucking
read or whatever joe rogan had fucking uh snowden as a guest i mean that's a
moment in podcasting
history i'd say mark maron having a standing present barack obama um who's
killing it out there on the
road everybody talking about kevin hart selling out a football stadium you seen
what fucking obama's
been doing whoo guy's making money out there um so's his wife they're like the
jay-z and beyonce of
political people you know selling the same arenas never wrote a hit song
oh i'm back sorry about that the fucking goddamn machine just busted i was on a
nice little run
there talking about the obama's and the jay-z's and what happened what happened
you know what happened
my whole day went to fucking shit you know i was talking earlier about you know
what's
underrated underrated is having nothing to do all day it's just scary when the
reason you have
nothing to do all day is because nobody wants you oh you don't have a job you
ain't got no girlfriend
you ain't got a friend right you ain't got anybody
i'm telling you right now i'm talking to you homeless people living out on the
streets
listening to your walkments i know it seems bad right now
all right you're using a dead bird for a pillow but just know something
it's all gonna turn around and someday you're gonna look back and be like you
know what is
homeless as sunburned and as chapped as i was
i would give anything right now to take a nap on a sidewalk
on a wednesday afternoon just to have that moment to myself
that's something you need to learn when you're homeless the sidewalk is always
warmer across the street
oh bill what's wrong with you i'll tell you what's wrong with me since my
recorder went out
okay which i would love to sit here and tell you that i handled like a mature
adult but i did it
i flipped the fuck out as i did
since you know in your world the magical world of editing
what i've done since uh i just said you know before i said i was back to the
point where i said i was back
i went i got i ubered over got my car picked up from service
i came back took my dog cleodio she's in town
i'm taking her for a walk every single day i took her for a walk around the
block
i went over to federal express i picked up a fucking package i came home i
fucking made breakfast for everybody
i thought people wanted smoothies turned out people wanted pancakes i adjusted
i made my breakfast half time adjustments
came right back downstairs did all the fucking dishes did all the fucking
dishes
picked up my wife's little paper wrapper on her teabag that she left on a
counter
you know this is what kills me i remember back in the day when i was growing up
in the military
used to try and make you feel guilty go do more before 9 a.m
than you do all day go fuck yourself no you don't you guys having a great time
hanging out with all your friends singing songs
right everything rhymes
you know
fuck out of here
i'd rather go march around
singing some fucking dirty limericks than fucking do a bunch of dad errands
oh we're marching
do you know that's a that is a fucking pet peeve of mine
as i'm doing it to you guys
i fucking hate when people tell me how hard they're working
you know i don't like when people dunk a ball and start thumping their chest
let me know how awesome
they are i i don't need
i don't need any of that extra information i can look at you i can see what you're
doing
you don't need to fill in my thoughts for me
um um i don't know kevin hart
um
i'll never get over that
never
so anyways let's talk nfl football real quickly
what
um
jesus christ what the fuck was that debacle
you know
monday night patriots versus the jets that wasn't even a fucking professional
game
all right and if i hear one more jackass on espn talking about the patriots
defense how it's one of the greatest defenses of all time
okay they're obviously not looking at our special our special our fucking
patriots they patriots also did a netflix stand-up special all 40 fucking eight
of them
um although what's his face edelman did you hear him do his impression of uh
chewbacca
he crushed it um but anyway if anybody looked at our schedule
they will realize that oh we got the cleveland browns this week
we are just feasting on bottom feeders so far i'm not saying we have a bad
defense i'm not saying
our defense might not be the greatest of all time i'm just saying we haven't
fucking played anybody
and i'm not going to fucking be impressed if we do to the ravens what we did to
the jets monday night
then i i will be uh i will co-sign on what this is not not the greatest of all
time okay
but i'm just saying i don't know what the like but i i always take the bait it's
just espn's job
to sell these games and tell you that what you're watching is the most
unbelievable thing ever and you
know nine times out of ten they're wrong but sometimes they're right like i
remember a year
or so ago when patrick mahomes came out and he threw a screen pass and then i
hope you realize
what you just saw and you know what i made fun of that guy and he was right
patrick mahomes is amazing um i hate that he's injured because we're going to
be playing him and who
want what where's the fun in that you know you want everybody 100 so then when
they your team wins
then you can truly stand upright strut around and act like you made some sort
of contribution that
afternoon you know we get it bill you ran a bunch of errands and you want
credit but did you make a
tackle on sunday huh did you sit in the war room making halftime adjustments
jesus christ the jets quarterback had mono it came back looking at amnesia
jesus christ i mean that was that was just that was an ugly performance i got
to keep i gotta give it
can i give a shout out right now to jets fans
you know everybody talks about long suffering nicks fans you know uh you know
whatever jets fans
and you know what it is it's not only that they keep showing up it's the level
of hope that they have
at one and four because they beat the cowboys the week before did you see them
in the parking lot
i know the camera's on so they were hammering it up but they really thought
that they were going
to beat the patriots we're turning it around that team the patriots played in
september was not these
new york jets
this is the second coming of joe namath every that's i know these franchises
that live in the the past
that one time they had a success the flyers the jets all of that you can't do
it red sox did it with all
that stupid curse of the babe shit that was saddled around her goddamn neck
thanks to guys like dan
shaughnessy that was one of the dumbest curses that's one of the stupidest
things ever
do you think there's anything to it uh no i don't i think we're just an inept
franchise uh to the point
we have to make up stories about ghosts and goblins all the players that played
for the last 100 years
were available for our scouts to see and draft and we did not sir
but if you want to start talking about some fat guy from 100 years ago or a
goddamn goat i mean all
right up there on your sports widow walk pacing back and forth um one of my
favorite things to do is to
argue with uh you know i haven't been paying attention to the world series
arguing about yankee
fans about how great babe ruth was or wasn't and like i always this is what i
always say i would
say the guy could play in any era but in this era there's no way he wins his cy
young and hits 713
home runs or whatever the hell he hit uh i'm not saying he wouldn't do one or
the other he could
be a cy young hall of fame pitcher or a hall of fame hitter absolutely but he
ain't putting those numbers
up and people go why bill you know did you see ken burns documentary on
baseball on the fastball did
you did you did you fucking see that um i don't need to watch that okay i don't
need all the information
to have a strong opinion no what this is what this is the stats i look i look
at people hitting 400
all right and if you look at people hitting 400 it happened on a regular basis
right up until teddy
ball game did it in the 1940s and you know there was times more than one person
hit 400 in a season
all right this fucking guy hit 400 over 70 years ago and nobody has done it
since
so what do peo