Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 11-14-19
Uploaded: 2019-11-15T00:28:18.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 11-14-19' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-11-15. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 11-14-19' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-11-15. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 11-14-19

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the thursday afternoon
just before friday
monday morning podcast and i'm just checking in on you how's your week going
huh did you
you having a good one is your boss not touching you in a way that doesn't make
you feel unsafe
but it's still implied that there's an unsafeness within the safety of the safeness
um
oh my god i gotta tell you something i i gotta get off the fucking i gotta stop
reading shit on on uh
on uh social media jesus fucking christ you know what it is you just read your
own fucking tweets
what you don't want to do is you don't want to click on the magnifying glass
and then just read
the fucking dumb shit that p uh and it's why why does it sent me off
you know i'm fucking looking through and some fucking female comic just says
hey headliners
gave us all this stern talking to whether you're innocent or not don't fucking
why don't you go talk about your twat for another fucking hour on stage
you fucking hack jesus fucking christ my god
and then i stuck my other finger in it and i'm like oh my god
for an hour for an hour a fucking hour hey she can talk about whatever figure
she wants to put your pussy
all right yeah go ahead don't say she's a dirty comic
her body her jokes oh my god and then movies come out
why is abraham lincoln still played by a white male
why is hollywood so afraid to tell abraham lincoln's story from a female
perspective
new studies have shown he's actually trans i mean there's like literally that
level of insane chatter
i don't know i you know what i think i kind of like just sticking to instagram
where it's just videos
or you go to youtube because as bad as the twitter experience can be
right i like and and that's the most fucking first world thing to say ever you
know it was a bad experience for me
i know you're digging for blood diamonds but my experience on twitter yesterday
i think your experience pales in comparison i don't care how many arms you have
left
um i was watching uh jeff beck he's he's just the fucking best guitarist is he
the best guitarist ever
then i was just i was just seeing all the greats right from then and now i just
went down this rabbit hole
of just fucking watching these guys and i think it's jeff beck jeff beck and
then today maybe uh
derrick trucks um i'm sure there's a zillion others which is why i'm saying
this because then
i want you to write them to me because i want to i want to listen to them but jesus
christ
fucking jeff beck i you know i got a bunch of his albums and you know they're
all good i didn't
know he did some sort of techno stuff in the 90s i gotta check that out and see
what that's all about
fucking incredible player but um i had a great week other than fucking going on
on twitter and listening to white women complaining
you know what's really funny is when a white woman dyes her hair blonde you
know
it's like you were a white woman in the united states of america you still
weren't getting enough
you got to add a couple extra free drinks every week you know now you're gonna
be happy
where are all the women in the movie where are the people of color uh same way
same place they are
in the women's march on fucking uh washington they're extras it was all a bunch
of white broads up on
fucking stage fucking banging clams and high-fiving each other about how
fucking you know progressive
they are all right i'm done okay plowing ahead um what i want to talk about how
about that fucking
seattle seahawk san francisco 49er game monday night game of the year game of
the fucking year
i was out with my buddy verzi it was his birthday and he goes the 49ers are
gonna kill him tonight and i
said i said no they're not i said sneaky pete the seattle seahawks he's gonna
shut him down
he's gonna shut those fuckers down and neither thing happened but seattle did
win
seattle did win but um then i heard that 49ers had a couple of their top wide
receivers that were out
but just uh just to know that they're gonna meet again and now the san francisco
49ers need to win
the rest of the way out okay and if they do that then they get home field and
they get a second crack
that old sneaky pete whoo carol was just a fucking great coach i always call
him sneaky pete because
the way he ran out the door at fucking usc but is it really his fault you know
what you can't really
blame p carol for usc because if he didn't do it somebody else would have done
it because that is the usc
football program they're always getting suspended they're always in the middle
of some some sort of
something is going on down there they can't help it it's just it's just what
they're doing by the way
speaking of that bullshit did you see uh oh and let's keep talking about seattle
seahawks in the
san francisco 49ers uh that level of football i have not seen in the afc this
year if somebody's seen
it i want you to tell me and i'm going to look up the game and watch it because
that was just phenomenal
defense on both sides and the way the quarterbacks responded the receivers
everybody the way everybody
fucking played in that game and very little bit of celebrating the biggest
celebration i saw
was from a field goal kicker i forget which side but he he kicked he kicked the
ball through the
uprights and he went field goal kickers celebrate now not not just you know the
usual you know the
fist bump or whatever they do the 300 yo now i can see if you had a vinitary
and you just kicked it
through the uprights to win yet another super bowl yeah i get that you know
game in november
in the fucking third quarter
whatever bill you're an old man they're young they celebrate everything um and
they should too
with global warming coming enjoy every second everybody um anyway oh i was
talking about uh
usc being on the um you know whatever some fucking probation after you know pete
ran out the back
fucking door uh when i was in new york there was some stupid about the about
the houston astros
stealing signs you know when there's always going to be a a black mark that's
what the guy they said
in the new york papers why because they beat your team is there going to always
going to be a black
mark against all those yankee teams where you had a roided up fucking half your
goddamn lineup
you know no because that's our team but if the red sox get busted for roids
there will always be a black
you know and then this fucking idiots going like they need to get technology
out of the game so they
could stop doing this it's like how are you a sports writer and you don't know
your fucking history
didn't that that game the shot heard around the world weren't the giants all
those years later admitted
that they had a guy with binoculars out in center field stealing signs wait a
minute let me let me
fucking look that up let me actually do a little bit of research here shot
heard round the world
baseball stealing signs
uh in the ensuing years rumors began to circulate that during the second half
of the 1951 season the
giants engaged in systematic stealing of signs the final uh the finger signals
transmitted from a catcher
to the pitcher to the pitcher that determined the pitcher thrown every hitter
knew what was coming said
pitcher al gettle and your first question should be who the fuck is al gettle
well let's look him up
did he play on the other team is this some indianapolis colts horse shit was a
major league
baseball player in 1945 55 several teams well what teams did he play for jesus
he's got a quick one
he played for the new york giants 1951
then he played for st louis in 55 well what the fuck would this guy know wait
it was 51 was that
the shot heard around the world the shot heard around the world was in 1951 all
right when your own
players saying it there you go i mean if you're going to take the astros down
they all do it
everybody's doing a little something you know what i mean and i like all the unathletic
people you know
sit there and say that they're cheating you know they'll literally write an
article sports writer
will write an article about cheating and just over his shoulder is a little vial
of viagra
you know like his dick shouldn't be banned from the league no he's not cheating
is he he has a condition
i'd have i have edm what the fuck it's called erectile dysfunction ed is it
just ed ed does your dick have
ed um anyway i gotta keep promoting this stuff i'll be at the mahalia jackson
theater
performing arts center in new orleans january 9th and 10th the pre-sale ends
this today thursday the code
is burr b-u-r-r the public on sale is tomorrow friday november 15th 10 a.m
central standard time
the link will be shared on all my socials or go to ticket master and search burr
b-u-r-r
all right so anyway i'm back out here in la you know out here to get some
sunshine and some botox
that's how we do it out here that's why we all look so good you know i don't
know if you guys know
this but i i actually went to tahiti and had some of their tree bark rubbed
into the top of my head
and the hair is starting to come back you know and they had to decide between
me
and a child being on life support and they chose me because i had more money
and that's just how it
works that's how it works around the world speaking of that i'm hearing a lot
of chatter about uh about
trump right now is he on trial is that actually going down that big waste of
money to try and try and
and and impeach him i don't know what democrats are getting so fucking excited
about about getting
that guy out you need you need like three quarters of the vote which would mean
half of his party
has to fucking turn on him which they're not going to do they're not going to
do and you know why
huh you know why because of all you liberal fucking morons well i can't just
blame them it's
also the all the assholes on social media have driven both parties so far away
from each other
i don't give a fuck what somebody with a blue or a red tie does no one's gonna
vote against them if
they're wearing the same color tie you go back fucking 50 years ago you know
they got three
quarters oh wait did he get impeached no he stepped down he resigned
huh there goes that fucking theory i don't know who the fuck why would you be
watching that
shit like like like something's gonna happen like he's actually gonna who wants
to put a bet on that
about whether or not that guy gets impeached or not
there's there's no
no
fucking way that guy gets impeached i think at this point
you know
jesus christ what a shit show that guy is
you know there's a bunch of countries over here and there's some other
countries too that uh
the countries that blah blah blah it's like do you even if he sounds like me
doing my podcast
jesus
fuck how about can somebody prep the guy um who who is running for president
now
i did see that that that woman walked off when she was asked a question i didn't
think she was
being that rude i thought the other person was implying that she was racist and
she got offended
and that's why she walked off it all depends on who reads you know who you read
all right here we go
who is running for president president president who is running for president
in 2020 oh this is
coming from the new york times nice unbiased paper uh they're all biased all
right jesus christ
where did all these women come from get back in the fucking kitchen i'm sorry
i have to edit that up um let's see here it's a guy named bennett biden booker
a lot of bees bullock
button gig castro i thought he died
delaney or delaney gabby gabbard harry harris
bill barker
massam patrick bernie sanders sestak strayer oh this is fucking this is like
the first week of the
season warren williamson yang trump walsh weld oh bill weld the old massachusetts
guy i might vote for
him fellow freckled face son of a bitch dropped out nine democrats and one
republican
i gotta tell you you know there's a lot not running hillary clinton yeah
um i gotta tell you there's a lot of broads running for president
i think that is a good thing bec