Name: Monday Morning Podcast 11-18-19
Uploaded: 2019-11-18T23:46:24.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 11-18-19' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-11-18. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 11-18-19' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-11-18. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 11-18-19

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday, November 18th, 2019.
What's going on? How are ya?
How's it going, everybody? How was your week starting off?
Huh?
Were you doing something and having a good time and just fucking around, and
then somebody came in and decided to shut it down?
And they never felt more powerful?
And they never felt more powerful?
Why do you guys send me shit to try to fucking annoy me?
Why do people send me this shit?
They send me this thing where a comedian shuts down show at her own club over
sexist jokes.
Yeah, I don't even get this whole story.
The comedian was 18 years old and already owns her own club?
You know, I mean, hello, privilege?
Yeah, it's just one of those.
It's just what's going on right now.
I love also that this happened, and it can't just happen.
You know, and it's not like another audience member went out and tweeted about
this person does it and then tweets about it.
You know, does Superman go out and save somebody's life and just be like, yeah,
you know, I was thinking of hanging in tonight, but I decided to fly around,
and I saw the bridge was out on one side of the track.
So I laid down so I laid down so I laid down so this train could get over, you
know, my back's a little sore, but I got to tell you, never felt so, so
powerful.
It almost seems as though the fact that you did it, all right, but then you did
it and then had to tell everybody that you did it.
That almost seems like you booked all of those comedians on purpose so you
could do that.
I mean, what, you book these shows and you have no idea what you're booking?
I don't know.
I've never felt so alive.
Sorry.
I never felt so alive.
Jesus.
I mean, just talk about, like, I got to be honest with you.
I've never enjoyed crowd-pleasing comics.
I've never enjoyed them, you know, just lingering, going for the applause and
all that.
And this is literally, like, the social media version of this.
And I also wonder if there was a bunch of female comics up there trashing men
wire to wire in their set.
And those women do exist, but they never get in trouble.
It's always misogynistic this, misogynistic that.
I literally had to look this word up.
It's called misandry.
You know?
You know, what the fuck are you going to do?
I don't know.
I've never felt more powerful.
Well, I would feel powerful if I had my own fucking comedy club at 18 years of
age.
And then I walked in the room and I go, everybody, stop what they're doing.
This show is over because I said so.
So whoever that person is, congratulations for being 18 years old and having
your own club.
At least that's the way it's word.
Our own club?
It wasn't our own show.
I would guess it was our own show.
But she didn't like what was going on, so everybody had to fucking go home.
This is what we need to be talking about.
You know, I was sitting on my back porch during the fucking day and somehow I
got eaten alive by mosquitoes.
And I looked it up and evidently there's this fucking mosquito from Asia that's
called the ankle biter.
And they think it came over in a container or something like that.
It fucking bites you multiple times.
I mean, you think that this would be like a priority.
Like, hey, while it's the population is still small and it doesn't need like a
giant thing of standing water.
They said they could have like the size of like a water cap full of water.
So I was thinking, well, why wouldn't we then as a city and a state just go buy
a bunch of dragonflies or some shit that can just knock this thing out in the
most healthiest way ever?
You know, the least damaging to the environment or something like that.
Dragonflies kill mosquitoes, right?
Isn't that what happens?
Nope, we're just going to fucking accept it because there's no fucking money in
stopping those things.
Okay, but if everybody over here starts getting West Nile virus and babies
start having birth defects, just think of all the money that insurance
companies are, sorry, fucking health care.
What do you call those people?
The pharmacists, pharmaceutical companies will make.
Just unbelievable.
But that gets no fucking traction.
Nope, we should be freaking the fuck out that that's going on right now.
Nobody gives a fuck.
But a comedian who books the fucking comics.
Now, aren't you responsible?
You're responsible.
What kind of terrible job did you do booking that show?
If it's your show, you booked it and then you were so offended by the fucking
talent that you actually had to stop the show mid fucking show.
You know, and then and then you go on Twitter and you paint yourself out as a
fucking hero.
Rather than you fuck the whole thing.
I would have been like, I've never felt dumber in my life.
I booked a show and Jesus Christ and ended up being the exact opposite kind of
comedy that I enjoy.
And I think I think I really know the kind of comedy that everybody should be
listening to.
So I had to shut it down.
You know, like when an athlete shuts up and fucks up, I mean, and before the
media can jump all over him, he just goes, you know, I take responsibility.
That loss is on my shoulders.
You know, I got to get out there.
I got to do better.
You know, they do that type of shit.
This is what this person is doing while painting themselves out as a hero.
Tonight, I shut down a string of misogynistic stand up comedians.
As in, as in, I walked on stage in the middle of one of them talking, addressed
the audience, offered a full run, full refund, told them it would not be tolerated
here, pulled the show and its comic from our theater immediately.
Lights on, go home.
I've never felt more alive than right now.
Well, if it's your shit, you booked them.
I don't know, man.
It seems like a big fucking career move to me.
Who is this brave person?
I'll tell you what.
I went down to the pound and got a pack of wild dogs and released them on some
children.
And when they attacked him, I did not like what I saw.
And I shot all the dogs.
I have never felt more powerful.
Bill, um, how did you know to have the firearm on you before those dogs reached
those children?
Well, as mentioned before, I was the one who purchased the dogs and released
them on the children.
Do you consider yourself a hero?
Uh, yes.
Yes, I do.
And I've never felt more powerful.
2019, everybody.
2019, you don't do the research, you create the fucking problem, and then you
go in and solve the problem that you knew was coming, and then you paint
yourself as a hero, and then people back you up.
That's so awesome.
I went down and I bought some matches, and I lit some newspaper on fire, and I
said, wait a minute.
Stop it.
And I fucking poured water on it and put it out.
I've never felt more powerful.
Oh, my God, the lives you've saved.
Um, all right.
So that's where we're at.
Well, congratulations to her.
We are at a place now where comedians are censoring other comedians.
It's that they hired to do the show, evidently, unless I'm missing something in
that story, which I'm sure I'll fucking hear something.
Actually, if you're fucking dead, you're fucking bald-headed, red-headed fuck.
Um, I don't give a shit.
Um, that whole story just makes me sad that this is what we've become, you know?
And I want to congratulate all those people who've wanted to censor comedians.
What you've done has worked.
Comedians are now censoring other comedians.
Um, and it's now going to be, uh, the kind of show, I don't know what it's
going to be.
Ah, it ain't going to work.
It's not going to work.
What they're going to do is they're just going to create, uh, separate scenes,
I guess, in comedy.
You know?
There's going to be for those people that want, I only want jokes about stuff
that I can handle.
I only want jokes, I never want the comedian to joke about anything that would
hurt my feelings.
Everything else, however, is still on the table.
That fucking shit.
Um, and then after that, then they'll go into music and they'll tell comedians,
they'll tell musicians what chords they can play.
Too many minor chords is depressing.
Do minor chords create depression that leads to suicide?
Um, I think it does.
We had a singer-songwriter come into the club and he sang three sad songs in a
row.
And I rang a bell and I said, uh-uh, show is over.
I've never felt more powerful.
So, uh, my country, kiss of thee.
All right, let's talk football.
I didn't watch one down of football this weekend.
Um, I got behind in my studies for my, uh, instrument rating here.
So, uh, I was almost ready to tap out and just be like, well, maybe I'll just
take it next year.
I just don't have the fucking time.
Or, I can make a sacrifice.
I could not watch my LSU Tigers.
Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba.
Uh, give up 600 yards in offense.
What are you in?
58, 37, something like that?
Is that what it was?
We've let up like 75, 76 points in the last two weeks.
I mean, I don't know.
I'll tell you right now, defense wins championships.
So, I'm sure they know what they need to be working on between now and, uh,
that game in January, if they're lucky enough to get there.
Uh, so, and then my New England Patriots beat the Philadelphia Eagles.
I like how somebody wrote, uh, I saw on Twitter, somebody wrote, you know,
every team that we beat on the way to going to, and including in the Super Bowl,
has gotten their vengeance against us this year.
It's like, no, they didn't.
He won the Super Bowl.
There's not one Patriots fan that is excited, you know, the way the last two
games worked out overall.
We would have, we would have rather won the previous one and lost that one.
So, you're still doing all right.
Let's say you're fine.
You got the monkey off your back.
You do have a trophy.
And as long as the Jets don't keep winning it, you know, you don't have to
worry about getting trashed about any sort of a drought.
The fucking Jets are 50 years in, half a century in.
And I'll tell you, if, if Massachusetts was as childish as New Yorkers are, we
would be chanting the year at them.
Um, that's my favorite thing right now is when New Yorkers talk about how obnoxious
Patriots fans are.
It's like, oh, really?
As opposed to what?
The fucking assholes in the outfield at Yankees games.
Those idiots.
Great behavior in the playoffs this year, by the way.
Yankee fans, absolutely fantastic.
Um, there was a, oh, class, class city, Boston, class city.
Then they turn around, they're fucking throwing shit on the goddamn field.
Um, let's not forget, weren't they the ones that they threw a knife down from
the upper deck?
Um, anyways.
Oh, and let's get that.
Let's get to the big fucking thing in the NFL.
I did see Thursday night.
I did see the replay.
I got to make sure I have all the fucking names, right?
Uh, and that Cleveland Brown helmet incident there.
I don't think I've ever seen a more of a fucking like overreaction.
I know you're not supposed to do shit like that, but like I, that whole fucking
thing was the hot chick at the bar.
Starting a fucking fight.
And then the shit hits the fan.
Everybody, all the other combatants are arrested, fined in all of that shit.
And then she just gets to walk out of the bar like, oh my God, the fucking fuck
this place.
What the fuck was that?
Dude, Mason Rudolph was as guilty as anybody in there.
And just because he got his big dumb head hit by a fucking helmet doesn't make
him innocent.
He was a willing participant.
A lineman got in the way of him and that guy on the fucking Browns.
He continued to pursue the fight.
He was trying to rip the Cleveland Brown guy's fucking helmet off.
And he got his own helmet ripped off.
And then he gets fucking dinged in the head.
So lightly that after it happens, he immediately turns around to the referee
like, oh my God, I'm a quarterback.
You can't fucking do that.
Shout out to that guy in the Steelers who went like fucking, he came in like,
remember back in the day, the old school wrestling when the wrestler would come
out of the locker room?
I came running down throwing haymakers.
Yo