Name: Bill Burr | Advice: Family Thinks I Joined a Sex Cult
Uploaded: 2019-11-19T22:15:37.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr | Advice: Family Thinks I Joined a Sex Cult' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-11-19. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr | Advice: Family Thinks I Joined a Sex Cult' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-11-19. Transcript available.

Family thinks I joined a sex cult.
Dude, what the fuck?
This is just...
All right, hey, Billy Blowsocket.
I'm 24, single, live alone, and my life has become crazy recently.
Everyone in my close family thinks I joined a psychedelic sex cult
when I went to New Zealand this summer.
While in New Zealand, I met up with a lady.
Who knew where to pick psychedelic mushrooms.
I didn't know about that when I went to New Zealand.
We went to her house.
You don't want to trip for the first time in a different country, right?
That's why he just said,
In your papers, please.
We went to her house where she had four dairy cows.
Hot chicks always hang out with fatter girls, don't they?
And picked mushrooms.
I'm sorry, it was an easy joke.
I went with it.
I'm sorry to all the plus-size billboard models out there.
That so annoys me now that they put less pleasant-looking people on billboards
now.
It's like, where was that when I was younger?
With my blinding torso.
Okay, well, we went to her house where she had four dairy cows and picked
mushrooms out of the cow patties.
Woo!
Don't need to see the process.
Cow shit.
We washed them off and then ate them maybe ten minutes after picking them.
You didn't let them sit in the fucking sun to get rid of any more bacteria?
Within 20 minutes, I'm losing my mind.
I pretty much start having massive anxiety attacked.
She comes to calm me down.
She's so damn hot and sitting on my lap, so I start kissing her.
This sounds like a fucking Pink Floyd animated thing you watch while you're tripping
at one of their things, right?
One thing turns to another, and we fuck.
Yeah.
I think one thing turns to another, and then you started kissing her.
You don't start kissing her.
She's sitting on your lap.
One thing turned to another.
We did exactly what everybody thought was going to happen.
One thing turns to another.
We started baking bread.
I felt a connection with my higher being and the collective consciousness with
the woman.
How much mushrooms is this guy selling right now?
Everybody's like, dude, we got to go to New Zealand.
We got to meet some chick who has, she's got to have four.
She's got to have four cows.
Craziest experience of my life.
So far, so far.
Like we were the same being dissecting each other's bodies.
Okay.
I don't know why.
I just pictured like dragonflies and insects there.
I don't like that.
All right.
We started traveling New Zealand together the next day, and two days after, we
were at the
beach where we met two guys.
Please don't do mushrooms with them.
Who took us to a shaman man in a cave.
This is a trusting person, huh?
All right.
He reads our energy and says the usual hippie shit, like us being old souls and
shit.
He gave us both a hit of peyote and blessed us.
What is peyote?
Is that just like steroid weed?
Oh, it comes from cactus?
Oh, okay.
And we left high as fuck, so we ran around the beach half naked laughing
because of how perfect
everything is.
La-di-da.
We have a good time and fucked a lot while on psychedelics.
You know, I'm beginning to understand why your parents think you joined a sex
cult.
I come back to the U.S. a couple weeks later and immediately tell my brother
over the phone
my experience.
I'd been gone for two and a half months, and while I was gone, my brother had a
major lifestyle
change, and I had no idea.
He went, oh, I thought I was going to say he was gay.
He was banging all these broads, and now all of a sudden, he's got a mustache,
he's got
a boyfriend.
He went from being a nihilist atheist to now a born-again Christian.
Oh, come on, Hollywood.
Like, you don't have the fucking answers.
Jesus Christ.
Oh, fuck everything, man.
I moved out of my hometown.
I know, everything.
Oh, oh.
And was very concerned and upset by my experience.
It's safe to say that something happened to these people as kids.
Like, this is really extreme behavior.
Eating mushrooms out of cow shit in New Zealand.
Right?
You guys are like, well, that sounds pretty normal.
That's funny.
That really didn't get a groan, but he's a born-again Christian.
Oh!
Oh!
Oh, my God.
What happened?
Anyways.
He doesn't like what I'm doing.
So much so that he tells everyone in our deeply religious family.
There it is.
That I was initiated into a psychedelic sex cult and now the devil has my
spirit.
Oh, I get it.
I get it.
He was the black sheep and now he became the favorite son.
And now you're out there banging broads on mushrooms and they're all waiting
for Jesus to come back.
And they're jealous.
Okay.
I get it.
My sister blocked me on everything.
Brother tries to get me to go to rehab.
Grandma wants me to get baptized.
And my mom cries almost every night worried about my mental health.
Well, you're eating cow shit.
I'm going to guess not having, you know, having unprotected sex in a different
hemisphere.
I would be concerned.
She does have a right to be concerned.
What do you guys think about that commercial where they have the moms of, like,
soldiers and they go, you know, mothers serve too.
Okay.
All right.
All right.
We'll give you that one.
It's like, can they ever hit off the blue tees?
I told them that I'm totally fine and everything has been blown out of
proportion, but they think the devil is making me say those things.
Oh, my God.
Can you start filming this, please?
This is like a reality show.
I love my family and don't want to lose contact.
All right.
Now it got sad.
But I know they've gone way too far with this and I'm not really into their
religious outlook and won't go to church.
My question is, what do I do about my crazy religious family thinking I'm into
psychedelic sex cults?
Well, maybe stop telling them that you're fucking broads in New Zealand on
fucking mushrooms.
I'm not saying to stop doing that.
Just stop telling your overly religious family that this is what you're doing.
This is one of the easiest questions ever.
If you could keep your fucking trap shut.
Thank you for everything you are and go fuck yourself, you cunt.
All right.