Name: Bill Burr | the Monday Morning Podcast LIVE- 10-27-19
Uploaded: 2019-11-22T15:21:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr | the Monday Morning Podcast LIVE- 10-27-19' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-11-22. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr | the Monday Morning Podcast LIVE- 10-27-19' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-11-22. Transcript available.

Bill Burr | the Monday Morning Podcast LIVE- 10-27-19

from the monday morning podcast mr. bill burke
all right how are you what's going on all right i feel bad sitting down like i'm
like some
fucking piece of shit performer but that's how i do it this is what this what's
that i don't know
what you mean buddy but happy to you too happy navali whatever that means is
that an asian thing
i couldn't tell it's very fast some sort of accent there how's global warming
working for you guys in
asia is it a good thing to shutting off all the fucking lights out here there's
gonna be high
winds where poor people are we don't want them to burn to death the rich people
in the mansions
will be okay i think like everybody has like conspiracy for those people
listening at home
or possibly watching wherever the fuck this is going to be wherever this was
going to live
if we could find a safe space on the internet by the way you guys shouldn't
have clapped you know
somebody from oxford might be listening to this nobody nobody saw that shit
those fucking idiots
over there they just at oxford is am i saying the right thing said on farm
animal is that that
expensive school they said that clapping they banned clapping you gotta do they
said jazz hands but it's like you know when when deaf people which i've never
seen a deaf person do that why would you do that why wouldn't you just go like
this yeah nice performance why would you go ah i got my hands up here i don't
think that's deaf people trolling us is that the right is deaf is that bad now
you know you know you know like midget you can't say midget now can't say deaf
can't say flight attendant
you know telling you you go into a coma when you when you wake up you won't be
able to speak english anymore
oh what are you speaking those old words for
a midget hit me in the car i didn't hear him
who is this guy he's a witch i was in a coma for 20 fucking years
um anyways for those people listening at at home there's some sort of i don't
know what's going on
there they're they're they they ran out of power out here in this sunny state
they ran out of ways to
fucking uh i guess keep the lights on um they're saying there's going to be
fires or something like
that with like i don't know 90 mile an hour winds this crowd's getting quiet
like all their powers
getting shut off
it's not funny man now if you have if you have solar panels on your on your
house does that mean
like everybody else is like living in like mad max time and you still got your
flat screen
what about like 90 mile an hour winds people flying by with their big green
eggs and you're just in the
future right just sitting there with your solar panels not letting anybody in
right like that
fucking uh jesus down there in houston didn't let any of the fatties in the
whole place was flooded
he basically had an ark right and these people were as big as oxes and farm
animals
he could have reenacted the whole thing and let these people in and he didn't
he did not he didn't
even put moorings outside of it because maybe he could have like tied a few fatties
up and
clung to him like leonardo dicaprio at the end of fucking i was gonna say tightrope
titanic
what a terrible movie it just was such a you know can you imagine if they made
9 11 into a chick flick
and then like hundreds of years later you're like i don't want to see that
leo's holding the emergency door for the last person that's going to make it
down the stairs
and all the women haters where the
fucking ego oh he's going to hold the door ain't got it ain't got it worse than
us i don't know
it's unbelievable bunch of people you know how pissed off people would have
been if they lived
long enough to see that hunk of um i'm sorry i don't mean to go to i don't know
who is that james
cameron is that who it was he's had some hits i think he'll survive this
podcast uh he what there
goes dvd sales um yeah so anyways they're having these black i don't why don't
we just can convert
to solar power there's a guy down the street he's got solar power and i just
don't know how to approach
this guy you know because i don't know him you know it's weird like why can't i
as a fellow american
say i'm envious of what you have on your roof who put him up there how much did
it cost how do i go
about that i can't just walk up and knock on the door right maybe he has a
rescue pitbull in there he
fucking lets it go you know it's weird people think just down in the south you
can't just walk
up to somebody's house but out here you know l.a's fucking it's a crazy place
you know it's all kinds
of phony fucking you know all of that with the botox and then also you it's so
easy to get killed out
here you hear the tension in the crowd those of you at home hey let's go to a
baseball game where's mike
i don't know oh there he is getting kicked to death in the parking lot he had
the wrong colored
handkerchief oh i had one of the great old man moments my life okay so i'm
driving driving to the
comedy store i feel weird trying to even look out at you guys like i'm supposed
to be alone this this is
like this is like this is like back in the day when i would stay at like a
super eight they wouldn't
have a couch as nice as this but it wouldn't be like like long enough so you
could lay down on it so
then you'd have to drag some other piece of furniture over like this and then
stick your legs up like
ah this is better this is better than sleeping in the bed you know when john
wayne gacy had a
fucking threesome with a couple of oh bill come on not like that don't don't be
like that don't
be like that all right so anyway i'm driving down the road i'm not lying down
like this but i'm driving
down the road and i was listening to ozzy osbourne yes and i was listening to
some of that randy road
right and uh i was listening there was that you can't kill rock and roll right
i'll listen to that
fucking song say pull up i'm going to the comedy store and i'm stopped at a red
light on crescent
heights in laurel no that doesn't make sense crescent heights in sunset and i'm
fucking sitting there
there's an open lane next to me because it merges in there's nobody there and
you know i set my windows
down i got it cranked you know like the old guy that am and all of a sudden you
know we just feel like
somebody looking at you and i fucking look over and there's a guy like a year
or two older than me
on the sidewalk dressed like he's he will he was jogging but stopped and he's
just looking at me
and i'm like what the and he starts air drumming to the song
so i'm like my windows are down
i don't want to put the window up because he's close enough that if that offends
him
he's gonna lunge at me with whatever he's stuck in his arm and then i have what
he has right
so i'm trying to ignore him and he's just i feel him i can just feel the heat
of him
and i look over he's still staring at me still air drumming and then i see he
crushes all of the fills
like those 80 fills and he's crushing it while he's just looking at me
at that point i just start laughing he never breaks character the light turns
green and then
simultaneously we both do the devil horns and drove away and i was just like
yeah i was like that was awesome oh because a few lights earlier i was a little
self-conscious you know
i was in a younger part of hollywood and they're probably look at the old bald
man listening to his
you know whatever you guys that's probably like benny goodman music to you guys
right
i actually said glenn miller as a reference to old music and to somebody in
like their late 20s
and 30s they go who's that i was like wow judging by you guys you don't know
who the that is either
and i realized that my music is basically i guess it's that i don't i can't
believe that it is but
anyway that that happened that was that was a fun one you know to bond with
somebody like that you
know i wish i could have talked to him he'd be like i saw him i saw him in oakland
at 79.
i was there when he bit the bat's head off i'm the one who threw it right
you know what a juxtaposition that is and on the way down here i was listening
to uh
sirius satellite radio and i was listening to i like old country i don't know
why
i just like it you know i think it has to do with everybody yelling at each
other now about politics
it's just there's something about it it's just quiet it makes you feel like you
got your own
spread out on a lake or something and i just like but i cannot get past how
much they kiss their
fucking crowds ass i was listening to this grand old opry and it's just so i
feel like we're just
so happy to be here and you guys just you know i mean you can sing along hey
you probably know the
words better than me it's like dude you know all the words you sing this song
every fucking night
it's why you drink all right stop and the crowd's just eating it up oh lord
mercy and just you know
i mean i can't believe you all came out to see me here tonight it's you're at
the grand old opry
you're a star okay so he went to an open mic and all of a sudden what i'm
famous
these people just eat it up they eat it up because they're they're selfish
comedy country crowds are selfish that's all it is
no they're selfish people and they need the guy on stage or woman on stage
right or they on stage to constantly see covered all my bases
shimmering hands shimmering heads
they need to constantly have the performer bring them down to their level or
even like
let's just you know i feel like i'm playing backyard with my family
ricka-dick ricka-dacka-dicka-doo right i like to thank mark shields eddie bravo
they name every
good guy who parked my car they thank everybody
it's like reverse beyonce you know what i mean beyonce's up there it's just
like her whole vibe
because my daughter my and my wife watched that that that concert all the
goddamn time right
and her whole vibe is like you you could never be as good as me flicking her
hair it's it's it's
amazing it's amazing that there's a crowd and those people can't get enough of
it yes yes
treat me like why am i in the same structure as you i don't know
i think if those dudes went to a country thing they'd probably pass out
from like the love that they got from the person on stage because that seems to
be what they're
looking for but a lot of them are gay and it's a country crowd so you probably
get the kicked out
of them so i get it you know sometimes you got to talk through it to figure out
why this
it is a great thing about having a daughter is i actually know beyonce songs
now
you know and she goes get up let's dance let's dance so i have to dance to beyonce
don't say oh it's not cute it's soul crushing all right that homeless jogger
saved me
um anyway oh here's one for you underrated underrated not watching any football
on a football sunday
sacrilegious i did it today i got so much done it was ridiculous then all you
do is you just pop in and
and you watch the ticker you kind of know what's going on they're going to show
you all the good
place what's that jesus how hammered is that one of the fucking
who won the pack again dude you were like
that was like the jackie gleason show level drunk hey you mr dunaghy
who i'm gonna look it up for you who on the i i might even i might even google
i might even google that if i know my password here all right
no come on come on bam open please open nothing this is not my laptop that's
the problem
look at spoiler alert packers one and then the podcast stops
oh maybe i'm doing the capital letter maybe i don't need to do that how about
that there it is
there it is spoiler alert you do that and the guy did that at one of those
superhero movies he got
the kicked out of him right
which by the way don't you think that guy should have won something just for
doing that ruining a decade
of people watching movies right nine years nine up nine movies of that
superhero thing
that was hilarious how offended those people got when scorsese and all these
great directors were like
yeah those movies kind of suck i mean technically they're m