Name: Monday Morning Podcast 11-25-19
Uploaded: 2019-11-25T23:02:04.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 11-25-19' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-11-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 11-25-19' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-11-25. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 11-25-19

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday, November 25th, 2019.
What's going on? How are ya? How's it going? Oh my God, it's fucking
Thanksgiving week.
Isn't that great? How exciting is Thanksgiving week? One of the great, this is
the greatest week of the year, provided you're not homeless.
Out in the street, without any loved ones. You know, if you actually have, if
you've built some sort of life for yourself, okay, and you've been lucky, this
is the best fucking week.
It's the best week, right? Nobody's working this week. Nobody. You know who's
working? People in other countries. They're all working. They don't have
Thanksgiving.
And I'll tell you right now, that's why. That's why there's all this hatred of
America.
You know, they're all jealous. They're all jealous of that fucking week we have.
In November, when you only have to go to work for three fucking days.
That's why they're always nitpicking. Oh, everybody has a machine gun.
Oh, oh, you can't go to the mall anymore.
Yeah.
It's called the balance of life.
All right. You get a three day week every fucking Thanksgiving.
I mean, every fucking November, something has to give.
All right.
You can't have your cake and eat it other countries.
Why don't you guys quit nitpicking on us?
You know, as we defend the world and bring freedom to everybody.
You just sit there and nitpick.
All right.
We make better movies than you.
You love our clothes.
And when it really comes down to it, when it really comes down to it, you want
to be fat.
Driving a fucking convertible on your way to some greasy spoon because you only
got a three day fucking work week, you know?
And then we have an entire fucking day that just celebrates overeating.
You understand that?
Other countries.
I got you all jealous now, don't I?
There's no other thing.
Lord, what do they do in Germany?
They got Oktoberfest, which is in September for all you tourists.
Don't try to go there in October.
It's fucking over.
It's celebrating the coming October when they would have the fucking harvest.
That's actually, you know what?
I got to give it up to Germany.
That doesn't get said a lot, huh?
I wonder if that was said a lot on podcasts before World War II.
You know, you got to give it up to Germany.
No, because they already had World War I.
All right.
Germany and like fucking 1910.
You got to give it up to those Germans.
I'll tell you, they're on to something with that iron horse.
Guys, you got to give it up to the Germans.
That's a fucking great holiday.
They make great beer.
You bust your ass all year growing, you know, with your brat farm, your fucking
Wiener schnitzel.
You know, you're bringing it into fucking harvest.
You're pulling it out of the ground where Wiener schnitzel comes from.
What animal is that?
Huh?
God, I don't know what the fuck it is.
Right.
Is it a heritage bred fucking pig?
Because I'll eat one of those motherfuckers.
And when they were done, right before they were going to operate heavy
machinery to cut down all of this fucking food.
Right.
What would they do?
They would go out and get absolutely shit faced.
They dress like they were coming out of a fucking cuckoo clock.
And they would get absolutely fucking hammered.
Puke all over their colorful socks and on their bare knees.
Right.
Do some dance, you know, with their fucking wooden clogs.
I know that's the fucking Netherlands.
I don't give a shit.
Right.
And then they and then the next day they'd be all fucking hung over, hammered,
fucking hammered, probably still drunk.
And get on a goddamn Porsche combine.
So I will give it up to the Joe.
I know in Iceland you got the northern lights, you know, I know you got the,
but you don't, you don't have Thanksgiving.
Right.
Because Thanksgiving happens on a Thursday, which means everybody's getting a
four day fucking weekend.
Right.
And everybody eats their fucking asses off because you know what?
You need a lot of energy if you're going to survive getting trampled at a
fucking Walmart on Black Friday.
All right.
It's a great fucking week.
All right.
Thursday, celebrating eating with the Native Americans before we slaughtered
them.
And then Black Friday, where we watch oppressed people in this country.
That have been buried by the selfishness of those on top trample one another to
get a VCR slash DVD recorder that has been cut by 80 percent.
Okay.
And rather than white people taking responsibility for putting those people in
that economic position, who do they blame?
Black Friday.
Right.
And then once we get that out of the way, then on Saturday, you have all the
rivalry football games.
England, how jealous are you right now?
What are you going to do, huh?
Watch all those fucking jerk offs run around kicking stuff with their feet.
Come on.
Do you really like it?
Aren't you jealous?
We get to watch rivalry fucking Saturday.
You got the fucking you got Alabama versus Auburn, Ohio State versus Michigan,
USC versus UCLA.
All right.
And on and on and on and on and on and on.
It's going to be tremendous.
It's going to I can't fucking wait for this week, you know.
And I'm going to wear a fucking stupid, itchy sweater.
I'm going to cook my ass off.
I'm going to make some pies.
I'm going to ride on my bike while my daughter rides a tricycle around and
around and around and enjoy my four day weekend.
My God given right as a fucking overeating American.
All right.
And I welcome all you fucking people, just like the Statue of Liberty.
Come over here and participate as long as you can get over that wall that we're
building.
Come on over.
Bring a plate.
Do you know what?
On Wednesday, I will have my new record for not boozing since I started boozing
way back in 1985.
You know, when the jeans were stonewashed, your hair was blown out and there
was no such thing as alcohol.
I think Alcoholics Anonymous or the Betty Ford Clinic, I think, was only about
10 years old going to rehab.
There's only a couple of self-help books.
Half the car still drove unleaded gas.
That's actually not true.
That's actually not true.
Um, 368 days.
And I think it's kind of apropos.
Am I using that correctly?
Probably not.
Um, that I could set the record and simultaneously still get absolutely blind
drunk and make a fool of myself the next day.
You know, because part of me doesn't want to put this record out of really out
of reach because I know eventually I'm going to go back to boozing.
I think I am.
I don't know.
I'm not going to lie to you.
I miss it.
You know, oh, speaking of that, how funny is it that I'm missing alcohol the
way you're missing that chick you had a crush on back in high school.
And you're going down to the local bar on Wednesday, right before Thanksgiving,
hoping that she's going to show up.
And you should go down there and you should walk right up to her and tell her
how you feel.
You know, that's one of the great fucking times in your life.
Cause I'll tell you someday you're going to find love and you're going to be 51
years old, stone fucking sober.
And it's going to be the Wednesday before Thanksgiving.
And that person you're thinking about, you married her, right?
So instead of thinking about her, what are you, what are you doing?
You selfish redheaded bald prick.
You're downstairs thinking about a bottle of bourbon.
Oh my God.
Let me tell you that bourbon poured over that fucking ice.
Oh Jesus.
See, that's why I can't go back.
Cause I swear to God, I, I would, I could drink about 16 of those right now.
I could drink 16 of those and would actually have the audacity to defend myself.
When my wife asked me what in the fuck I thought I was doing.
I would be like, what are you talking about?
This is my 16th drink of the year.
How many of you had?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Didn't think so.
That's right.
Turn around.
Oh, you're crying.
You're crying.
What?
Because you're so in awe of what the fuck I've done.
Yeah.
That's why I can't do it.
I'm either on or off.
That's it.
That's it.
And when you're wired the way that I'm wired, you have to, we have to watch
what it is that
you're going to, you're going to, uh, uh, point the fucking canoe at.
All right.
So anyway, we're actually, you know, most everybody's out of town this
Thanksgiving.
So the thing about turkeys, those fucking stupid birds, they're so goddamn big
and goofy.
You can't make one for just three people.
You know what I mean?
I got to Google that.
Can three people eat a whole turkey without dying?
I think it actually, you fall asleep before you kill yourself.
Um, so I think I'm just going to make a chicken.
I can't, I can't fucking do that.
Maybe I will.
I don't know.
I'm going to make all the other dishes.
I'm going to make, you know what?
I need a new pumpkin pie recipe.
One for my family tree is, it's a little bland.
I would just like a little more, a little more fucking zip.
Has anybody got a good recipe?
They could say, I don't want your family recipe either.
I'm not trying to cause fucking problems.
All right.
Just send me a good link to, well, let me, what the fuck?
I got a goddamn computer.
I got a computer right fucking here.
Right now.
Hey, there's no tomorrow.
Um, all right.
Wait a second.
What do we got here?
Spicy pumpkin pie.
By the way, thank you to everybody that came down to Lago, um, on Thursday
night.
And you got to see Joe Bartnick.
Adam Barthard fucking destroy in front of me.
Um, Nashville's hot pumpkin pie is spicier and better than your aunt's hot
takes at Thanksgiving.
All right.
Well, you got a fucking recipe.
Oh, would you look at that?
It's got a fucking cream top.
Get the fuck out of here.
Get the fuck out of here.
I'm making that.
Um, make it that.
I'm making that.
I'm making that.
Fuck that.
I'm making that thing.
All right.
All right.
Okay.
This is one of the gayer moments I had, huh?
Singing.
I'm coming out.
Singing about the pie that I'm going to make.
Well, maybe I'm comfortable with my sexuality.
Um, Joe Bartnick and Adam Barnhart absolutely fucking destroyed in front of me.
They could not have been more different, but they were the same in that they
went up there
and they talked about exactly what the fuck they wanted to talk about.
It was one of my favorite standup shows that I've done in a long, long, long
fucking time.
And I hadn't worked with Adam in, uh, in a minute.
And he used to run this fucking room way back in the day, way back in the day
at this,
it was this building called, I don't know, it was called the 360 room.
Cause I was asking, what the fuck was that room?
It was the late nineties.
And, uh, it was like on sunset and vine.
I want to say it's the CNN building now, but it was just this rundown fucking
building.
And that was a shady part of sunset back in the day.
Basically, once you went past, I don't know, I would say, uh, Highland, maybe
Highland,
Kawanga Gower.
It's, it, it got, it got real shady, real fucking quick.
Hollywood Boulevard sunset.
There wasn't a lot of shit going on at night.
And, uh, it was, I, for my money, that was an action.
That was a true alternative comedy room where by 1998, 99, alternative comedy
had exploded.
And, uh, sorry, wedding ring.
They hit the microphone.
Um, the, uh, oh, I tell you guys, I thought I lost my fucking wedding ring.
I thought I, I thought I fucking lost it swimming at the goddamn gym.
And, uh, you know, I tore apart the filter system as much as they would let me
look.
Hey, fucking, you know, like Jesus Christ.
My wife was actually cool about it.
Hey, you know, go out and get another one.
I was like, yeah, but it's not the one you gave me on the fucking day.
Uh, turned out it was in the pocket of my sweatpants.
I took it off because I was putting lotion on and I hate fucking when the
lotion gets underneath the ring, it just skeeves me out.
So I just took it off and put it in the pocket.
I forget.
And then I put the fucking sweatpants in my goddamn dresser and I didn't wear
them for like three days.
And I finally fucking got him back on.
I found it again.
So now I don't take