Name: Monday Morning Podcast 12-2-19
Uploaded: 2019-12-02T23:19:36.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 12-2-19' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-12-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 12-2-19' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-12-02. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 12-2-19

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday Morning
Podcast for Monday, December 2nd, 2019.
What's going on? How are ya?
December 2nd, everybody. It's official. Get your Christmas lights up.
Because it's the holiday season.
Do-be-do-be-do.
You know, it's funny. They don't even have to do those fucking stories anymore
of like,
it is absolute pandemonium down here at the mall.
There are no parking spots. People are screaming, and they're trying to grab
the last Micronauts.
Remember Micronauts?
They don't have to do that anymore, right?
Because everybody just orders from Amazon.
Okay, and if you think Santa's elves are overworked,
I don't remember the last time a Santa elf got crushed to death by a forklift.
Here's the thing, everybody.
Why don't you think about all of these poor people
who have to work like double time,
14-hour shifts, whatever the fuck it is they're doing over at that goddamn
hardware store.
You know, go to the mall.
Huh?
Just get in the SUV that you didn't need.
Go down to the fucking mall.
Buy the shit you don't want.
Give it to the people you don't like.
So some of these people over there at Amazon
could give their lower backs a break for a second.
Jesus, what a fucking slave driver.
That guy must be a legend.
An alleged slave driver.
I don't know.
I don't remember the last time a slave got benefits.
Next question.
Have you ever been to Epstein's Island?
Make sure she accidentally chokes to death in the next 24 hours.
Thank you.
Anyway, so that's the deal.
I'm an asshole.
I still drive around and I go to toy stores.
That's my big fucking move.
It's actually, you know, it's finally paid off
after doing it for half a fucking century.
That's not true because I got my driver's license at 60 and I'm 51.
For 35 years, 35 years, I've been driving down to the fucking malls.
You know, December 2nd.
Everybody just sits at home clicking on this.
Stupid bills driving down to the fucking stores.
I just don't, I don't know.
I can't, there's like, the internet, it's fucking overwhelming to me.
So I just stay, I stay on like three different sites.
I go to YouTube, I do the Twitter, I do the Instagram.
And I think that's my world.
Oh, and then I do Google News when I run out of shit to talk about here on the
podcast.
Other than that, I stay away from it.
That's not true.
I go to StubHub.
All right.
I go to the MotoGP.
Then I go to the four major sports websites.
I do that.
All right.
Whatever.
It's still.
I was born in a small town.
I can breathe in a small town.
So yeah, I got to, I got to start my Christmas shopping, but I am up to my
fucking neck.
I turned the corner on this fucking exam.
I've been studying my ass off.
Trying to watch some fucking football.
I did watch Ohio State versus Michigan.
Started off great.
Michigan scored first.
Hail to the victors.
Ah, we missed the extra point.
You know, there's a lot of people out there calling for Jim Harbaugh's head.
And I don't know.
I don't know about that.
I don't think that's right.
You're talking about a guy.
He brought an NFL team to a Super Bowl.
You're talking about a guy.
He saved what Michigan fans, he saved that fucking program there, where that
program was.
Okay.
He's still paying for it.
That's what I think.
I think that Michigan football program was so in the fucking toilet, it has
affected Jim
Harbaugh's ability to recruit.
Because if you looked at the offensive line of Ohio State, they outweighed
Michigan by like
fucking 50 pounds a guy.
That's why they were running the ball down their fucking throats.
I mean, what are you supposed to do at that point?
Antioids.
So, I don't know.
Okay.
So, you're going to get rid of him.
Who are you going to replace him with?
There's a lot of emotion.
There's a lot of emotion.
But I don't fucking understand how Ohio State became ranked number one.
When LSU beat number one Alabama in Alabama to become number one, LSU didn't
lose.
And Ohio State, what?
They fucking, they beat an overrated Penn State team and then they become
number one.
One.
Fucking ridiculous.
I don't know.
I'm just glad Alabama lost again.
Not really.
I kind of miss rooting against them.
But, um, I don't know.
How many times are they going to throw Ohio State into the fucking final four
just to watch
them get fucking shut out and get their asses kicked?
I don't understand what it is these people have over the fucking NCAA.
And these fucking Buckeye fans, all they do is bitch moan and complain if they
don't fucking
get in there.
I don't know what's going on.
Every year they put the boring ass Buckeye.
Let me see.
When was the last time they fucking?
They won it once this, this decade, right?
Let's see.
Ohio State.
Playoff.
Record.
Oh, it's not, no, no, no.
Football.
Football.
Remember that one fucking year?
They shouldn't even, they didn't even fucking win the Big Ten and they got in.
And then they got fucking shut out.
Let's look at the powerhouses in their division.
Rutgers, Maryland, Michigan State, Indiana.
I mean, get the fuck out of here.
They're the number one team in the country.
I'm not saying they're not good, but it's just, it's fucking annoying as an LSU
fan to
see a team not lose, knock off.
We actually knocked off a number one.
Who the fuck did Ohio State beat?
Will Jim Harbaugh ever beat Ohio State?
My goodness.
It's, it's, it's going.
Anyways.
All right.
The Bruins.
Oh, LSU won.
No one gives a fuck, right?
They fucking, they, they beat, uh, who did they beat?
Texas A&M by like fucking 90 points.
Is that enough to make us go up and over?
Um, I guess when Ohio State scores 70 points on Maryland, that, that's enough
to make them
the number one fucking team in the country.
Um, combining that with a win over mighty Penn State, get the fuck out of here.
I can't wait to watch them lose in the playoffs.
That's really going to make me happy.
It's fucking, you know, they're like the fucking rich kids.
Even though they're a state school.
Every fucking year, those cunts are in it.
How the fuck did they get to be number one?
It's fucking beyond me.
Maybe this is why they do it.
So you fucking lose your shit.
It's making me hate Ohio State.
And I don't hate Ohio State.
But now I do.
Um, Bruins.
Beat the hated Habs once again.
Beat them once again.
After going down 1-0 on a wild deflection of the first period.
No goals for the next fucking 40 minutes.
And the Bruins explode in the third period.
You see Potsenark's fucking goal.
Absolute fucking rocket.
Nothing Carey Price could do about it.
Top shelf.
Making it 1-1.
And what was it?
Back has scored next.
I actually watched the game.
Had a great fucking time.
I missed the Celtics, but they played the Knicks.
I know that they won.
Even though Marcus Smart hurt his oblique.
Um, and then you're a New England Patriots.
Wa-ba-ba-ba-ba.
Boo-do-boo-do.
Boo-do-do-boo-do.
Uh, too little too late against the Texans.
Even that last touchdown.
I mean, they were just going into a preventive.
Help chew up the fucking clock.
But, um, I don't know.
Tom Brady doesn't have anybody to throw to.
Somebody on the New England Patriots receiving court needs to step up
and be a definitive number two.
So Edelman can get open and not be double covered
every fucking second of the game.
Um, you know, they got to start getting first downs
because what's happening is as great as our defense is,
they spent too much time on the field.
Come third, fourth quarter, they're a little tired.
There you go.
That's my Brady.
That's my assessment.
Before everybody says Tom Brady's too fucking old.
He is too old to be playing tackle football,
but somehow he's doing it.
But the man simply does not have anybody to throw to
other than Edelman, it seems.
Um, the other team knows that.
So they just double up Edelman.
And then that's, that's been the fucking problem.
Uh, we got some protection issues.
Um, we shall see.
It's late in the season, but I would never,
I would never doubt,
um,
Bill Belichick's ability to turn a team around,
but it is getting, it's pretty late to have a game like that
from what I've seen during the Belichick era.
So, uh, we'll see.
But as of right now, my picks for the Superbowl are,
uh, I like the Ravens and I like the Seahawks.
Um, I think an amazing matchup in the playoffs would be Kansas City versus,
uh,
the Ravens.
And I think defense wins that game,
which you got to give the nod to the Ravens.
I just think they,
they got the D they got the QB.
They got the coach.
Uh,
they got a running game.
They got a good offensive line.
They're looking great.
And they're,
they're fucking tearing through the NFC,
beating everybody,
beat the 49ers yesterday,
beat the Rams,
beat the shit out of the Rams on Monday night,
defending,
uh,
Superbowl runner ups counts for something.
I know they're having a tough season and,
uh,
49ers get their second loss.
So I think that that puts them,
uh,
Seattle has two losses.
Seattle won.
Seattle won their,
uh,
head to head against the 49ers.
So would they get home field?
I don't know.
I have a kid.
I don't know what's going on anymore.
Let me look it up real quick.
Where the fuck is it?
There I click on that.
There we go.
All right.
NFL standings.
Sneaky Pete Carroll.
I think he's the best coach in the NFC.
I think they get through.
All right.
And NFL standings.
Yep.
All right.
Patriots 10 and two,
only one game ahead of the Buffalo bills.
They're letting them hang around.
We're going to have to beat them again.
The game will be in new England.
If I remember correctly.
All right.
What about the dolphins?
I don't know where they got three fucking victories.
They're like,
we don't wait.
And what are you trying to give us the number one pick in the draft?
We don't want that.
Give that to the fucking Bengals at one and 11.
One and 11.
All right.
Why won't you give me all the fucking teams?
Why can't I get the fucking NFC?
You cunts.
All right.
NFC standings.
NFC.
UFC.
World champion.
Jesus Christ.
Would you look?
What the fucking fuck?
Oh,
my wife's going to get me on that one.
What in the fucking?
I don't get this shit.
Why does it keep going to the fucking AFC?
Oh,
because you click on national.
See,
this is why I don't just don't fuck with computers.
I type in what I want and it still won't give it to me.
You don't realize how fucking pathetic it is that the fucking Cowboys are six
and six
and they're in first place.
Do they still make the playoffs?
All right.
Oh,
the Seahawks play tonight.
So the Seahawks win tonight.
According to my public school math.
They are going to be tied with the 49ers having won their head to head.
And when are these sons of bitches play again?
When do they play again?
Seattle Seahawks.
17-9 over the Eagles.
Seattle Seahawks.
Come on.
Give me your fucking schedule.
They just won't give it to me.
They will not give it to me.
Seahawks player.
Russell Wilson.
Oh,
you motherfucker.
Seahawks schedule.
I got to look this up.
Seahawks.
Schedule.
When do they play the 49ers again?
When?
Doesn't Siri jump in when you ask the...
I swear to fucking Christ.
Oh,
the last game of the year.
Oh,
wow.
Who do they got left?
They got the Vikings tonight.
Then they got the Rams.
Then they got the Panthers.
Then they got the Cardinals.
I think that they win the rest.
I think they win the rest of their games
right to the 49ers
and then we'll see.
Then we'll see.
Rams are at home.
It's a divisional rivalry.
Those games are always close.
Who knows?
Who knows what happens?
By the way,
you know what I finally saw?
The movie I finally saw?
I saw The Irishman.
Martin Scorsese's The Irishman.
Another classic.
Started a little slow
and I got worried
and right around 40 minutes in,
forget about it.
Forget about it.
I hear now that
Johnny Brasco ruined
forget about it
because I always grew up saying that.
And you get all these hipsters
thinking you're quoting that movie.
It's like,
I'm not quoting the movie.
The movie was quoting
people I grew up with.
Anyway,
Jesus Christ.
The performances in that movie.
Also,
two great stand-up comedi