Name: Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 1-2-20
Uploaded: 2020-01-03T17:09:40.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 1-2-20' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-01-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 1-2-20' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-01-03. Transcript available.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 1-2-20

hey what's going on it's bill burn it's time for the monday a thursday
afternoon just before friday
monday morning podcast and i'm just checking in on you happy new years
everybody happy new decade
you know a lot of great things happened to your last decade all right maybe
some bad things when
it's behind you you're now moving on you're moving on to a new decade you know
and you got some new
resolutions you take a long hard look at yourself you know as you got in your
head a little bit
maybe if you had an edible or something you were sitting at a family table and
you're just looking
at everybody the way they eat you know and how much resentment you have for
them and then at some point
you know your little inner fucking pot cookie was like hey man what about you
man maybe it's not
that man right you got your head and you decided i am going to make changes for
the better i've decided
the same thing all right and one of them is i'm not going to flip out every
time well i'm gonna try not
to every time my uh my computer you know i'm not going to call it a name um
gives me these little update
windows updates updates not installed when it just gives me the option option
of details or install
uh restart now try in an hour try tonight remind me tomorrow why don't you try
tonight all right give
the give the give that uh now why do i have to close that again i'm not going
to lose my temper see this
this is me just you know this is just me clicking here there's political
prisoners around the world
right now and holding cells this is not something worth flipping out there i
did it see that now when
you go to make a change in yourself you there's going to be some pain like
there's going to be some
suffering like right now what i just did was tremendous you know improvement in
my own behavior with my
computer okay and but there's a price to pay and the price to pay is you the
listener heard nothing
funny during that entire thing i just handled it my emotions didn't get out of
control
and you're still sitting there waiting to laugh for the first time during this
podcast
what i need from you guys is i need to you guys to ride this out while i become
a better person
while simultaneously becoming less funny okay there's that all right let's get
on with it it is a new
year all right i always make a bunch of resolutions this is the year i'm
finally going to become fluent
in french i pick that back up again now that i've been uh i got that test
behind me uh i'm gonna get
back in great shape you know i like keeping myself in great shape because i'm
vain as hell and then also
when i get acting work or whatever you know i only have like seven eight pounds
i have to lose you know
these these actors that bitch moan and complain about having to be in shape to
be in a movie i just
don't fucking understand it you know what i mean it's like why don't you put
your fucking zillions
of dollars up once you put that on the crap table and then watch all the actors
show up with
fucking love handles hanging out if you fucking wear all right you want to be a
fat fuck go drive a
truck you want to be in the movies get a gym membership you know go online
learn how to
fucking read that's basically it um you know if you're eating right then you
know you only have
something but i will tell you this though i don't give a fuck what shape you're
in and how much they
measured you whatever clothes they give you from wardrobe never fit and they
never fit in in the
bad way they're always too fucking small i swear to god the last acting gig i
did i was like dropping
weight doing it and every day the clothes just it's like you sticking these in
a fucking dryer i'm telling
you they do it on purpose they make sure that no matter what size you are your
pants don't quite
fucking fit which makes you not go to craft service and become a fucking pig
and i i get it i get it
it's frustrating as hell but you know it's a mind game so you're like all right
i get it okay i'll keep
eating the salads all right but then you don't let it beat you okay you don't
eat the cake and then you
have to go throw up behind the dumpster all right and i love when people start
doing that they start
throwing up behind a dumpster and then it becomes it becomes somebody else's
fault you know madison
avenue uh uh the kardashians whatever the fuck it is they end up blaming
somebody else all right
and that's just not what it is you ate that cookie man
kardashians didn't make eat ah what the fuck am i saying all right so anyway i'm
uh you know
i just was downstairs they made some lentil burgers i went to the rose bowl
yesterday and
i actually i didn't feel that bad at the end of it the new uh
fucking sober me i mean i ate like a goddamn pig but uh i just don't have you
know a gallon of booze
in me at the end of the day it was a great great fucking game um i actually
believe it or not i left
at halftime which is something i did last year because uh i had that tour
coming up you know in
europe i had a long run in europe but i got a wife and kid and now i got away i
still have a wife and kid
and it's just like it's new year's day i leave at the crack of dawn or whatever
so that's next year's
a playoff so i'll stay for the home game but the years when it's not a playoff
i'm not staying
until the fucking end uh you know i get home at like you know five o'clock or
something it's not
bad i get home you know my kid's been up for like an hour and uh you know my
wife's been watching her
all day i gotta i gotta be a good guy here so um and i actually loved it i went
out you know we
listened to the fucking game i went back out to the uh to our our tailgate i
smoked a cigar
you know with everybody else just hanging out bartnick put on some black sabbath
what's that one that starts with like the bass solo
doing all that he just started fucking headbanging and fucking miming the bass
solo with the cigar in
his mouth and a drink in the other hand and we would just fucking die and
laughing um but we had
a great one man we had a great one we brought the uh the game changer we
brought the flat top grill
and the guy right next to us also had a flat top grill and i took a picture of
it i was uh
i was gonna send it to lawhead telling him that there's parody in the league
now
um because i believe he was the one that called it the game he was the one that
named it the game
changer um lawhead definitely missed he's a married man living outside the city
um
so he doesn't make the journey up anymore but we're hoping next year's a playoff
maybe he'll come up
um but anyways we uh i'm trying to think there was just like i don't know what
the
fuck happened like the place where we were there was like nobody there and then
all of a sudden
it was just like it was like the hottest nightclub and everyone was standing
outside trying to get in
it was fucking nuts i don't know what happened i just feel like there was three
tailgates of college
kids and they were just like everybody just fucking find a place to park i got
the grill meet me here
and there was like there was like no fucking place to stand fortunately we had
created this perimeter
with our chairs but it got more and more obnoxious the more packed in people
were
and there was this chick that came up to us with the most fucked up name ever
so i'm not going to
say the name i swear i didn't think it was a real name um but she came up to us
and i don't like
god bless her i don't know how she hasn't ended up in a trunk the way she came
up and i i was like
this has to be an act is she's with us she was so goddamn flaky this wisconsin
fan
and it was like we were just watching her going from tailgate to tailgate and
people started like
trying to introduce him to people in other tailgates it was like what about bob
like trying to get rid of
her i don't even know where the tailgate she i just think she was just really
open and friendly
which is just weird in a major city she must have lived in the middle of
nowhere in wisconsin but it
was fucking weird as shit and we just kept going yeah okay okay great all right
all right and then
then she left came back again i don't know what happened and finally like a
third time she came
back and she had a miller genuine draft and she goes can i trade this for one
of your miller high
life's like that's a even exchange so i said to her i go what are we the minnesota
vikings
you're trying to make the herschel walker trade of uh beers here and she's like
what and i go it's a
reference from 30 years ago sorry so she comes over and then bartnick out of
nowhere
classic him just walks up with the miller high life and just hands it to her
and he just starts waving
going okay bye bye he kept saying bye bye like she was a little girl and she
goes no i want to give
them a genuine no keep them both just have a nice day all right okay bye bye
all right there you go
and he was like suddenly turning her around to send her back all right happy
new year bye bye keep it
he just kept going bye bye i couldn't quite hear all of it but we had two
people at our tailgate that
normally don't go and they were like crying laughing and uh so i just started
watching them how hard
they were i mean i've been to enough of these to know that whatever the he's
saying is hilarious
it's just classic bartnick we're all thinking like how do we get rid of her and
he just you can have
both beers and bye bye it's over and joe came back he was so proud of himself
he goes i was nice i was
nice he goes through i was progressive there was nothing no no hostility and he
was he was a total
gentleman he's like okay thank you bye bye
he was talking to her like he was closing up a store um it reminded me of time
on my bachelor party
we were drinking in this bar and there was this awful band playing and they
just wouldn't stop
and it was really ruining our hang and joe you know he's a big guy and he was
wearing a blazer so
he just looks like a bouncer so he goes hang on a second and he just walked up
like with a real
deliberate walk it was a great piece of acting and he walked up right towards
like where we were sitting
was like two steps up so he was head and shoulders above the crowd he walked
right to the front in such a
manner that the the lead singer was talking between songs and joe just walked
up and caught this guy's
eye and then he did the wrap it up sign and then just did in a and like the
singer had this like what
the look on his face and joe just did an abrupt about face and as he was
walking back the singer
is talking into the mic going whoa okay i uh thought we had like another half
hour to play i guess we're
getting the uh sign to wrap it up and we were fucking we were fucking dying
laughing thinking
he was actually gonna pull it off but then the bartender's like no no no no no
keep playing keep
playing it almost fucking worked so um i don't know just took me back to that
again but we just had a
great time great food throwing the fucking ball around there was a couple like
you know eight nine
year old uh kids out there that were just all about it was one kid he was like
all he wanted to play
defense he was trying to knock down the balls we were throwing it to each other
and had a great arm
and then there was this check out there who had a cannon a weird throwing
motion but it was a fight
i think she was a lefty too it was a cannon bartner came down the hill he was
like guys he goes there's
a check out there with the i turn around and i see this girl pick up the ball
like all goofy
and this guy takes off and and she just fucking unloaded you ever see somebody
plays hoop and
they have like a weird like motion but somehow it goes in it was like that um
and then it got really
crowded and then there was of course the former athlete dad still slinging it
when there's a bunch
of people standing around holding food and he hit somebody's car and he ducked
away and they had like a
real like uh the whole family over there it just had a real douchey um i d