Name: Bill Burr | Apple Store Tantrum
Uploaded: 2020-01-10T16:44:31.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr | Apple Store Tantrum' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-01-10. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bill Burr | Apple Store Tantrum' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-01-10. Transcript available.

All right, let's get on with the unbelievable failure that is Bill Burr already.
And I'm already talking to myself in the third person, so I've even failed even
more.
I'm six days into a new decade, and I have continued behavior that I've been
trying to get rid of since at least...
I don't think in the 90s I realized how angry I was.
I'm in the 2000s. This entire century, I have failed fucking miserably, you
know?
I'm like that franchise that gets a new fucking coach or a new goddamn draft
pick,
and the whole fan base gets excited, and after one game, you're like,
nah, it's going to be the exact same fucking deal.
Some of my worst and most embarrassing behavior as a human being has happened
in the Apple store.
I hate that fucking store. I fucking hate that fucking company.
I hate Steve Jobs. I hate their round building.
I fucking hate them, and I buy all their products because there's no way out.
It's like those poor fucking people who go to Dubai to get a construction job,
and they confiscate. Is that how you say it? Confiscate? Confiscate? Confiscate
your fucking passport,
and then you become a slave.
I am a slave to their fucking product. I don't know how to fucking get out of
it.
If I get out of it, I literally cut myself off from three quarters of fucking
humanity.
I fucking hate those people. I hate that fucking company.
Don't they, like, pay a major fine every year for their pollution to the
environment?
How they do this fucking shit? I don't even want to get going with this fucking
shit.
So anyways, I bought a fucking laptop.
Not a laptop.
I bought an iPad off the round cunts for aviation purposes
because they got this new software that's fucking incredible,
you know, that I just wanted.
They could have it right on my fucking thigh as I'm flying,
and I know where the fuck everybody is around me,
and it's fucking amazing, all right?
So anyway, so there's one for Apple,
and they created a fucking device.
Well, actually, they didn't.
They ripped off a device.
Somebody else came up with a tablet first.
I don't fucking know.
So all I want to do is run my zoom, zoom, sorry.
All I want to do...
What the fuck is that song still in my head?
All I want to do is go on the fucking road
and not bring my fucking laptop,
which weighs 9,000 fucking pounds,
even though it doesn't compared to the old ones.
But in my world, it does.
All right?
This is just all...
It's just the most...
So fucking embarrassing, right?
So I have this Olympus LS100,
and what I want to do
is I want to fucking record a podcast
and then upload it to my fucking iPad
and then just get on with my streamlined life.
All right?
So I have the little umbilical cord attachment,
you know, what I learned yesterday,
lightning to USB attachment
off of my fucking laptop
that I got like a year ago.
So this year,
I buy one of the round cunts fucking tablets.
I go to plug the lightning to USB
fucking goddamn thing in
and it just keeps spitting it out
like a baby not wanting to eat its food.
And, you know, of course,
like the dumb, bald, freckled cunt that I am,
do I do this
during the fucking...
I don't know.
I don't know how many fucking weeks
I had to go do this
where I wasn't going to the airport in two hours.
I decide I'm going to do this the morning.
I'm going to go to the airport in the afternoon.
LAX, by the way, right?
So it doesn't fit.
So what do I do?
Do I go,
well, I mean,
that's how this company operates.
I knew what this was
when I signed up with them.
They've been doing this to me.
No, I didn't do that.
I flipped out like this was the first time
I ever experienced
this cunty, selfish,
greedy fucking behavior
from these fucking...
from that fucking asshole fucking company.
Right up there with the cruise ships,
how they pull into port
and just leave the fucking thing running.
Could give a fuck
about the future of anybody.
So it spits it out.
and I have a Tourette moment.
So my wife,
because she's a saint,
she just goes,
you want to just go over the apples to her
and just go get the attachment you need.
Oh, no, no.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Oh, what happened before that?
We called,
I called up the fucking,
this bootleg
apple fucking place
to see if they have it.
And of course,
I don't know what it is
that I want.
I'm going like,
I got a,
yeah, hey,
I have a,
I got a,
I got a,
I have a iPad.
This is me trying to explain
fucking the Star Trek shit
from nowadays.
And I'm like,
I need,
do you have that attachment
where I can plug like a,
a fucking
external DVD,
you know,
right into the,
she's like,
I'm sorry,
we don't have something for a DVD.
And I was like,
just forget I said DVD.
Forget I said that.
The thing,
so I can plug in,
like I'm on a podcast
and I,
she just,
we don't,
I don't,
just can you hang on a second?
She came back.
I knew she had what I needed.
I just didn't know
what the word was for it.
And she just kept saying
we don't have it.
And I just hung up on her.
I hung up on her
because I didn't know
what the thing that I use
every twice a fucking week
was called.
So of course,
it wasn't my fault.
It was her fault.
And I was saying things
like DVD player
to a young person,
which is like me saying
butter churner.
I'm trying to hook this
butter churner
into my fucking,
you know,
the flat thing.
It's like a,
it's like a laptop,
but it doesn't have a keyboard,
but you can get one
except you have to have a password
and then you'll forget
what that thing is
and then you'll just wake up
staring at it
knowing that you have
all the technology you need
and you have no fucking idea
how to figure out
how to get the password
for a fucking keyboard.
Do you have one
of those things?
So that conversation
ended in failure
and then I just said,
fuck it.
I'm just going to bring
this fucking thing.
I mean,
most of my anger
had to do with the fact
that I was leaving
my wife and Kate
for a week.
So we end up going down
to the fucking Apple store
and my laugh tells me,
why don't you bring
everything that you need
that you want to plug
into this fucking thing?
So I brought my tablet.
I bought my external DVD.
You're probably thinking like,
hey man,
why are you using
your external DVD?
It's like,
I don't know where to go
to watch the movies online.
I don't know.
Okay.
I got some screeners.
I wanted to watch
that movie 1917.
They gave me a fucking DVD.
I have an external DVD
fucking thing.
I could stick it in.
I could watch it on the plane
and enjoy myself.
Right?
So I go there
and I talk to this poor bastard
who works there, right?
You know,
nice as hell.
I go,
how are you, sir?
How are you doing?
He says,
great.
I said,
listen,
and I brought the old
fucking thing that worked,
the old lightning
to fucking USB,
right?
Which I learned
when I got there.
I go,
I need this.
He goes,
oh,
you need a lightning
to USB.
I go,
oh,
is that what it's called?
He says,
yes.
So he says,
that's not a problem.
And I'm like,
holy shit.
I'm going to walk
into this store.
I met one of the geniuses.
He's such a genius.
He knows what this
fucking freckled dummy wants.
So we all walk
over to the wall.
By the way,
I brought in everything
in one of those,
like,
you know,
those cloth
things that you bring
to the grocery store
so you don't use
plastic bags
so they don't end up
in the ocean
around some fucking
poor fish's head
or up the nose
of some turtle,
whatever the fuck
happens,
right?
So I got all my shit
in there,
right?
So the guy goes over
and he goes,
yeah,
we have one of those.
And I'm like,
oh my God,
it's going to work out.
It's finally,
Bill Burr and technology
are finally going to
have a good day,
right?
And guys,
I know this is all
my fucking fault,
okay?
I mean,
the pollutant
environment thing
is on the round cuts,
but like,
I know that if I just
took the fucking time,
if this shit on any level
fucking interests me,
if I actually just took
the time to,
I could do this.
You have to understand,
in my house,
I don't know how to use
the DVD player.
I don't know how to get
to Apple TV.
I don't know how
to do anything.
I just,
I yell upstairs.
I'm like,
Nia,
how do I get the fucking,
she stomps down
the fucking stairs
and she just does it
for me.
All right?
She's doing everything.
When it comes to technology,
it's,
she might as well just be
like feeding me,
like,
like soup.
I just,
I don't know,
right?
So my thing is,
is once I learn
how to do something,
I memorize it.
Okay?
There's no understanding.
It's just straight
memorization.
And then what happens
is some new system
comes along
or some new fucking thing
and then I have to learn
it all over again
and then that's when
it goes off the rails.
All right?
I fucking hate this shit.
All right?
I bought that fucking Prius.
Okay?
In 2007.
All right?
October 2007.
So a little over 12 years ago.
Guess what?
It still fucking works.
I can still get in it,
push the button,
it still turns on
and still does
what the fuck
it's supposed to do.
This shit,
this Apple shit,
doesn't.
This Apple shit
works for 18 months.
Okay?
And then it's like
you're putting out
a disco record
in 1982
and wondering
why it didn't
get on the charts.
That's what I fucking hate.
You spend
three thousand,
two,
three thousand fucking dollars
to these motherfuckers
and
for something
that's gonna last
for 18 fucking months
before it's gonna start
slowing down.
You know,
you ever see a killer whales
like going after
a fucking whale
and they just chase it
until it gets tired
and then they bite
its fucking tongue out
and they watch it
fucking bleed to death.
That's what it's like
buying one of these
fucking things.
The second you get it,
those fucking nerds
and that round building
are working as fast
as humanly possible
to make what the fuck
you just made
completely
fucking
useless.
So,
we go over to the wall
in the round cunt store,
right?
And he's,
oh yeah,
we got that,
we got that.
And I'm like,
oh my God,
it's gonna happen.
It's gonna happen.
And then he's looking,
he's looking
and he starts making a face
and I'm like,
oh no,
don't do this to me.
You know,
come on,
you know,
it's like I'm a Chargers fan.
Please,
please pick the right guy.
Please pick the right guy
in the draft.
Please don't fucking trade him away
once you pick him.
Please,
right?
And he goes,
oh,
I know we have,
I just,
and I'm going,
come on man,
you're a huge store.
I know you have this.
I'm trying to put
good vibes out,
all right?
Well,
my entire being
is going,
Bill,
just pack up your laptop,
pack up your external DVD,
say goodbye to this nice young man
and just walk out of the store
because this shit
never fucking works out for you.
And I'm like,
no,
don't pack up
because then you're putting it out
to the universe
that this isn't gonna work out.
All right?
So for three seconds
I was able to hold my temper
while this guy
is now
calling the back
of the fucking store
to find the lightning
to USB
fucking stupid thing
that I need
for my fucking
goddamn laptop.
I mean,
sorry,
for my,
my,
my tablet.
And I don't,
I don't really remember
what happened next.
I somehow just said,
I said,
I never,
I'm muttering to myself,
never fucking cock sucking,
fucking fails,
I hate this fucking thing.
You know,
people,
you know,
as they're looking at new tablets
or glancing over their shoulder,
like why,
what is going on with this guy?
So I start aggressively
putting my,
my,
my fucking iPad in.
Boom,
threw that in the bag.
Fucking DVD player.
Boom,
put that in the bag.
And I must have thrown
something else in the bag.
I don't know what.
And I picked the bag up.
And underneath my bag,
unbeknownst to me,
was my cell phone.
Okay.
And the screen is now cracked
in three different fucking places.
And right as I'm taking in,
trying to figure out
how the fuck,
it was like a magic trick.
Like how the fuck did my fucking
cell phone screen
get cracked like that?
Cracked.
As I'm taking in
that information.
Because I didn't realize
because I was so mad
in the moment
that I just did that.
I just picked the bag up
and I was like,
why the fuck
is the screen all cracked?
As I said that,
the Apple genius guy goes,
oh yeah,
we have one of those
cords in the back.
So now I got what I wanted
and I just created
a new problem.
I said,
oh fuck,
I just cracked my fucking screen.
The guy's like,
oh man.
I go,
now I need a new phone,
right?
He goes,
well we can fix the screen.
I go,
how long does that take?
He goes,
oh there's no telling today.
We're really busy.
I go,
I got to be on a plane
in two hours.
He goes,
you want to get a new phone?
It's like,
I don't want to get
a new fucking phone.
And then I'm just sitting there
and then the cord comes out
and I'm just going like,
yeah,
I,
and I literally say
to this poor kid,
I go,
you know what?
I go,
I absolutely fucking hate
this fucking company.
I never have a good experience
when I,
I'm,
I'm getting mad at him
because I,
if I had just waited
another three fucking seconds,
if I had just fucking waited,
I wouldn't have been
in this situation,
right?
But that's not how
I'm fucking wired.
So I fucking actually went in there.
They had what I needed.
I just didn't have
the fucking patience
to wait three,
fucking seconds.
And then the process
is a 51 year old man
had a temper tantrum
at a mall
at 51.
It broke the fucking screen
of my cell phone
in three places
before this kid went
and got me
what the fuck I needed.
And I'm fucking flipping out.
I wasn't yelling.
I was just fucking
cock sucking motherfucker.
You guys know,
I said to him,
do you know that you guys
play this fucking
and finally gets
the fucking,
he's just looking at me
and he was so cool
going,
I'm sorry man,
I'm sorry.
He was the coolest dude ever.
There was two other
fucking people there
looking over at me
whispering.
So I fucking walk out
with all this technology
in this fucking bag
and my busted cell phone
with the cord
that I now need
and I come walking out
my wife's there
with my kid
and she's going,
do they have
what you need?
I said,
yes they did
and she's looking at me
then why do you have
that look on your face?
It's like,
oh,
because I smashed up
my fucking cell phone
and then,
you know,
and then,
you know,
I dropped an F bond
and then my little
kid looks at me
and she goes,
Dada,
don't say that,
don't say that.
I go,
you're right buddy,
you're right buddy
and then she starts
giving me,
Dada,
you have to be nice
to people,
you cannot,
she starts giving me
a lecture,
right?
And I'm having to
walk away from
my own daughter
because I'm so fucking mad
and I don't even know
who at this point
and I don't want to be
upset in front of my kid,
you know?
And I'm at this fucking mall
where they always play
like Tony Bennett
and Sinatra,
like,
that's life,
ah,
that's what beeps
a summer wind,
they're playing all these
fucking songs
as I am fucking
whispering,
cursing under my breath,
walking by Santa's house
that they're slowly
taking apart
in the Christmas tree
that they haven't
taken down yet
to get back
in the fucking car
and I'm trying to find
the humor of it,
right?
So,
we get back to the house,
my car's coming
to pick me up
in about 45 minutes
and I take out
my lightning
to USB.
I plug it in
to my tablet.
It does not spit it out
like a toddler
and I'm thinking like,
okay,
at least I have this.
I then plug in
my Olympus 100.
it shows up
it shows up
nowhere.
I can't find it.
So,
I look for finder
to click on
because that's what I do
on my laptop.
It shows up
nowhere.
I can't find it.
So,
now I have to go
on my fucking laptop
and look up
how the fuck
do you,
where the fuck
is the finder?
There's no information
meaning there is
no finder
on the,
and,
and,
and,
I call up
Andrew Themless,
the nice young man
who does the show
and I call him up
and he goes,
hello?
And I'm like,
Andrew,
I fucking,
how the fuck
do you fucking upload
a cock sucking
motherfucking
cunty motherfucking
cunt fucking
cunt cunt
cunt fucking
podcast
and he's laughing.
God,
God bless him.
He just starts laughing
and he tried
to help me out
and it didn't work
and I'm,
and I,
I had to bring
my laptop anyways
and then
I'm going to the airport
with my fuck,
I wish I could take
a fucking picture
of my fucking,
there's like
three stars
with the spider web cracks,
each of them
for each piece
of technology
that I threw
back in the bag.
One of them's
the laptop,
one of them's
the external DVD
and I don't know
what the last
fucking thing was.
Maybe one of them
bounced.
I have no fucking
idea.
So,
now I am
in Memphis,
Tennessee
with my laptop
and my cracked
cell phone
and I have to go
to the Apple store
today
and I'm going,
and my goal
is just
to walk
in there
and just,
I guess,
basically
just try
to maintain
my fucking
composure.
I cannot,
I cannot fucking
believe I am
this fucking
old
and this is
a problem
that I have
been working
on
since I,
probably,
I don't know,
33 or 34
is when I realized
that I had a
fucking problem
and I am
like 20 years
down the fucking
road almost
and I had
a meltdown
that I would
have fucking
had
when I was
33.
Zero
improvement.
You know?
Like a fucking
franchise that
just,
it just,
it's never
going to make
the fucking
playoffs.
They're never
going to do
anything right.
They're just
never going to
fucking get it.
unreal.
Un-fucking
real.
My apologies
to that
kid who works
and anybody
else who heard
me at the
fucking Apple
store.
I wasn't
screaming.
I was just
fucking
cock sucking
motherfucker
just doing that
like what
the fuck?
What the
fuck is wrong
with me?
So that
happened.
All right?
And I think
if I'm honest
with myself,
most of it
had to do,
nah,
that's not,
I can't even
blame it on
the fact that
I was going
to be missing
my family this
week on the
road.
It really
wasn't that.
I would have
done that on a
sunny fucking
Saturday if I
just hit the
fucking lottery.
I would have
done the same
goddamn thing.
By the way,
if one more
person sends
me a tweet,
I hate and
going,
is it just
me or does
the guy who
coached,
coaches the
Bills look
like Bill
Burr?
It's not
the joke
it's that
joke structure.
Please,
people,
it's 2020.
Please stop
using the
prefix,
is it just
me?
That's right
up there with
I know what
you're thinking.

Bill Burr | Apple Store Tantrum

All right, let's get on with the unbelievable failure that is Bill Burr already.
And I'm already talking to myself in the third person, so I've even failed even
more.
I'm six days into a new decade, and I have continued behavior that I've been
trying to get rid of since at least...
I don't think in the 90s I realized how angry I was.
I'm in the 2000s. This entire century, I have failed fucking miserably, you
know?
I'm like that franchise that gets a new fucking coach or a new goddamn draft
pick,
and the whole fan base gets excited, and after one game, you're like,
nah, it's going to be the exact same fucking deal.
Some of my worst and most embarrassing behavior as a human being has happened
in the Apple store.
I hate that fucking store. I fucking hate that fucking company.
I hate Steve Jobs. I hate their round building.
I fucking hate them, and I buy all their products because there's no way out.
It's like those poor fucking people who go to Dubai to get a construction job,
and they confiscate. Is that how you say it? Confiscate? Confiscate? Confiscate
your fucking passport,
and then you become a slave.
I am a slave to their fucking product. I don't know how to fucking get out of
it.
If I get out of it, I literally cut myself off from three quarters of fucking
humanity.
I fucking hate those people. I hate that fucking company.
Don't they, like, pay a major fine every year for their pollution to the
environment?
How they do this fucking shit? I don't even want to get going with this fucking
shit.
So anyways, I bought a fucking laptop.
Not a laptop.
I bought an iPad off the round cunts for aviation purposes
because they got this new software that's fucking incredible,
you know, that I just wanted.
They could have it right on my fucking thigh as I'm flying,
and I know where the fuck everybody is around me,
and it's fucking amazing, all right?
So anyway, so there's one for Apple,
and they created a fucking device.
Well, actually, they didn't.
They ripped off a device.
Somebody else came up with a tablet first.
I don't fucking know.
So all I want to do is run my zoom, zoom, sorry.
All I want to do...
What the fuck is that song still in my head?
All I want to do is go on the fucking road
and not bring my fucking laptop,
which weighs 9,000 fucking pounds,
even though it doesn't compared to the old ones.
But in my world, it does.
All right?
This is just all...
It's just the most...
So fucking embarrassing, right?
So I have this Olympus LS100,
and what I want to do
is I want to fucking record a podcast
and then upload it to my fucking iPad
and then just get on with my streamlined life.
All right?
So I have the little umbilical cord attachment,
you know, what I learned yesterday,
lightning to USB attachment
off of my fucking laptop
that I got like a year ago.
So this year,
I buy one of the round cunts fucking tablets.
I go to plug the lightning to USB
fucking goddamn thing in
and it just keeps spitting it out
like a baby not wanting to eat its food.
And, you know, of course,
like the dumb, bald, freckled cunt that I am,
do I do this
during the fucking...
I don't know.
I don't know how many fucking weeks
I had to go do this
where I wasn't going to the airport in two hours.
I decide I'm going to do this the morning.
I'm going to go to the airport in the afternoon.
LAX, by the way, right?
So it doesn't fit.
So what do I do?
Do I go,
well, I mean,
that's how this company operates.
I knew what this was
when I signed up with them.
They've been doing this to me.
No, I didn't do that.
I flipped out like this was the first time
I ever experienced
this cunty, selfish,
greedy fucking behavior
from these fucking...
from that fucking asshole fucking company.
Right up there with the cruise ships,
how they pull into port
and just leave the fucking thing running.
Could give a fuck
about the future of anybody.
So it spits it out.
and I have a Tourette moment.
So my wife,
because she's a saint,
she just goes,
you want to just go over the apples to her
and just go get the attachment you need.
Oh, no, no.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Oh, what happened before that?
We called,
I called up the fucking,
this bootleg
apple fucking place
to see if they have it.
And of course,
I don't know what it is
that I want.
I'm going like,
I got a,
yeah, hey,
I have a,
I got a,
I got a,
I have a iPad.
This is me trying to explain
fucking the Star Trek shit
from nowadays.
And I'm like,
I need,
do you have that attachment
where I can plug like a,
a fucking
external DVD,
you know,
right into the,
she's like,
I'm sorry,
we don't have something for a DVD.
And I was like,
just forget I said DVD.
Forget I said that.
The thing,
so I can plug in,
like I'm on a podcast
and I,
she just,
we don't,
I don't,
just can you hang on a second?
She came back.
I knew she had what I needed.
I just didn't know
what the word was for it.
And she just kept saying
we don't have it.
And I just hung up on her.
I hung up on her
because I didn't know
what the thing that I use
every twice a fucking week
was called.
So of course,
it wasn't my fault.
It was her fault.
And I was saying things
like DVD player
to a young person,
which is like me saying
butter churner.
I'm trying to hook this
butter churner
into my fucking,
you know,
the flat thing.
It's like a,
it's like a laptop,
but it doesn't have a keyboard,
but you can get one
except you have to have a password
and then you'll forget
what that thing is
and then you'll just wake up
staring at it
knowing that you have
all the technology you need
and you have no fucking idea
how to figure out
how to get the password
for a fucking keyboard.
Do you have one
of those things?
So that conversation
ended in failure
and then I just said,
fuck it.
I'm just going to bring
this fucking thing.
I mean,
most of my anger
had to do with the fact
that I was leaving
my wife and Kate
for a week.
So we end up going down
to the fucking Apple store
and my laugh tells me,
why don't you bring
everything that you need
that you want to plug
into this fucking thing?
So I brought my tablet.
I bought my external DVD.
You're probably thinking like,
hey man,
why are you using
your external DVD?
It's like,
I don't know where to go
to watch the movies online.
I don't know.
Okay.
I got some screeners.
I wanted to watch
that movie 1917.
They gave me a fucking DVD.
I have an external DVD
fucking thing.
I could stick it in.
I could watch it on the plane
and enjoy myself.
Right?
So I go there
and I talk to this poor bastard
who works there, right?
You know,
nice as hell.
I go,
how are you, sir?
How are you doing?
He says,
great.
I said,
listen,
and I brought the old
fucking thing that worked,
the old lightning
to fucking USB,
right?
Which I learned
when I got there.
I go,
I need this.
He goes,
oh,
you need a lightning
to USB.
I go,
oh,
is that what it's called?
He says,
yes.
So he says,
that's not a problem.
And I'm like,
holy shit.
I'm going to walk
into this store.
I met one of the geniuses.
He's such a genius.
He knows what this
fucking freckled dummy wants.
So we all walk
over to the wall.
By the way,
I brought in everything
in one of those,
like,
you know,
those cloth
things that you bring
to the grocery store
so you don't use
plastic bags
so they don't end up
in the ocean
around some fucking
poor fish's head
or up the nose
of some turtle,
whatever the fuck
happens,
right?
So I got all my shit
in there,
right?
So the guy goes over
and he goes,
yeah,
we have one of those.
And I'm like,
oh my God,
it's going to work out.
It's finally,
Bill Burr and technology
are finally going to
have a good day,
right?
And guys,
I know this is all
my fucking fault,
okay?
I mean,
the pollutant
environment thing
is on the round cuts,
but like,
I know that if I just
took the fucking time,
if this shit on any level
fucking interests me,
if I actually just took
the time to,
I could do this.
You have to understand,
in my house,
I don't know how to use
the DVD player.
I don't know how to get
to Apple TV.
I don't know how
to do anything.
I just,
I yell upstairs.
I'm like,
Nia,
how do I get the fucking,
she stomps down
the fucking stairs
and she just does it
for me.
All right?
She's doing everything.
When it comes to technology,
it's,
she might as well just be
like feeding me,
like,
like soup.
I just,
I don't know,
right?
So my thing is,
is once I learn
how to do something,
I memorize it.
Okay?
There's no understanding.
It's just straight
memorization.
And then what happens
is some new system
comes along
or some new fucking thing
and then I have to learn
it all over again
and then that's when
it goes off the rails.
All right?
I fucking hate this shit.
All right?
I bought that fucking Prius.
Okay?
In 2007.
All right?
October 2007.
So a little over 12 years ago.
Guess what?
It still fucking works.
I can still get in it,
push the button,
it still turns on
and still does
what the fuck
it's supposed to do.
This shit,
this Apple shit,
doesn't.
This Apple shit
works for 18 months.
Okay?
And then it's like
you're putting out
a disco record
in 1982
and wondering
why it didn't
get on the charts.
That's what I fucking hate.
You spend
three thousand,
two,
three thousand fucking dollars
to these motherfuckers
and
for something
that's gonna last
for 18 fucking months
before it's gonna start
slowing down.
You know,
you ever see a killer whales
like going after
a fucking whale
and they just chase it
until it gets tired
and then they bite
its fucking tongue out
and they watch it
fucking bleed to death.
That's what it's like
buying one of these
fucking things.
The second you get it,
those fucking nerds
and that round building
are working as fast
as humanly possible
to make what the fuck
you just made
completely
fucking
useless.
So,
we go over to the wall
in the round cunt store,
right?
And he's,
oh yeah,
we got that,
we got that.
And I'm like,
oh my God,
it's gonna happen.
It's gonna happen.
And then he's looking,
he's looking
and he starts making a face
and I'm like,
oh no,
don't do this to me.
You know,
come on,
you know,
it's like I'm a Chargers fan.
Please,
please pick the right guy.
Please pick the right guy
in the draft.
Please don't fucking trade him away
once you pick him.
Please,
right?
And he goes,
oh,
I know we have,
I just,
and I'm going,
come on man,
you're a huge store.
I know you have this.
I'm trying to put
good vibes out,
all right?
Well,
my entire being
is going,
Bill,
just pack up your laptop,
pack up your external DVD,
say goodbye to this nice young man
and just walk out of the store
because this shit
never fucking works out for you.
And I'm like,
no,
don't pack up
because then you're putting it out
to the universe
that this isn't gonna work out.
All right?
So for three seconds
I was able to hold my temper
while this guy
is now
calling the back
of the fucking store
to find the lightning
to USB
fucking stupid thing
that I need
for my fucking
goddamn laptop.
I mean,
sorry,
for my,
my,
my tablet.
And I don't,
I don't really remember
what happened next.
I somehow just said,
I said,
I never,
I'm muttering to myself,
never fucking cock sucking,
fucking fails,
I hate this fucking thing.
You know,
people,
you know,
as they're looking at new tablets
or glancing over their shoulder,
like why,
what is going on with this guy?
So I start aggressively
putting my,
my,
my fucking iPad in.
Boom,
threw that in the bag.
Fucking DVD player.
Boom,
put that in the bag.
And I must have thrown
something else in the bag.
I don't know what.
And I picked the bag up.
And underneath my bag,
unbeknownst to me,
was my cell phone.
Okay.
And the screen is now cracked
in three different fucking places.
And right as I'm taking in,
trying to figure out
how the fuck,
it was like a magic trick.
Like how the fuck did my fucking
cell phone screen
get cracked like that?
Cracked.
As I'm taking in
that information.
Because I didn't realize
because I was so mad
in the moment
that I just did that.
I just picked the bag up
and I was like,
why the fuck
is the screen all cracked?
As I said that,
the Apple gen