Name: Monday Morning Podcast 1-13-20
Uploaded: 2020-01-13T18:20:43.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 1-13-20' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-01-13. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 1-13-20' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-01-13. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 1-13-20

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the monday morning podcast
for monday
january 13th 2020 jesus christ i gotta make sure i'm quiet man i'm in this
fucking hotel room and
their walls are thin all right and there's been some fucking cougars next door
been fucking
um i don't know what they've been doing but they've been up all fucking night
so i feel
like they're sleeping late or some shit so i gotta i gotta have my inside voice
here um i'm still in
new orleans it is sunday night when i'm doing this it's right before halftime
and the packers are
beating my super bowl prediction uh sneaky pete and the seattle seahawks 20 to
3 um and i am going to
the fucking national championship game tonight and i just found out that uh
president trump is also
going which means this is going to be a motherfucker trying to get into the
venue so figure if we get
there about 19 hours early after all the pat downs and all of that shit you
know if i was president i
wouldn't go to games i'm like this is gonna lose me votes
bread and circus just let the fucking common people go down there get hammered
you know do a little bit of line dancing eat a couple of fucking pralines again
no no they gotta
go down to the fucking game let me ask you a question all right then this isn't
like partisan
politics here what the fuck is a president going to a goddamn game for don't
you have like a next level
flat screen tv that you can literally stick your head into and look around the
fucking arena you're the
president you know i never knew him to be a uh football fan but at least he's
going in that that
other guy the other guy that pence guy he's not going that guy's a bummer man
if he fucking showed up
something would happen you know some chick would show her tits and he'd get all
fucking upset and then
he would be a do a big grandiose walkout you know acting like a white chick you
know this isn't
perfect for me so i'm leaving and i know and i get up to leave everybody's
gonna care um so
anyway i don't even know where to fucking start i've been in new orleans for
like the last three days
before i talk about the absolute craziness of that fucking kansas city game
um i can't even remember who the that game was so fucking nuts i can't even
remember who the fuck
played the day before san francisco beat the vikings and uh somebody else beat
somebody oh the titans won
again remember the titans um no wait the titans beat buffalo last week
no the titans beat the fucking ravens jesus christ all right let's let's get to
the the bullshit first
which is just my stupid shows um i want to thank everybody that came out to the
mahalia jack come
on wilson why am i saying come on wilson the guy's running for his fucking life
uh picking on the wrong
guy here oh billy ball watcher here um anyway uh mahalia jackson theater played
three nights there
um just an amazing amazing crowds each crowd was better than the next i had
such a good time
it was all like new orleans locals for the most part and uh they were they were
so much fun man
and uh i got the new hour man the new hour yeah you know it fucking all came
together right
it's like when those people get ready you know the actors and models and shit
when they get ready for
a shoot you know what i mean they just cut out water and salt and all of that
shit just it's it's
tightening up all right you start i'm starting to see the cheekbones of the of
the act here uh i'm
really liking the direction that it's going in and um at least it's it's
working in the middle of the
country we'll see how it works on the sensitive coasts those fucking assholes
new york and la why
do they tell the whole fucking country what they they should and shouldn't be
fucking doing i don't
know what happened they you know two of the coolest cities with some of the
greatest people but there's
like fucking eight people in each city who seem to be telling everybody what
they should or shouldn't
be doing um so whatever um it's been working out here so i'm very excited about
that and bartnick oh
my god bartnick was fucking murdering he was like murdering this this killing
and then it's just like
the crowd is into you and uh they've been loving joe bartnick uh down south
here in memphis and in new
orleans so um anyway we've just been hanging here in new orleans waiting for
the big game
and um it's so amazing if you ever come down here uh the shit show that is bourbon
street i mean i know
it's a big party and all that type of stuff but like um if you just go one
block over you go down
was it royal street royale street it's just a bunch of old people antiquing
there's an occasional
drunk on his way to bourbon street but you get on bourbon street and all of a
sudden you're like
god damn man i could get like uh somebody could puke on me at any second let's
stick the wallet in the
front pocket the whole thing and then you get on the other side whatever that
next street is is fine
you know if you drop your laundry off way down the street on bourbon street it's
just local people
just fucking rely you can't go hard like that so um i also found a beignet
place which is like these
donut powdered donut types of things that they have down here um everybody goes
to this one place
cafe du mont uh you go there it's just you know it's people who party on bourbon
street trying to
sober up with a fucking donut so there's like fucking 200 people in line for a
donut okay i'm sure
they're delicious but i'm not doing that so one of the locals told me about a
place around the corner
you know where all the locals and the cops go i guess to get their fucking beignets
if they even
do that shit here you know what i mean it's like i lived in massachusetts for
27 years i think i had
clam chowder like three times i didn't like it okay it looked like it already
been consumed and then
spit up by a fucking cow that's what it looked like i was not into it at all
and um i didn't eat
lobster and all that bullshit so they probably don't even eat those here but it's
just it's a
right around the corner i'm not even gonna say the name of the place because i'm
gonna make you talk to
a local because i'm not gonna blow it up and fuck it up for the regular people
and last night after our
third show we ended up going to uh another great place out here that just has
locals
and um live music and uh and you can also smoke cigars it was like the perfect
place it was just
like you know way away from the french quarter and all that and i went there my
parents are in town
and this fucking band up there was just kind of playing blues or whatever and
then this dude just
showed up out of nowhere he had an accordion and a harmonica and you know
anywhere else he would just
start playing poker music i don't know what the fuck he'd do with the harmonica
but he's from new
orleans so he made it sound great they absolutely fucking killed and i had the
night that i wanted
to have with my parents where it was just like real deal new orleans uh live
music you know good food
and drink and all that it was just fucking great so that's what i've been up to
so once again thank
you to everybody in memphis and um new orleans that have come out to my show i
am ready to
fucking do some damage here on my uh my tour this year and we got a bunch of
new dates coming up all
right having said that let's talk about the motherfucking playoffs okay
playoffs dude what the
fuck what the fuck happened yesterday i don't even i watched the first game i
don't even remember what the
first game oh i watched the oh i watched the san francisco 49ers beat the minnesota
vikings when
are the vikings ever going to just push through and give those fucking poor
people up there minneapolis
st paul a goddamn super bowl evidently not this year uh congratulations to the
49ers they looked really
solid um and uh their celebration game is just off the chains i mean they
celebrate more than the
kansas city chiefs and that's saying something um both of them were acting like
they were winning
the super bowl on every play that they made it's the funniest ever um i love
that guy kelsey but i
swear to god the guy he's literally pushing the tackler off of him so he can go
moonwalk because
he caught a pass for eight yards and then he has all these drops and it's like
well you should dance
then too keep the attention on yourself but um i don't know that's just the old
man
shit it just strikes me is hilarious remember that great catch lynn swan had
that unbelievable
fucking catch he had in a super bowl you know he didn't dance after i don't
understand what the
fucking big deal is um so anyway um they look solid as hell um
and i don't know and then i went down to go do my show and i assumed like
everybody else
that the baltimore ravens were just gonna go out and have a nice easy fucking
day
against the tennessee titans and i remember i was going to go on stage and the
security guard was
listening to the game and i was just like hey you got a score and he just looks
at me he goes 14
nothing titans i go get the fuck out of here like jesus christ somebody's cranking
the music driving by
oh shit little billy jane
kid is not his son it's not his son unless it's a white kid then it's michael
jackson's son
um yeah he stayed in that bleach bath way too long huh that got all the way
into his
fucking dna didn't it um anyway uh
or vertilago whatever the they call it that went all the way into his nutsack
there
all right we get it you're a billy jean fan can you get through the
fucking intersection can you guys hear this as loud as i can um all right so
anyways a lot of
hugging a lot of hugging going on at the uh i'm watching right now watching terry
bradshaw i have
some big guy just came walking in looking like he played a humpback in uh bride
of frankenstein
i think he just told jimmy johnson he's gonna go to the hall of fame or
something i don't put that
out there something just happened they were all hugging the guy and then jimmy
johnson looked emotional
his hair still stayed perfectly in place um needed emmett smith to come there
and then there and
mess it up so anyways let's i i i cannot believe that at this point you got to
say the titans are for
real right they went in there they went in to baltimore and the whole just
kicked the
fucking shit out of them i watched the 13 minute highlight of the game where
they they kind of gave
you the flow of the game and it was it was over before it even started i never
would have thought
that in a million years it seemed like they were somehow able to contain jackson
i know he had a
couple of picks but it looked like he still played great um so i'm looking at
that shit and then i
haven't just haven't watched the kansas city game where they were down 24
points and god bless the head
coach of the texans the fucking verbal abuse that that guy is going to take um
from some of the most
unathletic people ever uh i mean but it you just gotta say those fucking calls
he made that they made
no i what the fuck it's 21 to nothing okay the legit loudest stadium in the
league arrowhead stadium
sounds like a fucking funeral parlor you couldn't hear a fucking thing in that
stadium it's fourth and
one they got a chip shot for a field goal and he decides to consider a fourth
down i mean i'm going
forward on fourth down right and you just felt the whole stadium come alive
like wait a minute is is
is this guy gonna this game up is this guy gonna give us hope burns a timeout
if i remember correctly
and then kicks does the smart thing and kicks a field goal this is what kills
me tony romo's going
like i like this call when he was considering going forward on fourth down and
tony romo is is i think
the best color guy in the booth in 20 years he's fucking incredible but i i
just wish he would have
explained i think he started to but i still don't understand explain why the
fuck in the first quarter
you would risk not making it on fourth down getting the crowd back into the
game and giving the kansas
ci