Name: Monday Morning Podcast 1-20-20
Uploaded: 2020-01-20T18:44:04.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 1-20-20' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-01-20. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Monday Morning Podcast 1-20-20' from Bill Burr on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-01-20. Transcript available.

Monday Morning Podcast 1-20-20

hey what's going on it's bill burr and it's time for the monday morning podcast
for monday january
20th 2020 what's going on how are you um all right it's sunday night and there's
like five
minutes to go in the san francisco 49ers you know and they are winning 34 to 20
packers just gotta
gotta pass interference call that they did not care for they did not care for
well you know what
my my my damn my sports day sports day did not go the way that i wanted to it
started off with
the boston bruins yet but that that that right um started off with the boston
bruins going up three
to nothing on the always dangerous pittsburgh penguins who got sydney crosby
back the day
before they played us before oh but oh and uh everything was looking great and
then i took uh
my well actually my wife took me out and my lovely daughter took us out to
brunch
so you know i had my phone off because i want i wanted to be there
i wanted to be present you know as a father and as a husband um
you know so whatever i mean if i'm looking at a fucking game i'm gonna get in
an argument
okay so i just shut it off and i was just like all right i'll just watch the
rest of it when i get
home but what i forgot was was the nfl playoffs playoffs were on after that and
then also um
i had to bake my daughter a birthday cake because today's her birthday
right so i had to make sure that i i you know i did everything i could right so
whatever so i got
home and somehow they fucking lost four to three so that's how my day starts
all right
then i sit down and watch the old kansas city chiefs
playing remember the titans from nashville right i gotta root for vrabel but i
also you know i feel
bad for fucking kansas city chiefs fans they hadn't been there in so fucking
long i didn't know who to
root for everybody always piles on andy reed i'll tell you right now uh you
know he's a great coach
but he can't win the big one he can get you right there but he can't get you
over the
until he gets him over the hub where do you place him historically hey buddy
where do they place you
historically you know that's that all that question a lot people who haven't
accomplished
shit with their lives people can't even grow a mustache let alone coach a
fucking pop mortar team to a
winning record so i was happy for him i was tweeting a lot during the game
fucking around i was saying how
you know when they they had like during halftime at arrowhead stadium when they
pulled back they had the
concourse and was fucking mobbed and i was sitting there laughing to myself
thinking there's at least
40 of those people are out there smoking cigarettes it's the midwest man okay
they think because the
surgeon general doesn't have a mustache to go along with his beard therefore he's
a liberal what's the
what's that i said someone we have to listen to you screaming all the way
downstairs what could you
possibly be talking about that is of any interest to anybody anywhere nobody i
just oh who is the
birthday girl happy birthday to you happy birthday to you happy birthday dear
cutie
happy birthday to you what how old are you what's that free free that's right
holds up the three
yeah give me four next year next year all right can i can i do my filth here so
i can afford to continue
buying presents
why are you breathing into the mic
get it away all right well what are you doing you can't sit on me i'm doing
come on i i don't do edits
here so this is like i know she was just down there going like daddy yelling
daddy yelling oh daddy's
just messing around daddy's being silly yeah i'm being silly all right all
right okay thanks for
checking in on me you're welcome okay
bye
bye bye bye bye
no
loud equals funny i don't know how to write a joke
bye bye bye bye bye all right anyway um
so so i turned on the first game right yes i was watching the kansas city chiefs
and um
yeah i didn't yeah i didn't know how to fucking root for that i mean i figure kansas
city's been
waiting long enough to nashville doesn't care i mean they're still they still
can't believe that
they're even in the nfl right how long they've been around 20 years come on how
long you've been
waiting nashville do you really in your heart of hearts what do you want to
really happen nashville
to win a win a fucking super bowl or do you want the university of tennessee
the volunteers
to once again rise up to their rightful position in the sec well okay you
answer that question honestly
we all know what the fuck it is okay that is a college football fucking state
okay you make your
own booze you like the local kid all right he ain't that smart but you put a
helmet on him and i'll
tell you right now he's gonna get you some yards that's what tennessee is right
yeah everybody's got
a car in a barn that they're gonna turn into a fucking race car you're not into
the nfl that that's
that's yankee shit so i don't have any sympathy for those fucking people all
right they're too busy
trying to write a hit nashville huh let's let's let's let's write a fucking
song about i don't know
some guy who got his fucking heart broken he comes home to an empty house you
know something
that is parakeet then fucking slowly dies by the end of the song that's what
they're trying to do
they're trying to write the next hit or something patriotic you know what i
mean get your guns and
shoot a pig on your own property right and ain't no skinny liberal with a hairy
pussy gonna tell me
different right you put some fucking harmonies in that you know smooth out the
melody i'm telling you
you got yourself a hit you got yourself a hit uh yes very happy for kansas city
fans congratulations
your first super bowl in 50 fucking years by the way only thing i can't stand
is that stupid tomahawk
chalk you know it's a fucking embarrassment that's why you're fucking your
fucking mascot looks like a
goddamn rat you know jesus christ those people do the tomahawk chop white
people imitating white people
imitating native americans being portrayed by white people in a cowboy and air
quote indian movie from
the 1930s so stupid so stubborn so stupid why the would you do that you know
what i mean i've always
compared it to like if the germans actually won in world war ii can you imagine
if they then had a
fucking team called i don't know the the the fucking frankfurt jews and every
time they got a
fucking they score because they're soccer they'd score a goal and then
everybody in the crowd would be
going oh jesus christ have a fucking little bit of respect oh my god are they
showing the
fucking 49er they went to show last time the 49ers won a super bowl this game's
over this show in 1994
when they won fucking against stan chumfries stan umfries all right there's jerry
rice loving every
minute of he probably still running that fucking hill um anyway uh other than
that i i uh enjoyed it so
now it looks like it's going to be the 49ers versus the chiefs i gotta root for
the chiefs because they
haven't won one in a longer amount of time although i love seeing the 49ers
great again especially
because they ditched those awful white pants that's one of the best uniforms in
the league unless it has
white pants the second has white pants it looks like a cheap fucking suit all
right they have the gold
pants with the gold helmet and that that beautiful maroon it looks like a
fucking trophy right um
anyway so congratulations to the um i guess i'm calling it earlier they are punting
there is 346 left and it is a fucking nfl game you know i thought it was going
to be a blowout but
then you know i have my conspiracy theory that the nfl does not allow blowouts
it always has to you
always have to be within two scores so then everybody sits down and they watch
it why am i watching this
fucking punter going over to to to do what what what is this this fucking james
cameron tracking shot
what the was that for are they going to go for it are they going for the kill
shot um can somebody
explain to me what happened to shoulder pads they used to have shoulder pads
and all of a sudden yeah
it's weird they stopped leading with their helmets and the shoulder pad look at
that lineman there look
how small the shoulder pads are there's broads in the 80s with bigger shoulder
pads and their waist
length fucking leather jackets um anyway but that is this what i wanted to talk
about is this
what i wanted to discuss um no it isn't what i actually wanted to talk about
was all the scuttlebutt
here i guess the punter left they're deciding to go for it they're going for
the kill shot the kick
is up and it is good
and that'll do it your san francisco 49ers going to the super bowl for the
first time since they
played the ravens in like 2012 i want to say can't remember um all right so
here's my question now
who's going to dance more san francisco kansas city as far as their players who
who's going to dance
more this san francisco 49ers the kansas city chiefs or j-lo and shakira that's
what i want to know
who is going to celebrate who is going to have a better dance routine
oh man i had fun this week with some yankee fans that were whining about the
fucking houston astros and that stupid ass overblown
bullshit down there in fucking houston you know what i mean and then typical
fucking fucking new york fans they have such a small time fucking town mindset
you know what i mean because they they they the thing about new yorkers people
who are born in new
york they didn't have to earn being there they just showed up like fucking rich
kids and then they
hear all these songs all this shit blowing them and they just have this fucking
sense of entitlement
it's fucking hilarious okay
to fucking sit there this is my take on the houston thing why i don't have a
problem with what they did
okay i i still congratulate the world series champion 2017 houston astros and i'm
gonna
congratulate them for finally bringing a gun to a gunfight
all right who's kidding who now this is the thing all these fucking yankee fans
i'm fucking hearing
belly aching they're all acting like what houston did just fell out of the
fucking sky
everybody was playing by the rules and then all of a sudden
houston sticks a fucking camera in the fucking wall or whatever the fuck's
going on right
that's not what happened everybody first of all they're not the first people to
do it
the shot heard around the world way back in 1951 the giants win the pennant the
giants win the pennant
they had a fucking guy out there with a telescope relaying
signs in they've had tvs in the fucking dugout the fucking camera is behind the
pitcher
i literally want how many times you watch games and they're focusing in on okay
when he does that
that's a fastball like some ex-pitcher telling them what the fucking signs are
okay and lastly baseball has been fucked up since 1994
okay they kind of rested on the laurels they were the fight that is that how
you say
resting on your laurel or your laurels and hottie um they fucking were america's
pastime
okay before they came along believe it or not it was horse racing and boxing
and then out of nowhere right baseball comes along right and starts chugging
along and all of a sudden
they are the game babe ruth joe de maggio and greenberg stand usual willie stardew
willie mays willie mcgee willie willie willie all these fucking people come
along right duke schneider
fucking whitey ford mickey mantle um roy campanella peewee reese phil rizzuto
ted williams all these pete
jackie robinson dusty baker raleigh fingers ferguson jenkins um sorry all of
these people come along and
and everybody's watching right everybody's fucking watching and watching they
are the number one sport
year in and fucking year out the biggest advertising aqua velva uh fucking uh
old spice all of this
shit goes to the baseball players and then somehow in the fucking 1970s all
right after the greatest game
ever in 1958 i believe when the colts played the giants in yankee stadium that
was the that was a
turning point but baseball didn't realize it on came fo